Diary of a College Samurai

[Airman Kai]

Way to start another thread, Shinkengata. Looking forward to this one going all awesome.

[Uterus Escobar]

Shinkengata is a giant, cuddly teddy bear of Awesome.

That is all.

[Shinkengata]

Day 2

Dear Diary,

I have finally moved into my dwelling. I spent all night ripping up the carpet and replacing it with tatami mats. It was surprisingly easy to move, since i have no furniture, only my TV and DVD player. I sleep on the floor, just as my samurai fathers of old. It cultivates a tough body, so the back aches and stiffness are merely weakness leaving my body. Speaking of toughened body, i am reminded of a story that bears repeating here...of my experiences with my Sensei.

It was years ago...in the lush green setting of Sensei's back yard. I was undergoing testing to receive my Kenshi license. I stand there, with a busted lip, broken nose, 3 broken fingers, a torn spleen, 4 gashes that would later require sutures, a dislocated hip, dislocated right shoulder, 7 broken toes, cracked rib, swollen eye, torn ear, and swollen testicles from fighting with sensei.....Sensei disappears into his dwelling, and soon reappears gracefully holding 10 bokken in his arms like a pile of firewood. He instructs me to assume Musashi no Kamae.....i graciously comply.

He takes the first of the 10 Bokken and launches across the distance between us, and strikes me right on the neck with the bokken. The bokken breaks like balsa wood because of my newly cultivated Oni spirit. He grabs another, and another, and another...until he has broken 8 bokken over my iron body. My oni powers were drained by the 9th bokken...and Sensei said that i had broken more than anyone in the history of samurai. I humbly bowed...he returned the bow, and i received my Kenshi license.


I approached the director of the University's gym today, and proposed to him that i use part of his space to train men to be Samurai. He looked at me rather strangely, and excused himself to his "office" where he promptly shut the door. I heard much laughter eminating from behind the door, and smiled to myself. This poor soul was deliriously happy to have the honorable company of a Samurai. He accepted my offer, and required $75 per month rental fee. I agreed and resumed my path to the local food market where i purchased fish, rice, and teriyaki.

So here be i, Sephiroth, on my second day in this place, enjoying the 2nd disc from the Rorouni Kenshin DVD. The moon shines vibrantly outside of my window, no doubt put there by my Grandmaster to light my path and please my soul.

I must retire now, meditate and speak with my Grandmaster. We shall cross paths again diary.

[FictionPimp]

So far I'm loving it. Especialy the 10 bokken part.

[Shinkengata]

Day 7

Dear Diary


I've begun to settle into my current location quite well. I persuaded the local hardware store to order Choji oil for me, which should arrive by mail in 2 weeks.

I visited my local bank yesterday to withdraw funding for various tasks. The peasant on the other side of the counter mistakingly shorted me $20 from what i had requested withdrawn. She apologized, and i politely informed her that hara kiri should be sufficient to attone for her mistake.

I've begun instructing at the university. I gained 6 immediate students from the Computer Technology group known as "Kappa Alpha Psi". They are thin, and weak, but i will make them strong and noble. I have found many of them are obsessed with Nihongo animation, and therein lies my common ground with them. I brought them over to my dwelling and we ate rice and watched Naruto episodes until the early morning hours. There are many beautiful women at the university (of course none of them are on par with Geisha), and i am quite puzzled as to why they have not begun to throw themselves upon me, a samurai warrior. In Japan, i would be the equivelant of actor Marlon Brando or Vin Diesel. Japanese women would go out of their way to please me in numerous aspects. Ignorant american women.....what can i do?

I must venture to the bathroom and please myself....i shall return at a later time.

*note to self* Choji Oil does not work well with pleasuring oneself...i must purchase Lotion or some form of lubricant in the near future.

[Don Gwinn]

For $42.66 plus tax, i was joined with my soul. Its 440(which means its folded 440 times) Stainless Steel blade, when combined with my oni powers, has cut clean through many things.....basketballs, small trees, children's bicycle tires, and soda cans.

Not to nitpick, but maybe he only thinks he could make clean cuts through these things?
In the real world, trying to cut bike tires, basketballs and even soda cans cleanly with the United Cutlery stuff would result in high frustration. It's not the steel; the blade geometry sucks and it takes some skill to make clean cuts on difficult targets. Clean cuts through basketballs, for instance, would actually be very impressive.

I hate people who tell Shinkengata what to do, but I'd love to hear about what happens when Sephiroph tries to demonstrate his cutting skills in front of people.

[Airman Kai]

The peasant on the other side of the counter mistakingly shorted me $20 from what i had requested withdrawn. She apologized, and i politely informed her that hara kiri should be sufficient to attone for her mistake.

Much LOL'ing ensued at work, prompting the SSgt behind me to ask what the hell was so funny. He didn't get it. I guess they confiscate your sense of humor when they give you SSgt stripes.

So the moral of the story is that you are hilarious. The end.

[RaiNnyX4]

All I gotta say is this guy better have a blonde ponytail and a neckbeard. Ace so far!

[Backdraft]

Day 7

Dear Diary


I've begun to settle into my current location quite well. I persuaded the local hardware store to order Choji oil for me, which should arrive by mail in 2 weeks.

I visited my local bank yesterday to withdraw funding for various tasks. The peasant on the other side of the counter mistakingly shorted me $20 from what i had requested withdrawn. She apologized, and i politely informed her that hara kiri should be sufficient to attone for her mistake.

I've begun instructing at the university. I gained 6 immediate students from the Computer Technology group known as "Kappa Alpha Psi". They are thin, and weak, but i will make them strong and noble. I have found many of them are obsessed with Nihongo animation, and therein lies my common ground with them. I brought them over to my dwelling and we ate rice and watched Naruto episodes until the early morning hours. There are many beautiful women at the university (of course none of them are on par with Geisha), and i am quite puzzled as to why they have not begun to throw themselves upon me, a samurai warrior. In Japan, i would be the equivelant of actor Marlon Brando or Vin Diesel. Japanese women would go out of their way to please me in numerous aspects. Ignorant american women.....what can i do?

I must venture to the bathroom and please myself....i shall return at a later time.

*note to self* Choji Oil does not work well with pleasuring oneself...i must purchase Lotion or some form of lubricant in the near future.

Absolutely golden. Somewhat disturbing, but very funny nonetheless.

[datdamnmachine]

Much LOL'ing ensued at work, prompting the SSgt behind me to ask what the hell was so funny. He didn't get it. I guess they confiscate your sense of humor when they give you SSgt stripes.

So the moral of the story is that you are hilarious. The end.

Hmmm, in the Army I believe they do the same thing to our SSgt's. Just reason # 78439 why I left the military.

[Robstafarian]

Hmmm, in the Army I believe they do the same thing to our SSgt's. Just reason # 78439 why I left the military.

Incorrect, Asia is a SSgt and we all know that his sense of humor is intact. On the other hand, he is a god amongst men.

[polishillusion]

All I gotta say is this guy better have a blonde ponytail and a neckbeard. Ace so far!

lol lo fucking l

[datdamnmachine]

Incorrect, Asia is a SSgt and we all know that his sense of humor is intact. On the other hand, he is a god amongst men.

Well if he's as great as you all say he is, wish he was my SSG, cause most of mine sucked! Course if I would have stayed in I would be at that rank myself. Then some fool private would be on here complaining about how uncool I am...:(...!

[halfcut]

. I guess they confiscate your sense of humor when they give you SSgt stripes.

Not true at all. I'm a SGT/E5 in the army which is the same rank and all I do is screw off at work. Hell I don't even know where anybody is right now, which means that it's about time to watch Southpark on youtube.

[Shinkengata]

My thread has officially been hijacked.