View Full Version : Customer Service: a choose your own adventure

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1/24/2015 8:37pm,
Well, I had a less than satisfactory customer service experience recently. They could have asked for a fax from the credit card owner with a signed credit card authorization form to cover their butts, since I offered a reasonable solution.

Instead, this exchange happened.

From: Customer Service
To: Me

This order won't ship - we are not comfortable with the number of names
used here

From: Me
To: Customer Service

It's a gift for a friend, but I don't have a credit card so my
housemate let me use it.
Do I need to have the order shipped to my house, then? That can be done.

From: Customer Service
To: Me

The person that places the order must be the card holder. We won't
fill another order for you. Security has put a hold on anything to any of
those names or addresses. We are very concerned about credit card
fraud and very strict about card usage.

From: Me
To: Customer Service

Well I appreciate being concerned about fraud but that's pretty
extreme, especially since the person I was shipping it to is someone
who has ordered from you before, I'm quite sure, and he's going to be
quite upset. I was just going to have my housemate fill it out himself, pay
for it hismelf, and have it shipped here, where he and I live. But it
seems that you are going to be entirely unreasonable about this. All
because I wanted to send a surprise gift directly to my friend, and I
don't have a credit card because I hate the debt trap that they can
be. Being someone who is poor, I choose to be responsible and not get
something that will put me in inescapable debt. Having some extra cash
at the moment, and wanting to give someone a gift, I used the site he
recommended to me.
If you're going to be so unreasonable, that's your loss. And my

From: Customer Service
To: Me

Merchant services (Visa - Mastercard) gives us rules and if the card
holder says that this was not an authorized transaction even if he just
gets angry with you up to 6 months after the charge we have no recourse
but to accept the loss. The merchant is always the one that loses.
All of the fraud you hear about on the internet it is never the credit
card company that that takes the hit - it is the merchant. The number
of chargebacks affects how much we pay for credit card services - the
percentage on each order. If there is a chargeback we are also assessed
a fee which can range from $25.00 to $125.00 just for the chargeback.
We sell at wholesale prices - we are not in a position to have enough
profit on orders to sustain those kinds of losses. Our rules are NOT
unreasonable. They keep us in business.

From: Me
To: Customer Service

Why don't you get with the times and get paypal, then?

From: Customer Service
To: Me

Then we would have to charge our customers more as paypal charges
excessive rates - it is why when you shop with us you actually pay
wholesale and not retail prices.

From: Me
To: Customer Service

Well that would be lovely, except I cannot shop with you now. Nor can
my housemate, or the friend that the gift was meant for, since you've blocked all three of us, even if my housemate
were to place the order himself, pay for it with his card, and have it
sent to his billing address, with all transaction details and
communication going through his e-mail address.

From: Customer Service
To: Me

Yes alas life is unfair -

From: Me
To: Customer Service

So professional!

From: Customer Service
To: Me

You are right - you are so smart - you are so wonderful - you know
everything . . . . . you should be in charge of the world . . . . feel

From: me
To Customer Service

Your hand hovers over the mouse button, gleefully trembling. This will be the best submission to notalwaysright.com ever! The masses of your fellow retail service industry denizens will cheer, having always wanted to say something to a stupid, unreasonable customer.
Suddenly, there is a flash of bright light behind you!
Swiveling in your office chair, which always tilts back violently if you try to lean on the back rest, (and why do they do that, anyway?) you see an astonishing sight!
Three beings, purplish-green in hue, adorned with a plethora of waving tentacles, three eyes, and three short, stocky legs, stand before you.
"We are from the planet Xreem," intones the biggest one, standing in the middle. "I fear you have set to motion a series of events that shall lead to a great cataclysm that will tear apart the multiverse?"
"Uh, come again?" you reply incredulously.
"You see, by denying the shipment of three rather cheap items to a certain address, that which was foretold has not come to pass! Now you must come, swiftly, on a quest to put things right. There will be untold dangers and the journey shall be long, but unless you, the chosen one, act now, all will be lost. Looooooooooooost..."
Epic music plays out of nowhere.

What will you do?

If you turn around, submit your entry, and ignore the Xreemians until they go away, choose 32

If you agree to go with them, choose 59

If you throw your Game of Thrones Peter Dinklage collectible bobble head desk ornament at them, choose 43


Well, they never replied, so I guess they didn't want to play.
Pick a number, first one gets to turn to that page.

1/24/2015 9:14pm,
43 of course!

1/24/2015 9:35pm,
Page 43:

With a mighty squeak, you hurl your Game of Thrones Peter Dinklage collectible bobble head desk ornament at the Xreemians, because you've seen enough hentai to know where this is going.

Unfortunately, your carpal tunnel syndrome, developed after years of scrolling through hentai porn on Usenet, causes your wrist to cramp up with shooting pains, and you miss the Xreemians, tossing the figurine into the interdimensional portal that is hidden behind them!

A bright flash appears, and you find yourself surrounded by white light, seeing only... THIS!


A mighty, somewhat sarcastic voice rings out from everywhere and nowhere.
"YOU HAVE SUMMONED THE MIGHTY DINKLAGE, GOD-KING OF THE MULTIVERSE! GAZE UPON MY WORKS AND DESPAIR, MORTAL! Wait- are you the guy- oh damn it, it's THAT GUY! Did he ship the package? HE DIDN'T SHIP THE PACKAGE! Oh that's great. Just lovely really. Don't mind us. We're just trying to RUN THE GODDAMNED UNIVERSE. Nothing IMPORTANT. Lovely. Just lovely."

You are floating in a white, featureless void, and the bobblehead is glaring at you malignantly.

What do you do?

If you curl up in a fetal position, gibbering, turn to page 25

If you say "Yes alas life is unfair" turn to page 79

If you attempt to roleplay with King James Bible type speak, turn to page 4

If spontaneous incontinence before your lord and master god-king of the multiverse, Peter Dinklage, is more your style, turn to page 13

1/24/2015 10:04pm,
Page 4 please.

1/24/2015 10:29pm,
This is why my customer service role has an option to choke people.

And visa debit.

1/25/2015 5:44am,
Page 4

"Yea verily m'lord, yiff yiff," you exclaim, bowing and tipping your fedora with a flourish.

"...betch no," the bobblehead says, and it vanishes in the light with an audible pop.

Before you is an automated scanning machine.

"Welcome to Wormholeway," says a chipper automated voice. "Have you scanned your multiverse pass today?"

"Damned things never work right," mutters a Xreemian, who has apparently been sucked in alongside you. He slides a card through a slot.

"Unexpected being in wormhole area. Please wait for assistance."

"No, dammitt. He's right here! He's supposed to be here!"

"Unexpected being in wormhole area. Please wait for assistance."

Before you, the wormhole spirals off into the distance. Who knows what might lie on the other side!

What will you do?

If you decide to beat the **** out of the machine Office Space style, turn to page 33

If you make a run for the end of the wormhole, turn to page 27

1/25/2015 8:36am,
Page 33.

1/25/2015 12:18pm,
"You charge, brandishing the baseball bat you have inexplicably been carrying all along, shrieking Ice Cube lyrics in a voice rendered laughably girlish due to your impotent rage.

The Xreemian, though unfamiliar with both baseball and Mr Cube, seems to have inferred your intent, and shrieks "no! You dullard!" However, his protests are drowned out by the blood flow associated with your berserker rage pounding through your ear drums. With a faint taste of copper in your mouth, you lay into the accursed machine.

The automated scanning machine says 'it sounds like you're beating the dicks out of me. If so, please press one. If you know the party you are trying to reach press two. If you wish to return a fondue pot, press three. If you wish to speak to a sentient being with the knowledge and inclination to assist you, press [unpronounceable, presumably an alien mathematical symbol not known on Earth]. To hear these options again, align your thoughts with the spirit of the Great Overload Kcihcilleb.'

Also, the Xreemian seems to be agitated and trying to say something to you."

Keep pounding the automated scanning machine: page 129

Press "Three:" page 4

Attempt to press the unpronounceable concept: page e.

Listen to the Xreemian for a second: page 61

Bat the Xreemian: page 3069

1/25/2015 12:29pm,
Page e please. I live on the edge.

1/25/2015 1:19pm,
"You attempt to press the key in question, but quickly realize there are a number of symbols on the scanner that range from unrecognizable to flatly impossible. You turn to the Xreemian, and say, 'hay, which one of these is the...'

You know what 'unpronounceable' means? Seriously, you can't pronounce that. In the attempt, you partially disgorge your glottis, which in turn, strikes you in the left kidney hard enough to put you onto what passes for ground in formless voids. The Xreemian is doing something that is probably analogous to laughing, and the automated scanner seems to be saying something."

Return to page 33, or

Try to force the bat into one of your own orifices in a mindless rage: page 100.

1/25/2015 2:37pm,
Page 100. Danger zone here I come.

W. Rabbit
1/25/2015 2:42pm,
From: Customer Service
To: Me

Merchant services (Visa - Mastercard) gives us rules and if the card
holder says that this was not an authorized transaction even if he just
gets angry with you up to 6 months after the charge we have no recourse but to accept the loss. The merchant is always the one that loses. All of the fraud you hear about on the internet it is never the credit card company that that takes the hit - it is the merchant.

LOL why would the card company take a hit for fraud. All the **** Mastercard and Visa do is issue plastic cards with numbers on them.

It's the MERCHANTS who **** it up and spill them to criminals. So yeah, the merchant should be the one that loses, not Visa or Mastercard.

Honestly this is Bullshido, do the right thing and spill the company name and website so we can all avoid them.

Lots of people need jobs and could use the seat of this particular asshole.

1/25/2015 3:07pm,
Page 100. Danger zone here I come.

You come back to reality with your pants simultaneously around your ankles, and clenched in your teeth. You first conscious thought is "this wasn't a good idea." I will leave the more graphic details to a PM that Holy Moment will send you later, but your next conscious thought is "what was that popping noise?" The automated scanner recorded the entire debacle, and uploaded it to the Outernet. Unbekownst to you, you have instantly become a polygalactic meme/porn sensation. The proceeds from the associated ad revenue, microtransactions, merchandising, and the inevitable series programming all go to Prince William's personal bank account, as is typical in these cases.

As you wonder how to affect a field expedient rectal suture, the Xreemian approaches you.

"Nice work, dipshit, that was the last wormhole until gleeben o'clock. Now we're stuck here for at least six mobtaks."

You reply, "the **** are you making up stupid time units for? You're already speaking English, why make everything complicated? You'll just **** it all up eventually."

"Unless I use a different font, it will be difficult to distinguish which of us is which, so I'll have to inject enough fake alien gibberish to let the readers with shorter attention spans keep up."

"Oh, that makes sense. Proceed."

"Like I was saying, we are both figuratively fucked, and you are literally so."

"Ah. So we can't get out of here?"

"Well, yes we can, but it will be... unpleasant."

"Of course. Speaking of which, would you mind pulling this thing out of me?"



"Yeah. Thanks, I guess."

"Well, anyway, it would be my honor to treat an Outernet celebrity as yourself to wormhole fare if you want to hang around. Otherwise, I guess you could wander off and see how you fend for yourself."

"Ah. OK. I'm a what now?

"Never mind."

Wait for a wormhole: page 87.

Wander off: page 120.

1/25/2015 3:10pm,
Page 120 please. Patience is for pussies.

1/25/2015 3:52pm,
"Well, **** you very much, I'm outta here."

"Wait, six mobtaks, by your earth reckoning is..."

"Don't care."

You tie a couple half hitches in the tattered remnants of your prolapsed rectum, hoist your chocolatey bat over your shoulder, and proceed to **** off.

Soon, you realize two things. One, navigating in a void is a pretty dodgy operation. Two, holding the business end of an object that has had intimate knowledge of your digestive system directly next to your face is not a very good idea. You discard the crapstained bat. It is eaten promptly by a grue.

Go.... left? Page 55.

Go... um... other left? Up? Inward? Page 56.

1/25/2015 4:33pm,
Page 56. Were on a fucking adventure here.