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For the parents...advice needed

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  • Ronin
    replied
    Hmmm...

    Interesting situation.

    If your kid believes he went overboard with his "self defence" than, he should apologise for THAT and nothing else.
    "Hey man, sorry I went VanDamme on your ass, and particular reason why you slapped me?"


    How the other kid reacts will then dictate what happens next.

    Now, if the other kids is already planning a beatdown, well chances are nothing thats gonna be said will change that, but he has to try.
    If they gang up on him, well, all he can do is fight back or run, the choice is his.

    Leave a comment:


  • Mr. Mantis
    replied
    Originally posted by Anthony
    First post since Wilma.

    Are some of you fuckers out of your mind?

    This is the time to instill the killer instinct in your children.

    I live by better to be tried by 12 than carried by 6. My children know this and I have drilled it into them since they were 4 and were bullied and attcked by kids their age.

    I guess some of you are white, or fit right in. For those of us who are different, it's a whole another story. We get picked on because of race, size, weight, whatever. You do not back down from this, at any age.

    Hit first, hit hard, and run fast. My children do not live in fear. In fact, my son has walked away from more fights than he's been in. Having a twin sister who is just as good in BJJ as he is helps even out the situation.

    My advice, do not teach your child to fear what he is capable of, or fear being himself.

    "There exists a law, not written down anywhere but inborn in our heart; a law that comes to us not by training or custom or reading but from nature itself, if our lives are endangered, any and every method of protecting ourselves is morally right."
    -Roman Orator Cicero
    Allow me to quote Mr. G. Gordon Liddy, who, had a similar philosophy, which I agree with whole-heartedly:
    There are no rules. There can be no restraint. Kill them or they kill you. This mindset is revealed neatly in the advice he gave to his children from the time they were toddlers. He told them to start fights or they would be beaten. When the kids' school explained that they had a strict non-violence policy, Liddy replied, "In the late 1930s French children were taught that philosophy while German kids were taught to be fierce in battle. Given the destruction of the numerically superior French armies by the Wehrmacht in about thirty days, I prefer the German approach. The school will just have to live with it."

    Leave a comment:


  • Pandinha
    replied
    First post since Wilma.

    Are some of you fuckers out of your mind?

    This is the time to instill the killer instinct in your children.

    I live by better to be tried by 12 than carried by 6. My children know this and I have drilled it into them since they were 4 and were bullied and attcked by kids their age.

    I guess some of you are white, or fit right in. For those of us who are different, it's a whole another story. We get picked on because of race, size, weight, whatever. You do not back down from this, at any age.

    Hit first, hit hard, and run fast. My children do not live in fear. In fact, my son has walked away from more fights than he's been in. Having a twin sister who is just as good in BJJ as he is helps even out the situation.

    My advice, do not teach your child to fear what he is capable of, or fear being himself.

    "There exists a law, not written down anywhere but inborn in our heart; a law that comes to us not by training or custom or reading but from nature itself, if our lives are endangered, any and every method of protecting ourselves is morally right."
    -Roman Orator Cicero

    Leave a comment:


  • Quikfeet509
    replied
    My grandpa always said "...never apologize if you are right." It is a good moto to live by.

    Similar to what Lawdog said, it is difficult to determine if your son went overboard. He reacted to being attacked. Unless proven otherwise, he was the victim. In seventh grade, I got in a fight with one of my former friends. I blocked his punch and had the opportunity to knock him around, but I turned and walked away because I thought that was the right thing to do. So then I got slammed on my head. I think the outcome of your son's fight is much better than mine.








    My grandpa also said "...never trust a man that doesn't drink." Although he was an alcoholic, it too is a good piece of advice.

    Leave a comment:


  • Jitsuman
    replied
    The only logical solution is a family royal rumble.

    Glass coated hand wraps like in bloodsport.

    Leave a comment:


  • lawdog
    replied
    Originally posted by Peter H.
    Ah, sounds like High School all over again.

    Your son just learned the most important lesson of a physical confrontation at school: Escalation.

    From the description of what happened, your son went overboard and retaliated as opposed to defending himself or getting away.

    That said, I would tell the other kids parents that their son started the fight by assaulting your son, and is now making threats to him at school and assembling a gang to seek retaliation against your son. I wouldn't even consider the option of assisting with dental bill until they put a curb on their own child's activities, as they constitute a felony in most places, while your son's actions where not a crime, or misdemeanor assault at most.

    And even then, no way I'm paying the whole bill, I'll split it with them, and if they don't like it, they can talk to my John Malcovich looking lawyer about my lawsuit for assualting my kid and the mental trauma that has resulted from it.
    I agree with all of this except the notion that he went overboard. We have no idea if that's true. Force escalation has to do with using the necessary level of force (and no more) to neutralize the threat. Having not been there, it's impossible to know whether the reaction was appropriate or not. If the details provided are accurate, I'd say that he quite likely reacted appropriately, but once again, it's impossible for any of us to make that call.

    From a legal perspective, as well as a philosophical one, I wholeheartedly agree with the comments regarding the dental bill. The other kid slapped/punched or otherwise attacked your son and your son defended himself. Why in the world would you pay for that kids dental bill? If the details you've provided are accurate, it would make no sense for you to contribute anything towards that bill.

    However, if you want to, as a gesture of good faith, offer to pay half of the bill, make damn good and sure that you make it perfectly clear that your paying a portion of that bill should in no way represent an admission of liability.

    Leave a comment:


  • G.R. Bug
    replied
    My son is 3 1/2, so right now his scraps with other kids are pretty much limited to pushing, hair-pulling and sitting on each other. But I know I'm going to be dealing with more serious stuff one day.

    Here are a couple of thoughts that went through my mind -- I'm not saying you need to post answers here on the board, but you might want to think about them:

    * Why did the two boys have a falling-out in the first place? If there's some ongoing problem that can be "fixed," you might need to address that as part of this overall situation.

    * Why did your son deal out as much violence as he did? Was he just really scared? Does he have a grudge against the other boy? Does he have anger-control issues? Depending on the answer, you may have to choose different routes to help your son prevent future incidents.

    * Do you have any sense of how likely it is that your son will actually be jumped by a group of kids? If the other boy's parents are reasonable people (and they seem to be), there's less chance their son is a budding thug. Boys with wounded egos tend to talk tough, and kids love to spread rumors.

    * Did you have a previous friendship or acquaintance with the other boy's parents? It seems to me that keeping or establishing good rapport with them is crucial, because they (presumably) have some influence over their son.

    Leave a comment:


  • Miguksaram
    replied
    On a side note, it's nice to know that what my kid is studying at our school can actually work for him. ;)

    Leave a comment:


  • Miguksaram
    replied
    Originally posted by whitematt
    I like the idea of a mediator.

    Call his family and arrange a meeting - parents and kids.

    That would be the time and place for your son to apologize. Then discuss the rumors that are circulating. Make it known that you don't want anyone else to be hurt - your son, their son, or any friends that may get involved. Let them know you only have the boys' best interest at heart.

    I would suggest buying a round to descalate the situation, but you did say they were 11. Offer to take their son out for pizza, bowling, a movie... something. If they have a good time together this whole thing will likely just go away.
    So a bottle of JD and some beer chasers aren't the right setting? ha.ha.ha.ha..

    I may end up calling the kid's parents so we can all sit down to see what is going on between them. We are good acquaintances with them. Well at least before all of this started.

    Leave a comment:


  • Miguksaram
    replied
    Originally posted by strongbad
    Tell your kid to learn how to get along without hitting others.
    Most kids go through their entire lives without getting in fist fights.

    But if you must teach him how to defend himself enroll him in a wrestling or Judo program where he can learn a more nuanced response to aggression.
    My kid gets along with just about everyone. He is the shy type for the most part, but is always out to make friends. Straight A student, who gets reported by his teachers as always trying to help others in his class. The weird part of it is the kid who hit him used to be his best friend. They were both always at each other's house. This is his first "enemy" that he has ever had. Which is why he is so upset about it. The only reason why he struck at him was because the kid came at him first. As for the Judo, he does know some throws and locks that I have taught him (which are HKD and yudo based).

    Leave a comment:


  • Peter H.
    replied
    Ah, sounds like High School all over again.

    Your son just learned the most important lesson of a physical confrontation at school: Escalation.

    From the description of what happened, your son went overboard and retaliated as opposed to defending himself or getting away.

    That said, I would tell the other kids parents that their son started the fight by assaulting your son, and is now making threats to him at school and assembling a gang to seek retaliation against your son. I wouldn't even consider the option of assisting with dental bill until they put a curb on their own child's activities, as they constitute a felony in most places, while your son's actions where not a crime, or misdemeanor assault at most.

    And even then, no way I'm paying the whole bill, I'll split it with them, and if they don't like it, they can talk to my John Malcovich looking lawyer about my lawsuit for assualting my kid and the mental trauma that has resulted from it.
    Last edited by Peter H.; 11/04/2005 10:34am, .

    Leave a comment:


  • Miguksaram
    replied
    Originally posted by CMS
    Yup. Focus on ending the shit, not who started it. He's already sent the message that he's not someone to be triffled with. Apologizing is a lot less trouble than dealing with the bs.
    I attend to agree in all. Did my son over react? I really can't say. I am basing it off what he told me which was the friend attacked him first with a couple of swings. I really wanted him to figure out what to do on his own in dealing with this problem. I told him that I would only get involved if he wanted me to. Last night is when he asked me to tell the school about the threat. I didn't want to
    be the parent who rats out the other kids. However, he wanted me to inform the school of the situation so that shows that he isn't the violent type looking to get into more shit.

    Leave a comment:


  • strongbad
    replied
    Tell your kid to learn how to get along without hitting others.
    Most kids go through their entire lives without getting in fist fights.

    But if you must teach him how to defend himself enroll him in a wrestling or Judo program where he can learn a more nuanced response to aggression.

    Leave a comment:


  • whitematt
    replied
    I like the idea of a mediator.

    Call his family and arrange a meeting - parents and kids.

    That would be the time and place for your son to apologize. Then discuss the rumors that are circulating. Make it known that you don't want anyone else to be hurt - your son, their son, or any friends that may get involved. Let them know you only have the boys' best interest at heart.

    I would suggest buying a round to descalate the situation, but you did say they were 11. Offer to take their son out for pizza, bowling, a movie... something. If they have a good time together this whole thing will likely just go away.

    Leave a comment:


  • dramaboy
    replied
    Originally posted by miguksaram
    I've already told them that they must be scared of him if the only way they can come at him is with a group. I also told him not to fight the group but to fight them one at a time, if it went down.
    Like he'll have a choice!!??

    I'd get together with the other guys parents. You, your son and the parents. Your son will say that he's sorry, that he realizes he went too far and that it won't happen again.
    I wouldn't go into details of who started what, it's all second hand information. What counts is the tooth.

    I'm sure the other guy's parents will view him differently if he bring himself to do it.

    As for the threat, kids will fight, you can't prevent it. It's all about domination, there's no real danger. I'd make sure he knows it's ok (and actually that it's SMART) to run away when shit starts to happen.

    Good luck, my older son is 7, I'm heading your way here:))

    Tomas

    Leave a comment:

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