View Full Version : Martial Arts Definitions

9/15/2006 7:36pm,
(from Kemponet)

These are meant in fun, so don't take offense. And they ARE funny...


* Kempo: Percussion class with people as the drums

* Aikido: Origami with people

* Jiu-jitsu: people who fold your laundry for you----while you are still wearing it.

* Tai Chi: martial art overdosed on valium...

* The idea of Taiji is to yield to your opponent's attack.... in most cases the yielding seems to be so pronounced that the idea must be to play on the opponent's pity. :^)

* Someone once told me my Tai Chi would only be useful in fighting NFL replays.

* I once described Tai Chi to my fellow classmates as being just like standing still, only faster.

Minor Martial Arts Dictionary

Aikido: A martial art which allows you to defeat your enemy without hurting him. Unless of course his does not know how to ukemi in which case he has his wrist broken in about 20 places.

Arnis: "Harness of the hand." A Filpino martial art, also known as eskrima and kali, centering around stick, blade and empty hand combat. Mispronanciation of the art guarantees a quick taste.

Bo: A stick.

Bokken: A stick that looks like a sword.

Buddhism: A religious doctrine and a marketing tool to populate asia with statues of short fat bald men.

Chi: A biophysical energy generated through breathing techniques, which in defying the laws of physics and the basic scientific common sense, allows the user to develop super human strength.

Dan: A term used in the Japanese martial arts for anyone who has achieved the rank of at least first-degree black belt.

Darn: The sound uttered when the wearer of a Dan realizes that they will now get hit harder and more frequently during training.

Dojo: "The place of the way." A training hall or gymnasium. Very similar to a B & D parlor but without the mistress.

Hakama: A skirt sometimes worn in the Martial Arts but we don't really like to talk about it.

Iaido: "Way of the sword." The modern art of drawing the samurai sword from its scabbard. A rather interesting art developed around the principle of "look how big mine is".

Judo: "Gentle way." A Japanese art where grown men roll around cuddling each other without apparently doing any damage. These men are often closet Hakama wearers.

Jujitsu: A lot like judo except that these boys like to inflict slightly more damage. Tend to get very angry when accused of being Hakama wearers and often are heard saying "You gotta a big mouth"

Karate: "Empty hand" or "China hand." The primary purpose of this art is the destruction of wood and other natural products. Most Karate styles have a placing on Green Peace's most wanted list. This art will be outlawed by most countries by the turn of the century. Karate people enjoy pain, this is shown by their habit of fighting with their fists on their hips.

Kata: A series of prearranged maneuvers practiced in many of the Oriental martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or anything else that may involve pain.

Katana: A sharp metal stick.

Kendo: A strange and unusual past-time involving hitting each other with sticks and making in-human sounds. Could be a cult ??

Kuk Sool Won: A combination of Kata, Karate, Tae Kwon Do, Zen, Jujitsu and Master definitions but of course the tapes for Kuk Sool Won are much more expensive.

Kung fu: A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many of these arts involve the emulation of animals. Many students of Pray Mantis spend years attempting to obtain the other 4 legs while students of Monkey Kung-fu tend to find themselves being carted off by men in white lab coats.

Master: A title bestowed on a martial artist who has attained advanced rank after long years of study or has started his own style after achieving kyu grades in at least 4 arts, or has completed the "Become a Master by Video" course available for only 19.95 per month.

Naginata: A stick with a sharp bit on the end.

Ninja: A rather confused individual who likes sneaking around at night in his pajamas.

Ninjutsu: The art of being confused and sneaking around in your pajamas

Sparring: Bashing each other senseless in the hope that nobody realizes that you don't know any kata or techniques.

Tae kwon do: An unusual martial art that relies on its followers to have the flexibility of a professional ballet dancer.

Tai chi chuan: Another unusual art that promises ultimate power from moving very slowly for many years. The drawback being that by the time you develop the ultimate power you are close to death anyway.

Tatami: "Straw mat." A mat usually measuring three by six feet and three inches thick (with bound straw inside.) Original purpose to prevent blood stains on the wooden floor.

Three sectional staff: Three sticks linked together. Usually used in beating oneself sensless

Zen: The discipline of enlightenment related to the Buddhist doctrine that emphasizes meditation, discipline, and the direct transmission of teachings from master to student. Mostly taught by rather old and confused monks who have had one too many rocks fall on their heads during waterfall meditation. Works best when sitting in a cave facing a wall for 10 years or so.

Thanks to Omega for the following:

Things I've learned from other martial arts

Point sparring: hit and run (tag your it)

Judo: why hit them with your fist when you can hit them with the ground

Aikido: best block don't be there

Brazilian Jujitsu: we're a lot more even on the ground

Krav Maga: eyes, nuts, throat…nuff said

Kempo: the quick and the furious, or "dude...how many times did you just get hit?"

Boxing: some times its the simple techniques that are the best

Taekwondo: intelligent feet are better than a dumb ass

Muay Thai: MT+TKD=KO

Karate: see kung-fu

Wrestling: to avoid being taken down you need to have a good base :::slam::: see you weren't paying attention.

Kickboxing: hell yeah I can take a hit

Hapkido: how to completely embarrass somebody with joint locks.

Vale Tudo: Higher consciousness through harder impact

Kung fu: not only can I kick your ass but I look good doing it

9/15/2006 7:44pm,
That was good for a giggle. Thanks for posting!

Doctor X
9/15/2006 8:24pm,
Iai-do Tai Chi sword-drawing . . . with Magic Pants!!

Kiai a scream of desperation and disappointment that more time was not spend on actually learing to fight. Akin to the sound a gerbil makes just as it slides down the gullet.

Sash Chinese martial arts better and older than everyone else. So we did not create these after them. No. Not at all. **** you.

SCA Virgin

ATA Martial Arts Amway


9/15/2006 8:38pm,
Nothing about chi and farting?

9/15/2006 8:59pm,
Iai-do Tai Chi sword-drawing . . . with Magic Pants!!
You're just jealous because you don't get to wear the magic pants!

Doctor X
9/15/2006 9:01pm,
You're just jealous because you don't get to wear the magic pants!

Runs away crying . . . runs back . . . picks up ball . . . runs away again. . . .


9/15/2006 9:24pm,
Runs away crying . . . runs back . . . picks up ball . . . runs away again. . . .

See the power of the magic pants! Look how they drive away those that mock them!

You will adapt to service the magic pants. All your base are belong to the magic pants. Resistance to the magic pants is, and always has been, futile!

9/15/2006 9:25pm,
I forgot how to laugh!

9/15/2006 9:30pm,
I forgot how to laugh!
Failed, I have.

Into exile at Sociocide, I must go.

9/15/2006 9:35pm,
I dont wear magic pants, but i got magic pajamas.

Doctor X
9/15/2006 9:41pm,
Somebody delivered me up the Magic Pants!!!