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xingyifa
6/17/2005 10:43pm,
OK...so we've started putting together the ultimate bullshido kata:

http://www.bullshido.net/forums/showthread.php?t=24990

What ultimate bullshido system would be complete without the ultimate bullshidoka? I figure the ultimate bullshidoka would combine all the "best" elements of the current top offenders while simultaneously being so vague as to leave no method for checking his outrageous claims. Firstly, our bullshidoka would of course grow up next door to a secret ninja master who teaches him the deadly arts from the age of 5 or so. Of course there needs to be a reason why he later can't show people who taught him or verify this in any way....amnesia maybe? He needs to be from an elite military unit of some sort that cannot be verified...also he should claim to have been a mercenary/bouncer/streetfighter/trainer of the elite too...
His system needs to be too deadly for combat and he should probably only teach overpriced seminars as someone might actually challenge him if he owned and operated a school. Three page ads in BB magazine for his invincible system also a must.
Seriously though, I'm considering buying ashidakim.net and doing some serious parody action. Any suggestions for creating the ultimate bullshidoka? Also, if anyone has a decent digital cam and would consider taking some "action shots" for the site PM me.

Kistrael
6/17/2005 10:54pm,
Grows up next to a middle-aged ninja; learns ancient deadly art and becomes a master at 10. When looked into, the neighbor he grew up with wasn't even asian, and no style can be found that resembles it.

Works as a bouncer while in school to pay off the hospital bills of kicking everybody's ass

Enlists in the military when he turns 18, but was so deadly he got put into shadow ops (since it's super-secret, it can't be verified)

...I'd go further, but I've got such a fucking headache.

EternalRage
6/17/2005 11:19pm,
also certified by our president.

yes i went there.

Poop Loops
6/18/2005 12:18am,
I'll do you one better: Certified by the Pope.

PL

Samfoo
6/18/2005 3:02am,
I'll do you one better: Certified by the Pope.

PL

I'll do you one better: molested by the Pope. (oh god, I'm going to get killed for that aren't I?)

lifetime
6/18/2005 7:00am,
The pope's secret Vatican assassin-inquisitor unit is going to track you down and hurt you.

Because the Vatican operates the MOST FUCKING SUPER SECRET FIGHTING FORCE IN THE WORLD, IT IS SO DEADLY ELITE THAT IT WILL BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND, BECAUSE THEIR FIGHTING STYLE IS SO EASY YET DEADLY THAT THEY CAN **** YOU UP IN SECONDS WITHOUT PUNCHING OR KICKING OR LOOKING IN YOUR DIRECTION.

edit: there's an idea for ya! "member of the super-secret Catholic Enforcers unit"

jubei33
6/18/2005 8:27am,
I'll do you one better: Certified by the Pope.

PL


after pope John was shot, the super elite vatican gaurd needed training, he is who they went to.


I couldn't do my job without my new deadly skills I learned from him. I had to regester with with the local police, because I'm just THAT DEADLY now!----john gregory XI

jnp
6/18/2005 8:49am,
I guess the rad ki kids don't count since they can trace their lineage...back to Saturday morning cartoons.

DubhGhaill
6/18/2005 10:26am,
Actually, the Vatican has been gaurded by Swiss mercenaries for ages. They may serve a mostly ceremonial function now. (Don't know.) But the Swiss Gaurds were considered elite, back in the day.

Fantasy Warrior
6/18/2005 11:34am,
Cammo belt in kombat Hapjutsu (12th Dan)
Founder/ Gold belt (43rd Dan) in "Scientific lethal Applied Pressure Point fighting" -(irony anyone???)
Green belt in BJJ
Sells online courses
Bodyguard courses
National underground pugilist champion (country, time unspecified)
Former member of "Delta Force "Special Protection Unit" responsible for defending area 51

Method2Madness
6/18/2005 2:07pm,
has his own compound were all of his instructor live and train in his super deadly arts. Jumps off of a building to boost moral in his sudents. charges so much for his black belt course that his students have to take on a second job to pay for the course. Says he actually grew up in korea and was taught NinMooDoe from a fith level dragon-tiger grand master. Says his art is so deadly that he could kill somone 10 times before they hit he ground. believes he can throw a Kamehameha wave. thinks that ground fight training is a waste of time.

lifetime
6/18/2005 7:22pm,
Actually, the Vatican has been gaurded by Swiss mercenaries for ages. They may serve a mostly ceremonial function now. (Don't know.) But the Swiss Gaurds were considered elite, back in the day.

Which gives the whole Vatican-secret-agent thing a thin ring of possibility to the average uniformed member of society :new_2guns

This guy has to start his own cult. Maybe for BB students he demands that they give up their commitments and take up a live-in apprenticeship where they learn the Moons of Jupiter.

Jekyll
6/18/2005 7:25pm,
Photos of his grandmaster squinting and trying to look asian.

Samfoo
6/18/2005 8:22pm,
He's trained in Chipalani Taktar the only martial art from Antarctica. The last master died and he's the holder of the lineage (which goes back 10,000 years and has a comprehensive ground fighting system).

afronaut
6/18/2005 9:11pm,
I'm going to need some more inaccurately used Asian titles. Select a few from kyoshi, renshi, hanshi, soke, gunshi, professor, sifu and guro and sprinkle liberally.

Also, snidely disparaging comments about wrestlers, boxers, sport fighters, UFC, etc. Make it sound like Soke Dickweed has, you know, mastered all that and has evolved and moved on.

ssfsx17
6/18/2005 10:34pm,
Overly protective of his forum, always locking dangerous threads and deleting dangerous posts.

Or, his website looks like it was from the year 1997.