Just how tough is Steven Seagal, really?

[Bluto Blutarsky]

steven segal is tough enough to watch his own movies AND a tape of his 4 hour one-man show about his own life SOBER.

thats right, no drinks, no weed, nothing- just him watching his own acting.

i woudl say that makes him the toughest around.

[Resonance10]

steven segal is tough enough to watch his own movies AND a tape of his 4 hour one-man show about his own life SOBER.

thats right, no drinks, no weed, nothing- just him watching his own acting.

i woudl say that makes him the toughest around.

While also no doubt playing with himself in a Tantric manner.

[Permalost]

While also no doubt playing with himself in a Tantric manner.

Seagal doesn't play with himself- that's what his unwilling young assistants/aspiring actresses are for.

[Resonance10]

Seagal doesn't play with himself- that's what his unwilling young assistants/aspiring actresses are for.

Unfortunately that is apparently the case, but by now word is out on him so just maybe we can hope he has only himself to play with..

[Larus marinus]

Unfortunately that is apparently the case, but by now word is out on him so just maybe we can hope he has only himself to play with..

Not gonna happen. Still plenty of women out there who think that the guy is some sort of manly man sexual tyrannosaurus (if the fan forums I've browsed are anything to go by).

[Resonance10]

Not gonna happen. Still plenty of women out there who think that the guy is some sort of manly man sexual tyrannosaurus (if the fan forums I've browsed are anything to go by).

Sad news indeed, mans like his jackets.

[Larus marinus]

Sad news indeed, mans like his jackets.

Dark and baggy?

[Resonance10]

Dark and baggy?

Lol hadn't thought of it that way, i was going with him acting like a reptile, which seems to be his later style in jackets perhaps its him subconsciously letting the world know..

[battheo]

Right, I finally got round to watching Justin Lee Collins vs Steven Seagal the other night. Disappointing, but I suppose it was always going to be. Later that same evening, a musician friend of mine asked me for my opinion on Steven Seagal via e mail, both as a guitarist and a martial artist (I am both, though I don't claim any particularly great skill in either). I posted my reply on FB for everyone to see.

As I remembered Larus asked if any musicians in the house could elucidate on Seagal's musical skill, I thought I'd copy and paste my answer here for you guys. I apologise that some of the facts following are re-hashed and common knowledge, but I was writing for non-martial artists with minimal 'Saegal-lore'. I also apologise for my spelling / grammar... I'm drunk:


"Steven Seagal playing the guitar sounds like an autistic korean 8 year old would sound if you gave him an electric guitar to hold and then recorded him having a bowel voidingly violent fit in a room full of musicians. Steven has somehow managed to build up enough technical skill to perform lead guitar techniques (such as hammering on, double tapping and running around a scale) while simultaneously failing to grasp basic concepts like 'timing' or 'playing in key'. It's genuinely breathtaking to behold.

In fact, Seagals bizzare mixture of decent technique and pant wettingly hilarious lack of contextual understanding is reminiscent of his martial arts 'expertise' as displayed in his movies. When Steve knocks out a clunky, out of place, guitar solo, completely unaware of what the actual MUSICIANS in his band are doing, it is the musical equivalent of him saying to you "Grab my wrist" and then putting you in a choke hold as you don't try to defend yourself. Stevens ability to play the guitar well is not unlike my ability to punch a pillow awesomely; technically decent, but useless in real life, and a little embarassing to watch.

His debut album 'Songs from the Anal Cave' is a strange compilation of 'music' that puts one in mind of erotic auto asphyixiation. You can't help but imagine him wobbling frantically, pleasuring himself selfishly in front of a mirror while his partner sits dejected on the bed; her only crime? Not being Steven Seagal. As he sobs uncontrollably after emmission, he obviously wonders: WHY DID IT HAVE TO END!? And it's all enacted to the audible horror that is 'Thunderbox', his band. Because, essentially, Steven's guitar playing is a form of musical masturbation; he has his technique down fine, but only he gets pleasure from it; the rest of us find it uncomfortable, and don't (for the most part) think it should be done in public.

The fact that Stevens strumming is reminiscent of a teenage boys... well, strumming, is most horrific, though, when you watch him play casually, away from stage. I saw 'Justin Lee Collins vs Steven Seagal' the other day; in it, Steven picks up an acoustic guitar and plays a few blues riffs, and he ACTUALLY SOUNDS OK! One can only conclude that 'Songs from the Anal Cave' is a horrific act of premeditated violence, either against music in general, or the blues particularly.

I will now address a question that I am sure is forming on many of your lips: "Theo, you love Blues guitar and martial arts, surely you're just jealous of Stevens skills!". I can promise you all that I am NOT jealous of Stevens abilities in either medium; I have never wanted to do either of those things badly. I will, however, compliment Steven on his ability to play fight on the telly, hammer out a riff like a teenager in his bedroom, beat Kelly LeBrock throughout their marriage, sexually assault numerous young women in his employ (he even tried it on with Jenny McArthy during a casting session) and believe that he is the reincarnation of a buddhist lama. That's enough fail for any one wasted lifetime, and I've not even mentioned dodgy energy drinks or the mafia!

As I close this brief review, I would like to address Steven personally. Steven, I'm sure that you're reading this thinking I hate you. Well, I don't hate you. I'm a man of peace and forgiveness; life is too short for hate. I don't think that peadophiles and murderers deserve hatred, but I think they're sick and need to be stopped. Well, Steven, like a peadophile, you're sexually abusing the defenseless spirit of blues guitar, and your movies are responsible for so much misunderstanding and butchery of the martial arts that my eyes demand an enema after every viewing. I don't hate you. Steven, but I think that you need to be stopped."

[Larus marinus]

His debut album 'Songs from the Anal Cave' is a strange compilation of 'music' that puts one in mind of erotic auto asphyixiation. You can't help but imagine him wobbling frantically, pleasuring himself selfishly in front of a mirror while his partner sits dejected on the bed; her only crime? Not being Steven Seagal. As he sobs uncontrollably after emmission, he obviously wonders: WHY DID IT HAVE TO END!? And it's all enacted to the audible horror that is 'Thunderbox', his band. Because, essentially, Steven's guitar playing is a form of musical masturbation; he has his technique down fine, but only he gets pleasure from it; the rest of us find it uncomfortable, and don't (for the most part) think it should be done in public.

This may amongst the top 10 greatest paragraphs ever written on a message board.

Bravo sir. Bravo (the rest was really funny too. FWIW).

[battheo]

Thank you. A friend of mine on FB summarised it thusly:

"Steven Seagal, your least favourite 'actor' raping your least favourite songs."

[hapkido_keith]

So I bit the bullet and watched a few Steven Seagal videos on youtube of him playing guitar. His playing isn't bad, it's just unremarkable.

Also, I'm like the worst judge of singing, but even I noticed how off-key he was in this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKjdOZ026Gg&NR=1

[Resonance10]

So I bit the bullet and watched a few Steven Seagal videos on youtube of him playing guitar. His playing isn't bad, it's just unremarkable.

Also, I'm like the worst judge of singing, but even I noticed how off-key he was in this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKjdOZ026Gg&NR=1

ouch.. i tapped out.

[The Deliverator]

Seagal is actually pretty funny in the movie "Machete" that came out this past summer. He plays a Mexican drug lord and is basically a caricature of his past movie characters.

Slightly off topic but related, Jean Claude Van Damme was also in a pretty good artsy French movie a year or two ago called "JCVD." In it JCVD plays himself as a washed up actor who gets caught up in a bank robbery - it's legitimately a good movie.

By most all accounts both of these guys are fairly egotisical jerks IRL, but it's pretty cool IMHO that they are both willing and able to caricature themselves in their recent movies.

[battheo]

Dude, I saw JCVD. It was alright. I didn't see that other shit, but I have to weigh in on your opinion there man, and say fuck that shit.

Of course Seagal can laugh at himself. he's a martial artist who can't fight, a musician who can't play music, a 'guru' with nothing to teach, and a philanthropist who's name appears nowhere (as a philanthropist, obviously). If he couldn't laugh at himself, he would've fucking
killed himself by now.