1. #1

    XYIENCE® – Xenergy Cran-Razz

    I'll admit, there's a bit of the angsty, rebellious teenage jackass left in me. The kind that compels someone to buck trends, go against the grain, swim upstream, shop at Hot Topic, and all that sort of crap.

    But then, I'd like to think I'm old enough to put substance over style and judge something on its merits alone, even if I feel like I've been run over by the marketing bulldozer plowing a path to my wallet with the ferocity that Xyience has shown in the past few years.

    Don't get me wrong, I own a Xyience t-shirt. I snagged it at a meeting where one of the VPs was soliciting investments to fund upcoming projects. He'd brought two, and I got one, even though I didn't invest any money at the time. Go me. So I actually got to sit in on the pitch about upcoming Xyience stuff which included this drink. I figure that's worth mentioning because it's kind of cool in a "I knew about this before you did, who wants to touch me?" kind of way. Come on, you know you do.

    So I was pretty much obligated to try a can of this stuff, even before they debuted a commercial that in the interest of science, I had to watch seven times, back to back (twice in slow-motion) before I could identify that it was about an energy drink.

    Anyway, on with the fooking review:

    Taste: Definitely a 10. I down a lot of energy drinks. By "a lot" I mean, probably enough to give me epilepsy. Like, when they say caffeine prevents Alzheimer's, I've probably prevented seven generations of future Fletchers and their pets from getting it.

    Seriously, this stuff rocks balls. But then, I'm a fan of the cranberry in general. I've eaten cranberry sauce, with a spoon, out of the can, while watching rednecks smash boards on ESPN 8 (the Ocho). If the cranberry was a woman, she'd probably need to take out a restraining order on me because I'd be hiding in her bushes.

    I'd get a fountain of this stuff put in my office if I could figure out the logistics and convince my wife to let me tear out the carpet. It's not overly sweet like some energy drinks, and definitely a lot more "crisp". And it has absolutely no aftertaste that I can discern with my distinguished pallette.

    It's also a good that there's more of the "Cran" than the "Razz", because I hate Razz more than I hate running. And I hate running more than I hate hippies. And I've packed up my family and moved 2000+ miles because I hate hippies. Yeah.

    Aftertaste: 1. If you're one of those tl;dr types, you missed that part. Look up an inch, jerk.

    Energy: The amount of energy/buzz I got from this was probably about the equivalent of a Starbucks "tall" latte, without the pretentious little twit trying to make leaves or stars in the foam. (Kidding, my local barristas are good folks, especially Tyler who's hooked me up with more coffee than if I were banging Mrs. Juan Valdez.)

    Crash/Side-effects: Not really any noticeable, but I went running right before drinking one of these so I can't make a great evaluation. God I hate running.

    Even if Xyience wasn't a huge supporter of the UFC, and even if it didn't have some really awesome commercials that are highly informative and educational, it's a damn good energy drink, for the whole family. No, do not give this to your kids, jerk. That's just a saying. Well I guess you could, if you were leaving them for the day with your mother-in-law or something.

    Besides, water is for panzies anyway.

    And here's that commercial, for those of you who read the whole review:

    Ingredients (amount per serving):
    Serving Size – 8 oz.
    Can Size: 16 oz (all amount will be doubled to accurately reflect the total amount in a 16 oz can)

    Caffeine – UNKNOWN
    Calories - 0
    Proprietary Blend – 2,680 mg
    • Taurine
    • Glucoronolactone
    • Caffeine
    • Guarana Extract
    • Panax Ginsing Extract
    • Inositol
    • L-Carnitine

    Other Supplements –
    • Vitamin B3 (niacin) - 40 mg
    • Vitamin B6 - 10 mg
    • Vitamin B12 - 10 mcg
    • Pantothenic Acid - 100 mg

    Carbohydrates – 4 g
    (Sugar, 0 g)
    Attached Images Attached Images   
    Last edited by GoldenJonas; 3/30/2007 12:53pm at .

  2. #2
    Just to add to this, they have a "Big Apple" and "Clear" flavor as well.

    What the hell is "Clear" supposed to taste like?

  3. #3
    Shameless bump. I saw "Clear" at GNC but didn't buy it. Anyone try this yet?

  4. #4
    Ok, talking to myself here. I'm drinking a can of this right now. It pretty much tastes like Sprite/7UP.

  5. #5
    alex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    New Zealand
    Muay Thai
    wow, that is the best ad for anything ever


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