Martial Arts Styles and Technical Support

[Doctor X]

Hey!

Dim Mak Tech Support: Our software has worked for thousands of users the world over, in many public demonstrations. Your computer may have its power cord lying on its ethernet cable. That voids the warrenty.

Tai Chi Tech Support: Have you tried waving your hands really slowly in front of the screen?

Fang Shen Do Tech Support:

Caller: I purchased t3h D34dly S3kr3tz for t3h Str33tz, volumes 1-3, but all I got was a box filled with dog shit.

Support: And?

Coda Scott Tech Support: I love Jesus.

John LaTourrette Tech Support: Have you tried hitting the esc key REALLY FAST!!

--J.D.

[bishops finger]

konigun tech support: clueless; hey my comp doent seem to work
konigun: im afraid you cant say that sort of thing sir.
clueless: wha?
konigun: you will be hearing from our grand masters lawer within the week sir
clueless: hey it works it works!
konigun:we am to please, (click)
..

[bishops finger]

double post

[Doctor X]

BJJ Tech Support: No Sir. No Sir. It's only gay if you . . . oh you made eye contact. . . .

--J.D.

[plasma]

The computer tells me I have a crush on Virus, err Virus will you have my man-babies....

Bujinkan Tech Support

TS: Bujinkan Tech Support, How can I help you?

C: Well, I've been in the BJK for 5 years and just passed my 5th dan test and I am afraid my techniques don't work.

C: I tried sparring with ...

TS: STOP! you are too deadly to spar. Do, you want your sparring parnter to die?

C: Well no. But he didn't die, instead he mounted me then poked me in the face repeatively laughing

TS: Well you must of been holding back.

C: I was really trying!

TS: If he is not dead, then you weren't.

C: But...

TS: DON'T QUESTION THE ART. HATSUMI KILLED 50 MEN WITH NOTHING BUT HIS KILLING ENGERY, DO YOU WANT HIM TO KILL YOU WITH ONLY A THOUGHT!

TS: I'm sorry I didn't mean to yell. You just don't get it yet, let me take away that 5th dan.

C: No!!!! I travel to Japan for this, I get the art, I get it now.

TS: Good.

*click*

[MSphinx]

TS: Hello, welcome to TKD point sparring tech support.

C: Hi, my computer won't start.

TS: Have you tried kicking it?

C: Yes, repeatedly with my tappy roundhouse, but it doesn't seem to have any effect.

TS: Looks damn cool though, huh?

*click*

[Kintanon]

Wrestling Tech Support:
Customer - Hello, my computer's making a lot of noise...
Support - Have you checked the oil? Make sure you check the oil.

[Virus]

Kungfu tech support man boasts about his C64 to a friend:

The C64 can render 3d graphics, run Quake 4 and use Windows Vista.

No it can't.

<Pushes C64 to the side and switches on PC>

Hey, that's not a C64!

Yes it is.

No it's not!

It is!

I just saw you use a PC just then!

The original C64s were like PCs. This is a modern C64 which has integrated some aspects of PCs.

But I can still see your old C64 over there and you aren't using it.

I use the C64 for concepts.

[isol8d]

Gatka Tech Support Rep: Thank you for calling Dell (or Microsoft, or Amex, or just about anyone these days) my name is Bob Jones, how may I help you?

[Epicurus]

First and Foremost:

Virus is SO awesome.

moving on;

Paladin Press Tech Support:

Caller: Yeah, I just read your book about how Karate and Kung Fu are the most deadly and powerful operating systems when used for running applications, and how the author ran hundreds of applications, often several at once, on the "mean streets" fighting Yakuza and gangsters and throwing ninja stars at viruses, but I noticed that he never gives the names of the programs he ran, and tends to just talk about awesome he is at coding.

TS: What's the problem here? The author and the ten people he keeps name-dropping during the book are probably some of the greatest coders ever, except a bunch of old Japanese men.

C: Well, when I try to use karate and Kung fu I just get my ass handed to me...

TS: In sparring?

C: Well, yeah.

TS: Did you try it when three or four people were mugging you while you were resucing a prostitute from a bear?

C: ...no.

TS: Well, there you go. Sparring is bad habits. Some people even wear gloves! have you ever been attacked by someone with boxing gloves on in the street?

C: I've never been attacked by anyone in the streets.

TS: There's your problem. The only way to become a good fighter is to work on Kata and use a lot of Japanese words for techniques while throwing them into the air, then get into a dozen streetfights, win them all with the same techniques, and then write a book about it but don't give any evidence to confirm your having fought. If you want to really be cutting edge, you can talk about how you sometimes would "work the heavy bag" or how you cross-trained (briefly) in Judo or Boxing (long enough to see that while they might have some superficial advantages, they were not for the street). Then have us publish your book of stories and we both make big bucks!

C: ... I think I understand now...

TS: No problem! And while I've got you on the line, have I discussed with you our new Ashida Kim books?

[Ajax]

TS: Tang Soo Do tech support.

Caller: Hi I think you accidently sent me the TKD version. It looks and sounds like TKD

TS: dose it work?

C: I think so - yeah, kind-of.

TS: Hmm, this is tough. Do you punch to the head?

C yeah.

TS: do you wear pussy-ass chesy gear?

C: no.

TS: then its the TSD version.

C: Well, I'm still not sure.... maybe its the Shotokan version?

TS: uh? this is tricky. Lets try this; are your motions straight, or curcular?

C: circular.

TS: do you have to send money to your federation? If not, have you been threatened with a copyright suit?

C: Yeah! how'd you know?

TS: Do you know the applications of your forms?

C: No, Is that important?

TS: not really, You have the TSD version for sure.

[Ajax]

TS: Hapkido Tech support, how can I help you?

Caller: I don't know if this is the right program for me, I'd like to send it back.

TS: First off, the Hapkido program uses over 60,000 techniques, if you can't make one of them work, your an idiot. Secondly I see here on my screen you signed the "5 yr. instructors' training program" this is a legaly binding contract. I'm sorry you can't send it back.

Caller: I hate you.

TS: that's ok, you don't have to see us agian, just keep making your $150 monthly payment, and everyone will be happy *click*

[roly]

judo tech support: hello
user: hi, i have your instruction manual, but its only got diagrams of turtles
JTS: yes that is correct
user:.... but isnt judo more about throws and chokes and armbars?
JTS: no no no, you are thinking JUDO 101, the new modern competition judo program is all about the turtle

[Epicurus]

TMA tech support:

C: Yeah, I'm fighting my buddy here who does kickboxing and he keeps running the same five programs over and over and kicking my ass. Do I have those five programs?

TS: yes, well, you have the beta versions of the those programs.

C: They're not as good.

TS: No, they're better because these worked for famous programmers from history. It's up to you to try to emulate at least a tiny fraction of their superhuman ability.

C: Yeah, well, even when I DO run those programs, like "jab.exe" or "round_kick.exe" they run slow as hell and aren't very reliable.

TS: Well, it's to be expected, since your programming package comes with 10,000 applications and the processor time is shared between all of them roughly equally.

C: But I only ever end up using the same five or six!

TS: Knowing all of them gives you a big advantage in the long run, and especially if you ever have to prevent a professional hacker from stealing your info.

C: If I can't outperform my buddy running kickboxing I don't think I can stop a real hacker...

TS: TMA were orinigally coded thousands of years ago to stop hackers and promote joint mobility and get money from moms. They haven't changed since. Therefore they work fine now - better than all those stupid and above all western and modern SPORT-based programs. Those have zero old chinese men, zero training pajamas, zero mandatory bowing or counting in foreign languages - they're obviously crap.

C: So who wrote my programs inthe first place anyway?

TS: ooooh.... you'd better get yourself a chair and some snacks, this will take a while...

[sochin101]

Systema Tech Support: Hello, you are through to the support line for the Systema, I am Vlad, how may I help you, yes?

Confused Systema dude: Uhh, hi, I've been doing Systema for about 2 years, and I got a bit loud at a bar, and a bouncer went to throw me out, and I tried to resist, but he came in at like, full speed and threw me out. I'm confused. I should have been able to take him, right?

Systema Tech Support: Uhhh, this is a common problems with the Systema sometimes... tell me, were you wearing your camo trousers and t-shirt?

Confused Systema dude: uh, no, we were out for a meal and a drink and I.. uh... wait... that must be it, right? The clothes, not the fact I've been training in a flawed system...

Systema Tech Support: Exactly, friend. Have yourself a good day.


One week later:
Systema Tech Support: Hello, you are through to the support line for the Systema, I am Vlad, how may I help you, yes?

Confused Systema dude: Uhh, hi, I called last week, and I got my ass kicked and you advised that it was because I wasn't wearing my camo pants?

Systema Tech Support: Uhhh, yes, I am remembering.

Confused Systema dude: well, it happened again, and this time I didn't even get into the bar, a different bouncer stopped me from going in because I was wearing camo trousers and my "Systema guys do it slowly" t-shirt... what gives?

Systema Tech Support: Friend, was the bouncer also wearing camo trousers?