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  1. #1

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    All Martial Arts are Bullshit

    All martial arts are bullshit.

    Let it sink in.

    Some of you are nodding in agreement. You know what you do is purely for
    entertainment and camaraderie. You hold no illusions about your lack of ability
    to protect you and your loved ones using whatever sport-fu you've devoted
    decades of time and thousands of dollars toward. The term sport-fu does not even
    make you angry.

    This post is not for you.

    Some of you are plagued by a tiny demon of uncertainty. A nagging at your soul
    hinting at your impotence. You float through your sepia-toned days thinking,
    "Gee, I hope I never have to use this stuff, but if I do ..." Except the
    dot-dot-dot part never gets filled in. You really think, "I hope I never have to
    use this stuff." Because you know deep down it won't work.

    This post is not for you either. You are on the path to salvation. Your epiphany
    will surface. Each must find his own way.

    "But, but, ... BJJ?!?!?!?" you sputter. Indeed. You are among the most deluded.
    You folks are in the most danger. More than the Krav dorks.

    Pay attention and follow this advice:

    Take the $1,500 you'd spend for a year of crappy martial farts and buy a squat
    rack, a decent bar and as many cheap iron plates you can scrounge from
    craigslist. Then fucking use them.

    Why? Because the barbell doesn't care how badass you think you are. You will
    get instant feedback about how badass you really are. We are all gravity's
    bitch. Nothing is stronger than strength.

    Your cardio kickboxing doesn't mean ****. When your back's to the ground and
    that blade is inching toward your heart you can always get an extra lungful of
    air. You can't ever, ever get that extra pound of strength.

    So, while angel-you is rolling with St. Peter, 'ol Methy will be counting your
    money and raping your girl.

    Here's a true story: My cousin is strong -- retard strong. On his first day as a
    farmhand the bull was acting up. Wouldn't come inside. He walked up to the bull
    and punched him in the face. From that moment onward the bull followed him
    around like a puppy dog.

    What would you do the bull? Krotty chop his nuts? Side-mount his scrotum? All you'd get
    is a face-full of cow DNA. He made a 2,000 lb. bull his bitch by punching him in
    the face!!! That's why being strong is better than your **** martial fart.

    If he wanted your lunch money you'd give it to him. You'd also give him your
    home address so he could go to your house and **** your mom. Under no
    circumstance would you try to arm-bar him. You'd go limp like a toddler the
    second he put his meaty hand around your throat. Because, your martial fart is
    bullshit.

    Do you need more reasons why all martial farts are bullshit? Done. Let's talk
    about the business of martial farts. There are more charlatans in the martial
    farts industry than at a Herbalife convention.

    Even your local Mom 'n Pop McDojo is a fraud because, as a Marshall Farts
    Instruxor, your products are fear and cognitive dissonance.

    As more people lift weights and get strong, they have less fear and fewer delusions.
    This begets crazy money-grab schemes like affiliations, special weekend seminars,
    and paying for promotions.

    Need more cash? Then make more striped ranks. That way you don't even have to
    buy them a new belt you cheap ****.
    If you had to pay to move from kindergarten
    to first grade you'd still be a
    crayon-eatin' ************.

    Try going into a dojo and telling them up-front that you plan to never test up.
    Tell them you want to stay a white belt forever because you wanna stay humble.
    Do you think they want a white belt wandering around their dojo kicking the crap
    out of all their black belts? No. Not that it would be that hard from day one
    anyway.

    Don't get me started on Krotty Birthday Parties.

    Since when does the ability to maim and kill with your hands make you qualified
    to host birthday parties for toddlers? Think of it this way: if you can't
    maintain a viable business with just selling the product you've trained for:
    i.e.: your martial arts knowledge, maybe there isn't room in your town for a
    McDojo - or your McDojo. You're an adult making a living entertaining children at
    birthday parties. That makes you a clown. Might as well learn how to make balloon
    nunchucks, Sifu Fizzbo.

    Since movies inform your reality more than, you know, reality maybe you can
    answer me this: In what movie does the scrawny, weaker-than-**** hero learn
    krotty from a strip-mall McDojo. F'ing none. You're living The Karate Kid, but
    you look like Napoleon Dynamite.

    Admit it Daniel-san, you've been looking for Mr. Miyagi all your life. You won't
    find him next to Olive Garden. Especially when you're getting your teeth
    rearranged. He'll be back at the hacienda plunging toilets because, in reality,
    he's just a old putz with a 6th grade education and a bad liver. Not some
    ancient krotty mastuh.

    So, face it. You're a walking lawsuit. You are a liability to your friends and
    family. Your karate-chopping, krav maga'gin, b-j-jobbin fantasy world is no
    match for a violent and determined criminal who wants your fixie.

    No matter how much "aliveness" you put into your training you still live in a
    world of rules designed to protect you.

    The only rules that exist are:
    1) gravity
    2) bigger things eat smaller things.


    Shed your illusions, lift heavy things, and we will all be safer.

  2. #2
    BackFistMonkey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HarshMallow View Post
    1) gravity
    Judo ftw again!
    I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.
    BILL HICKS,
    1961-1994

    "Never believe that anti-Semites are completely unaware of the absurdity of their replies. They know that their remarks are frivolous, open to challenge. But they are amusing themselves, for it is their adversary who is obliged to use words responsibly, since he believes in words. The anti-Semites have the right to play. They even like to play with discourse for, by giving ridiculous reasons, they discredit the seriousness of their interlocutors. They delight in acting in bad faith, since they seek not to persuade by sound argument but to intimidate and disconcert. If you press them too closely, they will abruptly fall silent, loftily indicating by some phrase that the time for argument is past."
    ---Jean-Paul Sartre

  3. #3
    Lily's Avatar
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    I like everything about this thread except for the bull being punched.
    "I'm reluctant to sound like a total fa66ot as well, but my background in sculpture gave me an edge in understanding how we're expected to move thru space." - The Other Other Serge

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lily View Post
    I like everything about this thread except for the bull being punched.
    Fortunately that's the part that didn't happen

  5. #5
    Bneterasedmynam's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HarshMallow View Post
    All martial arts are bullshit.

    Let it sink in.

    Some of you are nodding in agreement. You know what you do is purely for
    entertainment and camaraderie. You hold no illusions about your lack of ability
    to protect you and your loved ones using whatever sport-fu you've devoted
    decades of time and thousands of dollars toward. The term sport-fu does not even
    make you angry.

    This post is not for you.

    Some of you are plagued by a tiny demon of uncertainty. A nagging at your soul
    hinting at your impotence. You float through your sepia-toned days thinking,
    "Gee, I hope I never have to use this stuff, but if I do ..." Except the
    dot-dot-dot part never gets filled in. You really think, "I hope I never have to
    use this stuff." Because you know deep down it won't work.

    This post is not for you either. You are on the path to salvation. Your epiphany
    will surface. Each must find his own way.

    "But, but, ... BJJ?!?!?!?" you sputter. Indeed. You are among the most deluded.
    You folks are in the most danger. More than the Krav dorks.

    Pay attention and follow this advice:

    Take the $1,500 you'd spend for a year of crappy martial farts and buy a squat
    rack, a decent bar and as many cheap iron plates you can scrounge from
    craigslist. Then fucking use them.

    Why? Because the barbell doesn't care how badass you think you are. You will
    get instant feedback about how badass you really are. We are all gravity's
    bitch. Nothing is stronger than strength.

    Your cardio kickboxing doesn't mean ****. When your back's to the ground and
    that blade is inching toward your heart you can always get an extra lungful of
    air. You can't ever, ever get that extra pound of strength.

    So, while angel-you is rolling with St. Peter, 'ol Methy will be counting your
    money and raping your girl.

    Here's a true story: My cousin is strong -- retard strong. On his first day as a
    farmhand the bull was acting up. Wouldn't come inside. He walked up to the bull
    and punched him in the face. From that moment onward the bull followed him
    around like a puppy dog.

    What would you do the bull? Krotty chop his nuts? Side-mount his scrotum? All you'd get
    is a face-full of cow DNA. He made a 2,000 lb. bull his bitch by punching him in
    the face!!! That's why being strong is better than your **** martial fart.

    If he wanted your lunch money you'd give it to him. You'd also give him your
    home address so he could go to your house and **** your mom. Under no
    circumstance would you try to arm-bar him. You'd go limp like a toddler the
    second he put his meaty hand around your throat. Because, your martial fart is
    bullshit.

    Do you need more reasons why all martial farts are bullshit? Done. Let's talk
    about the business of martial farts. There are more charlatans in the martial
    farts industry than at a Herbalife convention.

    Even your local Mom 'n Pop McDojo is a fraud because, as a Marshall Farts
    Instruxor, your products are fear and cognitive dissonance.

    As more people lift weights and get strong, they have less fear and fewer delusions.
    This begets crazy money-grab schemes like affiliations, special weekend seminars,
    and paying for promotions.

    Need more cash? Then make more striped ranks. That way you don't even have to
    buy them a new belt you cheap ****.
    If you had to pay to move from kindergarten
    to first grade you'd still be a
    crayon-eatin' ************.

    Try going into a dojo and telling them up-front that you plan to never test up.
    Tell them you want to stay a white belt forever because you wanna stay humble.
    Do you think they want a white belt wandering around their dojo kicking the crap
    out of all their black belts? No. Not that it would be that hard from day one
    anyway.

    Don't get me started on Krotty Birthday Parties.

    Since when does the ability to maim and kill with your hands make you qualified
    to host birthday parties for toddlers? Think of it this way: if you can't
    maintain a viable business with just selling the product you've trained for:
    i.e.: your martial arts knowledge, maybe there isn't room in your town for a
    McDojo - or your McDojo. You're an adult making a living entertaining children at
    birthday parties. That makes you a clown. Might as well learn how to make balloon
    nunchucks, Sifu Fizzbo.

    Since movies inform your reality more than, you know, reality maybe you can
    answer me this: In what movie does the scrawny, weaker-than-**** hero learn
    krotty from a strip-mall McDojo. F'ing none. You're living The Karate Kid, but
    you look like Napoleon Dynamite.

    Admit it Daniel-san, you've been looking for Mr. Miyagi all your life. You won't
    find him next to Olive Garden. Especially when you're getting your teeth
    rearranged. He'll be back at the hacienda plunging toilets because, in reality,
    he's just a old putz with a 6th grade education and a bad liver. Not some
    ancient krotty mastuh.

    So, face it. You're a walking lawsuit. You are a liability to your friends and
    family. Your karate-chopping, krav maga'gin, b-j-jobbin fantasy world is no
    match for a violent and determined criminal who wants your fixie.

    No matter how much "aliveness" you put into your training you still live in a
    world of rules designed to protect you.

    The only rules that exist are:
    1) gravity
    2) bigger things eat smaller things.


    Shed your illusions, lift heavy things, and we will all be safer.
    I partially agree. Size and strength absolutely fucking matter. But so does skill, speed, and intellect. I mean if what you say is completely true then Brock Lesner should be an unstoppable champion.

  6. #6

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    Violence of action matters. Being sure of what you are doing and single minded in focus matters probably more than anything.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kriegschwein View Post
    Violence of action matters. Being sure of what you are doing and single minded in focus matters probably more than anything.
    Have you ever tested that theory?

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lily View Post
    I like everything about this thread except for the bull being punched.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mandem View Post
    Fortunately that's the part that didn't happen
    I don't know if it's true, but it's the only part I didn't make up.

  9. #9
    BackFistMonkey's Avatar
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    Please note my observation still stands against the onslaught of nonsense and fuckery.
    I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.
    BILL HICKS,
    1961-1994

    "Never believe that anti-Semites are completely unaware of the absurdity of their replies. They know that their remarks are frivolous, open to challenge. But they are amusing themselves, for it is their adversary who is obliged to use words responsibly, since he believes in words. The anti-Semites have the right to play. They even like to play with discourse for, by giving ridiculous reasons, they discredit the seriousness of their interlocutors. They delight in acting in bad faith, since they seek not to persuade by sound argument but to intimidate and disconcert. If you press them too closely, they will abruptly fall silent, loftily indicating by some phrase that the time for argument is past."
    ---Jean-Paul Sartre

  10. #10
    Permalost's Avatar
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    But can that bull punching strongman take a SHURIKEN TO THE MOTHERFRICKIN' EYE!?!

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