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The Mad Hatter
7/12/2004 8:59am,
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REQUIREMENTS FOR 11TH DEGREE BLACK BELT
(Master of Karate)


Well before testing for this rank any experienced Karate teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:

Escape from Dojo: the quick exit to avoid clean up and helping questioning faces.


Sleeper Stance: standing at the corner of the Dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion.


Sigh of Wisdom: sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury.


Crossing Fingers: a hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.


Gift of Instruction: the act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly.


Seeing Without Seeing: the dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.


Kuchi Waza (mouth technique): using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza.


Mugger's Defense: offering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.


Sensei's Downfall: failing to ask for enough money to keep the Dojo open.
Further requirements:

Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).


Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.


Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot.


Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.


Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.


Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice).


Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something).


Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.


Must be able to change into a karate gi in a phone booth at any given moment.


Must be able to sing Karaoke.


Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).


Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".


Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.


Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat.


Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.


Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.

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I ran across this while bored at work, I had a few chuckles, hopefully you did too.

jkdbuck76
7/12/2004 9:41am,
No joke, but back in September of 2000, we had a local karate guy try to take on a gun-weilding madman. Luckily for the karate teacher, the guys gun jambed. Karate guy ran like heck. Gun weilding madman unjammed gun and killed himself.

Funny part: karate man came up to the gunman with a wooden sword. I'll photocopy and post it someday.

I think karate teacher in this case earned the 11th degree

Chupacabra
7/12/2004 9:43am,
Originally posted by Jkdbuck76
No joke, but back in September of 2000, we had a local karate guy try to take on a gun-weilding madman. Luckily for the karate teacher, the guys gun jambed. Karate guy ran like heck. Gun weilding madman unjammed gun and killed himself.

Funny part: karate man came up to the gunman with a wooden sword. I'll photocopy and post it someday.

I think karate teacher in this case earned the 11th degree

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wtf

Matsufubu
7/12/2004 10:04am,
Ri-i-i-ight...so he takes the guy on when he thinks the gun is working, but flees in terror when it jams...

jkdbuck76
7/12/2004 11:47am,
OK. Let me go find the clipping in the local rag and post it. The story from my cop friend is that some disgruntled employee went on a shooting rage here in Richmond, IN. Chine gunman wounded one man who ran to a Kuksool school. The instructor grabbed a wooden sword off the wall and went down the street into the restaurant. Apparently, the gunman saw the wood-wielding man, laughed and pulled the trigger.

Kuksool guy just stupidly rushed in there, according to my friend. Kuksool teacher is the laughing stock of this whole town. He's lucky to be alive. I'll find it and post it. But it according to my friend, it did happen.

The Chinese gunman killed one man that day and killed himself. The Chinese gunman shooting spree is documented, I'll see if kuksool man with wooden sword is in the paper for sure or not.

Osu
7/12/2004 1:26pm,
Thread hijacked after 1 post. Not bad Buck.
Anyway, the stuff from the initial post is old

jkdbuck76
7/12/2004 1:41pm,
OK folks. I just scanned some microfiche from the local library. Since I'm too retarded to know how to post JPEGS to my replies, just post your email address here and I'll send you the pages from the Palladium-Item September 14, 2002 paper (correction: I stated 2000 in myh post above which is incorrect).

I quote page A1 from the Sept. 14, 2002 Palladium-Item an article called "Customers left fearing for lives by Bill Engle"-- about halfway down, the article says....

---Gary Phillips, owner of Kuk Sool Won martial arts studio, which is around the corner on East Main Street from the restaurant, was teaching a class when Jade Palace employees and Bobby Sams, the building's owner, came rushing in.
Sams was wounded.
"They all came rushing into my studio," Phillips said. "I had my students call 9-1-1. I grabbed a wooden sword and went over there."
Phillips started into the restaurant when he suddenly came face to facd with the shooter.
"I started in the door and there he was, maybe 10 feet away," Phillips said. "He just looked at me and smiled. Then he raised the gun and I got out of there. It was very unnerving."

TO MATSUFUBU: I just emailed 3 jpegs taken from the Microfiche file of the Palladium-Item archives to your email address at [email protected] from my email address of [email protected] I take your insinuation to be that I'm full of crap. If you do think I'm full of crap---STFU! The evidence speaks for itself. And if you still think I'm full of crap after having viewed the pictures, then I hope you are hog rushed by real hogs and that they poke your eyes out, then rape the empty sockets (just kidding).

jkdbuck76
7/12/2004 1:43pm,
crap! I think it was page A1. Whatever the front page is. I REALLY need to stop sniffing glue!

JKDChick
7/12/2004 1:45pm,
jkdbuck?

"Chinaman" is NOT cool. Don't use it, please.

jkdbuck76
7/12/2004 1:53pm,
OK. I seriously didn't know. My apologies, JKDChick.

Te(V)plar
7/12/2004 1:59pm,
is jkdchick asian or PC? At least he didn't say "Rickshaw pulling, bucktoothed chinee".


Racism is fun.

jkdbuck76
7/12/2004 2:06pm,
Originally posted by Te(V)plar
is jkdchick asian or PC? At least he didn't say "Rickshaw pulling, bucktoothed chinee".


Racism is fun.


No. It's not for me. I'm embarrased about it. I never knew the term was racially insensitive....seriously. I mean, some people think "honkey" is OK and it is not. Anyway, if you want to see the clippings from the local rag of a Kuk Sool Instructor bringing a WOODEN knife to a gunfight, let me know on this post.

xero
7/12/2004 7:30pm,
Originally posted by Te(V)plar
is jkdchick asian or PC? At least he didn't say "Rickshaw pulling, bucktoothed chinee".


Racism is fun.

For the whole family even.

Matsufubu
7/13/2004 4:28am,
Originally posted by Jkdbuck76
No. It's not for me. I'm embarrased about it. I never knew the term was racially insensitive....seriously. I mean, some people think "honkey" is OK and it is not. Anyway, if you want to see the clippings from the local rag of a Kuk Sool Instructor bringing a WOODEN knife to a gunfight, let me know on this post.

Shut it, you redneck, peckerwood, cracker-ass, honkey ************!

jkdbuck76
7/13/2004 8:55am,
You forgot "white bread".

Matsufubu
7/13/2004 9:36am,
Don't correct me, you white bread, redneck, peckerwood, cracker-ass, honkey ************!