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Omega Supreme
4/04/2010 3:42pm,
....and they placed Jesus in his tomb and closed the mouth of the cave. And it sucked. Three days later Jesus rose from the grave. Unfortunately he was a zombie.

He bitch slapped the rock that had been blocking his tomb and the rock fell smited by the lord.

Jesus laid his eyes upon the village of Easter with anger, for he had not had his coffee. His anger did not fall upon deaf ears as a long eared boy from the nearby village had witness the newly risen body of Jesus. The young boy who was named Peter, not to be mistaken for the Peter the hung, or Peter the tired, or Peter the desciple. Peter **** himself and he ran down the mountain screaming his ass off.

Christ came down the mountain seeking brains, brains and coffee. Peter warned the town's people and they cried "miracle" and they came out to meet Christ. Christ was first met by Jeffrey and Jeffrey fell to his knees tears pouring down his face. Christ reached down and laid hands on Jeffrey. Then the lord spoke onto him "BRAINS!" and ripped Jeffrey's head open. He ate his brains but he found his brain too small and he walked into the village to find more nourishment.

The village elder looked upon the lord "lord how may we ease your anger"

And the Jesus spoke onto them "need coffee, bring me my latte". The elder ran to Starbucks across the street and ordered a venti. This angered the lord "Bring only non fat to me!" and he smited the coffee bearer and he ate the elder's brain.

Still not sated Jesus looked to enlighten the village and show them the error of the non fat latte. Quickly thinking Peter ran throughout the village gathering all the eggs far and wide. He looked all over and gathered the eggs unto his mother's kitchen where he scrambled the eggs to a heavenly delight.

Peter presented the eggs to Jesus with two non fat venti lattes. He spoke onto the lord "Dude, these eggs taste like brains". The lord looked upon this offering and he ate. It was good. Satisfied he looked upon Peter "I thank you rabbit looking child. May this day be remembered and know that through finding eggs all have been forgiven."

The End.

tkd panda
4/04/2010 3:57pm,
If the bible was actually written in this fashion I might be more inclined to read it's at least as believable as most wrightings about jeebus.

Gezere
4/04/2010 5:01pm,
Afuckingmen!!!

Zapruder
4/04/2010 5:14pm,
Eggs you say?

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/lt2.jpg

Nicko1
4/04/2010 6:14pm,
On thursday, a kid in my daughter's class told me in all seriousness that Jesus was really cool. He justified this on the grounds that, as he had risen from the dead, he was obviously either a ghost or a zombie and therefore completely wicked. I somehow do not see this tactic being adopted in Sunday schools, regardless of how many six year olds it brings into the fold.

Dak
4/04/2010 7:07pm,
http://i124.photobucket.com/albums/p5/Real_AirCooledMan/Raptor_Jesus.jpg

OiScout
4/04/2010 7:29pm,
If you say Jesus backwards, it sounds like sausage.

Nwp
4/04/2010 7:49pm,
Jeffrey was a dumbass anyway.

I cannot believe I have been letting my kids play with Satan's scrote nugs all these years.

Damn it!
Literally.

DayOfTheJackass
4/04/2010 7:58pm,
I always pictured JC drinking short black. The bible: every hotel's big book of rolling papers.

kenikim
4/04/2010 8:19pm,
furking funny-ass thread with furking funny-ass responses.
Omega the Merciless: instructor, fighter, bb, world class asshole, and now a short story writer!

ADM
4/04/2010 8:53pm,
Pure poetry mate! The Bible according to Omega!

Squerlli
4/04/2010 9:08pm,
I remember hearing some **** about Easter just being a bastardized version of a pagan holiday about bunnies and reproduction.

I like this version much better then the original christian or pagan one though.

Nwp
4/04/2010 10:49pm,
*my text to a buddy this morning:*

"Happy Easter. Now go out and put chicken eggs everywhere, which happen to be miraculously filled with chocolate, and were delivered by a rabbit-to celebrate Our Lord's ressurection.
Makes sense right?"

Spring, renewal, rejuvination, candy, candy, candy.
Another pivitol moment in mankinds history USURPED by Mars and Hallmark!

dmyhra
4/04/2010 11:15pm,
you guys suck

Omega Supreme
4/04/2010 11:30pm,
you guys suck

Why would you say that? Looking for a date?:biblethum

kenikim
4/05/2010 12:02am,
i'll be looking forward to your next story on christmas.