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Drunken Boxing: A practical guide

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    Drunken Boxing: A practical guide

    A Treatise on Drunken Boxing

    As some of you may or may not have noticed (or cared[or noticed but were glad]), I have not been around. There of course has been talk that between working 40 hours a week, 10 hours of night classes in law school (3 hours a day, not counting studying), moving in to a new apartment with my girlfriend, and still maintaining my grappling skillz has eaten up all my time.

    This, however, is a bald faced lie.

    Where I've really been is deep in the mountains, training the legendary, mystical, unstoppable art of Drunken Boxing. And that's what I'm here to talk about today.

    Having recently transcended time by becoming a Drunken Immortal (I guess it's now 9 immortal drunken boxing), I could not contain this wealth of information I've received to myself. I should share it, share it with the world! It is my hope and dream that Drunken Boxing flourish.

    So, having descended from the mountains, I will give you, the bullshido collective, a comprehensive step by step program to becoming your very own Drunken Master. No down payments required, though donations ARE accepted. Without futher ado...

    1. An Overview of Overviews

    Now, I know what you're thinking. "When is the part where I get plastered and kick massive ass?" Whoa there! We've got a lot of ground to cover before we get that far. Let's start by giving you an over view of your new lifestyle.

    Just like schools have required reading, so does drunken boxing. Except instead of having to read Little Women, you'll be watching kung fu movies and playing Xbox. Yes, it will be an arduous journey. But it will pay its dividends.

    In terms of movies, you have the following required watching:
    Drunken Master I&II (Classic tomes of DB)
    Shaolin Drunken Monk (Watch and be amazed by Gordon Liu's own interpretation of drunken boxing)
    Hero among Heroes (Donnie Yen's flavor, taste it you must)
    Rock Lee vs Kimimaro episode of Naruto (The spirit of drunken boxing, rather than the technique. Also, you can bash animu nerds by saying "That's nice and all, but its not the REAL drunken boxing!")

    Pick 2 (or more) of the following:
    Heroes of the East (Drunken Boxing cameo)
    Last Hero in China (Supplementary Jet Li style Drunken Boxing)
    Forbidden Kingdom (More Jackie Chan drunken boxing, but it sucks ass; this is the Pride and Prejudice of this reading list)
    Drunken Master III (To be fair, I didn't know it existed either)
    Ong Bok II (Only brief demonstrations, usually just involves spasming on the ground; then again, that's good technique, hard to say)

    This requires either an Xbox 360 or a Ps3, if you want state of the art, cutting edge drunken boxing. In theory you could be a cheap bastard and get a ps2 or an xbox and purchase the older iterations, but if your commitment is true, then there is no price too high to pay for drunken boxing mastery. With that in mind let me remind you I take donations.

    Tekken 3-6 (Ps2 (3-5), Ps3/360 (6)) (Lei Wulong. He may only have a limited choice of drunken moves, but he looks like Jackie Chan, so that makes up for it a little I guess)

    DOA 3/4 (Xbox/360) (Brad Wong. He is your Drunken ubermensch. You aspire to be brad wong. He shows the elements of the 8 immortals (Game was made before I transcended, I assume they'll update it for 5?), while also being a laid back chronic alcoholic. Also he trips balls during the end of 4, which is worth a chortle.)

    VF 2-5 (Ps2 (2-4), Ps3/360 (5)) (Shun Di. Old guy, who has special moves unlocked as he drinks from his gourd. To be honest, I haven't played this as much, but old guys are usually kick ass. I'd guess he's probably a nut crushing motherfucker, who'll put chilipowder in your hemmoroid creme. Also I'd guess he has a Liver composed of Adamantium.)

    Study these reading materials. Ingest them; I've seen all of them countless times, and spent many a finals week playing Dead or Alive 4. You'll know you've seen them enough when you can quote them (DOG EAT SHIT AM I RITE OR WHAT).

    2. Lets get wasted

    As a preword to this section, I should note that before actually attempting to drunken box, many martial arts masters recommend having proficiency in a martial arts style already. I whole heartedly agree. I mean, what, you didn't actually expect to rely on the drunken boxing, did you? It will take many moons for you to be at the level of a drunken master, much less an immortal like myself. So you need something to carry your ass that you can claim is drunken boxing. I suggest grappling, or any other valid striking art. Maybe both, or MMA. I will cover this in detail later, but having skill in something where you can already wreck some shit is required.

    You've seen the movies. You've played the games. You're ready, ready to kick ass and trascend coolness to become the most rad fellow in your hick town. I know what you're thinking. "I guess now is when we search out a real teacher to teach us, right?"

    Wrong, queernuts!

    While it is true that you need to learn drunken boxing, there is no reason you have to learn it from a teacher. I mean, realistically, they probably learned it the same way we will, so whatever. While it may seem like you need a teacher to appear valid, in the section on smudging your lineage, you'll have all the qualifcations you need!

    What I suggest is purchasing instructional manuals, dvd's, or While you can learn from the movies (you'd be following in the foodsteps of many, the next in line of a proud tradition!), it's generally considered a drunken faux pas not to have a source material you draw from. Besides, none of the movies show the full 8 forms, and do you really think you're at the stage where you can make up Miss Ho on the spot? I didn't think so.

    One question that should've crossed your mind is, "How in shape should I be?", which is a valid point. Most drunken masters are usually ripped out of their minds. Also they can sometimes breakdance. So, what should you do? It really depends on your level of dedication. Theoretically, you should be shredded, able to windmill or flare, walk on your hands, be crazy flexible, but also strong, and have your urine be 80 proof. In practice? Who cares. Get built, or not. I mean, have you seen how much work it takes to be that flexible? Or what those people eat? It's like, a string bean and some chicken! Screw that shit, I'll take my Cheesy Gordito Crunch now. And super size it. Be careful though; Fat Han was fat, and he got stuck with "Fat" as part of his drunken immortal nickname. He's Fat Han forever. You could be Fat Jack (which is not that bad of a nickname) forever. The choice is yours.

    Another question you must face is which type of drunken boxing you wish to do. There is the imitation drunken-state kind, and the "dude why's there vomit on my crotch oh wait I forgo-BLOOOOOORGH" kind. It really doesn't matter to me. As a bonus, if you choose the latter, you can allocate your schools earnings towards liquor and classify it as "training material". I'm not sure if this is illegal in terms of Tax Law yet, but who cares. You won't get butt raped in prison if you're a drunken master anyway.

    Once you learn your forms from your chosen source material, you may start to think you're the cats ass. But this is far from true. Remember when I said you needed prior experience in something? Now you need to "interpret" the forms, and by interpret the forms, I mean apply your current ass kicking abilities to the abstract drunken boxing movements. Examples:

    (If your background is Muay Thai) "You know when cripple li lifts his leg into a one legged stance? That's actually a leg kick check. Yea, just like the one in Muay Thai! *knowing wink to the camera behind you*"

    (If your background is grappling) "You know when cripple li lifts his leg into a one legged stance? Well, if you apply that on the ground, you've got the set up to a leg lock! Yea, just like the one in grappling! *knowing wink and thumbs up to the camera*"

    You're really only limited by your imagination. The better you are at grappling/striking, the more you can get away with. Soon all the drunken gods are actually practical MMA fighters, and you really ARE the cats ass. Just don't forget your drunken flavor. Practice the forms, and show them to your friends, but then kick their ass with totally unrelated moves. When asked about it, say it's simply hidden in the form. Use the phrase "a strike is a lock is a throw is a block", which really means nothing. It's like the bible, where you can pull whatever interpretation out of the source you want. Come on, Jesus really doesn't want me to masturbate? Then why does the bible say "And Paul said, let the carrot be waxed. Lord God Jesus is our savior"? *Knowing wink* (This trick I picked up from the television show, "Bible Man". I suggest you watch it, as its both entertaining, and wholesome!)

    Anyway. Just make sure to keep your drunken flavor. Anyone can train MMA, but not everyone can be a drunken master.

    3. Ancient Chinese Secret

    So, you've mastered the 8 immortal forms. You kick everybody's ass. Now you want to get paid. It's alright; you're most likely in debt from the donations you've sent to me, or from your heavy abuse of alcohol. Maybe you like hookers and blow. I don't know, I'm not here to judge. The fact is, you need money, and you wasted all the time you should've been studying doing drunken boxing. It's all you've got now. Fear not! It will be your redemption.

    Now, I know what you're thinking. "But, I don't have a valid lineage! I just read it out of some books and made shit up!" Don't worry. That's what everyone else did too! But how are they so successful, while you're sucking dicks in the back alley for booze money? Easy. They forged their credentials, and you can too.

    There's a number of ways to go about this. The first is to just use some random chinese name as your master, who you trained with in china. I mean, there's like, literally a billion chinese in china. There's got to be a Man Dong Choi somewhere. The fact that he lives in rural china makes contacting him very difficult, as well. Maybe drop off the radar every now and again for a "trip" to meet "master", when in actuality you'll be wicked pissed in vegas. You're still limited by your imagination. Here's my "lineage":

    Hung Dong > Dong Hang Lo > Long Wang > Me

    My lineage goes back three generations! And they all sound like penis jokes! This is why I'm the immortal, and you're some crackerjack.

    Another way is to get a certificate from a "real" master. Some people offer full time drunken boxing training courses, like Sifu Ripske or whatever his name is. How you spend your money is up to you, but its cheaper to make up names and donate to me than to pay some jerk off who isn't even an immortal.

    The final method is to carry a gourd. No one really questions your drunken boxing lineage if you have a gourd. They think "Man, this guy looks ready to party down." Party down as in fight, or party down as in get shitfaced? Ah, the quandry of a drunken master!

    4. Making it your own

    So now you're rich, famous, and unbeatable. Drunken Boxing has treated you well. But you don't want to be just any Joe Blow master (as I'm sure there will be after the publication of this article). What is going to put you above everybody else? After many months meditating in the mountains, I reached enlightenment. Then I realized the answer to this question.

    Adding your own form.

    Yes. Why simply be a drunken master when you could be a drunken GOD. Lu Don Bin, the 1st drunken immortal, just when around grabbing taoists. If this haphazard selection of immortals can fly, well then god damn it I can select myself. Now, as your Sifu, I'm the 9th immortal. Tough shit. I've added my own form already, too, so you can forget about it. But there's no reason you couldn't be the 10th! Also, in your lineage, you can claim to have been taught by a REAL drunken immortal, who is more bad ass than you could ever hope to be, and I'm a real person, and if you've made donations I'll vouch for you any time dude mi casa es yu casa!

    Making your own form isn't as easy as it sounds. Standard procedure is to make up a bunch of random movements, and place functional framework on top of them. One could probably contain all BJJ in a drunken immortal, should they desire. Or the Crazy Monkey Defense (Just rename it Drunken Monkey God or something). This is the easy part. The hard part is coming up with an immortal name!

    The rules of an immortal name follow namely that they have to be self expressive, cool, but most importantly, chinese. You can't have John Suck as a drunken immortal, even if thats your name, because its boring and not chinese. I chose Jug Gah Not. It looks chinese (if anyone questions you, say its cantonese, no one knows what that means, not even me!), is cool, and expressive (say it fast; it sounds like Juggernaut! Which is what I want to be when I grow up!).

    In summation, drunken boxing is a physically taxing, but combatantly flaccid, method of fighting. However, with a little tasteful deceit and underhanded tactics, you can be a combat ready drunken master, or even god. Except the 9th. I'm the 9th.

    ~ The Immortal Jug Gah Not

    I shall send my donation shortly.
    Let your anger be like a monkey trapped inside a pinata; waiting inside, hoping that the children don't break through with the stick.

    -Master Tang (Kung Pow! Enter the Fist)

    A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.
    Bill Cosby

    The believer is happy, the doubter wise.
    Greek proverb

    Originally posted by Nicko1
    Martial Talk is not neutral, it's just neutered.




        MrBadGuy is back! (*SWOON*)


          Cheque is in the mail......I think.....


            WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?! I've been worried sick you ice-hearted cad!!?!1!
            "I'm reluctant to sound like a total fa66ot as well, but my background in sculpture gave me an edge in understanding how we're expected to move thru space." - The Other Other Serge


              MrBadGuy, you are now my favorite poster on Bullshido.
              The fool thinks himself immortal,
              If he hold back from battle;
              But old age will grant him no truce,
              Even if spears spare him.


                Heroes of the East kicks ass.


                  Dude just write another Forever Fat chapter.... (btw I lol'd).

                  Question, Is Tequila or Gin better for drunken boxing?


                    Originally posted by David Koresh Jr. View Post
                    Dude just write another Forever Fat chapter.... (btw I lol'd).

                    Question, Is Tequila or Gin better for drunken boxing?
                    Fuck that lao wai shit. You need to baijiu to be a TRUE zuiquan master.
                    The fool thinks himself immortal,
                    If he hold back from battle;
                    But old age will grant him no truce,
                    Even if spears spare him.


                      I have found the same thing works for tripping fighting. I'm dropping L before my next match!
                      Last edited by Syphilis; 1/27/2010 11:59am, . Reason: grammar


                        As far as I can recall my drunken fighting skills are improving. I got into a drunken fight this weekend in my front yard. I don't remember who it was, but my if my mailbox is an indicator I must have won.

                        I do have some cuts across the back of my head/neck but I believe that's from where the toilet seat fell while I was ridding myself of excess alcohol. No use overtraining!

                        Anyway, I am still looking for a sake filled gourd that's the right shape. Any tips on where to find one?
                        "Never trust a quote you read on the internet" - Abraham Lincoln


                          tl;dr (too little time before bed) but just wanted to say: Late congratulations on your purple belt dude!
                          Curiosity killed the cat. But damn it had a blast.


                            Wow! This is great. I am not a drunken master right now because I don't have enough blood in my alcohol system. (hic!) Checks coming - or do you prefer paypal?


                              Originally posted by TheMightyMcClaw View Post
                              Fuck that lao wai shit. You need to baijiu to be a TRUE zuiquan master.
                              I just had some bai jiu last night. Strong stuff. That'll give you real drunken boxing.



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