This is a list of games that people should buy or emulate because I like them and everything I say is unquestionable fact. Renting these games would be stupid because you'll enjoy them too much and want to keep them. I organized it into convenient categories based on the target audience, to help you decide which order you want to get these games in. If you know of some good video games that I forgot you can post about them toom unless you like Final Fantasy because then your opinion is worthless.
15-year-olds that wear shirts glorifying the NES and other systems made before they were born.
Mario
By "Mario", I mean the main series of platformers, and not the gimmick games like Dr. Mario. I haven't played those, to be honest, I just assumed they were crappy gimmicks.
Mario is an excellent series and there's not much I can say about it that people don't know about.
Contra
Contra is how you seperate your pussy friends from your manly friends. If you invite a friend to play Contra and he gives up after getting stomped on for his first continue, you know he's a crossdresser and you might as well stop being friends with him, so that you don't catch anything. Contra gives you 3 - 7 continues to beat the game. Every hit kills you and if you don't beat the game in seven continues you start over from the beginning.
Before anyone says, "Oh, Contra wasn't that hard", please remember that you lost your penis after using the extra lives cheat and no one cares about you anymore. Fucking pansy.
The game itself is a scrolling shooter. You get a manly character with a mullet (NOTE TO JAPANESE GAME DESIGNERS: THIS IS WHAT MALE HEROS SHOULD LOOK LIKE. THEY SHOULD BE HAIRY AND MASCULINE, NOT EQUALLY AS ATTRACTIVE AS THE WOMEN (I'M LOOKING AT YOU SQUARESOFT) and a machine gun, and you run around clearing everything from the level because they breathe. Or even if they don't breathe, it doesn't matter.
ProTip: In some of the Contras you can pose by holding down the two shoulder buttons. Do this whenver you've beaten a boss, or when the game is doing a short cutscene sort of thing. It looks really cool.
Uncharted Waters
This game is a little unusual, but all you need to know is that it lets you be a pirate. That's it, you're sold.
Uncharted Waters lets you pick a character, which affects what your sprite looks like and has some effect on your stats, which doesn't matter because they'll be high by the end of the game.
Your character is the captain of a ship (Or potentially a fleet of ships) in the 16th century. You can chose to act as either a merchant or a pirate, and to that end outfit your ships to be merchanteers or men-o-war. You start off with a shitty caravel and some spare change, and collect money by buying things at one port and selling at another, or by being a manly pirate and growing a beard. you can upgrade your ships, buy used ships, or comission new ships., with different ships having different advantages. Galleons are Xbox-sized and can hold a ton of cannons, but are slow and unsuitable for piracy because you can't keep up with other ships. Caravels or galleys are small and fast, and useful if you're a pussy and want to trade along the coast instead of taking to the high seas. You can sail completely around the world and anchor in major cities around the world. Different cities will have different prices for goods, as well as different ships availible for purchase. You can have a fleet of carracks, escorted by Japanese battleships, if your name is Wataru Akiyama and you think everything from Japan is superior.
ProTip: If you happen to emulate this game, you can abuse savestates and gamble at taverns, and make massive amount of money. I make a few hundred thousand in my first day, buy a large fleet, and pirate up the seas.
People who spent thousands of dollars on a Neo Geo
Samurai Shodown
A lot of people say Street Fighter is an excellent fighting game, which it isn't. Samurai Shodown is better. It's like Street fighter, with ninjas and swords and it doesn't suck.
Samurai Shodown, aside from being an excellent fighting game (With the exceptions of 3 and 5 if you're a purist (also virgin)
, earns this spot because Tachibana Ukyo is fuck awesome and has his own groupies that follow him around, which is pretty cool.
Metal Slug
Metal Slug is a lot like Contra, only with more guitars and you can actually beat the game. The gameplay is essentially the same, except there's a lot more vehichles to use, which range from tanks with machine guns to camels with machine guns to cars with machine guns to robots with machine guns to planes with machine guns to spaceships with machine guns. Some sections play a little differently, but the idea is the same; it's moving so it wants to kill you, but you're too manly to be killed.
Viewpont
An isometric shooter, unlike most other shooting games where you can dodge bullets, you can't dodge them in viewpoint BECAUSE THEY'RE SPRAYED ACROSS THE ENTIRE SCREEN. This game earns the Contra Seal of Difficulty because it took me 99 lives to reach level 4.
This game is even more straightforward than Contra. You're a spaceship with guns, shooting at aliens. You can get a power up that gives you these two littles discs to either side that also shoot lasers. That's the game.
Puzzle Bobble/Bust-a-Move
This is a puzzle game sort of like Tetris. Each field has these orbs hanging from the ceiling, and using a cannon manned by the fiercest dragons known to man, you shoot your own orbs at them. Orbs are different colors, and if three or more orbs of the same color touch, they'll explode. If other orbs were hanging off of them, they'll fall to the ground and be out of your way. The goal is to clear the field of orbs.
BUT AS YOU FIRE YOUR RAINBOW ORBS, THE CEILING STEADILY FALLS TO THE GROUND, IF ANY OF THE ORBS FALL BELOW A CERTAIN POINT YOU LOSE. CAN YOU CLEAR AWAY THE ORBS BEFORE YOUR FEARSOME DRAGONS ARE CRUSHED TO DEATH? NO, YOU CAN'T BECAUSE YOU SUCK.
Guilty Gear
This isn't actually a Neo Geo game, but it's a 2D fighter and I'm lazy.
Guilty Gear is a quick paced fighter with wacky characters and heavy metal. There's no need to say anything more because you all know what a fighting game looks like.
People who play Warcraft and wish they were playing a better game (I WENT THERE)
Civilization
This is the best strategy game of all time, and by best strategy game of all time I mean it's better than everything else.
Civilization is turn-based, meaning that everyone thinks it's boring and that Halo is better, which is wrong because Halo sucks. You take control of a civilization at 4000 BCE, and make it into a great empire. You manage your cities, what they build, what your citizens are doing, how much of your taxes go where, your armies, diplomacy, science, and a jillion other things. The goal is to conquer the world, either by military force, by a space race victory (you build a spacehip and reach Alpha Centari before anyone else), by being the greatest civilization at the end of the game, or, in the laters games, a bunch of other things i don't care about because pussies beat the game like that, not me.
You know you're good at this game when you have gunpowder circa the Trojan War and your tanks are rolling over your enemies' chariots. If you're a man, get one of the earlier versions, because apparently 4 was shortened so you can beat a game it a few hours. Real men play nine hour games, if they're fast.
Age of Mythology
Is a better RTS than Warcraft.
Age of Mythology is an RTS that improves upon the Age of Empires formula, which is why I won't bother writing a seperate section for AoE (also I'm lazy). AoE is a little different than other RTS games, in that instead of habing a ton of different civilizations, they have three, which are the Greeks, Egyptians, and Norse. There's also the Atlanteans, but they don't count because they're fucking stupid. You choose one of three main gods, and advance through the ages by worshipping other, minor gods. the major and minor gods you chose to worship effect the units and advances you get. This way AoM admit it has four similar races instead of having 16 races the play the same way.
Aside from that, the game introduces god powers, which are a deus ex machina that allow you to throw meteors, summon mummies, set forests on fire, or strike your enemies with lightning bolts. Like verything in an RTS, the computer uses these poorly.
AoM has the best population cap I've ever seen. Instead of being able to turtle behind wals and build a ton of houses, you're limited to ten houses, and after that you have to strike out and find settlements, which are the only places where you can build town centers, and claim them. This is a lot more fun because it rewards good players who can capture and hold ground. Pussies who wall up can't build an army of paladins and tank rush you anymore, which never worked anyway because mangudai are superior, YOUR PALADINS NEVER FUCKING TOUCH ME.
People who like to read books
Prince of Persia
Prince of Persia is an excellent series and by far one of the best action/adventure/platformer/whatever games, despite what faggot Devil May Cry fans say, because they're sore over the fact THAT DANTE CRIES LIKE A LITTLE GIRL.
Prince of Persia is stylistically brilliant. It's a triump of form and storytelling, and also the Prince runs on walls and has a scimitar, which is sort of like a cutlass, which is what pirates use, so the Prince is sort of like a pirate, Some people say he's more like a ninja, but that's impossible because the Prince doesn't suck.
The Sands of Time trilogy (I won't comment on the original games because I haven't played them and 3D was a Tonb Raider clone, and TR sucks) revolves around navigating your enviroment, which serves as one gigantic puzzle. The envrioments are large and they look good, and the actual puzzles look very cool. An excellent example is a mirror puzzle in Sands of Time, where you bounce a beam of light off different mirrors through a gigantic library. the games simply look cool.
an exception to this rule is Warrior Within, which was incredibly mediocre. The enviroments were small and ugly, and instead of being platforming puzzles they were just some ledges and ladders used to seperate fights, which happened every three fucking seconds. Half the game is spent on a wild fucking goose chase to open a door, too. A huge disappointment considering that Sands of time and the Two Thrones are so excellent.
People who like sports games
Have shitty taste and probably enjoy The Matrix and CSI.
Weird fucking games
Super Noah's Ark 3D
A Wolfenstein 3D clone, only instead of nazis you're Noah and you're feeding the animals on the arc with berries fired out of a slingshot. It was a series of Bible games from a company that made porn for the Atari. Seriously.
Choua Niki
A series of video games that glorify male beauty, and by glorify male beauty I mean there's a bunch of hairless bodybuilder in speedos. Picture Terminator, only instead of being an android from the future, Arnold is totally shaven, lathered up in oil, and slipped into a speedo. Also, there's a hole carved on top of his head, which is important because he uses it to (I'm not making this up) shoot a white creamy laser while shouting "MAAAAAN BEEEEAAAAAM!"
The series spans genres, from a fighting game, to shooters.
15-year-olds that wear shirts glorifying the NES and other systems made before they were born.
Mario
By "Mario", I mean the main series of platformers, and not the gimmick games like Dr. Mario. I haven't played those, to be honest, I just assumed they were crappy gimmicks.
Mario is an excellent series and there's not much I can say about it that people don't know about.
Contra
Contra is how you seperate your pussy friends from your manly friends. If you invite a friend to play Contra and he gives up after getting stomped on for his first continue, you know he's a crossdresser and you might as well stop being friends with him, so that you don't catch anything. Contra gives you 3 - 7 continues to beat the game. Every hit kills you and if you don't beat the game in seven continues you start over from the beginning.
Before anyone says, "Oh, Contra wasn't that hard", please remember that you lost your penis after using the extra lives cheat and no one cares about you anymore. Fucking pansy.
The game itself is a scrolling shooter. You get a manly character with a mullet (NOTE TO JAPANESE GAME DESIGNERS: THIS IS WHAT MALE HEROS SHOULD LOOK LIKE. THEY SHOULD BE HAIRY AND MASCULINE, NOT EQUALLY AS ATTRACTIVE AS THE WOMEN (I'M LOOKING AT YOU SQUARESOFT) and a machine gun, and you run around clearing everything from the level because they breathe. Or even if they don't breathe, it doesn't matter.
ProTip: In some of the Contras you can pose by holding down the two shoulder buttons. Do this whenver you've beaten a boss, or when the game is doing a short cutscene sort of thing. It looks really cool.
Uncharted Waters
This game is a little unusual, but all you need to know is that it lets you be a pirate. That's it, you're sold.
Uncharted Waters lets you pick a character, which affects what your sprite looks like and has some effect on your stats, which doesn't matter because they'll be high by the end of the game.
Your character is the captain of a ship (Or potentially a fleet of ships) in the 16th century. You can chose to act as either a merchant or a pirate, and to that end outfit your ships to be merchanteers or men-o-war. You start off with a shitty caravel and some spare change, and collect money by buying things at one port and selling at another, or by being a manly pirate and growing a beard. you can upgrade your ships, buy used ships, or comission new ships., with different ships having different advantages. Galleons are Xbox-sized and can hold a ton of cannons, but are slow and unsuitable for piracy because you can't keep up with other ships. Caravels or galleys are small and fast, and useful if you're a pussy and want to trade along the coast instead of taking to the high seas. You can sail completely around the world and anchor in major cities around the world. Different cities will have different prices for goods, as well as different ships availible for purchase. You can have a fleet of carracks, escorted by Japanese battleships, if your name is Wataru Akiyama and you think everything from Japan is superior.
ProTip: If you happen to emulate this game, you can abuse savestates and gamble at taverns, and make massive amount of money. I make a few hundred thousand in my first day, buy a large fleet, and pirate up the seas.
People who spent thousands of dollars on a Neo Geo
Samurai Shodown
A lot of people say Street Fighter is an excellent fighting game, which it isn't. Samurai Shodown is better. It's like Street fighter, with ninjas and swords and it doesn't suck.
Samurai Shodown, aside from being an excellent fighting game (With the exceptions of 3 and 5 if you're a purist (also virgin)
, earns this spot because Tachibana Ukyo is fuck awesome and has his own groupies that follow him around, which is pretty cool.
Metal Slug
Metal Slug is a lot like Contra, only with more guitars and you can actually beat the game. The gameplay is essentially the same, except there's a lot more vehichles to use, which range from tanks with machine guns to camels with machine guns to cars with machine guns to robots with machine guns to planes with machine guns to spaceships with machine guns. Some sections play a little differently, but the idea is the same; it's moving so it wants to kill you, but you're too manly to be killed.
Viewpont
An isometric shooter, unlike most other shooting games where you can dodge bullets, you can't dodge them in viewpoint BECAUSE THEY'RE SPRAYED ACROSS THE ENTIRE SCREEN. This game earns the Contra Seal of Difficulty because it took me 99 lives to reach level 4.
This game is even more straightforward than Contra. You're a spaceship with guns, shooting at aliens. You can get a power up that gives you these two littles discs to either side that also shoot lasers. That's the game.
Puzzle Bobble/Bust-a-Move
This is a puzzle game sort of like Tetris. Each field has these orbs hanging from the ceiling, and using a cannon manned by the fiercest dragons known to man, you shoot your own orbs at them. Orbs are different colors, and if three or more orbs of the same color touch, they'll explode. If other orbs were hanging off of them, they'll fall to the ground and be out of your way. The goal is to clear the field of orbs.
BUT AS YOU FIRE YOUR RAINBOW ORBS, THE CEILING STEADILY FALLS TO THE GROUND, IF ANY OF THE ORBS FALL BELOW A CERTAIN POINT YOU LOSE. CAN YOU CLEAR AWAY THE ORBS BEFORE YOUR FEARSOME DRAGONS ARE CRUSHED TO DEATH? NO, YOU CAN'T BECAUSE YOU SUCK.
Guilty Gear
This isn't actually a Neo Geo game, but it's a 2D fighter and I'm lazy.
Guilty Gear is a quick paced fighter with wacky characters and heavy metal. There's no need to say anything more because you all know what a fighting game looks like.
People who play Warcraft and wish they were playing a better game (I WENT THERE)
Civilization
This is the best strategy game of all time, and by best strategy game of all time I mean it's better than everything else.
Civilization is turn-based, meaning that everyone thinks it's boring and that Halo is better, which is wrong because Halo sucks. You take control of a civilization at 4000 BCE, and make it into a great empire. You manage your cities, what they build, what your citizens are doing, how much of your taxes go where, your armies, diplomacy, science, and a jillion other things. The goal is to conquer the world, either by military force, by a space race victory (you build a spacehip and reach Alpha Centari before anyone else), by being the greatest civilization at the end of the game, or, in the laters games, a bunch of other things i don't care about because pussies beat the game like that, not me.
You know you're good at this game when you have gunpowder circa the Trojan War and your tanks are rolling over your enemies' chariots. If you're a man, get one of the earlier versions, because apparently 4 was shortened so you can beat a game it a few hours. Real men play nine hour games, if they're fast.
Age of Mythology
Is a better RTS than Warcraft.
Age of Mythology is an RTS that improves upon the Age of Empires formula, which is why I won't bother writing a seperate section for AoE (also I'm lazy). AoE is a little different than other RTS games, in that instead of habing a ton of different civilizations, they have three, which are the Greeks, Egyptians, and Norse. There's also the Atlanteans, but they don't count because they're fucking stupid. You choose one of three main gods, and advance through the ages by worshipping other, minor gods. the major and minor gods you chose to worship effect the units and advances you get. This way AoM admit it has four similar races instead of having 16 races the play the same way.
Aside from that, the game introduces god powers, which are a deus ex machina that allow you to throw meteors, summon mummies, set forests on fire, or strike your enemies with lightning bolts. Like verything in an RTS, the computer uses these poorly.
AoM has the best population cap I've ever seen. Instead of being able to turtle behind wals and build a ton of houses, you're limited to ten houses, and after that you have to strike out and find settlements, which are the only places where you can build town centers, and claim them. This is a lot more fun because it rewards good players who can capture and hold ground. Pussies who wall up can't build an army of paladins and tank rush you anymore, which never worked anyway because mangudai are superior, YOUR PALADINS NEVER FUCKING TOUCH ME.
People who like to read books
Prince of Persia
Prince of Persia is an excellent series and by far one of the best action/adventure/platformer/whatever games, despite what faggot Devil May Cry fans say, because they're sore over the fact THAT DANTE CRIES LIKE A LITTLE GIRL.
Prince of Persia is stylistically brilliant. It's a triump of form and storytelling, and also the Prince runs on walls and has a scimitar, which is sort of like a cutlass, which is what pirates use, so the Prince is sort of like a pirate, Some people say he's more like a ninja, but that's impossible because the Prince doesn't suck.
The Sands of Time trilogy (I won't comment on the original games because I haven't played them and 3D was a Tonb Raider clone, and TR sucks) revolves around navigating your enviroment, which serves as one gigantic puzzle. The envrioments are large and they look good, and the actual puzzles look very cool. An excellent example is a mirror puzzle in Sands of Time, where you bounce a beam of light off different mirrors through a gigantic library. the games simply look cool.
an exception to this rule is Warrior Within, which was incredibly mediocre. The enviroments were small and ugly, and instead of being platforming puzzles they were just some ledges and ladders used to seperate fights, which happened every three fucking seconds. Half the game is spent on a wild fucking goose chase to open a door, too. A huge disappointment considering that Sands of time and the Two Thrones are so excellent.
People who like sports games
Have shitty taste and probably enjoy The Matrix and CSI.
Weird fucking games
Super Noah's Ark 3D
A Wolfenstein 3D clone, only instead of nazis you're Noah and you're feeding the animals on the arc with berries fired out of a slingshot. It was a series of Bible games from a company that made porn for the Atari. Seriously.
Choua Niki
A series of video games that glorify male beauty, and by glorify male beauty I mean there's a bunch of hairless bodybuilder in speedos. Picture Terminator, only instead of being an android from the future, Arnold is totally shaven, lathered up in oil, and slipped into a speedo. Also, there's a hole carved on top of his head, which is important because he uses it to (I'm not making this up) shoot a white creamy laser while shouting "MAAAAAN BEEEEAAAAAM!"
The series spans genres, from a fighting game, to shooters.
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