View Full Version : Renowned environmentalist David Suzuki starts new career: as a UFC fighter!

Tango M.F.
4/01/2008 6:32pm,
Although better known for his pioneering work in insect genetics and his decades-long environmental crusades, the esteemed Dr. David Suzuki is starting yet another chapter in his life at 72: he’s taken up MMA, or mixed martial arts and has signed to the Ultimate Fighting Championship, or UFC, with a three-fight contract.

Asked if his age will be any deterrent to winning the welterweight belt from fellow Canadian Georges St. Pierre, Dr. Suzuki recalled Randy Couture, who achieved his third UFC heavyweight championship at age 43.

Said Suzuki, “Couture’s out of shape compared to me. I’ve eaten nothing but twigs and caterpillars for the last thirty years, and routinely lift small cars over my head.”

Asked why he needed to lift small cars, the environmentalist replied, “to crush them like the carbon-emitting wagons of death that they are, of course.”

St. Pierre meanwhile, is already quoted as saying that his heart wasn't in it and he will likely spend most of the night before the match crying in his pillow because he stepped on a bug earlier that day. Also, his pinky finger may or may not have been sprained.

Critics have assailed the career move for a variety of reasons.

“David’s supposed to care about the environment, but he’s staring in a show that has the carbon footprint of Malawi.” Claimed an exasperated Elizabeth May, who ironically was being carried around her three-bedroom home by a small stable of Malawian children at the time; a crown of low-energy light-bulbs on her head.

For the record UFC President Dana White called a press conference to say that in honour of Suzuki’s next fight, UFC 753.67 will be entirely carbon neutral: “Yeah, we’re gonna f**kin’ use f**kin’ solar power and s**t. It’s gonna be f**kin’ awesome. F**k yeah, motherf**kers.”

Other’s say the environmentalist is violating his supposed pacifist stance to compete in a sport that glorifies mindless violence.

“People can say what they want,” said Suzuki while floating three-feet from the ground while sitting in the full-lotus position, “but when they find out who my opponent is, they will not be surprised.”

Joining Dr. Suzuki in the octagon will be The Right Honourable Stephen Harper, who had to come down from super-heavyweight for the bout.


Happy April Fool’s Day!

4/01/2008 8:26pm,
Incidentally, y'all should know that the photo isn't a Photoshop trick. When it was taken, Suzuki really was that buff.

4/01/2008 8:37pm,
I love it! I would pay good money to see someone take a round out of Stephen Harper.

Did you get that, GuiltySpark? Lots of money.

4/01/2008 8:41pm,

4/01/2008 8:55pm,

Who, me?

David "pumped on nature" Suzuki?

Or the dude that posted a pic of the nature nut in the buff?

4/01/2008 8:59pm,
So what's his strategy going to be?

If he's wearing that I'd warn his opponent to be wary of Ground N' Pound.

Chili Pepper
4/02/2008 8:24am,
"Snake Eyes" Harper is only a super-heavyweight? Is there no upper limit to that weight class?

4/02/2008 8:44am,
MMA? Nah, he should go into Wrasslin' and finish with "the worm" like Scottie too Hottie used to do, only he can call it the caterpillar.

4/08/2008 7:25pm,
Harper has the Chrisma of a stone, and he's just as tough as stone!

I predict Harper Koing him in 11 seconds

4/08/2008 8:12pm,
Harper has the Chrisma of a stone, and he's just as tough as stone!

Bah! Stephen Harper is soft and mushy. In fact, the resemblance to the Pillsbury Doughboy is really quite astonishing.

krazy kaju
4/08/2008 8:31pm,
My biology teacher my sophomore year worked with or maybe learned from Dr. Suzuki for a while.

4/08/2008 9:14pm,
Cool thanks for sharing that

Roidie McDouchebag
4/09/2008 4:19am,
[email protected] "Ontario will rise again" crap from AC.

4/09/2008 10:10am,
I love it! I would pay good money to see someone take a round out of Stephen Harper.

Did you get that, GuiltySpark? Lots of money.

I'd pay to see Harper get his ass kicked. It shouldn't be hard considering he has the lovely gourd shaped physique.