Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Martial Arts Styles and Technical Support

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    #31
    This is an awesome thread
    Knowing is not enough, you must apply...
    ...Willing is not enough you must do
    ~Bruce Lee

    Comment


      #32
      Agreed. I wish I could have given many more green varrots to Virus.

      Comment


        #33
        I accept virtual varrots.

        Comment


          #34
          Tech Support: Hi Bas Rutten products, how may I help?

          User: Man, I hate this Bas Rutten's Lethal Streetfighting dvd... I want my money back.

          Tech Support: Holy. Shit. I mean, really, sir? Have you read the small print?

          User: dude, quit stallin'

          Tech Support: I'll draw your attention to the line that says "All refunds are handled personally by Mr Rutten, and are in accordance with ancient Dutch trial by combat laws."

          User: oh... so... how much do you think I'll get for it on eBay?
          Where there is only a choice between cowardice and violence, I would advise violence.

          Gandhi

          Comment


            #35
            Originally posted by KempoFist
            This is an awesome thread

            I'm always glad to make people smile.

            Comment


              #36
              Hello Karate tech support this is Steve.

              Yeah, I joined up at this karate club and it was advertised as being a real fighting dojo. It's slogan was "Keeping it t3h r34l in the hizzle diggidy yo fo shizzle westside 4 life."

              Where is the dojo located sir?

              Sydney, on the North Shore.

              I see. And what is your problem sir?

              Well we do 45 minutes of kata then we spar for 15 minutes and we don't actually use anything in the kata. I don't see why we still have it.

              I see.

              It's like, we do these circular blocks and chamberd punches from a horse stance but I've never seen anyone do that in sparring.

              I understand sir, this is a common complaint. You see, those kata are not meant to be combat technqiues, they are concepts.

              Concepts? What does that mean?

              Hmmmdmddn.

              Sorry? I didn't get that.

              hmmmmdgghhll.

              Is that even a real word?

              Sorry. Next question.

              err. ok. Well I've got all these old karate books and they don't say anything about concepts.

              We only discoverd they were concepts in 1993 sir.

              Oh. You mean 1993 excatly?

              Yes sir. 1993 on the dot.

              Yes sir. I don't know if you heard about the UFC but it really showed us what's a concept and what isn't.

              Ok, well then how do I know what's a concept and what isn't?

              If you use it in sparring it's a real techqniue. If you can't it's a concept.

              Oh. couldn't the person who made up the kata just have been wrong?

              No sir. People who invent martial arts are never wrong.

              I wasn't aware of that.

              Do you really think some idiot would just invent a bunch of stupid technqiues that don't work and call it a martial art?

              Yeah. hehe. It does sound kind of silly when you put it like that.

              That's right.

              Well thanks for your help. I'm going out the backyard to work on my concepts.

              That's good to hear sir. A concept a day keeps the grapple away.

              Thanks bye.

              Bye.
              Last edited by Virus; 2/07/2007 7:52pm, .

              Comment


                #37
                Bujinkan tech support this is Jeff.

                Hi. I'ts me again how's Jeff?

                Jeff is doing well, thanks for asking.

                I'm glad to hear your brother is well.

                I wasn't talking about my brother, I was referring to myself in the third person.

                You...you do that often?

                No, just when people ask me about my brother.

                Yeeeahhh. That's really weird.

                With respect sir, you're calling a bujinkan technical support hotline. Is there anything about this situation that isn't wierd?

                Good point.

                I thought you would see it so. Tell me about your problem.

                Well now I'm just wondering why there's no bujinkan in mixed martial arts?

                Why should there be? We are a battlefield street system for survival not a sport.

                Yeah but some guys have been talking and they say that things that work well in the ring tend to also work well in a real fight.

                But those people don't do bujinkan. You aren't supposed to listen to them. We are above such concepts as "getting submissions" and "winning fights".

                Oh yeah I forgot.

                Good lad.

                But how about just a little sparring just to..

                Too deadly.

                But just for..

                Too deadly.

                But I just think...

                Toooo deadly!

                Ok point taken.

                We are masters of time and space. We control the kukan. We are in tune with the natural order of things. This is the way of the ninja. We cann't concern ourselves with such mundane knowlege as "do wristlocks really work?" and "why do we go limp after a lunge punch?"

                Ok.

                Ok.

                Ok.

                ooooo..kkkkk.

                Thanks for calling tech support. If you have any further queries please quote this reference number: l0l-t3h-n1nj3r

                OK got that l0l-t3h-n1nj3r

                Good, remeber that.

                Oh, one last thing, why do we wear black gis?

                Becuase black absorbs and white reflects.

                What does that have to do with the question?

                <click>
                Last edited by Virus; 2/08/2007 8:29pm, .

                Comment


                  #38
                  XMA Tech Support:

                  XMA Tech; How can I help you?

                  Trevor; My name is Trevor and I wanted to learn a martial art so I could be cool and quit getting my ass kicked

                  XMA; Hows that working out for you?

                  T; not well

                  XMA; Did you purchase the awesomely cool XMA brand jumpsuit?

                  T; Yes, but the bullies say its gayer than my argyle sweaters

                  XMA; Did you brandish your competition bo staff?

                  T; They laughed at it.

                  XMA; How about the numchucks or kamas? Those must have slowed them down.

                  T; Oh yeah, I even turned on the flashing light function. They rolled on the ground laughing for 5 minutes.

                  XMA; Then your only recourse is to use your best MA techniques on them.

                  T; I Let them have it, I did a double back cartwheel into a jumping spin kick followed by a flurry of punches and spinning backfists. They beat my ass, tore the patches off my jumpsuit and stepped on all my weapons and broke them.

                  XMA; I thought you learned a martial art.

                  T; I did. I spent 3 years doing XMA.

                  XMA; There's your problem. XMA isn't for fighting, it's strictly a LARPing art.
                  We'll send you out a brochure of real Martial arts. I personally recommend BJJ.

                  T; will the real MA's keep me from getting beat up?

                  XMA; Only if you quit wearing the jumpsuit. Have a nice day
                  If you can't laugh at yourself,
                  Others will be happy to do it for you. :evil6:

                  The 2 most abundant elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.


                  Comment


                    #39
                    I suggest we harness Virus' talent and lock him in a little room with access to only two things: a typewriter and ample nutrition.

                    Comment


                      #40
                      MAP Tech Support:

                      Caller: Hello? I have a question about one of the regulations.

                      We're sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialed. Your account has been terminated.

                      --J.D.
                      Why yes, I still have sand in my vagina! It is because I am a lying cowardly child who got buttfucked by MEANIE Doctor X! I also do not know the Latin and it makes me cry!!--Phrost

                      Comment


                        #41
                        Bullshido tech support.

                        Yeah I'm having trouble with the..

                        SEARCH FUNCTION NOOB!

                        <click>

                        Comment


                          #42
                          RBSD TS: Hi you're through to the reality-based self-defence helpline, how can I help you?

                          USER: yeah, Hi, I'm... considering cancelling my membership to Larpsys Defence...

                          RBSD TS: Sir, sir... are you using a corded phone? Because, you know, it could become wrapped around your throat and garrote you.

                          USER: Whafu? No, it's a cordless... listen I...

                          RBSD TS: A cordless sir? Does it have an aerial, an antenna? You could accidentally drive the aerial/antenna into your eye and then your brain, sir.

                          USER: What? No, I'm not going to do that. Besides, it's a cellphone and it doesn't have a...

                          RBSD TS: Cellphone? OMG!!! Radiation... Sir, you could die! Frying your brains... quick sir, get some foil to wrap around your head... but not the aluminium kind... that will give you metal cooties.

                          USER: Man, seriously, I bought the lowest emitting phone, and you're on hands free so it isn't even near my head, okay? now, can I please cancel my membership?

                          RBSD TS: Certainly sir, I just have to fill in some details for my call log... Name?

                          USER: Chris Analfissure

                          RBSD TS: and is your door locked, double locked, barricaded or other?

                          USER: What? Dude, are you high right now?

                          RBSD TS: No sir, here at Larpsys RBSD, we take your safety seriously... if we were to be talking to you and your home was invaded, we would be remiss in our duty.

                          USER: Sure, but that's not going to happen, is it?

                          RBSD TS: Sir, you realise home invasion is up 98% don't you? Robbery 92%, rape 89%, violent assault 90%, random inappropriate touching 88%, wanton production of imaginary statistics up 97.63%, dogs and cats, living together... yes, sir... it could happen...

                          USER: Holy shit, you're scaring me, hang on, I'm going to check my door, I'll be back in a second to renew my membership

                          RBSD TS: KERRRCHING!!! <*rubbing hands*>

                          USER: What was that?

                          RBSD TS: Probably someone cocking an automatic assault weapon sir... hurry back with that credit card...
                          Where there is only a choice between cowardice and violence, I would advise violence.

                          Gandhi

                          Comment


                            #43
                            Kung fu tech support: hi, I was involved in a real fight the other day, and I couldn't help noticing that none of your techniques seemed to work.

                            Uh-huh...were you using the techniques on an actual person?

                            Yeah....

                            Well. there's your problem. See, kung fu techniques are only designed to work on padded targets...they're just not compatible with real people

                            But isn't the purpose of martial arts to defend yourself from real people?

                            Oh no, that's a common misconception. Kung fu is the type of martial arts that just involves punching and kicking padded targets.

                            So, you're admitting that kung fu is worthless?

                            SHUT UP! Our founder, Sifu John Cheng studied for 11 years under Sifu Luo Guangyu!

                            Doesn't seem like he learned much...

                            I said shut up! 11 years! He didn't just wake up one morning and throw something together and call it kung fu!

                            That's what it looks like...

                            Um...no speak English. Must go now.
                            Last edited by theeveryman; 2/12/2007 9:20pm, .

                            Comment


                              #44
                              Wrestling Tech Support: How may I help you?

                              Customer: Yes, my computer is running really slow, even though I have a really fast processor.

                              Wrestling Tech Support: The processor speed listed on the box isn't the actual processing
                              speed. The computer is actually much slower than that, it just competes in that processing class.

                              Customer: Oh...that's pretty lame. What can I do?

                              WTS: Have you tried wrapping it in a garbage bag and making it run in place?
                              "Emevas,
                              You're a scrapper, I like that."-Ronin69

                              Comment


                                #45
                                ring, ring, ring

                                Drunken Boxing Tech: "Drunk Dodgers 'R' Us, how can I help you?"

                                Caller: "Um, I forget why I called you guys..." *hic*

                                DBT: "Well, let me remind you that there is a $9.99 connection fee per call. You'd best remember that next time you call. Have a nice evening." *sounds of snickers and high fives in the back ground*

                                ring, ring, ring

                                DBT: "Drunk Dodgers 'R' Us, how can I help you?"

                                Caller: "Um, I forget why I called you guys..." *hic*

                                DBT: "Well, let me remind you that there is a $9.99 connection fee per call. You'd best remember that next time you call. Have a nice evening." *sounds of snickers and high fives in the back ground*

                                ring, ring, ring

                                DBT: "Drunk Dodgers 'R' Us, how can I help you?"

                                Caller: "Um, I forget why I called you guys..." *hic*

                                DBT: "Well, let me remind you that there is a $9.99 connection fee per call. You'd best remember that next time you call. Have a nice evening." *sounds of snickers and high fives in the back ground*

                                ring, ring, ring

                                DBT: "Drunk Dodgers 'R' Us, how can I help you?"

                                Caller: "Um, I forget why I called you guys..." *hic*

                                DBT: "Well, let me remind you that there is a $9.99 connection fee per call. You'd best remember that next time you call. Have a nice evening." *sounds of snickers and high fives in the back ground*

                                ring, ring, ring

                                DBT: "Drunk Dodgers 'R' Us, how can I help you?"

                                Caller: "Um, I forget why I called you guys..." *hic*

                                DBT: "Well, let me remind you that there is a $9.99 connection fee per call. You'd best remember that next time you call. Have a nice evening." *sounds of snickers and high fives in the back ground*

                                Ect, etc, etc.

                                Comment

                                Collapse

                                Edit this module to specify a template to display.

                                Working...
                                X