Critical Mass: Douchebag of the Month - March 2011

[Devil]

Volkswagen.......Driver's wanted.

[Snake Plissken]

The first time I was stuck in a Critical Mass Clusterfuck, I was driving a friend with disabilities to a restaurant. It should have taken about 15 minutes to get there, and it would have taken well over an hour to take the bus there. My friend also happened to develop the massive shits on the way there, which he was attempting to hold. Then Critical Mass came and blocked an intersection, going around and around in circles. A vehicle had been caught in the intersection, and some nasty dreadlocked motherfucker climbed up on top of the car and was pumping his bike in the air like a caveman with a speak in one of those cheesey old movies. He was jumping up and down on top of the car, denting the hell out of it. He got arrested, but it took quite a while for traffic to clear up. My friend's dignity, however? That took longer.

The second time, I had a severe back injury. I had to go out and get something, maybe it was medicine or maybe it was food. I don't remember. There was no way I was physically able to ride any kind of bike- I was in an incredible amount of pain. I couldn't take public transportation- it takes a lot more time than I could endure, and the bus and even BART were far too jarring. The one time I tried, I ended up on the floor of the subway, screaming. Walk? Shit, I could barely walk down the aisle of the grocery store, heavily leaning on a cart, and taking a ton of breaks.
I wasn't actually supposed to be able to walk at all, but I'm a stubborn bitch that way.

On top of the actual back injury, I had sciatica, which kind of feels like knives constantly cutting through your leg down to the bone. Sitting puts extra pressure on the sciatic nerve, which causes even more pain. Sitting in my car for a long period of time was sheer torture, but I had to eat, and I had medications I had to take, so I was out there on the road for a short trip.

In came Critical Mass, blockading traffic completely and sreaming at the people in the cars.

"FUCK YOU, GO TO HELL, YOU'RE MURDERING THE PLANET!!!!" one screamed, while keeping at least 40 cars stuck on the road for a half an hour longer than they would have been running.

"I HOPE YOU DIE YOU SELFISH STUPID FAT LAZY BITCH," one shouted at me. I did my best to hold back the tears, because I knew very well how my body had been ruined by being unable to roll over without help for months, and because I was in so damned much pain and I needed to get home and lie down in bed so badly. The pain was getting intense enough that it was hard to focus. I felt like I was going to throw up. I felt dizzy. I felt like screaming but I'd learned long ago that screaming just tensed my back muscles up and made it worse.

I wondered how many people were trying to get home from a long commute who would be stuck commuting 6 hours a day if they didn't have a car, and who lived where they lived because that was the only place they could afford to. I wondered if anyone was heading to one of the local hospitals to visit a loved one who might not make it. I wondered if anyone else was in my situation. I wondered what made those guys out there think they were given a "get out of being a decent human being free" card just because they rode bikes, as if that meant they were faultless, flawless, above reproach.

I wondered how many of them had really been through intense hardships, and why they hadn't learned any empathy because of it. I wondered if they thought everyone was privileged enough to be able to just take the time to run some longass protest for a couple hours every week. I wondered if it ever occurred to them that not everyone in the world is a physically healthy, non0disabled 20something. I wondered if they'd ever thought about how much if costs some people physically just to go out to get a loaf of fucking bread, and how much it wears down a person's spirit. I wondered if they knew that there are some injuries, some disabilities, that cause someone to be bedridden for DAYS because they had to push themself just a little too far.

I was stuck sitting in that car long enough, I started to get so angry, and I started to despair. The Critical Massers were riding around, having a grand old time, threatening to kick people's asses and beat them up for being planet murders, driving those evil cars. They were laughing and grinning and exclaiming "WOOOOO" a lot, and when they left they were high 5ing and looking incredibly smug because they'd accomplished so very much and were MAKING A DIFFERENCE, MAN, because they were AWARE! I think they threw crap at some of the cars for good measure, flipping people off and hurling a few choice insults before finally leaving.

I'm pretty sure I wasn't really able to go out again for days after that. It was too much of a strain on my body at that time. So hey, I guess mission accomplished, they kept an evil car driver off the road for a while!

There are good bikers in the bay area, who are considerate and careful and who follow the rules of the road.

A lot MORE often than that, however, I watch bikers blow through red lights, stop signs, weave in front of faster moving traffic, ride OUTSIDE of the bike lanes, and try to dart around a right-turning car on the car's right, when they are going straight. A lot of bikers seem to think that the rules of the road do not apply to them, for they are so much more righteous than those dirty car drivers. Many seem blissfully unaware that self-righteousness does not, in fact, trump the laws of physics.

There are shitty drivers out there who don't pay attention too, and that can be deadlier. But shit man, a guy on a bike CAN actually do some pretty serious damage to a pedestrian (I have almost been run down by bikers many times, and only wasn't because I managed to haul my ass out of the way) and you know what? It's scary having to share the road with them. It's stressful as hell. I don't want to run someone over. I don't want to see someone lying in a pool of blood in the street every time I close my eyes. I hate sharing the road with bikers not only because many of them are inconsiderate and do not let faster traffic pass when they can safely do so (which I am pretty sure you are supposed to do when you have three or more vehicles backed up behind you and are going a lot slower than the speed limit) but because a lot of them are erratic, unsafe motherfuckers who might do something illegal and dangerous at any time. So I get pretty worried that there's going to be an accident.

"I am riding a bike" does not mean "I am more evolved than everyone else," it does not mean "I don't really have to obey the law," and it doesn't mean "physics don't apply to me, and it's always the evil car driver's fault if physics happens." You have to be a considerate human being if you want other people to be considerate human beings to you. And you might want to consider the fact that other people have circumstances and lives that differ from your own, and make them unable to do the things that you do.

But why think about things like that? That's complicated and hard and doesn't make you feel all pumped up and great about yourself like running around in a mob yelling at people.

well, are you fat?

[Evergrey]

well, are you fat?

Yes I am, though that is slowly changing. And?

[Devil]

Just for giggles I surfed over to a cycling forum, hoping to get some laughs from all the crying hippies.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that the general consensus was that they don't give a fuck. Apparently, they're well aware Critical Mass is composed of a bunch of asshats who give them all a bad name and this sort of thing was inevitable. Turns out most cyclists aren't bad guys after all.

[Permalost]

Wow Ev, I guess Critical Mass is a lot crazier in San Francisco than San Diego, which isn't surprising at all actually. From the people I've talked to that do it, there's kind of a rift between the people who want to keep it somewhat legit and the people who are out to be total assholes.

If some dreadlocked asshole started jumping on my car with a bike and denting the roof, I'd have to get out and Hulk Hogan toss him on the ground and bend his skinny racing wheels with my heel. Then I'd probably have to fight an entire crowd of hipsters on bikes, which I think I'd actually have a decent chance of winning.

[Snake Plissken]

http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?sec...sco&id=7301302


EDIT: did a quick search and came up with this 1997 Critical Mass in San Francisco video:

starting at :40 secs. you can see the huge numbers of SFPD working the "event"

from the YouTube description:

One month after two bicyclers are killed at the July, 1997 Critical mass event by impatient commuters angered by the bike coalition's blocking of the Bay Bridge on ramps as part of the protest. This event is the largest Critical Mass ever in San Francisco drawing over 10,000 bikers to make a statement that bike commuting is good for the personal health and good for global environmental health in combating auto generated greenhouse gases. Plus bike culture is fun and convivial.

[omoplatypus]

Let's see, you're the one with the "home defense" fantasy, who would nuke all the Arab countries, and who finds that scene funny.
You should stick to South Park and GTA, since you don't know the difference between fiction and real life. But you can still dream, maybe there'll be an Arab Zombie Bikers Apocalypse, so you can mow them down from your home M60 turret.

don't talk to my boyfriend that way, or i'll give you one hell of a judo chop.

love you, devil :kisses:

[Odacon]

Whilst reading this thread the constant reminder of "this shit wouldn't fly here" soothed me, then of course I had to look up "critical mass dublin", where I see this:

Where we have a bunch of hipster fuckwits annoying motorists (at 1:33 they start harassing a taxi driver who has a fare) and generally making motorists resent all cyclists even more.

[RurikGreenwulf]

Douche bag of the last decades would be more fitting
I think we should talk some Motorcycle gang to take some action against it, that would be so awesome

[StepInCross]

Isn't inciting a riot or civil unrest a crime for which they should be punished? And since no government can put them throught the legal system(too much money), why can't they just let riot police have a go at them?

It'd be real nice if a bunch of riot police came and screamed into a megaphone for people to close their windows, don't move and enjoy they show as they throw tear gas.

[Ming Loyalist]

Then I'd probably have to fight an entire crowd of hipsters on bikes, which I think I'd actually have a decent chance of winning.

of course you would win, you're trained in the deadly choy lei fut, a type of southern chinese boxing. designed to fight multiple opponents.

especially if they happen to be a bunch of clueless skinny hipsters who can't fight.

[Odacon]

Instead of fighting them, you could just as easily tie some fishing line to a lampost/traffic light on a narrow street along their route, the quickly run across the road and attach the other end as they approached.........

[creativo]

don't talk to my boyfriend that way, or i'll give you one hell of a judo chop.

love you, devil :kisses:

Hey I didn't know, sorry pal. I admit I got carried away, but I trust in your sweet loving to mellow him out a bit. I, too, like having boyfriends that seem to be picked straight from the Blues Brothers cast so I can relate.

[Devil]

My wife even laughed at this video last night.

[jnp]

My wife even laughed at this video last night.

You and your wife sound like lovely people. It'd be more than a little funny if one of those people who got mowed down was one of your kids.

Yep, real funny.