Scientific Proof Why You Shouldn’t Text Unsolicited Pics of your Junk, Creep-o

Two women staring in concern at a phone
Is that a toddler's finger?

There’s never been a better time to not send someone a pic of your grubby swamp pickle you fucking creep. But just in case the message still hasn’t penetrated your mental dam, science weighs in to help ram it home.

And if this phrasing is making you uncomfortable, just imagine how a woman who barely knows you feels opening a text message with your stupid-looking dick in it.

Because that’s the entire issue: when given the option of which male parts to look at, the penis and its two backup singers are on the bottom of the list: just like you are on the bottom of the list of people who’d be invited to chaperone a school field trip.

Heat Map of the “Mutual Pleasure Index”

If you’re denser than concrete soup, the spectrum runs from red (super-interested) to blue (throwing up a little in your mouth)

The above image is from a paper published June 12, 2020 entitled The Erogenous Mirror: Intersubjective and Multisensory Maps of Sexual Arousal in Men and Women.

Gentlemen, make a special note of the utter lack of interest women have in looking at your dick.

What’s colder than cold? ICE COLD (Alright alright alright…)

The article is open access so you can read the entire thing if you want. Here’s the abstract if you’re lazy:

Erogenous zones of the body are sexually arousing when touched. Previous investigations of erogenous zones were restricted to the effects of touch on one’s own body. However, sexual interactions do not just involve being touched, but also involve touching a partner and mutually looking at each other’s bodies. We take a novel interpersonal approach to characterize the self-reported intensity and distribution of erogenous zones in two modalities: touch and vision. A large internet sample of 613 participants (407 women) completed a questionnaire, where they rated intensity of sexual arousal related to different body parts, both on one’s own body and on an imagined partner’s body in response to being touched but also being looked at. We report the presence of a multimodal erogenous mirror between sexual partners, as we observed clear correspondences in topographic distributions of self-reported arousal between individuals’ own bodies and their preferences for a partner’s body, as well as between those elicited by imagined touch and vision. The erogenous body is therefore organized and represented in an interpersonal and multisensory way.

Brass (Tic-)Tacks

Let’s be honest though, you’re not reading this far into the article because you need convincing that it’s wrong to text someone a pic of your junk. If you made it through the end of that abstract you’re probably scoping this piece out as a matter of due diligence before you use it to dunk on some dipshit you know who didn’t get the hint even with #MeToo and razor blade commercials.

“The next time I see your dick in the grouptext I’m going to rip your fucking liver out through your navel, Kenny.”

So if that’s the case, and you want to upgrade your dunk game from Muggsy Bogues to Yao Ming, drop the actual APA (7th edition) citation:

Maister, Lara, et al. “The Erogenous Mirror: Intersubjective and Multisensory Maps of Sexual Arousal in Men and Women.” Archives of Sexual Behavior, Dec. 2020, doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01756-1.

Or just post the link to this article where we’ve used a lot of curse words and dick jokes because that’s the nature of the intended audience in the first place. And if you are one of the sleezebuckets who is guilty of doing this and are still reading, make note of the fact that your bullshit is probably illegal in your state now, if not, will soon be.

This, but literally.