OK, compiled Teen Ninja Shinkengata's awesomeness. Please post updates to Shinkengata's awesome story here (ie copy and paste), but no comments please!
Shinkengata, hope you don't mind me putting it all together.
Day 1:
Dear Diary,
I was walking home from school today with Vampirefr34k and D1abl0 and we saw this hella s1ck poster advertising Ninjitsu classes. It said we could learn to be Ninjas, which is hecka cool. I copied the number from the poster down into my cellphone with the HIM logo on it and walked home. Mom got p1$$ed when i asked her if i could join. She said something about me being gay enough as it is. I called her a bitch (under my breath, of course). I swear my parents just don't understand me.
A little background 1nfo for you, diary: My dad tried to put me in football when i was in 8th grade, but i quite after a week when i got hit too hard and peed in my jockstrap. It was the worst day of my life. After that i changed my image and became a total badass. I started wearing all black and painted my nails. I would sometimes put white base makeup on, but had to stop when my mom caught me using hers. Anyway, the kids at school were totally freaked out by me, and left me alone. Even today i like to sit in class with my Slipknot hoodie on and listen to my walkman, and nobody messes with me. I'm just too dark and 3vil for these mere mortals. haha!! Anyway....
Im gonna go eat dinner and then talk to my internet girlfriend from the Phillipines for awhile and hit the coffin (bed! lolz). later Diary.
Day 4
Dear Diary,
I've done it. After much pleading with mom, she finally let me start training to be a real Ninja!! It's totally badass too. I was learning some stuff im kinda scared to talk about even with you, Diary. Sensei says its like, super top secret stuff str8 from the scrolls. I was learning how to kill people by hitting a point on their arm that will make them crap out their heart 2 days after being hit. Plus we got to throw stars, and we trained in how to use the Ninja sword. Sensei has the exact one i almost talked my dad into buying for me at the flea market last year. Of course dad said he wasn't paying $50 for something i would just use to carve up the neighbor's cat. Yeah right, dad. I'm part tiger anyway. That's what my mentor on the Vampire online game says. So why would i kill my own species?
Newayz, im gonna go watch American Ninja 4 that Sensei let me borrow. See ya l8trz, diary.
Day 10
Dear diary,
I caught my older sister Jamie making out with some guy in his car last night. I snuck up on them just like sensei trained me. I made a mask out of pieces of my old black Korn t-shirt that i don't like anymore. When i popped up beside the window they both screamed. It was hella sweet. He got out and said he was gonna kick my ass and i hit him right on the spot sensei showed me, so he should be crapping out his heart any day now. He might have given me a black eye, but im gonna be the 1 laughing tommorrow. That's all for today. I can't wait for class tommorrow!! We're gonna be studying shadow transferring.
P.S... I forgot..i cant go to class becuz Jamie told on me and im grounded for a week.
Day 20
Dear Diary,
Class was killer!!! We learned how to defend ourselfs against getting put on the ground, which is rilly useful becuz i see a lot of guys fight at school and one of them almost always tackles the other one to the ground and wins. Sensei says also that cage fighters do that stuff, but that we don't compete there becuz all of them are too skeered of us and won't let us in because of our deadly strikes and stuff. Maybe i should go in and just tell them that i do regular karate. haha!! I'd kick all there asses. Its not a half bad idea, either. Top prize is always a lot of money and im getting my drivers license soon, so i need to be getting a car. Mom's Corolla is just embarassing.
PS.. Jamie's boyfriend is still alive, so i might need a little more practice on hitting that pressure point. He's a total @sshole.
Day 35
Dear diary,
I got in my first real fight today. It was totally sweet. He started talking trash about my nail polish. I told him that his feeble mind was too weak to comprehend the symbolism behind it, and he called me an emo fagg. I felt all the power of all the Ninja grandmasters through the years swell up in me as i kicked him over in his wheelchair.
I can't wait 'til class tommorrow so i can tell Sensei that i've tested my skills. After he hears of it, i wouldnt be surprised if he teaches me the water kata thats supposed to build up your chi so you can walk over water. That would be good...because im tired of stepping in piss puddles that our dog leaves in the hallway.
Newayz...mIRC is calling, see ya diary!!
Day 36
Dear Diary,
I got suspended for kicking that guy's ass at school, so im sitting here at home. It's all good tho, cuz D1abl0 is coming over and we're gonna watch the newest Anime porno he downloaded off the net. This one is supposed to have Sailor Moon banging Avatar. He wants me to show him some Ninjitsu, but i told him i would after he got my shields up to Lvl. 97 on Runescape, so he's gonna do that for me while he's here.
The Judo dojo up on keeling street called Sensei a fake and challenged him to a match. Sensei says he's gonna go home and meditate tonight and pull all his grandmaster's spirit into him and go and take on the whole school tommorrow. I wish i could go. I think its gonna be hella awesome when he starts kicking their asses. People just don't understand that Ninjas....we aren't the kind of people you wanna fuck with.
D1abl0's here, so i'll write more later, Diary.
Day 41
Dear Diary,
I started teaching d1abl0 Ninjitsu today. Sensei says i was ready to teach since i've reached Camouflage belt. Vamp1refr34k doesn't hang out with us anymore becuz his dad runs the Judo gym, and sensei says he's our enemy now. He tried to tell me that sensei got his ass kicked at the challenge. Pssh...yeah right. He's just trying to make his dad look good. Any id1ot could look and see that those bruises came from practicing dive rolls down stairs.
Now that we have enuff students, Sensei's gonna take us on a Ninja camping trip. It's gonna be totally sweet. We're gonna learn how to sneak through the woods, climb trees and make fire with our chi. I hope Sensei makes us full-fledged Ninjas then.
I've got some packing to do. Stay tuned, Diary.
Day 46
Dear Diary,
I'm sitting here in my tent using my chi for light so i can see to write. Haha...just kidding. It's my dad's flashlight. There are a lot of bugs out here. Sensei says picking ticks off our scrotums was good practice for the deadly "ant bite" technique. It's this really painful way to pinch pressure points with the very tips of your fingers. Gawd im gonna be totally badass because i picked all the ones off of mine without hurting myself. Even the small ones. How's that for accuracy? Only a Ninja!!! We practiced throwing chi balls at rabbits tonight for dinner. We would have gotten it too if one of the students hadn't pulled out his BB gun and shot it. That's not very ninja. It was still pretty good to eat though. My head hurts right now though because my mom kept calling my cell phone while we were doing meditation up on the high rocks and sensei slapped me in the back of the head. I think he might have used some chi too, because i have this tingly feeling in the back of my head...............
No...wait...scratch that diary....it was a fucking spider. OMGZ!!!
(short burst of unintelligble scribble)
Day 47
Dear Diary,
I just got home from the hospital. The doctors shaved my head and gave me a shot of "antivenom" or something. I've been sick most of the day. Sensei cast a healing chi bubble over me, and sometimes i can feel it working. I tried practicing my unarmed stuff, but i started moving a little too much, i guess, and i puked on the dog. He deserved it anyway. I'm still pissed that they cut my hair at the hospital. IT took me forever to get it to look like the singer's hair from AFI. That dude's a total fr34k. I bet he's a Ninja too.
Sensei's making me come to class tommorrow even tho im sick. Its not easy being a Ninja, ya know? People just don't understand. I'm gonna continue building my chi to force the poison out of my body. Catch ya later, Diary.
PS My nuts still have a lot of red spots on em. I'll have to put off taking pics to send to my girlfriend until they go away. hehe.
Day 72
Dear Diary. It's been awhile since i've written, so i'll just catch you up on what's been going on.
I got my black belt a month ago. w00t! I am officially a true Ninja. I know what you're thinking, i can't be a black belt at 17 right? There were ninjas younger than me in Japan. When i walk down the street during the day, people get out of my way. It's like their instinctive mind tells them "hey...this guy is a Ninja...make way."
Sensei lets me teach 3 times a week. I also have a girlfriend now. She's a Kunoichi (Female Ninja). Sensei said he had to test her out to make sure she was girfriend material before he'd let me date her. I'm not sure what that means, but it was probably a top secret test, because he took her up to the lookout point and was there all night testing her. She's hott too. Oh man....she does the most amazing thing with the handle of my Ninja sword. I can't even talk about it here. Sensei says she's good with a Naginata too. I dunno what he means, because we were practicing Naginata in class the other day and she didn't seem that good with it.
I got a new car too, until Sensei made me crash it into a ditch. He said we could collect the insurance money and he'd buy me a better car. He hasn't done it yet, but im sure that's just because he's still looking for the perfect Ninja car. Maybe a black Mitsubishi Lancer. That would be hella badass.
Until next time, Diary.
Day 74
Dear Diary,
Im sitting here at home. I got sent home early today cuz i showed up to school in my Ninja gi. What a crock of bullshit. Who else is gonna protect the school if robbers come in or something? The rent-a-cop that patrols the hallways, Mason, only has a can of pepper spray. And most of the time he just uses that on his tacos at lunch.
IT's all good, though. This gives me time to prepare my lesson plan for class tonight. I'm gonna be showing the students advanced sword katas and teach them how to sew shuriken pockets into their JNCO's. We're planning on demonstrating at the Open Classic in a month. I just know we're gonna take all those trophies.
Just had to put my backpack in the washing machine. I had some pepper bombs in there that burst and got all over my books and sh1t. Hazards of the job, i guess. I was hella sneezing and coughing when i opened it up. Imagine how my attackers are gonna feel when i throw it in their faces!!!
(later on)
Class went pretty well. Some kid from a cage fighter school showed up and called us all pussies and homos. He challenged me to a match, but i didn't want to kill him, so i declined. Sensei cast a spell on him , so his penis should be shrinking pretty soon. hehe.
Later, Diary.
Day 88
Dear Diary,
Mom made me get out and get a job if i wanted to still pay for classes, so i got a job as a cook at Burger King. It's cool because i can practice my shuriken throwing with the burger patties. I also like to draw Kuji on the burgers with the ketchup. That's pretty cool. I bet the customers would flip out if they knew a Ninja was making their burgers. The manager is a real a$$hole tho. He told me to stop throwing burgers around. I'm thinking of casting a Kuji on him tonight before bed. Let's see if he fucks with me then. I like to wear my tabi to work because they grip the greasy kitchen floor real well.
I gotta get a shower and then meditate and go to bed. I work at 10 tommorrow. See ya later diary.
Day 93
Dear Diary,
I got fired from work today for squirting secret sauce in a customer's eyes. He was being a total d1ck, telling me that he didnt want mayo and that there was mayo on it. I told him it was secret sauce. He just kept yelling so i flung the secret sauce at his face. He screamed like my sister did when i scared her and her boyfriend that night. It was flippin' awesome.
Sensei said i could work for him, so that's cool. He has me come over every week and cut his grass and clean his house. Im not really cool with him making me do his laundry, tho, because he has a lot of skidmarks in his boxers. Its kinda gross. He also makes me clip his toenails, which im REALLY not crazy about doing, but that's the price you pay to learn the secrets of the Ninja.
I'll write more later, Diary.
Day 99
Dear Diary,
We got disqualified at the Open Classic because some elderly lady in the audience got hit by a shuriken. Hey...its not my fault. She should have came to class and learned shuriken dodging. The cops were talking about arresting us, but decided not to because the shuriken hit her oxygen tank, so she didn't really get injured. They couldn't have arrested us anyway. All we had to do was throw down our smoke bombs and teleport back to our van in the parking lot. When will these mortals learn that they can't take us?
Oh well...another day done. Later, Diary.
Day 112
Dear Diary,
We went on some night mission exercises last night, which was totally badass. We crept through the woods and painted Kuji on Principal Lindermann's house and threw shurikens at his dog. We were gonna pee on his Volvo, but it's too hard to pull the Ninja gi pants down when you're in full uniform. It was a good mission, and the only downside of it is now me and D1abl0 both have poison ivy hella bad. My face was swollen with it and when some other guys at school asked me what happened today, i just told them i got into a fight with 9 gang members and got hit a few times. Sure, i might have been lying a little, but i guarantee you the guys at school won't mess with me now. haha!
It sucks having poison ivy on your wang, though. Mine looks like a vienna sausage that was left in the microwave too long. God it itches hella bad. No internet porn for me tonight.
Later Diary.
Day 121
Dear Diary,
The cops came looking for me, asking questions about vandalism that occurred on Principal Lindermann's property. I've been lying to my parents for years, so it was easy to fool these pathetic pigs. I told them that i didn't study Ninjitsu and i hate ninjas because they killed my grandfather. So they left.
Went to class tonight. It was pretty cool. Sensei took us out to some land that he owned and said he was going to build a Monastary there, for all our clan to live and train and prosper. He also said something about a tax shelter, so i dunno what's up with that. I'm finally getting my new car!! Sensei says that his guys have to finish working on it. He put both of his fingers up in quotations when he said the word "working". Maybe they're equipping it with arrows and a cloaking shield or something. Maybe bulletproofing the glass. Sensei mentioned swapping plates, so they must be adding bulletproof paneling to it also. Sensei had our clan logo and "Ninjitsu" stenciled on the side of his minivan now that he's finished buying it from his mom. We're supposed to call him Shihan now because he says his teacher over in Japan gave him the master test, which is a test where you have to fend off like, 5 guys with swords while standing on hot coals and broken glass. I hope one day my skillz are badass enough to take that test.
One of my students asked Shihan why we didn't spar, and Shihan told him that it was because our moves were entirely too deadly, and because we could already beat anyone that attacked us by the sheer power of our chi alone. He also said that if all else fails, we have shadow demons from the astral plane guarding us.
I tell ya, diary. It is so totally kick ass being a Ninja. I'm gonna own the Kumite one day. They'll all be going "Frank Who?". hehe...
I'm out for the night. I need my Shinobi sleep, so i can practice entering the astral plane. Later Diary.
Day 123
Dear Diary,
I contacted Ashida Kim today. He was a most honorable Ninja to speak to. He says there's a war coming between us Ninjas and the rest of the Martial Arts world. He explained to me some of the finer details of astral spying. I'm going to try some of what he told me tonight and see if i can spy on Jamie and her boyfriend. hehe. Does that make me incestuous? Probably, but i read once where Ninjas inbred to create their own master race of super humans.
My mom found you today, diary. I managed to snatch it out of her hand really quick before she could read anything using the Eagle Pebble Grab technique that Shihan taught me. Sometimes i think you're the only one that understands me. I'm much too complicated for this world. I plan on reaching such a level of enlightenment that i can just hang out on the astral plane all day. That would be hella sw33t.
Well im outtie for tonight. See ya later Diary.
PS: I'm still ironing Sensei's BVD's and clipping his toenails. I hope i don't have to for much longer.
Day 146
Dear Diary,
I signed up for the UFC today. Assholes laughed at me when they asked what school i was with and i told them Ninjitsu. They are most definitely getting a kuji spell from me. Let's see how they like waking up with their sphincter turned inside out.
Why are Ninja so misunderstood? Once upon a time we were feared and revered. People need to re-learn why they once feared us. Somebody egged the clan van, too, and the egg dried and stripped part of our logo off, which cost Sensei about $130. Well, actually it cost ME about $130 but sensei said he would pay me back when his disability check comes in.
Sensei is teaching me some really advanced stuff lately, such as how to levitate rocks from the bottom of a stream without touching them, and how to fly and stuff. I can't do any of these things just yet, but Sensei says i just have to practice and get my chi right.
Speaking of which, i need to get to work on that and then get to bed. Later, Diary.
Day 147
Dear Diary,
I started a Ninjitsu club at my church called "Ninjas of Nazareth". It's going over pretty well. I can't really teach them all the really cool stuff because they'd call me a witch and probably kick me out of the church. I only really still go because mom and dad make me. I'll be 18 soon, and then im moving out into my own place and i don't have to do anything i don't want to anymore. I'm going to train all day and strive to reach supreme enlightenment. I bet one day i'll be even more powerful than Sensei! Man that would be cool. Some guy named Rex came by the dojo today and tried to get us to study his 8 week program, and called me "Peter Pan". I'm like WTF? So i hit him in the ass cheek with a shuriken as he was getting back in his truck. He dares disrespect Ninjas? What a dumb4$$.
I gotta get to bed early. Me and D1abl0 have some firecrackers and we're gonna go practice Mitsubushi training over in Keeling Park tommorrow morning. Later, Diary.
Day 148
Dear Diary,
I won't write a whole lot right now, because i can only see out of one eye. D1abl0 and i were doing mitsubushi practice and i caught a Black Cat Whistler in the eyeball....luckily it bounced off my eyeball before it popped, but it still hurts h3lla bad. Sensei says that it was my Ninjaness that allowed me to deflect the bottle rocket with my eyeball, and that a lesser person would have been digging it out of their eye socket, so that makes me feel a little better. I do get to wear this t0tally badass eyepatch for a couple of weeks, tho.
I'll write more later after the tylenol 3 kicks in. Later Diary.
Day 150
Dear Diary,
My eye is feeling better, but i plan on keeping the patch on, because it makes me look like a complete hardass. I'm thinking about getting my older cousin, MoonStar, to put me some sweet henna tattoos on my arms and chest. She wove some hemp sandles for me before i went to bandcamp in 7th grade that were h3lla comfy. I asked Sensei today about his teacher from Japan, and he told me i wasn't worthy enough to ask him about his teacher yet. I guess im gonna have to just work harder and be more Ninja-like if im going to get the chance to talk to him about it. My girlfriend dumped me because she just couldn't handle my Ninjaness. She claims it was because i was "a delusional dipshit" but my training makes me a human lie detector, so i know its because im just a little too intense for her. No matter. A$$a$$in$ are meant to be alone anyway.
My dad sat me down today and said he was concerned about my involvement in Ninjitsu. I called him a "baka yaro" and went into my room and closed the door. Hehe....these pathetic hicks are so stupid they don't know what im saying when i cuss them out in Japanese. D1abl0 still feels bad about hitting me in the eye with the firecracker, or so he says. Personally i think he's just trying to get his belt back, cuz i stripped him of rank for being a total tool and poking my eye out.
I've just started wearing nothing but my gi pants, tabi, and a black T-shirt every day instead of normal clothing. That's right, being a Ninja is a full-time job. Plus if the sh1t ever hits the fan wherever i am, i can spring into action with the quickness.
Well, i have a class to teach. I'm gonna be teaching flying dragon kicks to the blue belts today. Its a mucho kick-ass move. Sensei says the Ninjas used it to knock holes in castle walls when they were invading an enemy Daimyo. Anyway, i'll write more later, Diary.
PS Sorry for spilling Pepsi on you today.
Day 156
Dear Diary,
Im sup3r pissed. Sensei made me do 200 pushups cuz i went to pick up his lunch from Jack in the Box and he didn't want Mayo, and they put mayo on it anywayz. I'm quitting and im starting my own Ninja sect. I'm tired of washing his clothes and clipping his nails for him. He hasn't taught me any of the secret moves from the Super Shinobi scrolls like he promised. Plus i found out he was porking my girlfriend. NOT c00l. My skillz are getting too good for his dojo anyway. I'm taking my students and starting a new dojo in this old abandoned Radio Shack behind Wal-Mart. It's cool because i don't have to drive there anymore to pick up tampons for my mom. I can just walk over after class is finished. I'm gonna use a new belt rank system too. Check it out, diary.
9th kyu - White Belt
8th kyu - Yellow Belt
7th kyu - Green Belt
6th Kyu - Camouflage Belt
5th Kyu - Red Belt
4th Kyu - Baby Blue Belt
3rd Kyu - Brown Belt
2nd Kyu - Brown Belt, red stripe
1st Kyu - BRown Belt, Blue Stripe
1st Degree - Black Belt, one stripe
2nd degree - Black belt, two stripes
3rd Degree - Black Belt, 3 stripes
4th Degree - Black Belt, 4 stripes
5th Degree - Black Belt, gold star
6th Degree - Black belt, two gold stars
7th Degree - Black Belt, 3 golds stars
8th Degree - Black Belt, 4 gold stars
9th Degree - Black Belt, 5 Gold Stars
10th Degree - Black Belt, Red Stripe
11th Degree - Black Belt, Blue Stripe
12th Degree - Black Belt, Silver Stripe
13th Degree - Black Belt, Gold STripe
14th Degree - Black Belt, "Ninja" embroidered
15th Degree - Black Belt, "Super Ninja" embroidered
16th Degree - Black Belt, "Master Ninja" embroidered
17th Degree - Black Belt, "Grandmaster Ninja" embroidered
18th Degree - Black Belt, "Musashi Ninja" embroidered
19th Degree - Black Belt, "Astral Ninja" Embroidered
20th Degree - Grandmaster, Blackbelt, HIM Logo Embroidered
Pretty sweet, huh Diary?
Im taking on the title of O' Dai Shihan 20th Degree, and only the grandmaster can wear a camouflage Ninja Gi. I'm super stoked. I don't even need to work, all i have to do is teach class all day, every day. I've been working very heavily on my advanced skills, and i could have sworn i saw a little bit of smoke the other day when i was trying to start a fire with my chi, so im getting up there real close to Grandmaster Ninja skill level. I've gotten real good at sneaking too. I sneak up on Jamie and her boyfriend all the time and i've filmed them a bunch of times. I started a website to sell the footage, so that's gonna help pay for my dojo.
D1abl0 is gonna be my assistant instructor, since he's crashing at my house after his dad caught him huffing shoe polish and kicked him out. I can't wait until i turn 18...im just gonna live at my dojo.
Well im gonna go to bed. I gotta ride over to my new dojo in the morning and start setting up all the stuff for class. Later Diary.
Day 160,
Dear Diary,
I got into a fight with Sensei when i went to his class to turn in my belt and tell him i was starting a school of my own. I won, because he went to do a rolling meerkat death kick and threw his back out. Maybe it was my constantly increasing Ki that caused his back to go out during the roll, because i put up a chi shield when he started to roll. I think it worked pretty well, if you ask me. I took most of his students, and we had class in my new Dojo behind Wal-Mart. It went pretty sweet. I gave them all their new belts and we practiced reverse shadow chain punches and Shinobi crescent kicks. I also taught the Ninja way of disarming an attacker with a gun, which is where you shadow transfer behind them and slap the gun out of their hand as they turn around to shoot you. They'll get it soon enough.
I'm still trying to come up with a name for my new style. As soon as i do that, i'm gonna go see the National Guard Armory on the other side of town to see if their troops need Ninjitsu training. If all the troops over in Iraq knew Ninjitsu, we would have won the war in the first 2 hours. If Nick Berg had known Ninjitsu, he could have either escaped from the restraints and killed all those dudes or put a chi-shield around his neck when they went to cut him. Pssh...i wouldn't be surprised if they try and send ME over to Iraq to assassinate Bin Laden. I wonder how he would like catching a shuriken in his eyeball.
Day 161
Dear Diary,
We had some more cage fighter dudes come visit my new dojo. They thought it was funny when we were doing flipping practice. They challenged us to a sparring match. Haha....yeah right...sparring is for pussies. If our techniques were any deadlier they'd kill US before they killed the attacker. They left, laughing. I thought about nailing them with Shurikens, but i didn't have any on me. We continued training in belt fighting and Sai's for the rest of class and went home. I picked up a rock out of the parking lot and brought it home and put it in a gallon pitcher to practice my levitating. I can almost see it move sometimes, so that's progress. It's gonna be super badass when im able to pull rocks out of the stream with my chi and throw them at attackers. I'll be like Magneto...except with rocks.
That's all for now, Diary. Write to ya later.
Day 180
Dear Diary,
Things have taken off for me and my Ninjitsu Ryu. We're called the Danzig Ryu, after the band. Danzig sounds totally Japanese, plus Glen is uber badass. He's like, part Vampire, Part Pirate, and Part Ninja, so its easy to see why he r0x0rs.
Plus it sounds a lot more like an actual school than sensei's "Motley Ryu".
I taught my students how to use caltrops today. It went pretty well until we were practicing out in the parking lot and a Wal-Mart truck backed over a set of them and blew a tire. The GM of the store came out talking sh1t saying he was gonna make us pay for the tire. I just laughed at him. I'm making a buttload of cheese, and one measly big rig tire isn't gonna phase me. I took out 4 hundred dollar bills folded up like shuriken and threw them at him. He flinched and picked them up and went back inside. Take that, corporate scum. Ninjas can floss the cheddar too, yo. Respect the Sect....the Ninja Sect.
I used some of the money and went and bought mom a whole case of tampons, just so she'll stop asking me to go get them for awhile, because it's a real hassle...plus i got tired of getting weird looks from the chick who works there who also used to sit behind me in Biology. What's wrong...ain't she ever seen a Ninja before? Sheesh....fucking hicks. Newayz...i love being the Grandmaster of my own ryu. This kid farted in class today and i made him give me 400 pushups. I told him don't ever disgrace the holy ground of his Ninja Forefathers with impure chi emissions. That's really all farts are, is letting out bad chi. That's one of the things sensei taught me.
I've been studying a lot of way advanced stuff lately, like how to stop time, and how to bring rainclouds and make them go away, and how to stop a bullet by intercepting it with a chi ball. Sensei said he once had a student who could do all that stuff, and said he fired a .45 bullet at him for a test, and the bullet melted to nothing before it got to him. It's gonna be hella 0wnage when i am able to do that stuff.
I've got some stuff to do. Write atcha later, Diary.
Day 182
Dear Diary,
We almost got into a clan war today. I had taken my students to this huge park in the next town over. It's in a rural area and has lots of woodland, so i knew it was perfect for stealth and woodland training. Everything was going fine, until one of my students came running up to me saying there were other Ninjas in the woods. I'm like WTF? I grabbed all my shurikens out of my bag and strapped my sword on. I just knew the iga ninjas had come to assassinate me. So i go out there....and there's this group of Ninjas right there in the middle of this clearing in the woods....but they didn't look like normal Ninjas.They were painted black instead of wearing black Gi's...and they were wearing Loincloths and black tabi Moccasins. They were indian Ninjas. The called themselves "The Dreamwarriors". The leader told me we had to leave their training ground and im like " Bullshit, you guys don't own this land" and he was like " we'll scalp you" and im like "we'll put a kuji on you" and we just kept arguing. The leader got into what he called his "Running Fawn" stance, and i got into our Black Widow Spider + Water Element Stance. We were just about to battle, too, when we heard the county Sheriff come over his loudspeaker back at the park entrance telling us to come on out.
So, i spent the next 4 hours explaining to deputies down at the station that we were just a ninja clan trying to conduct training. These pathetic fools had the nerve to laugh at me....at ME!!! So i sat right there and cast a kuji on all 3 of them, and on every person i walked by on the way out, including the old lady at the desk by the door. That'll teach them to disrespect a fucking Ninja.
I'm tired of this bullshit, diary. I'm just gonna start cracking heads when people disrespect me. As a Ninja, i should not have to put up with this sh1t. As a Ninja Grandmaster, i REALLY shouldn't be putting up with this sh1t. It's gonna be Kuji and Shurikens from now on. I'm even seriously thinking about incorporating the Ninja kiai that gives a person instant and long lasting explosive diarrhea for days.
I'm gonna go start a fight with some Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu guys tommorrow, just to show them who's boss. They've been egging my dojo and my car, so it's time for me to open up a can. I've gotta do some meditation and prepare, so i'll write more later diary.
Day 183
Dear Diary,
I'm almost too depressed to write. I went and challenged those BJJ guys today. So i go at it with the first one. He's pretty good. I'm in my advanced master stance, and im laughing at him. So he takes me down, and gets me in this hold. I'm like "no way" and i start trying to get out. I thought my forefathers would aid me...i thought they would protect me. I had really prayed hard to Musashi to be there and guide my body to kick some serious ass. I didn't feel him guiding me and i yelled out "Musashi!!!". I lost the match....against a fucking white belt. I have never been so embarrassed in all my life. I guarantee you, though, if this had been on the street, i would have 0wn3d his ass. I don't fight under rules. That's just gh3y. I'm not gonna tell my students about me losing cuz it might make them lose respect for me. I told those BJJ guys that they need to leave me alone now that they got what they want. They all laughed...as usual...and i threw a shitload of shurikens at them and ran out to my car. They chased me, but i got away cuz i was wearing tabi and they were barefoot and the asphalt was like, really rough and hot. Ha....Ninja, baby.
Anyway, my elbow and shoulder are pretty sore, so im gonna go soak in an epsom salt bath for awhile and chant a kuji on those a$$h0les. Later, Diary.
Day 185
Dear Diary,
My arm is feeling much better now. Those BJJ assholes aren't bothering us anymore, so that's good. I was about to lay the bigtime smackdown on their asses if they kept fucking with us. I wrote Ville Vallo and asked him to write a song about us. I even enclosed a picture of my belt with HIM's logo embroidered on it. I also asked if he needed a team of Ninjas as bodyguards. I haven't heard back from him yet. It would be totally sw33t if we could be bodyguards for HIM. We'd all just set up a big chi-shield around the stage so nobody could get through.
I taught some pretty sweet stuff today. I taught a counter to a punch where you block the punch, then wrap ur arm around it and lock theirs out, then break it, hit them in the chest and then the throat, then turn them over and step on their head. It's a badass combo. We had point-sparring practice too. That went well. We put on pads and all took turns. Of course i won, being the Grandmaster and all. I didn't spar D1abl0, cuz he's a black belt and two black belts should never spar. I kicked some major kyu ass though.
Sensei and i have reached a truce, and he is letting me keep my school, and he will keep his, so we are Danzig Ryu Ninjitsu, and he is Motley Ryu Ninjitsu. It's really cool, becuz we have each other's backs. Speaking of backs, Sensei's is feeling better. He had surgery on it and can move around much better now. I'm going to be getting inducted into the World Sokeship Council pretty soon, so im stoked about that too.
Anyway, im gonna go to bed. All that sparring makes a Ninja tired. Later, Diary.
Day 192
Dear Diary,
I did it!!! I got accepted as Soke of Danzig Ryu Ninjitsu. I may even be nominated for instructor of the year. They sent me some uber sweet certs to put up on the dojo wall. Now im really gonna kick my training up a notch. I've been practicing astral projection while hanging from a tree limb 45 feet in the air. We have a meeting next week a few states over at a convention. There's gonna be all kinds of styles there, and a guarantee you they won't know what hit them when us Ninjas walk in.
I've been teaching a lot of advanced moves with the sai and kamas lately. I taught this one sweet move where the sai rolls up the arm and back down it into the hand. That'll freak a badguy out. Ninjas of Nazareth is still going strong too. My official title is "Shinobi Jesus". I wear a different belt with the letters "SJ" embroidered on it when i teach at church. Some punks hanging out in the Church parking lot asked me if it stood for "Stupid Jackass.". I threw my shurikens with the cross engraved on them (normally reserved for vampires) at all of them and hopped in my car and hauled ass. Everybody's gonna keep messing with me and pretty soon every man, woman, and child in this town will be digging a shuriken out of their ass cheek, mark my words diary.
On a lighter note, i've also started studying Tai Chi under a master in town. He's teaching me how to be graceful and they have some killer fighting moves. I feel kinda like im betraying my Ninja heritage, but the guy there makes me feel real good about myself, so it's gravy. I keep wondering about the guy though, cuz everytime i stretch out he's right there behind me, and i could have SWORN he was smelling my ass when i bent over. Anyway, im not worried about it right now.
Time for bed. Later Diary.
Day 201
Dear Diary,
A lot has gone on since my last entry, so let me catch you up on it...
I'm sitting in the hospital right now, next to D1abl0 and a few of my other students. Bear with me cuz its hard to write with an IV in the back of my hand.
I had the Tai Chi instructor arrested because i caught him wearing a pair of MY underwear from my gym bag. WTF? What a weirdo. And they were my favorite pair, with "At the Drive-in" on the back of them. The Wal-Mart manager has been trying to get us evicted from our dojo because the pepper that we use to make pepper bombs leaked into the store's air conditioning sytem and they had to evacuate the entire store cuz people were sneezing and having runny noses and itchy eyes and stuff.
We attended the convention a few days ago. It was totally sweet when we first walked in. We were dressed in our full uniforms...hood and all. Then we got into a big fight with a Muay Thai school. That didn't go so well. I'm here to tell you, diary....those guys kick hella hard...and hella fast. I didn't even have time to pull my shurikens or blinding powder and i had taken 3 to the head and 4 to the legs.
I'm not sure how they got the other guys, cuz D1abl0 has been drifting in and out of consciousness and the other two students are in comas. I'll ask them when they come to, and let you know. I swear if i hadn't had a cold, i could have kicked all their asses myself.
My parents kicked me out for poisoning the dog after he peed in my bedroom floor. I didn't even poison him to kill him, i just did it to make him go to sleep....for a few days. I think i used too much, though. Dad buried him out back next to my Makiwara post. I'm gonna be living at the Dojo from now on. I go over to the Wal-Mart Tire changing bays at night and use their water hose to shower, so its all good. I'm making enough money off of students now that im gonna build a little place for myself onto the back of the dojo.
I'll write morr later diry..vicdin iss kikig innn......
Day 212
Dear Diary,
I'm finally out of the hospital. Thank God for that. I'm not pissing blood anymore, so that's good news. One of my students is still in a coma, but everybody else has recovered pretty well. Our first class since the incident will be tonight, and im preparing to teach some Dim Mak attacks so that any kickboxer who tries to pull that shit again will end up pissing blood himself.....from his tearducts. 3 of my students left the school, saying they were gonna go study Muay Thai. WTF? Yeah if you wanna be all gh3y and stuff like Van-Damme. I told them they were no longer Ninjas and would be marked as enemies. Whatever...i still got people signing up left and right, and pretty soon im gonna have to move to a bigger dojo. Losing 3 students makes me no difference.
I promoted 2 students to blackbelt for having my back at the convention, so they're pretty stoked about that. Plus i need more blackbelts to make my school look better.
Remember that kid whose ass i kicked in highschool? He's studying under me now. I'm teaching him some sup3r d34dly stuff since he's in a wheelchair, cuz he's gonna need it if he hopes to surive a gang fight with 20 thugs on ripped up asphalt with broken glass and syringes and burning cigarette butts and crackhead splooge everywhere.
Sensei says im better than he is now, and now fully recognizes me as a Grandmaster O'Dai Shihan Soke, which is sweet. He says im a prodigy and that i have Bruce Lee's spirit in me. Can you believe that? That is so badass. Sometimes i lay awake in bed at night and wonder if its in my destiny to be the greatest badass this world has ever seen. I'm definitely getting there fast enough, i just have to keep working.
Newayz, its time for this badass to go to bed. Later Diary.
PS: What would you think about having a black and red cover? I know your Dragonball Z cover is getting old and ragged.
Day 214
Dear Diary,
Okay, now im pissed. I walked out to my car this morning to grab my Final Fantasy game off the backseat, only to find my windows busted out and my car spray painted with gay shit like "Ninja fag" and "Stealth Fairy". I know its those kickboxing assholes. This means war. I'm taking it to the body shop and having the windows replaced with bulletproof glass. That way they can't bust out my windows with rocks or BB's or shins or whatever they used. I'm also working on a formula for invisible paint. The formula looks promising on paper, and its gonna be sweeter than Elton John in a tub of maple syrup if i can roll up on those kickboxer h0m0s and pelt them with shurikens out of thin air. I tried...i really did. I really wanted them to realize just what kind of danger they were toying with, but they didn't want to see it. Now it's my turn. Houses will be TP'd and dogs will be raped, mark my words. I've broken out my camouflage uniform, and all my smoke bombs. I took my annointed sword out of hiding, and i sharpened all my caltrops and made a ton of new pepper bombs. D34th is coming, and it rides on a horse called Danzig Ryu Ninjitsu.
I'll keep you updated as the carnage ensues, Diary.
Day 216
Dear Diary,
I've been on the battlfield for two days now. I snuck into the Muay Thai gym and stole the instructor's Rolodex with all the students' names and addresses in it. It was pretty sweet too...i disguised myself as a computer tech and told the assistant instructor that the main instructor called me while he was on vacation and told me to come out and have a look at his computer. He totally bought it...what a dope. Of course i had to don a fake mustache and glasses, which was pretty cool.
I went to the top student's apartment first. I took a massive dump on his patio and wrote all over his Honda with a sharpie. I was gonna bust his windows out just like mine were, but he had a car-alarm sticker in the window. I thought about maybe disabling it with EMP from a Chi Pulse, but that would have shut down the power on that entire block, so i kept it Ninja. He's probably h3lla pissed right now. I drew big pictures of dicks all over his car.
I went to a couple of other students houses, did the same thing to their cars. I raided their trash, too. I managed one more dump that went on one of their windshields. That was pretty w1cked. They all got notes stuck to their doors with Shurikens that said "Respect tha N1nja".
I've got many more houses to hit up, but i've gotta teach class and get some sleep. Keep it Ninja, diary.
PS: The black and Red cover looks much better.
Day 217
Dear Diary,
Progress has been slightly halted. I visited one of the guys' house last night who owned a doberman. Yeah, those dogs are badass. As soon as the novacaine wears off im gonna take a pic of the stitches and post it on Myspace. I can't really sit down right now, and walking is kinda hard, so im gonna take a few days off and hit the warzone again when my ass doesn't feel like gnawed ham.
Keep it Ninja, Diary.
Day 224
Dear Diary,
Im able to walk again, which is cool. The doctor said the doberman severed a nerve in my ass, which accounts for a dead spot. There's absolutely no feeling there, so if i catch a shuriken there, or a shin or whatever...it's all good! Maybe i should get the doctor to sever nerves all over my body so i don't feel pain. That'd be cool, but i think it would be better to just build my chi and withstand pain. I continued my Ninjery path of carnage yesterday. I visited 3 more students. I took a dump on the first student's porch and used the turd to write "Don't fuck with Ninjas" on his front door. He's probably STILL scrubbing on that door. haha. I put sugar in the gas tank of the second student, which was kinda hard cuz i had to use my Ninjato to pry the locking gas cap off. He's probably wondering why his car is fucked up right now. What a t00l. The 3rd student was particularly interesting. I recognized his car, he was one of the assholes who put me in the hospital. I stuffed two of my mom's dildos in his tailpipe, cut the cable on his Direct TV satellite dish, and planted this old crack pipe i found behind the dojo in his car. I called the cops on him today..hehe. I told them to search his car cuz he tried to sell me some crack. 0wn4ge!!
It was pretty easy to do all this, but i got back to my car several blocks down to find that i had a fucking parking ticket. I cannot win...i swear. This world is no longer made for Ninjas. Christians don't get persecuted this damn much. But i will carry on....i will keep it Ninja until i die.
I wrote a rap song today, Diary. Wanna read it? Here goes...
"Strictly for my Ninjas"
I was framed, so don't make the same mistake, ninja
You gotta learn how to shake the snakes, ninja
Cause the shadow demons love to break a ninja
Send em upstate cause they straight-up hate the ninja
So what I do is get a crew of zoo ninjas
Straight fools into rules and do ninjas
And one-time had enough of me
I'm still raw so the law can't fuck with me
They wanna kick me in the shin, punk picture that
I stay strapped motherfuckers better get your ninjato
It ain't easy bein me I can't take it
Life as a Ninja Grandmaster ain't everything they make it
And ever since the movies, these hoes try to do me
If they can't screw me, they find a way to sue me
Now can you picture me coolin, at a dojo?
Nothin but love, but motherfuckers wanna mean mug
Since I wear a lot of black, they plot
Don't know what I got, and get shot with the shurikens
And aww yeah, I wanna feel guilty
but you punk motherfuckers tried to milk me
You'll get smacked behind the hill with my phone on my pager
It's beepin while I cut you with my razor-sharp katana
I'm not violent, i'm Ninja and i deserve this
I got no mercy for these ninjas tryin to serve us
But if you catch me outta pocket, then I'm got
You love to kick a ninja but you scared to pop a cop
Now drop it
Strictly for my - strictly for my - strictly for my ninjaz
Strictly for my - strictly for my - strictly for my ninjaz
Strictly for my - strictly for my - strictly for my ninjaz
Strictly for my ninjaz makin C's
Peace, Ninja.
PRetty good, eh Diary? I might just become the world's first rapping Ninja. That would be h3lla w1cked. Get my tabi customized with Gucci logos and shit. Anyway, i got work to do. Keep it Ninja, Diary.
Day 234
Dear Diary,
Here i sit in my cell at the county jail. The cops raided my dojo and found "evidence". Plus they compared DNA samples from my turds to the ones at the crime scenes. It was really embarassing, cuz they made me go into a little tiny room and take a dump into a bowl. I'm supposed to spend 2 weeks here, but im busting out. I've been building my chi in order to soften my bones where i can slip thru the bars. My cell-mate is named Jarvis, but they call him "Power in the Shower". I dunno why.
He's pretty quiet. Whacks off a lot at night, though. It gets kinda uncomfortable because the "fap fap!" sound gets so loud that it sometimes wakes me up out of a dead sleep. I can't wait to get out of here. My students write me letters, and one of them even sent me some shurikens and blinding powder, but the guards caught it before it even got to me. Assholes. I left D1abl0 in charge at the dojo. Luckily the cops didn't close it down. I have to pay restitution damages to the Muay Thai students, which isn't a big deal. I still got my point across. I'm spending most of my time here beginning work on the Danzig Ryu Ninjitsu Training Manual. It's gonna be totally sweet when im finished, and im gonna publish it.
Well, it's chow time. I'll write more later on. Keep it Ninja, Diary.
PS: I hope i get a chance to test my skillz here against some real hardened criminals.There's a guy a few cells over from me who's in for ripping the tag off his mattress who has been mean mugging me since i got here. We might rumble eventually.
Day 234 (cont'd)
Dear Diary,
I just found out why they call Jarvis "Power in the Shower". Fucker tried to assrape me in the showers not half an hour ago! If those guards hadn't came in to pull him off, i was getting ready to stop his heart with a dim mak. The moved us to separate cells. They moved me down to a cell right across from Mattress guy, and he's mean mugging me even as i write this. Things could get ugly at lunch time. I hope you don't mind if i take a piece of your cover and make a shank out of it. They wouldn't let me have a pencil, so that's why im writing in crayon. I'm about to go ninja all up in this bitch if they keep messing with me. Guard's coming, i'll write later.
Day 236
Dear Diary,
The training manual is coming along pretty well. I've got 10th kyu-1st kyu down. I've included all the stances including Kage no Kamae, Ville no Kamae, and a few more eclectic stances such as the Shadow Demon stance, the Squirrel stance, and the Weeping Emo stance.
As soon as im out of the slam, im gonna get my students together and take photos of the stances and techniques to be included in the manual. Then i'll get it published. That way, people all across the country can buy the book and learn Danzig Ryu Ninjitsu and not even have to come train in person. Pretty soon i'll have a legion of Ninjas. So the next time some asshole tries to get smart on the internet and says i won't do anything and gives me his address to call my bluff, i can call one of my clan members nearest him and have them go fuck his shit up.
Mattress guy is still mean-mugging me. He claims that he's not, and that he just has a facial muscular condition that causes him to look that way, but i know a mean-mugger when i see one. I'm gonna break my tabi off in his ass soon enough.
Anyway, i didn't have much to write about today. I've been in this cell all day, cuz i got my exercise-yard time revoked for the day after the guards found the shank i made from your cover. No matter. I've conditioned my hands to cut like knives with a good chi strike anyway.
Lunch is here. Keep it Ninja.
Day 255
Dear Diary,
I'm out of the slammer now. It was a good lesson learned and an experience i won't forget. I wonder how many people are gonna be scared of me now that they know im a hardened criminal. haha. I've been working with Sensei for the past two days on some sweet new katas for my ryu. There's this one that i came up with, that's like, 83 moves long. Ha....that's gonna be hard to master right there. I've already mastered it cuz i cre8ted it, of course. Shortly before i got sent up, i left my car at the body shop and had all those mods done to it that i talked about earlier. It's so badass now. All the kunoichi bitches will be on my jock in a heartbeat as soon as this baby hits the town on Friday night. I'm still working on that formula for invisible paint, though. I told Di4bl0 that it was gonna look w1cked when i perfected the invisible paint and he's all like "How can something look w1cked if you cant see it?" Pssh.....amateur blackbelts....always missing the true meaning behind words. He'll learn one day. The Muay Thai gym has moved to the next town over. I guess they just couldn't handle the heat. h0m0s. Anyway, its time for me to turn in. Keep it Ninja...
Shinkengata, hope you don't mind me putting it all together.
Day 1:
Dear Diary,
I was walking home from school today with Vampirefr34k and D1abl0 and we saw this hella s1ck poster advertising Ninjitsu classes. It said we could learn to be Ninjas, which is hecka cool. I copied the number from the poster down into my cellphone with the HIM logo on it and walked home. Mom got p1$$ed when i asked her if i could join. She said something about me being gay enough as it is. I called her a bitch (under my breath, of course). I swear my parents just don't understand me.
A little background 1nfo for you, diary: My dad tried to put me in football when i was in 8th grade, but i quite after a week when i got hit too hard and peed in my jockstrap. It was the worst day of my life. After that i changed my image and became a total badass. I started wearing all black and painted my nails. I would sometimes put white base makeup on, but had to stop when my mom caught me using hers. Anyway, the kids at school were totally freaked out by me, and left me alone. Even today i like to sit in class with my Slipknot hoodie on and listen to my walkman, and nobody messes with me. I'm just too dark and 3vil for these mere mortals. haha!! Anyway....
Im gonna go eat dinner and then talk to my internet girlfriend from the Phillipines for awhile and hit the coffin (bed! lolz). later Diary.
Day 4
Dear Diary,
I've done it. After much pleading with mom, she finally let me start training to be a real Ninja!! It's totally badass too. I was learning some stuff im kinda scared to talk about even with you, Diary. Sensei says its like, super top secret stuff str8 from the scrolls. I was learning how to kill people by hitting a point on their arm that will make them crap out their heart 2 days after being hit. Plus we got to throw stars, and we trained in how to use the Ninja sword. Sensei has the exact one i almost talked my dad into buying for me at the flea market last year. Of course dad said he wasn't paying $50 for something i would just use to carve up the neighbor's cat. Yeah right, dad. I'm part tiger anyway. That's what my mentor on the Vampire online game says. So why would i kill my own species?
Newayz, im gonna go watch American Ninja 4 that Sensei let me borrow. See ya l8trz, diary.
Day 10
Dear diary,
I caught my older sister Jamie making out with some guy in his car last night. I snuck up on them just like sensei trained me. I made a mask out of pieces of my old black Korn t-shirt that i don't like anymore. When i popped up beside the window they both screamed. It was hella sweet. He got out and said he was gonna kick my ass and i hit him right on the spot sensei showed me, so he should be crapping out his heart any day now. He might have given me a black eye, but im gonna be the 1 laughing tommorrow. That's all for today. I can't wait for class tommorrow!! We're gonna be studying shadow transferring.
P.S... I forgot..i cant go to class becuz Jamie told on me and im grounded for a week.
Day 20
Dear Diary,
Class was killer!!! We learned how to defend ourselfs against getting put on the ground, which is rilly useful becuz i see a lot of guys fight at school and one of them almost always tackles the other one to the ground and wins. Sensei says also that cage fighters do that stuff, but that we don't compete there becuz all of them are too skeered of us and won't let us in because of our deadly strikes and stuff. Maybe i should go in and just tell them that i do regular karate. haha!! I'd kick all there asses. Its not a half bad idea, either. Top prize is always a lot of money and im getting my drivers license soon, so i need to be getting a car. Mom's Corolla is just embarassing.
PS.. Jamie's boyfriend is still alive, so i might need a little more practice on hitting that pressure point. He's a total @sshole.
Day 35
Dear diary,
I got in my first real fight today. It was totally sweet. He started talking trash about my nail polish. I told him that his feeble mind was too weak to comprehend the symbolism behind it, and he called me an emo fagg. I felt all the power of all the Ninja grandmasters through the years swell up in me as i kicked him over in his wheelchair.
I can't wait 'til class tommorrow so i can tell Sensei that i've tested my skills. After he hears of it, i wouldnt be surprised if he teaches me the water kata thats supposed to build up your chi so you can walk over water. That would be good...because im tired of stepping in piss puddles that our dog leaves in the hallway.
Newayz...mIRC is calling, see ya diary!!
Day 36
Dear Diary,
I got suspended for kicking that guy's ass at school, so im sitting here at home. It's all good tho, cuz D1abl0 is coming over and we're gonna watch the newest Anime porno he downloaded off the net. This one is supposed to have Sailor Moon banging Avatar. He wants me to show him some Ninjitsu, but i told him i would after he got my shields up to Lvl. 97 on Runescape, so he's gonna do that for me while he's here.
The Judo dojo up on keeling street called Sensei a fake and challenged him to a match. Sensei says he's gonna go home and meditate tonight and pull all his grandmaster's spirit into him and go and take on the whole school tommorrow. I wish i could go. I think its gonna be hella awesome when he starts kicking their asses. People just don't understand that Ninjas....we aren't the kind of people you wanna fuck with.
D1abl0's here, so i'll write more later, Diary.
Day 41
Dear Diary,
I started teaching d1abl0 Ninjitsu today. Sensei says i was ready to teach since i've reached Camouflage belt. Vamp1refr34k doesn't hang out with us anymore becuz his dad runs the Judo gym, and sensei says he's our enemy now. He tried to tell me that sensei got his ass kicked at the challenge. Pssh...yeah right. He's just trying to make his dad look good. Any id1ot could look and see that those bruises came from practicing dive rolls down stairs.
Now that we have enuff students, Sensei's gonna take us on a Ninja camping trip. It's gonna be totally sweet. We're gonna learn how to sneak through the woods, climb trees and make fire with our chi. I hope Sensei makes us full-fledged Ninjas then.
I've got some packing to do. Stay tuned, Diary.
Day 46
Dear Diary,
I'm sitting here in my tent using my chi for light so i can see to write. Haha...just kidding. It's my dad's flashlight. There are a lot of bugs out here. Sensei says picking ticks off our scrotums was good practice for the deadly "ant bite" technique. It's this really painful way to pinch pressure points with the very tips of your fingers. Gawd im gonna be totally badass because i picked all the ones off of mine without hurting myself. Even the small ones. How's that for accuracy? Only a Ninja!!! We practiced throwing chi balls at rabbits tonight for dinner. We would have gotten it too if one of the students hadn't pulled out his BB gun and shot it. That's not very ninja. It was still pretty good to eat though. My head hurts right now though because my mom kept calling my cell phone while we were doing meditation up on the high rocks and sensei slapped me in the back of the head. I think he might have used some chi too, because i have this tingly feeling in the back of my head...............
No...wait...scratch that diary....it was a fucking spider. OMGZ!!!
(short burst of unintelligble scribble)
Day 47
Dear Diary,
I just got home from the hospital. The doctors shaved my head and gave me a shot of "antivenom" or something. I've been sick most of the day. Sensei cast a healing chi bubble over me, and sometimes i can feel it working. I tried practicing my unarmed stuff, but i started moving a little too much, i guess, and i puked on the dog. He deserved it anyway. I'm still pissed that they cut my hair at the hospital. IT took me forever to get it to look like the singer's hair from AFI. That dude's a total fr34k. I bet he's a Ninja too.
Sensei's making me come to class tommorrow even tho im sick. Its not easy being a Ninja, ya know? People just don't understand. I'm gonna continue building my chi to force the poison out of my body. Catch ya later, Diary.
PS My nuts still have a lot of red spots on em. I'll have to put off taking pics to send to my girlfriend until they go away. hehe.
Day 72
Dear Diary. It's been awhile since i've written, so i'll just catch you up on what's been going on.
I got my black belt a month ago. w00t! I am officially a true Ninja. I know what you're thinking, i can't be a black belt at 17 right? There were ninjas younger than me in Japan. When i walk down the street during the day, people get out of my way. It's like their instinctive mind tells them "hey...this guy is a Ninja...make way."
Sensei lets me teach 3 times a week. I also have a girlfriend now. She's a Kunoichi (Female Ninja). Sensei said he had to test her out to make sure she was girfriend material before he'd let me date her. I'm not sure what that means, but it was probably a top secret test, because he took her up to the lookout point and was there all night testing her. She's hott too. Oh man....she does the most amazing thing with the handle of my Ninja sword. I can't even talk about it here. Sensei says she's good with a Naginata too. I dunno what he means, because we were practicing Naginata in class the other day and she didn't seem that good with it.
I got a new car too, until Sensei made me crash it into a ditch. He said we could collect the insurance money and he'd buy me a better car. He hasn't done it yet, but im sure that's just because he's still looking for the perfect Ninja car. Maybe a black Mitsubishi Lancer. That would be hella badass.
Until next time, Diary.
Day 74
Dear Diary,
Im sitting here at home. I got sent home early today cuz i showed up to school in my Ninja gi. What a crock of bullshit. Who else is gonna protect the school if robbers come in or something? The rent-a-cop that patrols the hallways, Mason, only has a can of pepper spray. And most of the time he just uses that on his tacos at lunch.
IT's all good, though. This gives me time to prepare my lesson plan for class tonight. I'm gonna be showing the students advanced sword katas and teach them how to sew shuriken pockets into their JNCO's. We're planning on demonstrating at the Open Classic in a month. I just know we're gonna take all those trophies.
Just had to put my backpack in the washing machine. I had some pepper bombs in there that burst and got all over my books and sh1t. Hazards of the job, i guess. I was hella sneezing and coughing when i opened it up. Imagine how my attackers are gonna feel when i throw it in their faces!!!
(later on)
Class went pretty well. Some kid from a cage fighter school showed up and called us all pussies and homos. He challenged me to a match, but i didn't want to kill him, so i declined. Sensei cast a spell on him , so his penis should be shrinking pretty soon. hehe.
Later, Diary.
Day 88
Dear Diary,
Mom made me get out and get a job if i wanted to still pay for classes, so i got a job as a cook at Burger King. It's cool because i can practice my shuriken throwing with the burger patties. I also like to draw Kuji on the burgers with the ketchup. That's pretty cool. I bet the customers would flip out if they knew a Ninja was making their burgers. The manager is a real a$$hole tho. He told me to stop throwing burgers around. I'm thinking of casting a Kuji on him tonight before bed. Let's see if he fucks with me then. I like to wear my tabi to work because they grip the greasy kitchen floor real well.
I gotta get a shower and then meditate and go to bed. I work at 10 tommorrow. See ya later diary.
Day 93
Dear Diary,
I got fired from work today for squirting secret sauce in a customer's eyes. He was being a total d1ck, telling me that he didnt want mayo and that there was mayo on it. I told him it was secret sauce. He just kept yelling so i flung the secret sauce at his face. He screamed like my sister did when i scared her and her boyfriend that night. It was flippin' awesome.
Sensei said i could work for him, so that's cool. He has me come over every week and cut his grass and clean his house. Im not really cool with him making me do his laundry, tho, because he has a lot of skidmarks in his boxers. Its kinda gross. He also makes me clip his toenails, which im REALLY not crazy about doing, but that's the price you pay to learn the secrets of the Ninja.
I'll write more later, Diary.
Day 99
Dear Diary,
We got disqualified at the Open Classic because some elderly lady in the audience got hit by a shuriken. Hey...its not my fault. She should have came to class and learned shuriken dodging. The cops were talking about arresting us, but decided not to because the shuriken hit her oxygen tank, so she didn't really get injured. They couldn't have arrested us anyway. All we had to do was throw down our smoke bombs and teleport back to our van in the parking lot. When will these mortals learn that they can't take us?
Oh well...another day done. Later, Diary.
Day 112
Dear Diary,
We went on some night mission exercises last night, which was totally badass. We crept through the woods and painted Kuji on Principal Lindermann's house and threw shurikens at his dog. We were gonna pee on his Volvo, but it's too hard to pull the Ninja gi pants down when you're in full uniform. It was a good mission, and the only downside of it is now me and D1abl0 both have poison ivy hella bad. My face was swollen with it and when some other guys at school asked me what happened today, i just told them i got into a fight with 9 gang members and got hit a few times. Sure, i might have been lying a little, but i guarantee you the guys at school won't mess with me now. haha!
It sucks having poison ivy on your wang, though. Mine looks like a vienna sausage that was left in the microwave too long. God it itches hella bad. No internet porn for me tonight.
Later Diary.
Day 121
Dear Diary,
The cops came looking for me, asking questions about vandalism that occurred on Principal Lindermann's property. I've been lying to my parents for years, so it was easy to fool these pathetic pigs. I told them that i didn't study Ninjitsu and i hate ninjas because they killed my grandfather. So they left.
Went to class tonight. It was pretty cool. Sensei took us out to some land that he owned and said he was going to build a Monastary there, for all our clan to live and train and prosper. He also said something about a tax shelter, so i dunno what's up with that. I'm finally getting my new car!! Sensei says that his guys have to finish working on it. He put both of his fingers up in quotations when he said the word "working". Maybe they're equipping it with arrows and a cloaking shield or something. Maybe bulletproofing the glass. Sensei mentioned swapping plates, so they must be adding bulletproof paneling to it also. Sensei had our clan logo and "Ninjitsu" stenciled on the side of his minivan now that he's finished buying it from his mom. We're supposed to call him Shihan now because he says his teacher over in Japan gave him the master test, which is a test where you have to fend off like, 5 guys with swords while standing on hot coals and broken glass. I hope one day my skillz are badass enough to take that test.
One of my students asked Shihan why we didn't spar, and Shihan told him that it was because our moves were entirely too deadly, and because we could already beat anyone that attacked us by the sheer power of our chi alone. He also said that if all else fails, we have shadow demons from the astral plane guarding us.
I tell ya, diary. It is so totally kick ass being a Ninja. I'm gonna own the Kumite one day. They'll all be going "Frank Who?". hehe...
I'm out for the night. I need my Shinobi sleep, so i can practice entering the astral plane. Later Diary.
Day 123
Dear Diary,
I contacted Ashida Kim today. He was a most honorable Ninja to speak to. He says there's a war coming between us Ninjas and the rest of the Martial Arts world. He explained to me some of the finer details of astral spying. I'm going to try some of what he told me tonight and see if i can spy on Jamie and her boyfriend. hehe. Does that make me incestuous? Probably, but i read once where Ninjas inbred to create their own master race of super humans.
My mom found you today, diary. I managed to snatch it out of her hand really quick before she could read anything using the Eagle Pebble Grab technique that Shihan taught me. Sometimes i think you're the only one that understands me. I'm much too complicated for this world. I plan on reaching such a level of enlightenment that i can just hang out on the astral plane all day. That would be hella sw33t.
Well im outtie for tonight. See ya later Diary.
PS: I'm still ironing Sensei's BVD's and clipping his toenails. I hope i don't have to for much longer.
Day 146
Dear Diary,
I signed up for the UFC today. Assholes laughed at me when they asked what school i was with and i told them Ninjitsu. They are most definitely getting a kuji spell from me. Let's see how they like waking up with their sphincter turned inside out.
Why are Ninja so misunderstood? Once upon a time we were feared and revered. People need to re-learn why they once feared us. Somebody egged the clan van, too, and the egg dried and stripped part of our logo off, which cost Sensei about $130. Well, actually it cost ME about $130 but sensei said he would pay me back when his disability check comes in.
Sensei is teaching me some really advanced stuff lately, such as how to levitate rocks from the bottom of a stream without touching them, and how to fly and stuff. I can't do any of these things just yet, but Sensei says i just have to practice and get my chi right.
Speaking of which, i need to get to work on that and then get to bed. Later, Diary.
Day 147
Dear Diary,
I started a Ninjitsu club at my church called "Ninjas of Nazareth". It's going over pretty well. I can't really teach them all the really cool stuff because they'd call me a witch and probably kick me out of the church. I only really still go because mom and dad make me. I'll be 18 soon, and then im moving out into my own place and i don't have to do anything i don't want to anymore. I'm going to train all day and strive to reach supreme enlightenment. I bet one day i'll be even more powerful than Sensei! Man that would be cool. Some guy named Rex came by the dojo today and tried to get us to study his 8 week program, and called me "Peter Pan". I'm like WTF? So i hit him in the ass cheek with a shuriken as he was getting back in his truck. He dares disrespect Ninjas? What a dumb4$$.
I gotta get to bed early. Me and D1abl0 have some firecrackers and we're gonna go practice Mitsubushi training over in Keeling Park tommorrow morning. Later, Diary.
Day 148
Dear Diary,
I won't write a whole lot right now, because i can only see out of one eye. D1abl0 and i were doing mitsubushi practice and i caught a Black Cat Whistler in the eyeball....luckily it bounced off my eyeball before it popped, but it still hurts h3lla bad. Sensei says that it was my Ninjaness that allowed me to deflect the bottle rocket with my eyeball, and that a lesser person would have been digging it out of their eye socket, so that makes me feel a little better. I do get to wear this t0tally badass eyepatch for a couple of weeks, tho.
I'll write more later after the tylenol 3 kicks in. Later Diary.
Day 150
Dear Diary,
My eye is feeling better, but i plan on keeping the patch on, because it makes me look like a complete hardass. I'm thinking about getting my older cousin, MoonStar, to put me some sweet henna tattoos on my arms and chest. She wove some hemp sandles for me before i went to bandcamp in 7th grade that were h3lla comfy. I asked Sensei today about his teacher from Japan, and he told me i wasn't worthy enough to ask him about his teacher yet. I guess im gonna have to just work harder and be more Ninja-like if im going to get the chance to talk to him about it. My girlfriend dumped me because she just couldn't handle my Ninjaness. She claims it was because i was "a delusional dipshit" but my training makes me a human lie detector, so i know its because im just a little too intense for her. No matter. A$$a$$in$ are meant to be alone anyway.
My dad sat me down today and said he was concerned about my involvement in Ninjitsu. I called him a "baka yaro" and went into my room and closed the door. Hehe....these pathetic hicks are so stupid they don't know what im saying when i cuss them out in Japanese. D1abl0 still feels bad about hitting me in the eye with the firecracker, or so he says. Personally i think he's just trying to get his belt back, cuz i stripped him of rank for being a total tool and poking my eye out.
I've just started wearing nothing but my gi pants, tabi, and a black T-shirt every day instead of normal clothing. That's right, being a Ninja is a full-time job. Plus if the sh1t ever hits the fan wherever i am, i can spring into action with the quickness.
Well, i have a class to teach. I'm gonna be teaching flying dragon kicks to the blue belts today. Its a mucho kick-ass move. Sensei says the Ninjas used it to knock holes in castle walls when they were invading an enemy Daimyo. Anyway, i'll write more later, Diary.
PS Sorry for spilling Pepsi on you today.
Day 156
Dear Diary,
Im sup3r pissed. Sensei made me do 200 pushups cuz i went to pick up his lunch from Jack in the Box and he didn't want Mayo, and they put mayo on it anywayz. I'm quitting and im starting my own Ninja sect. I'm tired of washing his clothes and clipping his nails for him. He hasn't taught me any of the secret moves from the Super Shinobi scrolls like he promised. Plus i found out he was porking my girlfriend. NOT c00l. My skillz are getting too good for his dojo anyway. I'm taking my students and starting a new dojo in this old abandoned Radio Shack behind Wal-Mart. It's cool because i don't have to drive there anymore to pick up tampons for my mom. I can just walk over after class is finished. I'm gonna use a new belt rank system too. Check it out, diary.
9th kyu - White Belt
8th kyu - Yellow Belt
7th kyu - Green Belt
6th Kyu - Camouflage Belt
5th Kyu - Red Belt
4th Kyu - Baby Blue Belt
3rd Kyu - Brown Belt
2nd Kyu - Brown Belt, red stripe
1st Kyu - BRown Belt, Blue Stripe
1st Degree - Black Belt, one stripe
2nd degree - Black belt, two stripes
3rd Degree - Black Belt, 3 stripes
4th Degree - Black Belt, 4 stripes
5th Degree - Black Belt, gold star
6th Degree - Black belt, two gold stars
7th Degree - Black Belt, 3 golds stars
8th Degree - Black Belt, 4 gold stars
9th Degree - Black Belt, 5 Gold Stars
10th Degree - Black Belt, Red Stripe
11th Degree - Black Belt, Blue Stripe
12th Degree - Black Belt, Silver Stripe
13th Degree - Black Belt, Gold STripe
14th Degree - Black Belt, "Ninja" embroidered
15th Degree - Black Belt, "Super Ninja" embroidered
16th Degree - Black Belt, "Master Ninja" embroidered
17th Degree - Black Belt, "Grandmaster Ninja" embroidered
18th Degree - Black Belt, "Musashi Ninja" embroidered
19th Degree - Black Belt, "Astral Ninja" Embroidered
20th Degree - Grandmaster, Blackbelt, HIM Logo Embroidered
Pretty sweet, huh Diary?
Im taking on the title of O' Dai Shihan 20th Degree, and only the grandmaster can wear a camouflage Ninja Gi. I'm super stoked. I don't even need to work, all i have to do is teach class all day, every day. I've been working very heavily on my advanced skills, and i could have sworn i saw a little bit of smoke the other day when i was trying to start a fire with my chi, so im getting up there real close to Grandmaster Ninja skill level. I've gotten real good at sneaking too. I sneak up on Jamie and her boyfriend all the time and i've filmed them a bunch of times. I started a website to sell the footage, so that's gonna help pay for my dojo.
D1abl0 is gonna be my assistant instructor, since he's crashing at my house after his dad caught him huffing shoe polish and kicked him out. I can't wait until i turn 18...im just gonna live at my dojo.
Well im gonna go to bed. I gotta ride over to my new dojo in the morning and start setting up all the stuff for class. Later Diary.
Day 160,
Dear Diary,
I got into a fight with Sensei when i went to his class to turn in my belt and tell him i was starting a school of my own. I won, because he went to do a rolling meerkat death kick and threw his back out. Maybe it was my constantly increasing Ki that caused his back to go out during the roll, because i put up a chi shield when he started to roll. I think it worked pretty well, if you ask me. I took most of his students, and we had class in my new Dojo behind Wal-Mart. It went pretty sweet. I gave them all their new belts and we practiced reverse shadow chain punches and Shinobi crescent kicks. I also taught the Ninja way of disarming an attacker with a gun, which is where you shadow transfer behind them and slap the gun out of their hand as they turn around to shoot you. They'll get it soon enough.
I'm still trying to come up with a name for my new style. As soon as i do that, i'm gonna go see the National Guard Armory on the other side of town to see if their troops need Ninjitsu training. If all the troops over in Iraq knew Ninjitsu, we would have won the war in the first 2 hours. If Nick Berg had known Ninjitsu, he could have either escaped from the restraints and killed all those dudes or put a chi-shield around his neck when they went to cut him. Pssh...i wouldn't be surprised if they try and send ME over to Iraq to assassinate Bin Laden. I wonder how he would like catching a shuriken in his eyeball.
Day 161
Dear Diary,
We had some more cage fighter dudes come visit my new dojo. They thought it was funny when we were doing flipping practice. They challenged us to a sparring match. Haha....yeah right...sparring is for pussies. If our techniques were any deadlier they'd kill US before they killed the attacker. They left, laughing. I thought about nailing them with Shurikens, but i didn't have any on me. We continued training in belt fighting and Sai's for the rest of class and went home. I picked up a rock out of the parking lot and brought it home and put it in a gallon pitcher to practice my levitating. I can almost see it move sometimes, so that's progress. It's gonna be super badass when im able to pull rocks out of the stream with my chi and throw them at attackers. I'll be like Magneto...except with rocks.
That's all for now, Diary. Write to ya later.
Day 180
Dear Diary,
Things have taken off for me and my Ninjitsu Ryu. We're called the Danzig Ryu, after the band. Danzig sounds totally Japanese, plus Glen is uber badass. He's like, part Vampire, Part Pirate, and Part Ninja, so its easy to see why he r0x0rs.
Plus it sounds a lot more like an actual school than sensei's "Motley Ryu".
I taught my students how to use caltrops today. It went pretty well until we were practicing out in the parking lot and a Wal-Mart truck backed over a set of them and blew a tire. The GM of the store came out talking sh1t saying he was gonna make us pay for the tire. I just laughed at him. I'm making a buttload of cheese, and one measly big rig tire isn't gonna phase me. I took out 4 hundred dollar bills folded up like shuriken and threw them at him. He flinched and picked them up and went back inside. Take that, corporate scum. Ninjas can floss the cheddar too, yo. Respect the Sect....the Ninja Sect.
I used some of the money and went and bought mom a whole case of tampons, just so she'll stop asking me to go get them for awhile, because it's a real hassle...plus i got tired of getting weird looks from the chick who works there who also used to sit behind me in Biology. What's wrong...ain't she ever seen a Ninja before? Sheesh....fucking hicks. Newayz...i love being the Grandmaster of my own ryu. This kid farted in class today and i made him give me 400 pushups. I told him don't ever disgrace the holy ground of his Ninja Forefathers with impure chi emissions. That's really all farts are, is letting out bad chi. That's one of the things sensei taught me.
I've been studying a lot of way advanced stuff lately, like how to stop time, and how to bring rainclouds and make them go away, and how to stop a bullet by intercepting it with a chi ball. Sensei said he once had a student who could do all that stuff, and said he fired a .45 bullet at him for a test, and the bullet melted to nothing before it got to him. It's gonna be hella 0wnage when i am able to do that stuff.
I've got some stuff to do. Write atcha later, Diary.
Day 182
Dear Diary,
We almost got into a clan war today. I had taken my students to this huge park in the next town over. It's in a rural area and has lots of woodland, so i knew it was perfect for stealth and woodland training. Everything was going fine, until one of my students came running up to me saying there were other Ninjas in the woods. I'm like WTF? I grabbed all my shurikens out of my bag and strapped my sword on. I just knew the iga ninjas had come to assassinate me. So i go out there....and there's this group of Ninjas right there in the middle of this clearing in the woods....but they didn't look like normal Ninjas.They were painted black instead of wearing black Gi's...and they were wearing Loincloths and black tabi Moccasins. They were indian Ninjas. The called themselves "The Dreamwarriors". The leader told me we had to leave their training ground and im like " Bullshit, you guys don't own this land" and he was like " we'll scalp you" and im like "we'll put a kuji on you" and we just kept arguing. The leader got into what he called his "Running Fawn" stance, and i got into our Black Widow Spider + Water Element Stance. We were just about to battle, too, when we heard the county Sheriff come over his loudspeaker back at the park entrance telling us to come on out.
So, i spent the next 4 hours explaining to deputies down at the station that we were just a ninja clan trying to conduct training. These pathetic fools had the nerve to laugh at me....at ME!!! So i sat right there and cast a kuji on all 3 of them, and on every person i walked by on the way out, including the old lady at the desk by the door. That'll teach them to disrespect a fucking Ninja.
I'm tired of this bullshit, diary. I'm just gonna start cracking heads when people disrespect me. As a Ninja, i should not have to put up with this sh1t. As a Ninja Grandmaster, i REALLY shouldn't be putting up with this sh1t. It's gonna be Kuji and Shurikens from now on. I'm even seriously thinking about incorporating the Ninja kiai that gives a person instant and long lasting explosive diarrhea for days.
I'm gonna go start a fight with some Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu guys tommorrow, just to show them who's boss. They've been egging my dojo and my car, so it's time for me to open up a can. I've gotta do some meditation and prepare, so i'll write more later diary.
Day 183
Dear Diary,
I'm almost too depressed to write. I went and challenged those BJJ guys today. So i go at it with the first one. He's pretty good. I'm in my advanced master stance, and im laughing at him. So he takes me down, and gets me in this hold. I'm like "no way" and i start trying to get out. I thought my forefathers would aid me...i thought they would protect me. I had really prayed hard to Musashi to be there and guide my body to kick some serious ass. I didn't feel him guiding me and i yelled out "Musashi!!!". I lost the match....against a fucking white belt. I have never been so embarrassed in all my life. I guarantee you, though, if this had been on the street, i would have 0wn3d his ass. I don't fight under rules. That's just gh3y. I'm not gonna tell my students about me losing cuz it might make them lose respect for me. I told those BJJ guys that they need to leave me alone now that they got what they want. They all laughed...as usual...and i threw a shitload of shurikens at them and ran out to my car. They chased me, but i got away cuz i was wearing tabi and they were barefoot and the asphalt was like, really rough and hot. Ha....Ninja, baby.
Anyway, my elbow and shoulder are pretty sore, so im gonna go soak in an epsom salt bath for awhile and chant a kuji on those a$$h0les. Later, Diary.
Day 185
Dear Diary,
My arm is feeling much better now. Those BJJ assholes aren't bothering us anymore, so that's good. I was about to lay the bigtime smackdown on their asses if they kept fucking with us. I wrote Ville Vallo and asked him to write a song about us. I even enclosed a picture of my belt with HIM's logo embroidered on it. I also asked if he needed a team of Ninjas as bodyguards. I haven't heard back from him yet. It would be totally sw33t if we could be bodyguards for HIM. We'd all just set up a big chi-shield around the stage so nobody could get through.
I taught some pretty sweet stuff today. I taught a counter to a punch where you block the punch, then wrap ur arm around it and lock theirs out, then break it, hit them in the chest and then the throat, then turn them over and step on their head. It's a badass combo. We had point-sparring practice too. That went well. We put on pads and all took turns. Of course i won, being the Grandmaster and all. I didn't spar D1abl0, cuz he's a black belt and two black belts should never spar. I kicked some major kyu ass though.
Sensei and i have reached a truce, and he is letting me keep my school, and he will keep his, so we are Danzig Ryu Ninjitsu, and he is Motley Ryu Ninjitsu. It's really cool, becuz we have each other's backs. Speaking of backs, Sensei's is feeling better. He had surgery on it and can move around much better now. I'm going to be getting inducted into the World Sokeship Council pretty soon, so im stoked about that too.
Anyway, im gonna go to bed. All that sparring makes a Ninja tired. Later, Diary.
Day 192
Dear Diary,
I did it!!! I got accepted as Soke of Danzig Ryu Ninjitsu. I may even be nominated for instructor of the year. They sent me some uber sweet certs to put up on the dojo wall. Now im really gonna kick my training up a notch. I've been practicing astral projection while hanging from a tree limb 45 feet in the air. We have a meeting next week a few states over at a convention. There's gonna be all kinds of styles there, and a guarantee you they won't know what hit them when us Ninjas walk in.
I've been teaching a lot of advanced moves with the sai and kamas lately. I taught this one sweet move where the sai rolls up the arm and back down it into the hand. That'll freak a badguy out. Ninjas of Nazareth is still going strong too. My official title is "Shinobi Jesus". I wear a different belt with the letters "SJ" embroidered on it when i teach at church. Some punks hanging out in the Church parking lot asked me if it stood for "Stupid Jackass.". I threw my shurikens with the cross engraved on them (normally reserved for vampires) at all of them and hopped in my car and hauled ass. Everybody's gonna keep messing with me and pretty soon every man, woman, and child in this town will be digging a shuriken out of their ass cheek, mark my words diary.
On a lighter note, i've also started studying Tai Chi under a master in town. He's teaching me how to be graceful and they have some killer fighting moves. I feel kinda like im betraying my Ninja heritage, but the guy there makes me feel real good about myself, so it's gravy. I keep wondering about the guy though, cuz everytime i stretch out he's right there behind me, and i could have SWORN he was smelling my ass when i bent over. Anyway, im not worried about it right now.
Time for bed. Later Diary.
Day 201
Dear Diary,
A lot has gone on since my last entry, so let me catch you up on it...
I'm sitting in the hospital right now, next to D1abl0 and a few of my other students. Bear with me cuz its hard to write with an IV in the back of my hand.
I had the Tai Chi instructor arrested because i caught him wearing a pair of MY underwear from my gym bag. WTF? What a weirdo. And they were my favorite pair, with "At the Drive-in" on the back of them. The Wal-Mart manager has been trying to get us evicted from our dojo because the pepper that we use to make pepper bombs leaked into the store's air conditioning sytem and they had to evacuate the entire store cuz people were sneezing and having runny noses and itchy eyes and stuff.
We attended the convention a few days ago. It was totally sweet when we first walked in. We were dressed in our full uniforms...hood and all. Then we got into a big fight with a Muay Thai school. That didn't go so well. I'm here to tell you, diary....those guys kick hella hard...and hella fast. I didn't even have time to pull my shurikens or blinding powder and i had taken 3 to the head and 4 to the legs.
I'm not sure how they got the other guys, cuz D1abl0 has been drifting in and out of consciousness and the other two students are in comas. I'll ask them when they come to, and let you know. I swear if i hadn't had a cold, i could have kicked all their asses myself.
My parents kicked me out for poisoning the dog after he peed in my bedroom floor. I didn't even poison him to kill him, i just did it to make him go to sleep....for a few days. I think i used too much, though. Dad buried him out back next to my Makiwara post. I'm gonna be living at the Dojo from now on. I go over to the Wal-Mart Tire changing bays at night and use their water hose to shower, so its all good. I'm making enough money off of students now that im gonna build a little place for myself onto the back of the dojo.
I'll write morr later diry..vicdin iss kikig innn......
Day 212
Dear Diary,
I'm finally out of the hospital. Thank God for that. I'm not pissing blood anymore, so that's good news. One of my students is still in a coma, but everybody else has recovered pretty well. Our first class since the incident will be tonight, and im preparing to teach some Dim Mak attacks so that any kickboxer who tries to pull that shit again will end up pissing blood himself.....from his tearducts. 3 of my students left the school, saying they were gonna go study Muay Thai. WTF? Yeah if you wanna be all gh3y and stuff like Van-Damme. I told them they were no longer Ninjas and would be marked as enemies. Whatever...i still got people signing up left and right, and pretty soon im gonna have to move to a bigger dojo. Losing 3 students makes me no difference.
I promoted 2 students to blackbelt for having my back at the convention, so they're pretty stoked about that. Plus i need more blackbelts to make my school look better.
Remember that kid whose ass i kicked in highschool? He's studying under me now. I'm teaching him some sup3r d34dly stuff since he's in a wheelchair, cuz he's gonna need it if he hopes to surive a gang fight with 20 thugs on ripped up asphalt with broken glass and syringes and burning cigarette butts and crackhead splooge everywhere.
Sensei says im better than he is now, and now fully recognizes me as a Grandmaster O'Dai Shihan Soke, which is sweet. He says im a prodigy and that i have Bruce Lee's spirit in me. Can you believe that? That is so badass. Sometimes i lay awake in bed at night and wonder if its in my destiny to be the greatest badass this world has ever seen. I'm definitely getting there fast enough, i just have to keep working.
Newayz, its time for this badass to go to bed. Later Diary.
PS: What would you think about having a black and red cover? I know your Dragonball Z cover is getting old and ragged.
Day 214
Dear Diary,
Okay, now im pissed. I walked out to my car this morning to grab my Final Fantasy game off the backseat, only to find my windows busted out and my car spray painted with gay shit like "Ninja fag" and "Stealth Fairy". I know its those kickboxing assholes. This means war. I'm taking it to the body shop and having the windows replaced with bulletproof glass. That way they can't bust out my windows with rocks or BB's or shins or whatever they used. I'm also working on a formula for invisible paint. The formula looks promising on paper, and its gonna be sweeter than Elton John in a tub of maple syrup if i can roll up on those kickboxer h0m0s and pelt them with shurikens out of thin air. I tried...i really did. I really wanted them to realize just what kind of danger they were toying with, but they didn't want to see it. Now it's my turn. Houses will be TP'd and dogs will be raped, mark my words. I've broken out my camouflage uniform, and all my smoke bombs. I took my annointed sword out of hiding, and i sharpened all my caltrops and made a ton of new pepper bombs. D34th is coming, and it rides on a horse called Danzig Ryu Ninjitsu.
I'll keep you updated as the carnage ensues, Diary.
Day 216
Dear Diary,
I've been on the battlfield for two days now. I snuck into the Muay Thai gym and stole the instructor's Rolodex with all the students' names and addresses in it. It was pretty sweet too...i disguised myself as a computer tech and told the assistant instructor that the main instructor called me while he was on vacation and told me to come out and have a look at his computer. He totally bought it...what a dope. Of course i had to don a fake mustache and glasses, which was pretty cool.
I went to the top student's apartment first. I took a massive dump on his patio and wrote all over his Honda with a sharpie. I was gonna bust his windows out just like mine were, but he had a car-alarm sticker in the window. I thought about maybe disabling it with EMP from a Chi Pulse, but that would have shut down the power on that entire block, so i kept it Ninja. He's probably h3lla pissed right now. I drew big pictures of dicks all over his car.
I went to a couple of other students houses, did the same thing to their cars. I raided their trash, too. I managed one more dump that went on one of their windshields. That was pretty w1cked. They all got notes stuck to their doors with Shurikens that said "Respect tha N1nja".
I've got many more houses to hit up, but i've gotta teach class and get some sleep. Keep it Ninja, diary.
PS: The black and Red cover looks much better.
Day 217
Dear Diary,
Progress has been slightly halted. I visited one of the guys' house last night who owned a doberman. Yeah, those dogs are badass. As soon as the novacaine wears off im gonna take a pic of the stitches and post it on Myspace. I can't really sit down right now, and walking is kinda hard, so im gonna take a few days off and hit the warzone again when my ass doesn't feel like gnawed ham.
Keep it Ninja, Diary.
Day 224
Dear Diary,
Im able to walk again, which is cool. The doctor said the doberman severed a nerve in my ass, which accounts for a dead spot. There's absolutely no feeling there, so if i catch a shuriken there, or a shin or whatever...it's all good! Maybe i should get the doctor to sever nerves all over my body so i don't feel pain. That'd be cool, but i think it would be better to just build my chi and withstand pain. I continued my Ninjery path of carnage yesterday. I visited 3 more students. I took a dump on the first student's porch and used the turd to write "Don't fuck with Ninjas" on his front door. He's probably STILL scrubbing on that door. haha. I put sugar in the gas tank of the second student, which was kinda hard cuz i had to use my Ninjato to pry the locking gas cap off. He's probably wondering why his car is fucked up right now. What a t00l. The 3rd student was particularly interesting. I recognized his car, he was one of the assholes who put me in the hospital. I stuffed two of my mom's dildos in his tailpipe, cut the cable on his Direct TV satellite dish, and planted this old crack pipe i found behind the dojo in his car. I called the cops on him today..hehe. I told them to search his car cuz he tried to sell me some crack. 0wn4ge!!
It was pretty easy to do all this, but i got back to my car several blocks down to find that i had a fucking parking ticket. I cannot win...i swear. This world is no longer made for Ninjas. Christians don't get persecuted this damn much. But i will carry on....i will keep it Ninja until i die.
I wrote a rap song today, Diary. Wanna read it? Here goes...
"Strictly for my Ninjas"
I was framed, so don't make the same mistake, ninja
You gotta learn how to shake the snakes, ninja
Cause the shadow demons love to break a ninja
Send em upstate cause they straight-up hate the ninja
So what I do is get a crew of zoo ninjas
Straight fools into rules and do ninjas
And one-time had enough of me
I'm still raw so the law can't fuck with me
They wanna kick me in the shin, punk picture that
I stay strapped motherfuckers better get your ninjato
It ain't easy bein me I can't take it
Life as a Ninja Grandmaster ain't everything they make it
And ever since the movies, these hoes try to do me
If they can't screw me, they find a way to sue me
Now can you picture me coolin, at a dojo?
Nothin but love, but motherfuckers wanna mean mug
Since I wear a lot of black, they plot
Don't know what I got, and get shot with the shurikens
And aww yeah, I wanna feel guilty
but you punk motherfuckers tried to milk me
You'll get smacked behind the hill with my phone on my pager
It's beepin while I cut you with my razor-sharp katana
I'm not violent, i'm Ninja and i deserve this
I got no mercy for these ninjas tryin to serve us
But if you catch me outta pocket, then I'm got
You love to kick a ninja but you scared to pop a cop
Now drop it
Strictly for my - strictly for my - strictly for my ninjaz
Strictly for my - strictly for my - strictly for my ninjaz
Strictly for my - strictly for my - strictly for my ninjaz
Strictly for my ninjaz makin C's
Peace, Ninja.
PRetty good, eh Diary? I might just become the world's first rapping Ninja. That would be h3lla w1cked. Get my tabi customized with Gucci logos and shit. Anyway, i got work to do. Keep it Ninja, Diary.
Day 234
Dear Diary,
Here i sit in my cell at the county jail. The cops raided my dojo and found "evidence". Plus they compared DNA samples from my turds to the ones at the crime scenes. It was really embarassing, cuz they made me go into a little tiny room and take a dump into a bowl. I'm supposed to spend 2 weeks here, but im busting out. I've been building my chi in order to soften my bones where i can slip thru the bars. My cell-mate is named Jarvis, but they call him "Power in the Shower". I dunno why.
He's pretty quiet. Whacks off a lot at night, though. It gets kinda uncomfortable because the "fap fap!" sound gets so loud that it sometimes wakes me up out of a dead sleep. I can't wait to get out of here. My students write me letters, and one of them even sent me some shurikens and blinding powder, but the guards caught it before it even got to me. Assholes. I left D1abl0 in charge at the dojo. Luckily the cops didn't close it down. I have to pay restitution damages to the Muay Thai students, which isn't a big deal. I still got my point across. I'm spending most of my time here beginning work on the Danzig Ryu Ninjitsu Training Manual. It's gonna be totally sweet when im finished, and im gonna publish it.
Well, it's chow time. I'll write more later on. Keep it Ninja, Diary.
PS: I hope i get a chance to test my skillz here against some real hardened criminals.There's a guy a few cells over from me who's in for ripping the tag off his mattress who has been mean mugging me since i got here. We might rumble eventually.
Day 234 (cont'd)
Dear Diary,
I just found out why they call Jarvis "Power in the Shower". Fucker tried to assrape me in the showers not half an hour ago! If those guards hadn't came in to pull him off, i was getting ready to stop his heart with a dim mak. The moved us to separate cells. They moved me down to a cell right across from Mattress guy, and he's mean mugging me even as i write this. Things could get ugly at lunch time. I hope you don't mind if i take a piece of your cover and make a shank out of it. They wouldn't let me have a pencil, so that's why im writing in crayon. I'm about to go ninja all up in this bitch if they keep messing with me. Guard's coming, i'll write later.
Day 236
Dear Diary,
The training manual is coming along pretty well. I've got 10th kyu-1st kyu down. I've included all the stances including Kage no Kamae, Ville no Kamae, and a few more eclectic stances such as the Shadow Demon stance, the Squirrel stance, and the Weeping Emo stance.
As soon as im out of the slam, im gonna get my students together and take photos of the stances and techniques to be included in the manual. Then i'll get it published. That way, people all across the country can buy the book and learn Danzig Ryu Ninjitsu and not even have to come train in person. Pretty soon i'll have a legion of Ninjas. So the next time some asshole tries to get smart on the internet and says i won't do anything and gives me his address to call my bluff, i can call one of my clan members nearest him and have them go fuck his shit up.
Mattress guy is still mean-mugging me. He claims that he's not, and that he just has a facial muscular condition that causes him to look that way, but i know a mean-mugger when i see one. I'm gonna break my tabi off in his ass soon enough.
Anyway, i didn't have much to write about today. I've been in this cell all day, cuz i got my exercise-yard time revoked for the day after the guards found the shank i made from your cover. No matter. I've conditioned my hands to cut like knives with a good chi strike anyway.
Lunch is here. Keep it Ninja.
Day 255
Dear Diary,
I'm out of the slammer now. It was a good lesson learned and an experience i won't forget. I wonder how many people are gonna be scared of me now that they know im a hardened criminal. haha. I've been working with Sensei for the past two days on some sweet new katas for my ryu. There's this one that i came up with, that's like, 83 moves long. Ha....that's gonna be hard to master right there. I've already mastered it cuz i cre8ted it, of course. Shortly before i got sent up, i left my car at the body shop and had all those mods done to it that i talked about earlier. It's so badass now. All the kunoichi bitches will be on my jock in a heartbeat as soon as this baby hits the town on Friday night. I'm still working on that formula for invisible paint, though. I told Di4bl0 that it was gonna look w1cked when i perfected the invisible paint and he's all like "How can something look w1cked if you cant see it?" Pssh.....amateur blackbelts....always missing the true meaning behind words. He'll learn one day. The Muay Thai gym has moved to the next town over. I guess they just couldn't handle the heat. h0m0s. Anyway, its time for me to turn in. Keep it Ninja...
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