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Devil
10/21/2013 2:44pm,
15501


Fortunately for my children, I'm much better at being a martial arts parent than I ever was at being an actual martial artist. Sure, I had my moments karate kicking my way to glory (Hi-Yah!!) and knee barring the **** out of new BJJ students in their first week of training before they could exact revenge in week two. As it turns out though, parenting little ass kickers seems to be where I shine.

I originally had the idea for a parenting thread because I wanted a place for us to chronicle the craziness you see from parents in the course of your training. Most martial arts schools still need kids in order to pay the bills so I know you have stories. Don't worry, we're still going to use this thread to tell stories of asshole parents but I thought I'd kick it off with some actual information that might help prevent a parent or two from being such an asshole. So this thread will be the mullet of martial arts parenting - business in the front and party in the back.

My kids are learning to grapple at the moment, so many of my examples will be from that point of view but they'll apply to other martial arts as well. Without further delay, here are some rules to help you avoid being a shitty martial arts parent:

1. Shut your stupid mouth. When you go to watch your kids train, sit there and be quiet. You're paying good money for your child to learn from professionals. Let them do their job. This is probably the biggest screw-up parents make. They can't stand to cut the umbilical cord for an hour and let their kids train on their own. I'll give some more specifics below, but many of the rules that follow revolve around this theme. Shut your pie hole.

2. Don't yell at your kid across the training floor in the middle of class. I know you can't fucking stand it that Little Johnny zigged when he was supposed to zag but get over it. If you think you have something of value to add to his training, take notes and discuss it with him after class.

3. Come to class and pay attention. Use your eyes and ears, not your mouth. This is not a daycare center. You need to know if your kid is a dick. I know your precious little flower is perfect in your eyes but sometimes these little sweet peas don't listen, are too rough with their training partners, wipe boogers on the mat and whatnot. You need to know if this is happening so you can correct your child - after class if it's not an emergency.

4. Take the time to learn a little bit about the martial art your kid is training in. Many times, since the Gods of War have awesome senses of humor, it will be the least knowledgeable parents who loudly and repeatedly violate Rule #1. I heard a parent in a recent seminar talking loudly on his cell phone. He was telling somebody that Royce Gracie was doing a seminar at his kid's school. Of course, he pronounced Royce with the R sound. The person on the other end obviously corrected him because he said "Well IT SAYS Royce (again with the R sound) right here!" Royce was standing about ten feet away at the time. lol. I've also heard a parent refer to BJJ as Karate and Muay Thai as Mai Tai. Learn a little so you don't sound like a buffoon all the time.

5. Every training session is not the Super Bowl. Chill the **** out. A couple weeks ago my son stuck around after class to get some rolling in. I've been encouraging him to roll with kids that are bigger than him because he's been trouncing most of the kids his own size. He was rolling with a kid that probably outweighed him by 25 lbs. The kid's father, who is a blue belt, felt the need to go stand 3 feet from them while they rolled and excitedly coach his fat son as if he were fighting for a UFC title. I would've told him to **** off, but I was wisely observing Rule #1, unlike this ass clown. Oh yeah, my son still caught him with an armbar. Usually that would mean nothing to me but this time I laughed a little on the inside.

6. Don't hold a grudge against a kid because he has a shitty parent. This one can be tough, but the poor little bastards didn't get to choose their parents.

7. Sandbagging at tournaments - don't do it. I know that cheesy painted gold medal Little Johnny wins after six years of wrestling by smashing a little girl who's been training for eight weeks will bring pride and respect to your family for many generations, but put your kid in the right damn division.

8. Everybody who can beat your kid is not a sandbagger. Yes, I'm sure your kid is a cross between Jacare and Luke Skywalker but sometimes the dark side wins. Accept it. Losing is part of improving.

9. Know when to push and when to go easy. There's nothing wrong with wanting your kid to be their best. Kids will sit on their asses, eat cheese balls and play Grand Theft Auto all day long if you let them. Sometimes a kick in the pants is a good thing. On the other hand, kids feel under the weather sometimes. Maybe they didn't sleep well. Maybe they just need a break. Let them take a day off occasionally.

10. If you want them to be good at martial arts, focus on their attitude more than their technique. I see so many parents get bent all out of shape because their kid screws up a submission attempt but they don't pay attention to the **** that matters the most - heart and hard work. My kids' instructors have some exercises they do as a competition with the kids. Without going into detail, they're exercises that most kids are capable of winning. It's all about heart. That's where I want to see my kids putting out. I want to see them working hard. I want to see them listening. I want to see them trying and paying attention. I don't give a **** if they screw up an Omoplata.

11. Your loud ass whiny toddler you let run around like a rabid wolverine while Little Johnny is in class is not cute. At all. Do something with that damn kid. He's fucking up the program.

12. Seriously, shut your stupid mouth. You don't need to call him over to fix his belt when it falls off. You don't need to yell at him to use his left foot instead of his right foot. You don't need to be on the phone running your trap. You don't need to be chatting up the hot mom sitting next to you. Shut the hell up.

I'm sure there are more crucial rules that I'm missing, but that's all that comes to mind at the moment. Feel free to add your own. Other than that, let me hear your stories about douchebag parents. I know you've got some.

Permalost
10/21/2013 3:15pm,
I've run sparring matches for kids divisions at tournaments, and the parents were by far the worst part. They'd come up to me to let me know that something the other kid did was illegal or hits too hard. The worst part was when they clearly did not understand the rules but felt the need to tell me, a kung fu teacher who was two feet from the action and constantly moving to get the best view, that their totally unqualified view from sitting down a hundred feet away was totally correct while I was wrong. But I wasn't allowed to tell them "shut up you ignorant **** face before I karate chop your goddamn windpipe closed"; since we had to keep the appearance of being nice, because many martial arts parents believe that martial arts are about calling people "sir" and bowing respectfully. So, in feigned humility, I'd either apologize and offer my uniform and chair to the parent so I could defer to their expert kung fu, or get the rulebook and read them the rules in my most patronizing slow voice. If they were still being a cock I'd be sure to mention that I'll be judging kung fu since before they got there till way after they leave right when their one kid is done competing.

As a teacher, one of the things I liked in martial arts parents is the parent speaking with me after their kids' lessons about how they're doing, what they worked on, and sometimes what they should work on before next lesson.

I taught one kid who's dad had a wing chun background. Parents with martial arts backgrounds can be annoying, because most martial artists parrot back what they're taught as if it was the one absolute truth. So, he would make sure his kid was tweaking his wrist to hit with the bottom three knuckles and goofy ass wing chun **** like that. If you wanna teach your kid your art, go right ahead. If you want someone else to teach them a different art, be quiet.

submessenger
10/21/2013 3:33pm,
Fucking brilliant, devil. #6, especially. Do you mind sharing the most recent session which led to this post?

RynoGreene
10/21/2013 3:39pm,
Awesome! The general "Chill the **** out" suggestion is one that ALL parents should take to heart.

Devil
10/21/2013 3:49pm,
Fucking brilliant, devil. #6, especially. Do you mind sharing the most recent session which led to this post?

There really wasn't one specific thing. I've been watching this stuff happen for a while. It's something different every week. It's not that much different from how parents behave with other sports for the most part. Competition is different though. Holy ****, parents lose their fucking minds. It can be emotional to watch your kid out there competing one on one with an aggressive opponent. Many parents can't handle it.

The most recent example was that I saw a parent bitch a ref out relentlessly for basically protecting his kid from getting his arm Frank Mir'd. The kid didn't tap from an armbar and the ref stopped it before the kid got hurt. Everyone was told in the rules meeting the ref would stop it if he felt like the competitor was in danger. Fucking parent went ape **** though.

submessenger
10/21/2013 4:07pm,
I've seen several good kids with fat, literally-McDonald's-eating (during training) parents on the sidelines, goading them, and it always reminds me of The Breakfast Club:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qMKSINQuSM

Your list should be printed up on little laminated cards that McDojo's give to parents as part of the signup/welcome package.

slamdunc
10/21/2013 4:12pm,
I was only able to like this one time, not the ten that it deserved. You nailed it all around and for once, I am at a loss.

http://i1261.photobucket.com/albums/ii595/slamdunc1/MilitaryBanner_zpsd361578d.png (http://s1261.photobucket.com/user/slamdunc1/media/MilitaryBanner_zpsd361578d.png.html)

Devil
10/21/2013 4:27pm,
Your list should be printed up on little laminated cards that McDojo's give to parents as part of the signup/welcome package.

Haha. You won't find this **** in a book on Amazon, but it's what parents need to hear if their kids train.

Holy Moment
10/21/2013 5:02pm,
13. None of this ****:

http://www.nj.com/news/index.ssf/2009/05/old_bridge_coach_pleads_guilty.html


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTTTUBDx_28


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckMpkyq5U9A

Permalost
10/21/2013 5:03pm,
Another martial arts parent pet peeve: parents who get their kids into martial arts to develop discipline in them. Sure, martial arts can kinda do that, but that's a parent's job and a parent expecting others to do that for them sucks. Plus, they say discipline like its not a nebulous concept but is instead an absolute quality that exactly parallels the parent's definition. If your kid's a little **** who absolutely refuses to listen or chill, martial arts will not make them disciplined, especially when the average karate instructor for kids must be overwhelmingly positive at all times and has little capacity for punishment.

Chili Pepper
10/21/2013 5:50pm,
Another martial arts parent pet peeve: parents who get their kids into martial arts to develop discipline in them.

yep. There's a reason I stopped teaching kids, closing in on 20 years ago now.

NeilG
10/21/2013 6:12pm,
As an instructor, here's my pet peeve: put your kids into class because they want to be there, not because you want them to be there for whatever reason. There's a difference between a shove to get your kid off the couch and active and forcing him to be somewhere he hates.

SpinKiK
10/21/2013 6:50pm,
Nice guideline. As an instructor for 13 years, I know that parents come in all types. In my experience, most parent complaints are a result of miscommunication. It's important to keep in mind that things that seems obvious to us based on our experience are not always obvious to parents. Especially in TMA, there are a lot of "unspoken" rules, and in grappling arts, there are a lot of things that seem brutal and/or unfair that really aren't.

But it seems silly to me not to teach kids just because of a few bad ones. Teaching kids is very rewarding and most kids (and parents) are not that bad.
Edit- C Pepper: I don't want you to think I was talking about you, that was a general statement and not aimed at you specifically.

Bneterasedmynam
10/21/2013 7:28pm,
Devil, your post should be required reading at all dojos by law.

Nefron
10/21/2013 7:41pm,
As an instructor, here's my pet peeve: put your kids into class because they want to be there, not because you want them to be there for whatever reason. There's a difference between a shove to get your kid off the couch and active and forcing him to be somewhere he hates.

While I was training sport JJ, there was an older high ranking Judo coach that sometimes did our classes. He was pretty badass, universally respected and had great technique and teaching skills. However, his children were at home anywhere but the gym. The younger one was your typical noisy kid that couldn't concentrate on anything for more than few seconds.

The real WTF was the older one. He was a few years younger than me, like begging high school at the time. A pretty cool guy outside the gym, that turned into a shapeless pile of goo on the mat. I swear that this kid went limp the moment you touched him. It was ridiculous. You couldn't even do normal positions with this guy, like holding him in your guard, because he was fucking limp all the time. He would just kinda fall over.

Once in a blue moon, he would surprise me with an outburst of strength that made me remember he actually has functioning limbs, and then he would go limp again.

Now, what the **** did his father think? He was there, he watched. I have no fucking idea.

That kind of **** is even worse in striking arts. You won't just get bored to death, you get the **** beaten out of you.

DARPAChief
10/21/2013 7:46pm,
3. Come to class and pay attention. Use your eyes and ears, not your mouth. This is not a daycare center. You need to know if your kid is a dick. I know your precious little flower is perfect in your eyes but sometimes these little sweet peas don't listen, are too rough with their training partners, wipe boogers on the mat and whatnot. You need to know if this is happening so you can correct your child - after class if it's not an emergency.

Indeed, if for nothing other than that a daycare centre caretaker would presumably possess some qualifications supporting child care or at the very least have some kind of oversight from a government organisation. Compared to something the entertainment industry, children in martial arts and the people looking after them are rarely subject to much regulation at all. Martial arts practice is consequently one of a dwindling few means by which predators can easily access children.