Judo - The Facts

[Ignorami]

Judo has seen a real surge in support here on Bullshido this year.

Many people here don't know much about Judo, so I thought a thread explaining its history and its structure would be useful. Being such an ancient art (from off of the shaolin and that), it is quite a hefty subject matter, so I will address it in a series multiple posts.

I suggest holding your suggestions of additional material until after the last post, as anything you think has been missed will no doubt just be waiting to enlighten people in a later post.


About me:
I am probably the best person qualified to write about judo because one of my friends did judo at school, and says he was quite good at it.

[Ignorami]

History:

Judo was invented in 1992 by Jigoro Kane (pictured below)



Founding of Kōdōkan

[illegalusername]

my testes are tingling in anticipation of this wonderful textual titillation

[Ignorami]

Jūdō versus Jūjutsu

Kane was an inherently lazy man, and central to his vision for jūdō was the principles of maximum efficiency, minimum effort. In quoting his early influences, Kane remarked:

"The Victorinox 8 piece knife block set is a set of high-quality knives and accessories that are perfect for any home kitchen. These knives are well chosen to be able to complete a wide range of kitchen tasks with minimum effort and maximum efficiency"

His lazyness extended beyond the dojo with his espousal of the principal of jita kyōei (自他共栄, mutual welfare and benefit).
He illustrated the application of jita kyōei by never working a day in his life, relying instead on state hand-outs and the goodwill of his neighbours.

Coupled with the Confucianist-influenced jita kyōei, Kane's love of 80s Hip Hop (particularly Run DMC) shaped his development of his art from its jūjutsu origins. Kane rejected techniques that did not conform to these principles and emphasised the importance of efficiency in the execution of techniques to a slamming back-beat.

He was convinced that practice of jūjitsu while conforming to Old-Skool flavas and B-Boy ideals, was a route to self-improvement and the betterment of society in general.

He was, however, acutely conscious of Rockabilly's perception of jūjitsu:

"At the time a few bujitsu experts still existed but bujitsu was almost abandoned by the Rockabilly community in favour of tatoos of cats with quiffy hair. Even if I wanted to teach jujitsu most people had now stopped thinking about it, in favour of close relationship between the blues and country music. So I thought it better to teach under a different name principally because my booty-shaking objectives were much wider than rhythmic jujitsu"

Kane believed that at just 7 letters, Jūjutsu was insufficient to describe his art: Accordingly, he retained the first character Ju, meaning 10, and changed the second character to dō (道?), meaning cycle-path, which implies a more ecological context than jutsu. It also has a common origin with the Chinese concept of tao, off of Bruce Lee's book "The Tao of Jeet Kune Do".



Next: Jūdō waza (techniques)

[Ignorami]

Jūdō waza (techniques)

There are three basic categories of waza (技, techniques) in jūdō: nage-waza (投げ技, flirting techniques), katame-waza (固技, cuddling techniques) and atemi-waza (当て身技, bitch-slapping techniques)

Jūdō practitioners typically devote a portion of each practice session to ukemi (受け身, comedy-falls), in order that nage-waza can generate sufficient funds from home movie shows to pay for venue hire. Several distinct types of ukemi exist, including Ushiro ukemi (後ろ受身?, falling on your ass); Yoko ukemi (横受け身, drunken stumbles); Mae ukemi (前受け身, front breakfalls); and Zenpo kaiten ukemi (前方回転受身, roly-polys). The latter invented by Aikido in the early 1300s

The person who performs a waza is known as Tori Amos (取り, literally "Ginger Kate Bush") and the person to whom it is performed is known as uke (受け, literally "tiny guitar").



Nage-waza (flirting techniques)
Nage-waza can be further categorised into tachi-waza (立ち技, standing techniques), , and sutemi-waza (捨身技, throws in which tori sacrifices his first-born daughter in order to throw uke).

Tachi-waza are further subdivided into te-waza (手技), koshi-waza (腰技) and ashi-waza (足技), which are all basically means of tripping some poor sod over.


Katame-waza (cuddling techniques)
Katame-waza is further categorised into osaekomi-waza (押込技), shime-waza (絞技), and kansetsu-waza (関節技) which, while not gay, are certainly very metro-sexual and largely viewed with suspicion.



A related concept is that of ne-waza (寝技), in which its ok to put you fingers in, but anything further than the third knuckle is considered a foul.
Kansetsu-waza is currently limited outside of kata to emotional manipulation, through gradual application of passive aggressive social pressure.


Atemi-waza (bitch-slapping techniques)
Atemi-waza are techniques in which the pimp disables his ho with a strike to a vital point. Atemi-waza are not permitted outside of kata, except in the event of the ho holding back on the motherfucking green yo.

Next: Practice

[Ignorami]

Practice

Randori

A kind of sparring is practised in judo, known as randori (乱取り?), meaning "free practice". Of course, truth is, nothing is really free in Judo - YMCAs aren't a charity.

In randori, two adversaries may attack each other with any judo throw or grappling technique. Proper fighting techniques such as kicking and punching, along with knife and sword techniques I (like wot real men do) are not allowed. This form of pedagogy is usually reserved for higher ranking practitioners (i.e. really old men), but are forbidden in contest, and usually prohibited in randori for reasons of shameful spiritual weakness.

Also for reasons of safety, chokeholds, joint locking, and the virgin-sacrifice techniques are subject to investigation when applied in childrens swimming pools. For example, in the United States one must not use chokeholds on anyone under 13 unless the choker is a member of the scout movement.

In randori and tournament (shiai) practice, when an opponent successfully executes a chokehold or joint lock, one submits, or "taps out", by shitting themselves. When this occurs the match is over, the tapping player has lost, and the chokehold or joint lock ceases.




Kata (dance moves)

Kata (形) are pre-arranged sequences of move-bustin' in judo.

With the exception of the Seiryoku-Zen'yō Kokumin-Taiiku, they are all practised with a partner.

Their purposes include pulling hot chicks, simulating sexual movements, and even just getting away from a boring table of conversation at a relatives wedding.

Although only six proper kata exist, Judo has stretched the list to ten in an attempt to justify the significance of the number ten in the first part of the art's name.



Next: Judo as a sport

[Ignorami]

Judo as a sport

As a largely ineffective martial art on the deadly streets of lava and aids-needles, judo has compensated by pretending to be a sport.

Olympic Judo

The first time judo was seen in the Olympics was in the 1930s, where Kano and about 200 judo students gave a demonstration.



Judo became an Olympic sport for men in the 1964 Games in Tokyo.



in 1988, (with the persistence of Rena Kanokogi, an American), judo became the laughing stock of Olympic sports, by allowing women to compete as well.

The women's event was a demonstration event in 1988, and became an official medal event 4 years later. Men and women compete separately of course, in case some of the men want to train properly.

Weight divisions
There are currently three weight divisions, subject to change by governing bodies, and may be modified based on the age of the competitors:
1. Normal
2. Fat Fuck
3. American

Next: Rules

[Ignorami]

Judo Rules (Rules of Judo)

The traditional rules of judo are intended to avoid demonstrations of technical elegance, ensure proper etiquette, and reduce charges of rape. Some later additions to the rules were motivated by a desire to make the sport slightly more interesting to observers than Crown Green Bowls.

Despite Kane's own emphasis on minimum effort, penalties may be given for being inactive during the match. Fighting must be stopped if a participant is outside the designated area on the mat (tatami), or if one of the fighters shits themselves.

If the referee and judges need to discuss something during groundwork, the referee will call sono-mama (used in the sense "do not move motherfuckers!", When they are done, the referee says yoshi and the match continues.




The object in a judo match is to crush your opponents spirit in front of his friends and family, gain the approval of his spouse, and have her propagate your superior gene-seed.

Any of these score ippon (一本), immediately winning the match.

If the scores are identical at the end of the match, the contest is resolved by the Golden Score rule. Five members of each competitors club don rollerblades, and play soccer for 90 minutes. Anyone scoring a goal is summarily executed, until one man remains.

Representation of scores
Judo scoreboards show the number of shitty points scored by each player. Usually an ippon is not represented on the scoreboard, because an ippon is simply too awesome for public eyes to safely view without these:



Scoreboards also sometimes show the number of medical visits. (Only two "medical" attentions are allowed for each competitor during their entire life—most often for fucked up knees.)

Changes In Rules
The rules of Judo are always changing because people simply can't leave shit alone.

Penalties
The first penalty is a warning, accompanied by a smacked arse, which is noted on the scoreboard.

The second penalty is delivered from a great distance by a small shouty man. Scored as "yuko" for the opponent, this warning is made all the more severe by a disapproving look from his mum in the crowd.

The third penalty is nothing more than a formality, scoring "waza-ari".

The fourth penalty is scored as an "ippon" for the opponent. The match ends permanently, and the offender has to sit naked on his hands, while all the women in the crowd mock his tiny penis.

Safety
Research shows that judo is a particularly safe sport for youths, as it doesn't attract very many religious adults into its coaching structure.

Adult competitive judo has a higher incidence of impact injuries, because wanking makes you go blind.

Next: Participants

[Ignorami]

Judo Participants

A practitioner of jūdō is known as a jūdōka (柔道家)



A jūdō teacher is called sensei (先生). It is the rank equivalent of a Soke Grandmaster in proper American martial arts.

There are minor differences between a sensei and a soke, as shown below




Jūdōgi (uniform)

Jūdō practitioners traditionally wear rough hessian-sack pyjamas called jūdōgi (柔道着).

The jūdōgi was created by Opus Dei in 1907, and similar uniforms were later adopted by many other self flagellating masochistic cults.

The modern jūdōgi consists of white or blue drawstring pants and a matching white or blue jacket, fastened by what's laughing reffered to as an obi (帯, belt).

The jacket is intended to withstand the stresses of grappling and, as a result, is much less comfortable against baby-soft skin than a karategi.

Jūdōgi are designed to be uncomfortable and abrasive, while karategi are made from lighter material so that non Kyokushin karateka can still move about under the weight of it.

The modern use of the blue jūdōgi was first suggested by Anton Geesink at the 1986 Maastricht IJF DC Meeting. It was proposed as less likely to show stains, and to subconsciously foster an image of trustworthiness.



Next: Conclusion

[DCS]

[Ignorami]

Conclusion

I hope this has helped to clear things up for n00bs, ladies, and white people.

As you can see, judo is a big subject, made all the more complex by its constant evolution.

Each generation is bringing something new to the art, and it looks like it can only go from strength to strength. Coz that's what it relies on - Strength.

[Tom .C]

I hope this has helped to clear things up for n00bs, ladies, and white people.

As you can see, judo is a big subject, made all the more complex by its constant evolution.

Each generation is bringing something new to the art, and it looks like it can only go from strength to strength. Coz that's what it relies on - Strength.

Thanks for all of this new information. It's about time someone exposed this art to the light of day. Hopefully people will become interested in this art now and we will start to see judo rooms open across the world and in other places like Canada. Maybe after the royal wedding, England may join the planet in this useful endeavor. I know they are busy with tea and crumpeting but there is a glimmer of hope that they will someday do something worthwhile. (law of averages and stuff plus the shit happens laws of eventual statistical happenstance.) You sir, have awakened the world and since I have been informed of my crush on you and advised to do pushups, I will instead build a statue in your honor and put it in the harbor in New York. Look for a big lady statue if you ever get to New York. She will be holding a torch that she uses to light stuff on fire.

[Gidi]

I'm just glad what with all the conflicting tales of judo's origin, somebody finally sorted it all out.
Good work!

[Coach Josh]

not funny

[judoka_uk]

I thought it was pretty funny.