The Vile Goop Oozing out of Gwyneth Paltrow

The Vile Goop Oozing out of Gwyneth Paltrow

Oh, Gwyneth Paltrow: why are you the way you are?

Perhaps the only nice thing I can say about her is that I appreciate the Welsh spelling of her name, but only because everything Welsh looks like it’s misspelled. That, and she wore the Rescue Armor as Pepper Potts in Avengers Endgame. It was pretty dope; I’m not going to lie:

Two guesses where the ARC reactor is located.

Anyway, Gwyneth made the news a few years back saying this gem:

“You come across [online comments] about yourself and about your friends, and it’s a very dehumanizing thing. It’s almost like how, in war, you go through this bloody, dehumanizing thing, and then something is defined out of it…”

No, Gwyneth, being famous will not give you a pass to use anything us Veterans go through as a comparison for your wealthy and privileged life. This is Bullshido though, and you know Phrost didn’t give me a soapbox to criticize her just for silly comments. So, follow me down the rabbit hole as we explore the offerings in her online store, “Goop.”

Middle-Age Mutant Celebrities II – Secret of the Ooze

I’m sure you’ve already heard of this store because it was in the news a few years back being fined after the Food and Drug Administration warned people not to use their Vagina egg products. These were said to balance. “hormones, regulate menstrual cycles, prevent uterine prolapse, and increase bladder control.” They were rocks. I mean, precious stones but, she sold rocks to have people shove inside them.

not even going to bother to fucking caption this

I would assume getting fined would cause someone to take a good hard look at their products and revamp everything. It seems like they’ve just doubled down. I’m going to go through, and cherry-pick the best insanity.

Goop customers browsing the site…

Their Wellness shop link shows a half-naked lady strategically covered, so that’s where I clicked first. Some of the first things I’ve noticed is a product line labeled “Sun Potions.” “He Shou Wu, Ashwagandha, Mucuna Pruriens (Dopamine Bean?) and Cordyceps.” I have no idea if any of this works, but who sells potions in 2019? Scrolling further, I find “Chaga,” “Reishi,” and “Cordyceps Mushroom Elixir Mixes.” Again, who sells elixirs in 2019? This is weird stuff.

Instead of putting rock eggs in your body, she now sells water bottles with quartz and amethyst rocks in them…!? I guess she’s cheated the system. Good on her..?!

Now, this is where we start getting weird with it; “Chill Child – Kid Calming Mist.” They’ve already got this. It is called Chloroform (DISCLAIMER, DISCLAIMER, THIS IS A JOKE IN 2019! ONLY A JOKE!) According to the description it is “Rosewater with essential oils of lavender, chamomile, geranium, and jasmine—smells so grounding that it just might bring your wild child back down to Earth for a minute!”

A young Harvey Weinstein out for a night on the town

Who in their right mind sprays a kid in the face to calm them? No, wait. What in the hell did I just read? This says to **spray their aura.** I’m not kidding; it says, “The instructions say to spritz around your kid’s aura, but if you don’t know where their auras are exactly: Just spray around them.”

A handy, holistic, “Shut The Fuck Up Spray” for parents

How much worse could it get? Well, right next to this bottle is another product, “Psychic Vampire Repellent Protection Mist.” I am not, nor have I ever been, so entitled, that I could get rich, making up shit like this. Why did my parents give me reasoning and a sense of fairness that denied me the ability to steal from foolish people?

BACK OFF BECKY, YOU DRAMA DRACULA”

This page has a lot of vibrators on it. Like, a lot! And they all have pretty funny names; “The Frenchman, The Fireman, The Tennis Coach, Kip, Fin, Pom, Intimate Wellness Solution.” I’m not trying to shame her. I mean, get after it, Gwyneth. I honestly think this might be the most healthy products in her store.

But, then I found it. Priced modestly at $3,490.00 the, “Lelo Olga. The Gold Dildo.” 

Please allow 9 business days for our employees to stop laughing

I guess rich people love to fuck themselves. I’m so glad my grandfather fought in World War 2, and my great grandfather fought in World War One so that they give the rest of us a lineage of sacrifice in defending this great nation so that a rich actress could get richer selling solid gold dildos.
Continuing on: more elixirs, a bamboo toothbrush (is this a thing?) a vibrator necklace WAIT WHAT? This is a vibrator you can wear around your neck in public. Who the hell wants to see that? Oh, and it is also gold. It is hard not to get bitter at seeing this decadence when I’m eating cheap noodles on the daily, and trying to survive after opening a comic shop all the while on the budget of a disabled veteran. I’m concerned the world might need another plague.

“Did we mention it’s USB re-chargeable?”

Oh, look, “Anti-pollution drops.” Why are we not dumping this stuff into Lake Erie? 

Tarot cards too because why not? Finally, something that looks like a nailgun but might be for massages labeled, “G3PRO”, which I can’t help but notice sounds like C3PO.

This isn’t actually something they sell (believe it or not), I just got tired of going to their website

That’s just the “Wellness” section. There is an enormous amount of stuff here from clothing to beauty products. If I knew anything about actual chemical compounds and health, I imagine I could have a field day in the beauty section breaking down why a lot of this could be pseudoscience. I will say, so many of these beauty products are labeled Goop, and I can’t imagine smearing a product on my face that was one letter off from Poop. It is so weird that this is a brand name.

Anyways, everything here is beyond expensive. Earrings tend to be in the thousands and even sweat pants, labeled “Skinny Pants” run at about $95. As a fan of capitalism, I can’t hate her for high priced fashion. If she’s getting paid over this nonsense, god bless her, but as a fan of science, I do hate her “Wellness” section. There is a lot of products that seem like absolute bullshit. I mean, if you buy her 100 dollar sweat pants, at least you have got sweat pants to wear. If you buy her Child Calming Aura Spray all you’ve got is a spray bottle of scented water and broken dreams.

GOLD PLATED GAY FROG VIBRATOR NECKLACES
Steve Mix

Steve Mix

Steve Mix is owner of Green Machine Comics and a wounded U.S. Army combat paratrooper. If you ask him which comic book is going to be valuable in 20 years, he may very well beat you to death with a Funko Pop. Or not. You takes your chances.


Tags assigned to this article:
celebritiesgoopgwyneth paltrowsnake oil

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