PDA

View Full Version : For the parents...advice needed



Pages : [1] 2 3 4

Miguksaram
11/04/2005 10:02am,
Ok here's the situation,

My 11 year old just got into a fight with a former friend of his. In a nut shell he whooped him. From what I was told, my son got slapped by him and then he retaliated with a punch to the face, kicked in his knee and then elbowed his friend in the jaw, cracking his tooth, which ended it and incidently prompted a phone call from the kid's parents to me (which is how I heard about the whole incident in the first place). Lucky for me it was a baby tooth on the kid, which is why the parents aren't going totally ape **** on me right now. Though they are still wanting me to pay his dental bill.

Anyway, I now find out that his ex-friend is spreading the rumors that he beat my son and has rallied a several other kids to jump him. This of course is what I am hearing from my son who has been trying to find excuses not to go to school and has not had any appetite lately because of this. When I talked to him about it last night, I found out why he was so upset. He told me that he is really scared to fight becuase he is afraid he might really hurt someone. He was shooken up by the fact that he hurt his ex-friend like he did and now he is scared that if these kids jump him he may end up really hurting one of them.

He asked me to tell the school about the threat. Which I did today (still waiting on the phone call back). I told him to avoid them if possible but defend yourself regardless. I even told him to rally his friends and hang in a group to possibly deter the other group from jumping him. So my question to the parents, is what would you tell your kid given the situation?

CMS
11/04/2005 10:13am,
Tell him to apologize... and watch his back.

FictionPimp
11/04/2005 10:17am,
I lived my middle school/high school life like that. tell him that if he is attacked find the biggest kid in the group, make him cry. I got attacked by 8 kids once on the way home from school. I broke the biggest kids nose, the rest scattered. I would of lost if they would of kept comming, but thanks to that kids nose I only got a black eye.

Miguksaram
11/04/2005 10:20am,
Tell him to apologize... and watch his back.

Even though it was the friend that started this ****?

Miguksaram
11/04/2005 10:23am,
I lived my middle school/high school life like that. tell him that if he is attacked find the biggest kid in the group, make him cry. I got attacked by 8 kids once on the way home from school. I broke the biggest kids nose, the rest scattered. I would of lost if they would of kept comming, but thanks to that kids nose I only got a black eye.

I've already told them that they must be scared of him if the only way they can come at him is with a group. I also told him not to fight the group but to fight them one at a time, if it went down. It sucks just sitting here and not really being able to help him.

samadhi_fire
11/04/2005 10:32am,
Even though it was the friend that started this ****?


Well... I'm with CMS on this. Sometimes, an apology will save alot of trouble. It's true that the friend started it but it was your son who kinda went overboard. Deep down inside, he knows it - that's why he's scared he's gonna hurt someone again. By apologising and taking responsibility for his actions, it'll give him the necessary closure and he'll be the better man for doing so.

Loss of face > doing something your son may regret for the rest of his life or worse, turn him away from MA forever. =(

CMS
11/04/2005 10:37am,
Even though it was the friend that started this ****?

Yup. Focus on ending the ****, not who started it. He's already sent the message that he's not someone to be triffled with. Apologizing is a lot less trouble than dealing with the bs.

daGorilla
11/04/2005 10:51am,
Even though it was the friend that started this ****?


Who the hell cares who started it? This is a clear example of why moral/ethical lessons should NOT be removed from martial arts training -- at least when you're talking about kids.

Regardless of who started it, it sounds like your kid handled himself well in the fight -- but probably over-reacted. Also, how did he handle himself before the actual swinging of blows started? Did he have a chance to walk away? Did he jump into action more quickly than he should have?

Kicking the knee alone can inflict serious, life-long (Read: sue your ass into oblivion) injuries. You're probably lucky a dental bill is all you might be facing. If little johnny is a potential soccer all star, I bet his parents could potentially sue you for all kinds of ****.

Apologizing (i.e. getting the two kids to sit down and 'work it out') is probably the best way to potentially mend the situation (perhaps with an adult present to help mediate) before it escalates into a senseless series of more fights. As the old saying goes, violence breeds more violence -- and hopefully some idiot won't get it in his head to "bring dad's gun to school..."

Anyway, I'm not blaming you or your kid for anything -- but life just not so simple as "he started it and deserved to get the **** kicked out of him." In real life (particularly adult life) that's the attitude that lands your ass in jail, gets the **** sued out of you, or gets you dead when an ego-bruised ass wipe (whose ass you just kicked in a bar after he "started something") goes out to his truck, grabs his gun, and shoots your ass dead. Sometimes the best way to "win" is to "lose" (or compromise).

If nothing else, I suspect your kid will come away from this with a valuable lesson.

-daGorilla

Ming Loyalist
11/04/2005 10:55am,
he's learned the most important lesson in MA:

1) the person left standing at the end of the fight gets blamed.

KhorneliusPraxx
11/04/2005 10:59am,
Even though it may have been overkill, I don't know about the apology.
I bet the other kid will think twice about smacking somebody in the future.
At this point definitely get the school involved. I would meet with whoever is in charge of this sort of thing at his school, at my sons school it is the Vice Principal. MOST IMPORTANTLY, keep them posted on ALL developements. If your son hears the slightest rumor, make sure he tells immediately. Make sure that the school knows that you will do anything to avoid an incident, but if there is no other option, your son has you blessing to defend himself by whatever means necessary.

My son switch to public school last year and immediately had a bully taking money from him in the school yard using nothing more than the threat of violence. I asked if he told anyone he said that he didn't. I told him to tell the Vice Principal EXACTLY what happened and that if that happens again, he will refuse and defend himself. The day he did it, he was wearing his The Thai Boxing Association of the U.S.A t-shirt, for extra emphasis. :icon_rr: The kid was warned by the VP and he has never started anything. Personally, I told my son if someone is just picking on you, trying to get under your skin, stay calm and don't fly off the handle. If somebody says, "Give me money or I will hurt you", that is attempting "STRONG ARMED ROBBERY" and at that point, blast him in the noses as hard as you can. I have no sympathy for criminal thugs. :eusa_snoo

Running Ronin
11/04/2005 11:01am,
Is better to have a friend than an extra enemy, right ?. Its Ok to teach him on how defend himself in case of being jumped by a group kids (run like hell), look why dont you keep this simple by pursuing a peaceful resolution than living with the tought that your kid may come home severely injured over some simple playground fight ? Be mature he is your kid.

dramaboy
11/04/2005 11:09am,
I've already told them that they must be scared of him if the only way they can come at him is with a group. I also told him not to fight the group but to fight them one at a time, if it went down.

Like he'll have a choice!!??

I'd get together with the other guys parents. You, your son and the parents. Your son will say that he's sorry, that he realizes he went too far and that it won't happen again.
I wouldn't go into details of who started what, it's all second hand information. What counts is the tooth.

I'm sure the other guy's parents will view him differently if he bring himself to do it.

As for the threat, kids will fight, you can't prevent it. It's all about domination, there's no real danger. I'd make sure he knows it's ok (and actually that it's SMART) to run away when **** starts to happen.

Good luck, my older son is 7, I'm heading your way here:))

Tomas

whitematt
11/04/2005 11:12am,
I like the idea of a mediator.

Call his family and arrange a meeting - parents and kids.

That would be the time and place for your son to apologize. Then discuss the rumors that are circulating. Make it known that you don't want anyone else to be hurt - your son, their son, or any friends that may get involved. Let them know you only have the boys' best interest at heart.

I would suggest buying a round to descalate the situation, but you did say they were 11. Offer to take their son out for pizza, bowling, a movie... something. If they have a good time together this whole thing will likely just go away.

strongbad
11/04/2005 11:17am,
Tell your kid to learn how to get along without hitting others.
Most kids go through their entire lives without getting in fist fights.

But if you must teach him how to defend himself enroll him in a wrestling or Judo program where he can learn a more nuanced response to aggression.

Miguksaram
11/04/2005 11:25am,
Yup. Focus on ending the ****, not who started it. He's already sent the message that he's not someone to be triffled with. Apologizing is a lot less trouble than dealing with the bs.

I attend to agree in all. Did my son over react? I really can't say. I am basing it off what he told me which was the friend attacked him first with a couple of swings. I really wanted him to figure out what to do on his own in dealing with this problem. I told him that I would only get involved if he wanted me to. Last night is when he asked me to tell the school about the threat. I didn't want to
be the parent who rats out the other kids. However, he wanted me to inform the school of the situation so that shows that he isn't the violent type looking to get into more ****.

Peter H.
11/04/2005 11:30am,
Ah, sounds like High School all over again.

Your son just learned the most important lesson of a physical confrontation at school: Escalation.

From the description of what happened, your son went overboard and retaliated as opposed to defending himself or getting away.

That said, I would tell the other kids parents that their son started the fight by assaulting your son, and is now making threats to him at school and assembling a gang to seek retaliation against your son. I wouldn't even consider the option of assisting with dental bill until they put a curb on their own child's activities, as they constitute a felony in most places, while your son's actions where not a crime, or misdemeanor assault at most.

And even then, no way I'm paying the whole bill, I'll split it with them, and if they don't like it, they can talk to my John Malcovich looking lawyer about my lawsuit for assualting my kid and the mental trauma that has resulted from it.