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Virus
9/04/2007 10:40am,
T3h Virus's Guide to Starting A Mcdojo.

Now with updated material!

Congratulations on your decision to enter the exiting world of McDojo ownership. You have taken the first step on the path to money, fame, glory and possibly small boys. But the road ahead will not be easy, and there are no guarantees of success. Many fall short of the dream and go under, but by following the advice in this guide, you can make your McDojo prosper for years to come. And the only training you'll be doing is finding tax shelters.

The cardinal rules of Mcdojism. Follow these well and meditate on their wisdom.

Rule #1. "Only Asians know how to fight."

http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/Villa/8642/images/kung_03c.jpg

What? You were going to start up a bullshit system of wrestling? or boxing? Well, it can be done but your bullshit better be in top order or nobody is going to buy it. Much easier to just to feed off the absurd mythology created by piss-poor movies, magazines and dimwitt martial artists themselves that only Eastern systems stretching back for millions of years have the real deadly.

The advantages to the Mdcojo owner are numerous. For instance, nobody is going to check up on you that "Shaolin-chuan-ninjado-chi-jitsu" is real or if you just pulled a bunch of bollocks together from crappy books, then added whatever you can remember from your own stripmall mcdojo training from when you were a kid.


Following on from rule #1 is rule #2: "Pimp that gi!"

People love colours. People love wearing them when they imagine they are learning to kick someone's ass. There's a little part of our prehistoric brain handed down from pond slime to homo-sapiens which says "Ohh colours! He must be good!"

If you are going for the Chinese thing, then correct attire is this:

http://www.choylayfut.com/photos/SifuB5-05.jpg

A quick rule-of-thumb is that if it looks like something you'd wear to bed, you're onto something.

If you want the Japanese angle, then you gotta pimp that gi like it belongs to Xzibit.

Wrong
http://www.asahido.ca/Judo.jpg

Getting warmer...
http://athleticscholarships.net/ju-jitsu.jpg

Now you're pimpin' it homes!
http://www.kilohana.co.uk/images/kyoshi.JPG


Rule #3 "A strict Sifu Diet"

Modern man has had it drummed into him that people with big titles are always right. And the good thing about martial arts is that it's a completely unregulated enterprise, so you can call yourself whatever the hell you want. "Grandmaster", "Sifu" "Sensei" are all tried and true. (Don't forget to make liberal use this title when making dinner reservations or filling out official documents)

If you want to get creative then "Sir Grand Ultimate Master of the Seven Elemental Forces" could work, provided you have enough patches on your gi to back it up.


Rule #4: "contracts, contracts, contracts!"

What if people join up just because they saw your pompous fake name, half-truth history and clothing so tasteless that even the worlds biggest crackhead wouldn't be seen dead in it for all the rock in the world? What if they decide that being a killing machine isn't for them? Don't worry! IF YOU MAKE THEM SIGN A CONTRACT!.


Rule #5: "Kinder-rate"

http://www.boys-winter-outerwear.com/tallon-edwards/tallon-edwards-kempo-karate.jpg

The bulk of your students should be kids. Why? A few reasons, firstly it is a well known scientific fact that a persons IQ drops whenever they have a kid. (and the more it drops, the more they think it's a good idea to have another.) Think about it, why else would someone elect to share the company of a noisy, screeching spawn that projects unspeakable fluids across the room several times a day? It's like living with something out of Gremlins. As such the parents will be:

a) All too eager to get away from them for an hour and are prepared to pay you for it.

b) Too stupid to check on your actual training history or skill.



Rule #6: "It's not just about fighting..."

Make sure you promise a bunch of bullshit about self-confidence, discipline and focus. It's what people expect from a martial art. If people ever actually question the rubbish that is likely to get them killed in a real fight, you can always fall back on the fact that your training bestows these subjectively validated and unmeasurable qualities. Many people also believe that this excuses them for looking like a tit.

http://www.ckfa-kungfu.com/wushu/IM000433.JPG

It will also help to use phrases like "the real masters never fight" as though there's something intellectually superior about never doing what you say you can.


Rule #7 "Make the grade"

http://www.seidomelbourne.com.au/images/seido4.jpg

As you can see, this Mcdojo master knows what he's doing. Take notes. He's so good at the grading scam he's selling a green belt to a brown belt while the students all stand back and applaud. Also look in the background, he's sold a yellow belt to a green belt too. There's a lesson in there for every aspiring Mcdojo master.

The key point is that gradings are a money spinner. Grade hard and grade often. Grade for everything. Then sell incremental grades between those grades.


Rule #7: "Strictly no contact"

Getting hit hurts. If people wanted to get hit they'd take up a real martial art. You are not one of those arts. Remember: Keep it forms, keep it kata, keep it compliant.

http://www.okinawankarateclub.com/images/instructors/PaulKlotzBassaiDai.jpg

Most importantly, keep it bullshit by telling people that this has some sort of connection (no matter how remote) to developing real functional skill. (If you get anyone who's really pushy you can just tell them that it's the equivalent of shadowboxing.) The last thing you want as a Mdojo instructor is for your students to realise that fighting is hard work.

http://www.doshinmartialarts.com/Team_Kata.gif


Rule #8: "There's a ninjer born every minute"

If you think you can pull it off, go for it. There's a special niche market for ninjitsu amongst idiots.

http://www.fujimae.co.nz/assets/Ninjitsu/un-sp-10.jpg


Rule #9: "Pimp my room"

You pimped your gi but you train in a boring old YMCA hall? This won't do. Nothing short of gaudy displays of orientalism will cut the mustard. The more your dojo looks like a fung-shui nightmare, the better. Some especially advanced mcdojo masters will actually just build entire walls out of framed certificates.

http://www.iolfree.ie/~irish_zen/pics/galway_dojo_inside_2.JPG


Rule #10: "Religion is the opiate of the masses"

Get a religion and make it a key selling point of your dojo. No ****. Think about it, your students are going to be made up of individuals that literally believe that some invisible guy that does magic is watching them and that they go and live in some happy-land AFTER THEY ARE DEAD!!! What bullshit can you possibly spin that can compare to that? If they believe that , they'll believe anything.

http://peacecorpsonline.org/messages/jpeg/martialarts.jpg


Rule #11: "Hell hath no fury like a woman pwned"

Well it's always good to finish on a nice round number like 10, but current research shows that this step is crucial to running a mcdojo in this modern age.

It's a disturbing statistic, but 1 in 5 women will be the victim of some form of sexual assault. However that's not disturbing to the mcdojo master because you can cash to that statistic if you are a true master of the ancient financial art of chi-ching!

Realistic women's self defence:

Wrong.
http://www.republicbjj.com/images/women.jpg


Right.
http://www.psj-tkd.co.uk/pictures/self_defence.jpg

The key to running women's self defence classes is to convince them that the long-discarded rubbish from dead martial arts somehow works it's magic when applied by someone at a severe weight and strength disadvantage.

You must also drum it into them that one kick to the groin, rake to the eyes or inefficient grappling technique will be enough to stop an attacker. This is achieved through countless training "scenarios" in which the man throws a pretend attack then pretends to fall over and pretends to be hurt after he has been on the receiving end of a pretend defense technique.

http://www.womenscenter.emory.edu/assets/ESCAPE.jpg



Thank you for reading T3h Virus's Guide to Starting a McDojo. Just remember, you must be vigilant, people will get on the internet and say things about you. This can cost you students and therefore money. Solution? One word: Lawsuit.

metarat
9/04/2007 11:05am,
This is the greatest document in the history of the world.

All these years, I've expended time and money to find a teacher who doesn't suck, just so (rueful giggle)-- I could improve myself. Just Myself! But, now, I can just go ahead and be a master, and start my own school! Hell, my own Federation!

Thank you, Virus, thank you!

Virus
9/04/2007 11:19am,
This is the greatest document in the history of the world.

All these years, I've expended time and money to find a teacher who doesn't suck, just so (rueful giggle)-- I could improve myself. Just Myself! But, now, I can just go ahead and be a master, and start my own school! Hell, my own Federation!

Thank you, Virus, thank you!

I'm sure that whatever skill you have is more than enough to be a grandmaster of whatever martial art you invent. With the specific condition that you never actually fight. Due to the Laissez-faire martial arts industry you don't even have to have trained in anything. Just put together some forms, two-man drills and you are set.

Trubble
9/04/2007 11:20am,
wow... did you follow the ATA's business protocol here? awesome!!!

jkdbuck76
9/04/2007 11:22am,
You forgot one thing, Virus:

Get picture taken with an Asian Guy and hang it on the wall next to the plaque with the names of all the Junior Black Belts.

Picture with Asian Guy makes it look like you are his student.

FickleFingerOfFate
9/04/2007 11:26am,
Don't forget signed pictures from Ralph Maccio, and Pat Morita.

These prove to the Disney nutrider Parents that your school has excellent values and is endorsed by elite Martial Artists

JohnnyFive
9/04/2007 11:28am,
The purpose of the Asian guy is, indeed, to add tone to what would otherwise be a vulgar brawl.

ysc87
9/04/2007 11:33am,
Well, who wants to start the first school of 'Chi Kune Do' with me?
I'm asian and everything. I even have my korean passport to prove it.

FickleFingerOfFate
9/04/2007 11:35am,
Well, who wants to start the first school of 'Chi Kune Do' with me?
I'm asian and everything. I even have my korean passport to prove it.

Ask an Aikido guy.

They're really good at spontaniously falling down or flying across the matt when you release your Chi/Ki on them.

Vince Tortelli
9/04/2007 11:36am,
But what if, like me, you can't afford to pimp out your rented space with oriental emblems? However, you do have a lot of camoflage clothing lying around? Please virus, tell me how I can exploit the fears of those around me and start up a crappy self defense course!

FickleFingerOfFate
9/04/2007 11:37am,
But what if, like me, you can't afford to pimp out your rented space with oriental emblems? However, you do have a lot of camoflage clothing lying around? Please virus, tell me how I can exploit the fears of those around me and start up a crappy self defense course!


RBSD'0h!

Vince Tortelli
9/04/2007 11:43am,
I was hoping more for specific advice, possibly numbered and with comical pictures, than a statement of the concept that will help me seperate the gullible from their cash, but thanks anyway.

FickleFingerOfFate
9/04/2007 11:48am,
Sorry, that was June's theme.

Try to keep up.

Vince Tortelli
9/04/2007 12:18pm,
Okay, I'll hit the RSBD Sucks thread now that you have brought it to my attention. I expect to be rolling in big piles of money any day now.

FickleFingerOfFate
9/04/2007 12:23pm,
Okay, I'll hit the RSBD Sucks thread now that you have brought it to my attention. I expect to be rolling in big piles of money any day now.

Well, rolling is pretty easy for the average RBSD guy.

And now back to our Host and his McDojo Guide.

The thread that is both entertaining and informative

ysc87
9/04/2007 12:35pm,
Well, rolling is pretty easy for the average RBSD guy.

I assume you mean either "jelly-rolling" or "Spoiled rich girl from 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'-type rolling."