Editorial: No Really – Wash Your Goddamn Hands

Let’s just start this off properly. I’m not an epidemiologist, a virologist, or an expert in pandemics or infectious disease. But neither are you so shut the fuck up and wash your hands. No, seriously, wash your hands right now. Put down the phone, pull up your pants, and go wash your hands.

And later, when it’s been a few minutes, wash them again. Wash them every chance you get. Also, stop touching your face.

Special exceptions granted for extraordinary circumstances

Why are we doing this now, three months after this pandemic started ramping up? That’s because you disgusting trash people are being weapons-grade idiots: Coronavirus parties in Kentucky, the Georgia Governor didn’t know asymptomatic (i.e, people without visible symptoms aka you…probably) could spread the virus, just Avengers-threat-level stupid.

You cousin-humpers voted for this mental munchkin.

For months, you have all been receiving gentle reminders about handwashing – adorable hamsters and cool infographics teaching you how to properly wash your hands. Even though that’s something all of you should have known how to do before. But you’re disgusting trash people, so I guess it can be forgiven. So why is washing your fucking hands so important? Well, let’s first talk about how the Coronavirus is spread: you (yes, you, reading this) are probably an asymptomatic carrier. Or maybe you’re symptomatic and an asshole by going out in public. Either way, in a pandemic lets assume we’re all carrying the virus or are interacting with people who are carrying the virus.

As an asymptomatic carrier, you breathe. Unfortunate for the rest of us in some cases, I know, but you do. When you breathe, you send out little droplets of disgusting nonsense from your lungs. These are invisible. These land on stuff. You touch stuff. Then, you touch your face. When you touch the virus, it settles on your hands like white people on an undiscovered continent. It builds houses, farms, irrigation ditches, skyscrapers, infrastructure. There’s probably a stock exchange where they sell futures on just how badly they can fuck you up once they get inside your body.

Needless to say, just imagine your disgusting, unwashed hands are early America and Coronavirus is an eager European power moving in and making it their own. Then you touch your face and your hands become the Mayflower, transporting all those hand-virus pilgrims to the promised land of your face. (Yes, I know the Mayflower went to America and not from America but just deal with it). And what does your face have? All sorts of awesome ways for a virus to enter your body and collectively fuck shit up. And yeah, you are probably saying “bUt iTs lEsS dEaDlY tHaN tHe fLu.” Well, first, no, second, fuck no, third, fuck you.

D: all of the above

And even if its not going to kill you there is a 20% chance it’ll put you in the hospital. It put a 30 year old marathoner on a ventilator. Do you run marathons? No?

Didn’t think so. [Editor’s note: combat dry-humping in BJJ for an hour is not marathon running.]

Contaminating a rock, circa 1620

So, enter soap. And water. What is soap? It’s a magnet. On one end, it binds to water. On the other end, it binds to fat (okay, lipids, but they’re basically the same thing for these purposes). That’s why its so good at cleaning oil-slicked ducks. If its good enough for those ducks, its good enough for your disgusting trash hands. Now, why is that important? Because most viruses and bacteria – including coronavirus – have a lipid layer/envelope/trench coat/whatever. That means that soap will bind to that layer and to water. And when you rinse the soap away the virus is taken with it.

If you managed to read this diagram without having a stroke, you’re probably not the people who need to read this article.

That’s a lame visual. Let’s try again:

Remember our cool little virus country that is set up on our hands every time we touch something? Imagine soap and water as a tidal wave of acid. It engulfs the country, it burns every last thing to the ground, and then it recedes back into the ocean. It takes everything with it – the bodies of the virus their stupid little houses, and even virus McDonalds. It’s Sherman’s March to the Atlantic. It’s scorched earth. It obliterates everything. “bUt I uSe hAnD sAnItiZeR”. Cool. Hand sanitizer is like poison gas. It kills everything it touches but it leaves the house, the bodies, and the McDonalds on your hand.

Something like this ridiculous weeb crap

Then, you go and touch you face like a disgusting trash person and now all of that is on your face. And guess what! There was one survivor, coughing and gasping, who limps its way into your body and BOOM – infected.

Is this what the kids are calling “Steampunk”?

So, wash your hands you disgusting trash people. We are at 300k cases in the United States. Stop being a fucking idiot and wash your hands. And if you’re one of the people who don’t think COVID-19 is serious enough to justify the measures we’ve taken, well, just pretend it’s practice for a pandemic that is deadly enough to get you to wash your fucking hands.

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Maximillian Fightmaster
Derek Debus is a trial lawyer in Arizona and a graduate of the Sandra Day O'Connor College of Law where he earned recognition as a Willard Pedrick Honors Scholar and received the designation of Trial Advocacy Fellow. Prior to attending law school, Derek served in the United States Marine Corps as an infantryman and combat instructor and worked to train law enforcement as a professional firearms instructor. Derek also serves on the Board of Directors for the nonprofit organization Academe Grove -- a 501(c)(3) nonprofit focused on providing training and resources to education institutions and first responders. Follow him on twitter @derek_debus.