Ask Sensei Deedly.

[Virus]

Hi. Sensei Deedly here. You might remember me from some of my martial arts hip-hop tracks;

"My style's so deadly that it's a crime
and I've got more r33l than a fishing line."

While Virus is away playing Mario Kart Wii, I'll be using his account to provide my agony aunt services to bullshido members. If you've read my previous article you'd know that I've got more blackbelts than a kid's Taekwondo class, I've got blackbelts in styles I haven't even invented yet, and that's no joke. I've been around the block, walked up D34dly Street, took a left turn at L33thal Avenue and then settled down and bought an apartment on AIDS-Needles-Full-of-Molten-Lava Lane.

So ask anything you want about the martial arts and I'll answer. I have only one request though; arts like Wing Chun are a part of deeply held traditional and cultural beliefs. So I respectfully request that you refrain from referring to this style using names that may be considered sensible.

[Bustardo]

Sensai Deadly,
I have been looking to reach a state of physical and mental perfection which will result in my body being covered in a golden glow. What is the best way to achieve this, and how can I do it in under 2 years?

[Virus]

Dear Bustardo;

You can do it in under two minutes if you volunteer to star in certain videos. The pay isn't bad but it's not a very good springboard to co-starring in romantic comedies with Adam Sandler. I mean, you can't exactly turn up to a Hollywood audition and plonk down a video of you taking a mouthful of pee-pee and expect to get the part.

But let me tell you something, a long time ago I was desperately seeking someone who had the real _ing _un. I searched everywhere until I followed a little rumor and was led to little dojo in Chinatown. I turned up and in the corner was a guy who started practicing the siu nim tao. He started to glow in a brilliant white light, levitated a foot above the ground and sprouted a halo above his head. Something told me this guy might know something. So I approached him and asked him if he knew anyone who had the real _ing _un.

So there's your answer. Get the real _ing _un. The challenge; The real _ing _un is spelt in such a strange way that the word isn't even recognizable as "wing chun".

[3moose1]

Dear Sensei Deedly;

My girlfriend just dumped me for some new douchebag.

How can i d1m m4k him, and get her back?

[Virus]

Dear 3moose1.

If you want to get her back, you'll need to take jiujitsu.

[Marc Spector]

Dear Sensei Deedly,
My friends make fun of me for learning martial arts solely through Youtube videos without engaging in any actual training. What is the best pressure point to use to shut them up?

[MrBadGuy]

Dearest Sensei,

I want to use my Capoeira for the streets, and street related justice. The only problem is, I don't know any! All I know is this worthless boxing crap. There aren't any schools near me, and the internet is filled with lies. What should I do? WHAT SHOULD I DO?

[ChickenBeakFist]

Dear Sensei Deedly,

A friend of mine recently told me that the "Kumite" event in the movie Bloodsport never happened. But if that's true, why is there a movie about it?

[3moose1]

Dear sensei, another question...

Someone once told me ninjitsu wasn't an effective martial art!

I know that this isn't true, because its waht the ninjas learned...

what can i do to show them how effective it is, without getting the obligatory jail sentence from their quick and gruesome murder!

[Marc Spector]

Dear sensei, another question...

Someone once told me ninjitsu wasn't an effective martial art!

I know that this isn't true, because its waht the ninjas learned...

what can i do to show them how effective it is, without getting the obligatory jail sentence from their quick and gruesome murder!

Pff...real ninjas don't get caught. Amateur...

[3moose1]

Pff...real ninjas don't get caught. Amateur...

YOU IZ NOT SENSEI DEEDLY.

go away, plz.

[The Question]

Dear Sensei Deedly,

I don't mean to be playa hating or trying to throw salt in your game, but what the fuck is up with this ridiculous, hackneyed shit that's played out like my Xbox 360 since I got GTA4?

Seriously, motherfucker, come again. Do you think your audience are motherfucking ruminants that need to digest the same shit multiple times? Because it's just that good?

Go jump in a fucking barrel, set it on fire, roll it down a hill and smash it straight into Virus's nutriding, originality lacking, CD-on-repeat bitch ass. Motherfucker.

Sincerely,

Q.

[Virus]

Dear Sensei Deedly,
My friends make fun of me for learning martial arts solely through Youtube videos without engaging in any actual training. What is the best pressure point to use to shut them up?

D33r Spector;

There's nothing wrong at all with learning through videos, as long as they are my videos, and you pay me for them. My new DVD is an instructional video dedicated to putting the hurt on people who make fun of you for training through instructional videos.

[mrblackmagic]

Dear Sensei Deadly,

Is it true that if you hit a certain series of pressure points on a man's body it will cause his head to blow up? If yes, then how?

[Lily]

Dear Sensei Deedly,

1. Can girls master the Chun?

2. Why is The Douchebag Question calling the kettle black?

L