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Vince Tortelli
3/03/2008 10:11pm,
Luke Cummo Suspended by Ohio Athletic Commission
by Thomas Gerbilski

UFC fighter Luke Cummo has been suspended three months for failing a random drug test administered by the Ohio Athletic Commission. The test, conducted after his loss against Luigi Fioravanti at Saturday’s UFC 82 event, showed that Cummo had extremely elevated caffeine levels beyond anything the commission had ever seen before.
“Normally we don’t pay that much attention to the level of caffeine in a fighter’s blood,” said OAC commissioner Warren Petty. “But Luke Cummo’s readings were off the chart. At first we thought there must be a mistake with the test, but follow ups showed that our original findings were accurate. This guy must have been tripping balls in the Octagon.”
Athletic Commission standards allow a fighter to have up to 800mg of caffeine in their system. Luke Cummo is said to have over 23,000mg in his system during the post fight test. In his defense, Luke Cummo released the following statement explaining the test results:

Before the fight I pumped three liters of coffee up my rectum as part of an enema to break up persistent gallstones. Never did I imagine that a procedure I perform on myself regularly would result in my suspension. While I am disappointed at the narrow mindedness of the OAC and it’s inability to recognize the benefits of drinking urine and performing coffee enemas, I accept their ruling.
Cummo’s agent Ken Pavia was angered to hear the news of his client’s suspension. “It’s terrible, just terrible. No one takes better care of themselves than Luke Cummo. He eats nothing but mud and sticks, for God’s sake. For the OAC to suspend him because he likes to put stuff up his ass is absurd. If they’re going to suspend every fighter who does that, there won’t be anyone left to compete.”
When asked for his comment on the latest suspension, UFC president Dana White said “He put what up his where? Are you fucking serious???”


Oh my...............

3/03/2008 10:15pm,
It's fake.

Teh real (http://www.lukecummo.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1558&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=10)

Luke posting on his own forum:

LOL funny story
FYI I wasn't tested before or after the fight

Kentucky Fried Chokin
3/03/2008 10:28pm,
For a minute I though it could be real, because I remember what nut Cummo was on TUF. Actually I would be surprised to learn he puts all kinds of things up his ass.

Vince Tortelli
3/03/2008 10:28pm,
It's fake.

Teh real (http://www.lukecummo.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1558&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=10)

Luke posting on his own forum:

Oops! My bad! At first it seemed slightly unbelievable, but with the recent plague of fighters getting testing positive for everything under the sun, plus what seemed to be an authentic Dana White quote....oh well, thanks for setting me straight. Could some mod please move this to Duffshido?

3/03/2008 10:29pm,
Christ. Thank god this was fake, I was about to bury my head in the sand.

3/03/2008 10:29pm,
No kidding. Hunter S. Thompson, may the Valkyrie's feed him steaks, was the last viable journalist/reporter to say "tripping balls" in a serious article.

3/03/2008 10:30pm,
It's fake.

Fake but funny! I was about to post how odd it was for an athletic commision official to use a term like 'tripping balls'....then I read a little farther. But after the whole Gabe Rudiger fiasco, nothing surprises me anymore.

3/03/2008 10:40pm,
Oh, it's hilarious because it's pretty plausible given what Cummo does in his diet. He is a piss drinker and posted pictures on his website of stones he passed in his ****.

I love him as a fighter, but he's a weird one.

3/03/2008 10:40pm,
That's some funny $hit.

Train Hard, Stay Safe,
Good Luck

Roidie McDouchebag
3/03/2008 10:53pm,
23,000mg of caffeine would kill several people. 1200mg gave me the worst shits of my life.

3/03/2008 11:06pm,
I did 13 expresso shots at starbucks? How many did you do?

3/03/2008 11:10pm,
Thanks for sharing that with us Cracky.

How can someone 'publish' stupidty like this? I'd sue.

Roidie McDouchebag
3/03/2008 11:55pm,
I took 6 200mg caffeine pills, I was tired and wanted to have fun with my friends. As I entered the pool hall, I had a glimmer of what was to come as my bowels rumbled. The toilet was nasty, so I just squatted over it like an Arab. I got **** on the toilet seat. I didn't realize my asshole was capable of projection in that manner. When I came out, I broke into song "I-I, I just diyeeed on the john tonight, it must have been something I ate, I just died on the john toniyeeeet ooh-wo-ooh-wo..."

3/04/2008 8:17am,
I took 6 200mg caffeine pills, I was tired and wanted to have fun with my friends.I once took 1000mg or so of caffein pills. Possibly because my stomache was empty I had no bowel problems other than feeling that my insides had been replaced by a vast, sucking void that I was gradually collapsing into.

Honestly the worst drug experience of my life. I'd rather take too much ketamine again.

3/04/2008 8:46am,
... btw the whole coffee enema thing is real.

the only fake part was the suspension.

3/04/2008 11:23am,
13 expresso shots had me fluctating back in forth between sitting and laying down. Both hurt when I did one for too long. I felt like a had to crap, but every time I made it to the toilet it was all sound and fury signifying nothing. When I pissed, half of the house smelled like coffee. My family was really mad because after that whole ordeal because I missed a funeral. OOPS.