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Who's been banned from pax baculum

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    I downloaded Mr Elmore's radio interview from Pax Baculum the other day, and Phil's sweet little voice reminded me of the character "Reed" in an old (yet charming) radio skit from GTA3, which I just happen to have stumbled across a transcript of. Their voices sound earily similiar I think.

    Seg 23 - Reed Tucker
    (Reed speaks with a lisp. Lazlow imitates this lisp sometimes.)

    Lazlow: "Alright, now joining us in the studio, we have a very special
    guest, his new book 'Karate and Digestion' has been on top of
    the 100 best self-help books for the past three weeks. He is the
    founder of 'Now and Zen' dojo and organic food market in
    Trenton, his name is Reed Tucker...welcome to Chatterbox, Reed!"

    Reed: "Why thank you Lazlow, it certainly is an honour to be here

    Lazlow: "So tell me Reed, where did you think of the idea of combining
    martial arts and organic food, I..I mean it's kinda like putting
    ice-cream on pizza, both are great but they really shouldn't be
    put together."

    Reed: "Okay Lazlow, actually it is nothing like ice-cream with pizza,
    ice-cream is milk-based as we all know, and I am lactose
    intolerant, and pizza, as you may know as well is a sandwich
    derivative of Italian origin, but I won't go on. Martial arts are
    about discipline, and physical empowerment, not watching football
    and eating junk-food. You have to explore your mind and your
    digestive system, Lazlow. What you put in...also comes out."

    Lazlow: "Heh...especially corn, wh..what's the story with that anyway?"

    Reed: "Lazlow, I'm deadly serious now. My mentor was a 430 year old
    monk, who showed me the way to enlightenment...through carrot

    Lazlow: "Okay...if you have a question for Reed, we'll be taking calls in
    a little bit. I think we all went through a ninja period, you
    know, I had the Chinese stars, and the nunchucks....."

    Reed: "...this is not a period, Lazlow!! This is the way of life! Thanks
    to a strict vegen diet, I have the power of nine men. After
    morning meditation and a three-bean salad, I could chop a bus in
    half! Sometimes...I even frighten myself!"

    Lazlow: " offence, but you're kind of a scrawny, pasty dude,
    it...and it says on the inside cover of your book that you still
    live in your parent's basement!"

    Reed: "Okay,'s not a basement! I prefer a center for spiritual
    enlightenment. In chapter 17 of my book, which I know you have
    read, I address the dangers of cynicism. Lazlow, a closed mind is
    like a closed fist! And karate means 'open hand!' But it might as
    well mean 'open mind.' If you like wheat-grass, I think you will
    really like my book."

    Lazlow: "Well, I'm not a masticating cow, but I really don't enjoy
    chewing damp hay, and prancing around in leggings shouting 'hi-

    Reed: "Okay Lazlow, I'm warning you this not make me angry! It's
    bad for my karma, and it will definitely be bad for your karma. I
    studied the martial arts so I could stand up to bullies just like
    you! And I encourage everyone listening out there on Chatterbox to
    buy my book, and learn how organic food and martial arts can help
    you, too!"

    Lazlow: "Eh-heh...and I encourage anyone who needs a doorstop, or booster
    seat to buy it as well! Let's see who's on the phones."
    Reed: "Lazlow, this is your final not make me go into
    my...dragon stance!!"

    Lazlow: "Hehh...hello caller, you are on the air."

    Caller: "Hello Reed, I bought your book, it really saved my life."

    Reed: "Why thank you."

    Caller: "I wanted to ask about chapter 29 - yoga, not yogurt - I just
    can't give up's sooo wonderful! I've rejected
    chocolate milk and calf's butter out of my life, I've scooted
    around the house with my legs in behind my head for 2 days now.
    Well my husband says I look like the chick in The Exorcist. I
    even put all the dairy on the top shelf in my fridge, so I
    couldn't reach it with my legs in behind my legs an' all, but I
    grow week and start knocking things down with a broom. What can
    I do, Reed?"

    Reed: "Do not fret my child, we are all weak."

    Lazlow: "Heh-eh you certainly are!"

    Reed: "Shut up you carnivore, why don't you go gnaw on a bone like a
    gorilla Lazlow! Our ancestors didn't eat chicken wings, they lived
    at one with nature and their eco-system. Existing on a diet of
    nuts, berries and leafy vegetables."

    Lazlow: "Heheh yes, and they threw stones at their own shadow and died
    of old-age and fear at 24!"

    Reed: "Lazlow...the soul is eternal. When I'm in trouble, or tempted by
    those all-you-can-eat breakfast buffets with huge pans of juicy

    Lazlow: "Can we get some bacon in here!?!"

    Reed: "Hhhehh. Lazlow, I go back to basics. I start the day with a
    fruity beverage, some meditation and six hours of yoga. Next I go
    open up my shop 'Now and Zen,' and drink two pints of hand-pressed
    potato juice."

    Lazlow: "And who wants a steak after that?! Okay next caller, you are on
    Chatterbox with Reed Tucker."

    Caller: "Yo Reed, kung-fu movies are dope! How can I learn to beat up 10
    guys at once?"

    Reed: "Okay, first things first, my man. You need to stop the negative
    thinking. And the best attack I've found is to just run away. That
    way you instill fear in you opponent. They never know when you
    might descend from the rafters...LIKE A BAT!!!"

    Caller: "I don't want to hear about no tofu running away. I want to
    learn how to be a ninja, kicking people's arses!"

    Reed: "Actually I do cover this early on in the book, in chapter 45.
    It's called 'Stir-fry your Prejudice.' You see, I once thought
    like you before my master took me under his wing and taught me the
    joys of soy and origami. Concentration begins in the mind, and
    spreads to all the extremities of the body. You must use the
    language of the body, not the tongue! And the language of the body
    begins with raw, uncooked, organic vegetables. Just look at me, I
    could tear a phone-book in half with my bear toes! In fact,
    Lazlow, I could easily chop this desk into two half-desks!!"

    Lazlow: "This desk is made of two inch thick composite wood pulp, and
    has a mahogany-veneer finish, it has three draws and, knowing
    this station cost a hundred dollars. In his own words Reed
    Tucker is about to smash it into two half desks! Take it away

    Reed: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have already visualized the desk in two
    half desks, and now, I shall make it so! Dragon stance...HHIII-
    YAA...OOOHW...OOW LAZLOW, OOH LAZLOW...I think I hurt my hand!!
    pinky's all bent the wrong way!"

    Lazlow: <mocking> "Listen karate kid...the desk is still in one piece,
    thanks for coming on the show!" </mocking>

    Reed: "Okay Lazlow, mockery will get you nowhere! I think I'm gonna hit
    you now!!"

    Lazlow: <mocking> "Ohh...I bruise easily, don't throw any tofus or bean
    curds at me!" </mocking>

    Reed: "Okay very funny Lazlow, it's easy to make fun of me but it's all
    the fault of the feng-shui in here, it's damn right disgraceful!"

    Lazlow: <mocking> "Yes it makes you talk like this! Okay, the listener
    lines are open, this is Chatterbox." </mocking>
    Last edited by Fluffy; 9/29/2005 3:29pm, .


      lol haha




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