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Unintentional N00b Comedy

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    Unintentional N00b Comedy

    Most of you have probably already had this experience, but it was a new one for me. Please edify me with your frustrating n00b stories.


    There was a new guy at class last night. 25 years old, no previous MA experience, couldn't finish the warmup because he was going to puke, &c. We get to the Move of the Day (a nice little pin in 'surfboard'). New guy gets attached to my drilling partner (a mid-level blue) and myself. Dude de-rails the drill and asks us to "work on this spider guard move he just learned, something to use in the streets." WTF?

    We indulge him for a minute to see what the hell he has in mind. Guy has never sparred, but thinks he's going to immobilize an attacker with spider guard, then triangle him. Puts me in his guard, grabs my right sleeve, puts his foot against my left biceps, then says, "okay, try to punch me with your left hand." Smack! "Hm, let me try that again." Smack! The blue belt is trying not to laugh. "Okay, I'll just do the triangle." He moves to a something like closed guard and says, "how's that?" Smack!

    I boil over a little bit. "You try to pull this shit without at least a year's experience, you're going to get your head broken on the concrete. Just try to learn what's being taught." He turns to Blue, "what do you think?" Blue: "exactly what he said."

    Dude reluctantly agrees to do the lesson plan. Blue demonstrates the pin on me, I do the pin on the new guy but can't finish the move because he taps to the pressure as soon as I go to surfboard. ARGH!
    do, but take refuge in theory and talk

    Gotta' love that noob guy, jack.

    Just think, the best chance for that guy to be better ran down
    his momma's leg.


      I was a good nub in BJJ. I didn't try any rubber-guard shit in spite of the fact that it looked cool. I drilled some of the basics on my own time with my brother and my friends, and kept my mouth shut unless I had a legitimate question.


        This shit happens all the time. I was in class assisting the lower belts last week when we get this new guy. We are working a wrist lock and he isnt applying it properly before moving on to the next attack. I dont give in when he applys the lock because he is doing it improperly and he gets mad that I dont 'comply' .

        I show him that he is doing it improperly and let him know that at this school we dont just go through the motions. He needs to do it correctly and if I feal that its there I will comply with the lock. I show him how to put his thumbs properly on the knuckles. He does it again incorrectly and again, I dont comply and I can see he is lossing his cool. I tell him to be patient, do the move slowly and work on technique. I explain once you learn a proper wrist lock its like riding a bike, you will get it almost everytime afterword. Well apparently he gets so worked up that the next time he lands the lock perfectly and damn near breaks my wrist as he forces me to my knees.

        Now I have been 'that guy' before. We have all had issues with controll at some point, but this guy just pissed me off. I need my wrist to train. So I show him how its not only important to do moves properly but he needs to have better controll. As I show him a proper wrist lock, I follow it with a tight hammerlock and have this guy kissing the mat. I tell him without controll, I could 'accidently' break his arm. He winces as I apply the pressure, but of course, he dosnt tap. I am used to this and help him up, explaining the 'tap' technique as well.

        Come on guys. Is controll really that hard? Damn noobs.
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          we had a guy come in, only stayed less than a month, claiming 3rd Dan in TKD that didn't know how to do a rear kick.


            Control..... should be self control or temper control.


              We recently took over the program at another school. We have a few noobs there with "no-tap-itis". Yesterday I was rolling with one of them doing some sub grappling. I went to apply a choke and my instructor said, "With him I just want you to get in bad positions and escapes." So I release the choke to begin doing that. The guy, who's face is BRIGHT red looks at me (with a giant booger coming out of his nose) and says, "DID I TAP?!?!" He honestly didn't know. He must have went out for a second or something.

              Anyway we just switched to him trying to hold/sub me while I just worked escapes. That way I think we both got a lot more out of it.

              Another new guy always tries some spaz stuff where he tries to run into some bizzaro-headlock choke. I don't think it's worked on anyone. He locked it up on me when we were supposed to be sparring starting from half guard and he just stood up and RAN and grabbed my head. I grabbed his arm and he thought he'd be clever and fall with it. Since I had the arm it put almost no pressure on my head. His "choke/headlock" did however manage to put me in side control, where he tapped after 15 seconds to the weight.


                Similar spider guard story:

                I was about six months in, so I had a certain level of proficiency (not claiming mastery) and a nubcake started trying to get me in a spider guard. I let him set it up because I appreciate it when more experienced guys let me try something technical for a moment, but it was the seriously sloppiest spider guard ever. I just grabbed his pants leg and hit him with a toreana so hard he actually spun 180 degrees and rolled onto his side... *sigh* kids.


                  I've had my own n00b moments. I learned BJJ in the Army and wrestled in high school/junior high. I was made to roll with another raw n00b who had maybe three weeks more training than myself. After an unfortunate attempt at a sit-out and roll, I was put in a brilliant RNC and my partner got his hooks deep into my hips. I was fucked but I didn't give up. Spitting and swearing, I used my legs to propel myself in a circle three stooges style, all the while trying to pry the other guy's fingers free. It didn't work and went on for the better par of five minues, around and around. Finally, the guy let his hooks go, and I got my feet under myself and managed to stand up with him on my back. About halfway up, I put my hand on the back of his neck and tossed him with my hips (his feet were entirely off the ground at this point.)

                  I smashed him into the ground as hard as I could. I was exhausted. I was furious. I wanted to crack his fucking skull on the mat. As I became more aware of my surrounding, I realized that the whole class had stopped rolling and were watching the two of us, laughing their asses off.
                  Originally posted by Cullion
                  You sound like a foaming-at-the-mouth-loon out of Dr. Strangelove.
                  Sometimes, we put Ricin in the Cocaine. :ninja7:


                    One time in my first year of training, I refused to tap to a guillotine, thinking I could get out of it. The other guy was cranking like his life depended on it, and I passed out instead of tapping out like I should have.

                    My tap-fu was weak, but it is strong now, I tap faster and quicker than a fucking flamenco dancer.


                      I'm still a spastic noob... so here's some of my golden moments...

                      * Dangled off the arm of a purple belt for over a minute with a Duda locked in. Gassed out, fell off, got tapped. He was looking at me like I'd lost my mind the entire time. Didn't even hurt him.

                      * Wound up in a fucking Boston Crab rolling with the same purple belt. I yelled out for the instructor "TomwhatdoIdo?TomwhatdoIdo??!?" He looked over at us and goes.. "What the hell is that? A Boston Crab?"

                      * Got put into the shark tank with a professional mma fighter who had 40 pounds on me. Started with me mounting him. 5 seconds later I ended up on my back, north south, with my legs wrapped around his head until the instructor yanked me out and put in somebody with talent.

                      * Instructor had hurt his feet, so he was doing drills with me to take it easy. Simple stuff, half-guard passes. He was on his back. I promptly kneeled on his feet every few seconds for 3 minutes trying to pass his guard, mumbling apologies the entire time. I still feel bad about it.

                      * I taped over the last minute of a training partner's fight (team had 3 fights that night, and his was first). It was his first MMA fight. He won by knockout... and I accidently deleted it. I'm still anticipating the ass kicking.

                      * Got trapped in a crucifix up against a wall at a wierd angle. Had no traction, no escape, pretty screwed, but I was squrming out. Partner grabs my head and twists... followed by a horrendous sound of 7 or 8 very rapid pops. Everybody near us heard it and looked at me with that "HOLY SHIT!" look. I wiggled my head, went "I'm cool!" (my default response in bad positions) and immediately tried to squirm away again. He grabbed my head again and twisted. I tapped really fast.

                      * For my first 2 months, if I got you in half-guard, you weren't leaving it. You weren't getting swept either... or attacked.. but you weren't passing that half-guard. Sad part is, I didn't even realise I was stalling out. I thought I was doing okay.

                      * Sparring with a judo bb/bjj purple belt last week. Keep in mind, my stand up is somewhere between bad and terrible.... we were trading some combos, and I went.. ah what the hell I'll try it, faked the kick, and fired off the one and only superman punch I've ever thrown. He looked at me, laughed, yelled "SUPERBOY PUNCH!". Then he grabbed me and I was flying again. My ribs still hurt.


                        I was rolling with a BJJ blue belt, I was a judo yellow. It was open mat night at our judo club and a lot of guys from a local BJJ school would come roll with us. It was late in the night, and me and this fellow were the only ones on the mat (I later realized). The guy was talented and very flexible but light. He usually ended up submitting me when we rolled. This particular evening I was doing my best to just get the fuck up whenever we went to the ground, since we were more evenly matched there and I was tired. He was trying very hard to keep me from doing so. I managed to shrimp out of something and start standing up, and as he came lunging at me I grabbed both lapels and lifted and pushed and tossed him into the air and onto his ass. It was brilliant. Everyone laughed, but he was a very good sport. He probably proceeded to submit me, I can't remember.


                          When I was new, I tried to flying knee my sparring partner. He stepped to the side, caught me in midair and kneed me in the kidneys.


                            I blame Ong Bak.


                              For my first 2 months, if I got you in half-guard, you weren't leaving it. You weren't getting swept either... or attacked.. but you weren't passing that half-guard. Sad part is, I didn't even realise I was stalling out. I thought I was doing okay.
                              Ah, I've been there myself. For nearly six months I would just lock the leg up, grab my opponent and hold on for dear life. It didn't seem to enter my head that simply stalling enough to not get completely fucked over was not the same as actually improving.
                              Dedicated to legs and the disrespecting thereof.



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