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    Any of you seen this movie?

    Yes I have, and it's terrible. I remember watching it with a friend at an art theatre down in Royal Oak. Trust me, movies like Elephant aren't made, they're spawned in communities like Royal Oak all across the nation.

    Fuck, now you got me started. Elephant is a high school movie that's too good for a real high school, so it had to exist in some alternate universe where there's about ten students total in the school, and all of them are ludricously quiet, unemotional, and well-behaved, save for a couple of extremely calculated moments of wackiness. the idea was that if nothing happened--literally, NOTHING HAPPENS for the first 80 minutes of the movie--up until the climatic shootout, the upcoming violence would be that much more powerful.

    It's not. Elephant is shot in a very flat, documentary style. It's completely uncinematic; the camera literally follows students walking from one end of the school to the other, staring at the back of a kid's head for ten minutes straight because Gus Van Sant is too fucking brilliant to edit his goddamn footage. But then, once the violence erupts, we're treated to all sorts of Die Hard effects; slo-mo shootouts, killer explosions, badguys maniacally taunting their victims (oh, and fuck the ending: if a maniac had me cornered and pointed the barrel of a gun at my hands while he chats about shooting me, I'M KICKING HIS ASS).

    I fucking hated that arty piece of shit.
    Captain's Log: Just a little update for all my TRUE and HONEST friends out there:

    1) I am STRAIGHT! I am STRAIGHT! Get it through your thick skulls, numbskulls!

    2) My name is not Ian Brandon Something.

    3) Kacey is coming with me now. I have stolen her from the other Christian Weston Chandler.

    REMINDER: I am still the one and only true creator of sonichu and rosechu electric hedgehog pokemon



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