A PARODY: Diary of a Tukong Master

[OnceLost]

Diary of a Tukong Master


Diary,

Was Napoleon a 6th Dan in Combat Tukong?
No, he was just a short Italian guy with a good army.
Did Elvis diagnose a brain infection over the telephone?
No, he was too busy posing for velvet paintings. Homo.
How many prostitutes did Captain America save using his throwing stars?

Could Einstein use his ki to control other people?
Nope. After he invented electricity, he pretty much dried up.

A parent called me and asked me to find her 16 year old daughter who she had not seen in a week. I talked with a few of her friends and did some scouting and found her turning tricks on a street in East Austin. I picked her up and told her I was talking her home. She wanted to go by an apartment and get her clothes from the guy that had roped her into doing this.

We went to the apartment and the guy thought I was just another "John" so he let me in and there was an older man running the operation sitting on the bed on the phone. I did not follow the girl into the room and the young guy said I could go on in. I told him she was here to get her clothes and that we were leaving and she was not coming back. The older man heard this and started threatening me while still on the phone and the young guy slinked off to the corner.

I had both stars in my hands when I walked in but you can't see them until I make a fists. I don't like guns. The girl came out of the room with her stuff and the older man knew what was going on. I was going to take one of his best cash cows off the street and way from him.

He started to reach into the drawer by the bed and I put one star right past his face and buried it into the headboard next to his head and he froze. I told the girl to get me the gun.. She walked over the drawer and opened it and there was a gun inside. She got it and gave it to me. I told her to get her stuff and put it into the car.

The older man started to talk and I cocked the gun. He shut up and I walked over and took the star out of the headboard and walked over to the door. I told him that the next time he talks I put a star through his head. He said nothing. I un-cocked the gun and emptied the cylinder of bullets onto the floor. I said you get this back when we leave.

We sat there in silence as she got the rest of her stuff and walked out of the room to the car. I looked at both of them and said, "I never want to you see you near hear again or you will die. And you never want to see me again." I tossed the young guy the empty gun and walked out and closed the door. I ran like a track star for the car and drove off.

Just as we get out of the parking lot, she say, wait I forgot a pair of shoes under the bed. As if I was going back there now. I told her she could buy herself new shoes and drove her home to her mother. They had a teary reunion and the mom thanked me profusely.

- Jiggy Himmins


http://www.bullshido.net/forums/showthread.php?t=28771

[Axelton]

this better be as good as BJJ and Nija and samurai teens!

[OnceLost]

That's a tough comparison! I'm hoping to tie in some actual claims in every story...we'll see.

[Backdraft]

We'll see indeed. Did make me chuckle, so hope is not lost. ;)

[Epicurus]

What the hell is Tukong?

Based on this story it sounds like what I used to pretend to do when I was twelve, except with a lot less prostitution in this version.

[OnceLost]

Check http://www.bullshido.net/forums/showthread.php?t=28771. I'm not sure why that didn't link in the first post.
There is another thread about Tukong at http://www.bullshido.net/forums/showthread.php?t=23262

You can form your own opinions, I'm sure.

EDIT - fixed link.

[Epicurus]

Check http://www.bullshido.net/forums/showthread.php?t=28771. I'm not sure why that didn't link in the first post.
There is another thread about Tukong at http://www.bullshido.net/forums/showthread.php?t=23262

You can form your own opinions, I'm sure.

EDIT - fixed link.

Gracias.

[OnceLost]

Oh, my pleasure.

[Sam Browning]

This is funny!

[OnceLost]

Thank you, SB!

[Epicurus]

All right, I just read through those two threads you linked to Oncelost...

Words fail me.

This Jimmy Higgins character is a real piece of work. Reading those threads were an insight into human psychology. I mean, does Jimmy believe that his stories are actually true? Or does he know, in his private mind, that the stories are fabrications for publicity purposes and he's trying to get someone here to acknowledge them?

Here's the quote that decided the issue for me:

I said hello to her and to Sebastian who did not respond, but I kept talking to him and I checked his Ki patterns and energy flows. His mother was asking what I was doing and to explain, but there was no way to explain something she did not have the background or understanding of. I told her I was just checking his vitals. Then I went to the end of his bed, uncovered his right foot, and hit a few pressure points and his eyes opened. She was standing by his bed the whole time.

I said, "Good Morning sunshine," and teased him as I hit more pressure points and started my Ki breathing. He mumbled a barely intelligible, "oalo ir." (Hello Sir.) He knew who I was. I told him to tell me when he feels is his heart. His mother wanted to know what I was going to do as I started pushing Ki energy up his right leg and repeated to him to tell me when he feels his heart. He mumbles, his leg was tingling and even his mother understood his words. She said and the backs of my knees are tingling too! What are you doing? I told her to let go of his hand and that she should not touch him while I did this. She did and just watched as I continued to do Ki Breathing and pushing more and more energy through his body.

Jimmy Higgins is a certified delusional. Probably something similar to Oncelost's interpretation of his pimp story happened to him and it was eating him up inside not to be able to tell people about it, hence he posts it. He seems like the kind of person who is not good at admitting a mistake or 'backing down' from something, so he defends his preposterous claims and refuses to give anything more than vague evidence.

I also loved how he refused to post a YouTube video of himself hitting a heavy bag full force because he "didn't like to teach people he didn't know how to injure people" ;)

I also love how he seemed to be just coiled and ready when someone questioned his story to respond with 'why is it that if someone can't do something they are so quick to claim it's impossible?' - I bet he's had to whip that one out A LOT over the years.

I also love how he called people's requests for the slightest shred of proof of his admittedly extraordinary and far-flung stories as "moronic, knee-jerk responses" and how apparently people on some other forum or something think that it's stupid to ask someone to back up a tall tale like that with something verifiable.

The real clincher in these is that he gives as much information as possible except information which would allow someone to actually verify any of it. Clearly Jimmy is a skilled salesman and has mastered the telling of his little stories with as few consequences as possible. Sadly, these stories are not apt to convince anyone who isn't looking to be fooled, but A+ for effort, Mr. Higgins.

EDIT: Another good moment was when he posted a swarm of strident replies and denials to various people (all in different hot colours!) and then posted another one below it in big text "It's just too easy to push you people's buttons!" - Um, Jimmy, the only two responses to someone like you are to ingore them utterly and wait for them to die (which I'm sure is a popular choice) or to make every effort to require them to prove that they really have done these fantastic things they write about on the internet. This is not complicated. The idea that you win some sort of moral victory by getting a bunch of people to accuse you of lying when you tell a lie is... interesting, at best.

I mean, calling out bluffers is the purpose of this website...


IN CONCLUSION:

Please regale us with more, OnceLost!

[OnceLost]

hey, Hey, HEY!! You're ruining the diary with those previews!!

<sits down and starts to cry>

Wait, you want more? You like me. You REALLY like me!

I just love how he managed to use the different colors when posting...maybe he was transfering his ki via the internet...

Oh, and this thread is for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to delusional ninja wanna-be's is about as coincidental as contracting herpes after consuming alcohol.

[Epicurus]

hey, Hey, HEY!! You're ruining the diary with those previews!!

<sits down and starts to cry>

Wait, you want more? You like me. You REALLY like me!

I just love how he managed to use the different colors when posting...maybe he was transfering his ki via the internet...

Oh, and this thread is for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to delusional ninja wanna-be's is about as coincidental as contracting herpes after consuming alcohol.

Sorry about that, I didn't even consider the spoilers.

I can just see the entry:

"Dear diary - today some rednecks on the internet refused to believe purely on my word my story about the pimp! they even had the nerve to ask me to show a VIDEO of MYSELF for FREE on the INTERNET of me performing and advanced injury-delivering system such as hitting a heavy bag! Sadly, I haven't been hitting the gym much lately and my acne is pretty bad these days, so I'm going to have to make up an excuse (doublethink) they're not worthy!"

[OnceLost]

Goddammit, you're KILLING me, Epicurus!! I'm going to go cry in my corner now (and try to think of something funnier than that, 'cause it was pretty good!)...

[Backdraft]

Come on now, meditate, focus your Chi, and sweep the leg.
Seriously, give us some more, I like it.