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slamdunc
3/01/2015 12:11pm,
WASHINGTON, DC (AP) -
President Obama signed into law sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), signed into a major victory by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

President Obama at the press conference claimed "Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence or drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society. We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over.

With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers simply because they do a better job or have some idea of what they are doing."

President Obama pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%)

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 'middle-man' positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?" and "Are you awake?"

"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

ghost55
3/01/2015 12:31pm,
Positions for these people already exist. It's an entire industry even. It's called "private security".

slamdunc
3/01/2015 12:35pm,
Positions for these people already exist. It's an entire industry even. It's called "private security".Is that inclusive of bail enforcement 'agents'?

ghost55
3/01/2015 12:37pm,
Is that inclusive of bail enforcement 'agents'?

Don't know. Haven't met any.

goodlun
3/01/2015 7:35pm,
You do know that this is satire right?

mike321
3/01/2015 10:41pm,
You do know that this is satire right?
I do wonder what happens if our economy evolves to the point where average skills have no value.

ghost55
3/02/2015 5:58am,
You do know that this is satire right?

Yup. So was what I posted. Some security guards have some seriously impressive skills. One of my coworkers could apparently make mean weed cookies.

gregaquaman
3/02/2015 6:09am,
Positions for these people already exist. It's an entire industry even. It's called "private security".

How do you become a security guard?

Fail at everything else in life.

ghost55
3/02/2015 6:19am,
How do you become a security guard?

Fail at everything else in life.
That was my experience with my coworkers when I worked for a *large unnamed shitty security company* last summer.