Okay, this is a serious post and it is something I have legitimately kept to myself for many many years.
When I was 21 I was in a relationship with a girl who had serious mental issues and drug dependencies. She was particularly violent, on many occasions I endured savage assaults on my person, everything from waking up to her with a knife at my throat, to having my face scratched by her nails so bad that I had to make up a story about a homeless crazy woman at a bus stop to explain the chunks of skin missing from my face.
During the relationship I never hurt her physically.
There were two incidents that changed my life forever:
1. I tried to break up with her one night because of her craziness, during which she stimulated me to erection and then took advantage of the fact that she knew I wouldn't forcibly do anything to her that would hurt her and had sex with me.
2. When I told her that I wasn't going to buy any weed to smoke on a particular night, she threw herself into a rage and attempted to leave the apartment in the middle of the city, butt naked. When I said to her, "what are you doing? The cops will think you are a crazy person", she replied with malice, "I will just tell them you raped me, and who are they going to believe, an 18 year old girl, or a tatted up man?"
Now, after the first incident, I felt dirty from the inside out. From all descriptions of the aftermath of rape, I had experienced rape. I had the tools to stop the incident, but had not used them for whatever reason. In fact, just writing this out has brought back memories and has required me to rethink my position on a couple of things that I'm going to have to unpack in the coming few days. This may soften my stance on certain things, to be honest.
I haven't thought about this in over a decade, so please keep that in mind.
The second incident may be a significant factor why I have such a hard stance, though. I might as well be open here, as I've already opened myself to ridicule, but when the second incident happened and I'd managed to calm her down and she was asleep, I crawled into the second bedroom cupboard, covered myself in linen, and whimpered for hours attempting to come to grips with the knowledge that she was fine with threatening to ruin my reputation and my life with a simple lie, and absolutely had the power and backing from authority to make good the threat.
These are simple facts, and as I've said, I haven't thought about this in a long time, so likely need to unpack this further, and even more than likely need to do it with a professional counsellor.
When I was 21 I was in a relationship with a girl who had serious mental issues and drug dependencies. She was particularly violent, on many occasions I endured savage assaults on my person, everything from waking up to her with a knife at my throat, to having my face scratched by her nails so bad that I had to make up a story about a homeless crazy woman at a bus stop to explain the chunks of skin missing from my face.
During the relationship I never hurt her physically.
There were two incidents that changed my life forever:
1. I tried to break up with her one night because of her craziness, during which she stimulated me to erection and then took advantage of the fact that she knew I wouldn't forcibly do anything to her that would hurt her and had sex with me.
2. When I told her that I wasn't going to buy any weed to smoke on a particular night, she threw herself into a rage and attempted to leave the apartment in the middle of the city, butt naked. When I said to her, "what are you doing? The cops will think you are a crazy person", she replied with malice, "I will just tell them you raped me, and who are they going to believe, an 18 year old girl, or a tatted up man?"
Now, after the first incident, I felt dirty from the inside out. From all descriptions of the aftermath of rape, I had experienced rape. I had the tools to stop the incident, but had not used them for whatever reason. In fact, just writing this out has brought back memories and has required me to rethink my position on a couple of things that I'm going to have to unpack in the coming few days. This may soften my stance on certain things, to be honest.
I haven't thought about this in over a decade, so please keep that in mind.
The second incident may be a significant factor why I have such a hard stance, though. I might as well be open here, as I've already opened myself to ridicule, but when the second incident happened and I'd managed to calm her down and she was asleep, I crawled into the second bedroom cupboard, covered myself in linen, and whimpered for hours attempting to come to grips with the knowledge that she was fine with threatening to ruin my reputation and my life with a simple lie, and absolutely had the power and backing from authority to make good the threat.
These are simple facts, and as I've said, I haven't thought about this in a long time, so likely need to unpack this further, and even more than likely need to do it with a professional counsellor.
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