View Full Version : Time for a laugh

3/26/2004 1:21pm,

Martial Arts Books I'd Like to See...

The Speedy Hands of Tai Chi Chuan -- Three Time Chinese Tai Chi Chuan Champion reveals how to speed up your techniques.

Brazilian JiuJitsu Throwing Techniques -- This four-page book is a compendium of useful techniques to get your opponent between your legs.

TaeBo Competition Moves -- A National TaeBo Champion shows the "inside" techniques needed to win that tournament trophy.

Rules of the Game -- The official no-holds-barred competition handbook (including a 45-page appendix with the complete rules of no-rules submission matches).

Iaido: Drawing the Samurai Sword -- Special methods for drawing swords in pen or charcoal.

The Book of Five Rings -- A juggler's guide for working with up to 5 objects at a time.

Aikido - The Violent Path -- "I used to be humble", the author reveals, "then I discovered Aikido..."

The High Kicks of Wing Chun -- Taught in Hong Kong, the author (a frequent contributor to Black Belt Magazine) reveals the startling secrets behind the rare high kicks of Wing Chun.

Searching for Tae Kwon Do -- Are you having trouble locating someplace to study Tae Kwon Do? This 2065-page book reveals the ACTUAL addresses where you can find Tae Kwon Do instruction!

Judo Breath Techniques -- Do you think eating onions before practice is the ultimate? The author reveals his best recipes for noxious breath.

Secrets of the Ninja -- In clear, simple language this book provides complete and comprehensive details of the secret life of the mysterious author, as well as reveals for the first time the never-before-disclosed or used lethal poisons of a previously-unknown hidden ninja clan.

Professional Wrestling Guide -- Detailing the simple, understated moves that can quietly end a match, this book is full of tips on how to not injure your opponent (when fighting a man in a mask on a spring-loaded floor).

Kendo for Modern Times -- Forget the old-fashioned bamboo shinai, outdated wooden bokken, and even the sharpened steel sword, now you can learn to use the latest laser light sword made famous by Star Wars.

Fighting Kung Fu -- Who wouldn't want to remove those ugly scars of the Shaolin dragon on your forearms? Now you can with this simple "wax on, wax off" formula.

Geriatric Judo -- Over 100 pages filled with excuses why you can't practice tonight. Includes an appendix with the senior techniques: 32 throws that can be done with a cane or walker.

Juji Gatame Encyclopaedia -- Compiled by a brown belt in Alaska, this book details 57 major variations of Juji Gatame armbar, along with combinations and transitions from all standard positions. You must be a registered Judoka to purchase this book, not available to BJJ practitione

3/26/2004 1:23pm,
The Newcomer's Guide to Martial Arts Talk
When people say ... They really mean ...
Judo is better than karate. I only practice Judo.
Judo prepares you for the street. I've never used Judo on the street.
The martial arts are about striving to achieve a black belt. The martial arts are about money.
Chinese martial arts are the best! I practice a Chinese martial art.
High kicks are stupid. I can't do high kicks.
Tournaments are extremely important. I'm good at fighting and I win trophies.
The martial arts are about building character. You'll never be any good, but keep coming anyways.
Korean martial arts are the best. I practice a Korean martial art.
Board breaking techniques are not important. I couldn't break out of a paper bag.
I don't believe in colored belts. I learned in the backyard and nobody ever promoted me.
The martial arts are about building better people. Like me.
Grappling arts are the best. I practice a grappling art.
Sophisticated arts like Tai Chi and Aikido are far superior. Fighting frightens me.
He's a good martial arts teacher. He's in my organization.
He's a lousy martial arts teacher. I don't know anything about him.
My style is the best. I don't know anything about any other styles.
Promotions are not important. There's a grading coming up and it's important.
Throwing techniques are less important than grappling. I can't throw anyone and I'm tired of trying.
I'm an innovative, modern Western martial arts teacher, doing my own non-classical thing. I'm more interested in teaching than learning, and Asians ignore me because they know how ignorant I am.
Martial arts politics are the necessary result of official recognition by respectable associations to protect the public. I'm an officer in a large organization.
I hate martial arts politics. None of the large organizations recognize me or have the slightest interest in my existence.
In this system, we adapt the technique to fit the person. Do it the way I said to.
Competitions are a waste of time. I've never won any competitions.
Forms or kata are the highest expression of the inner essence of the martial arts. I read that somewhere -- and I've had enough of tournaments.
Kata or forms are useless. Bruce Lee said forms are useless.
One style is not better than another -- it's the individual that counts. Please don't go to another school.
Practice makes perfect. Please sign up again.
He doesn't deserve his rank. I didn't get promoted as fast as him.
Size and strength are not important. I'm bigger and stronger than average.
Science and leverage will always win out over brute force. I'm bigger and stronger than average.
The purpose of the martial arts is spiritual development and liberation from the ego. I'm so humble and wise, it's terrific.

"No brain, no gain."

3/26/2004 1:24pm,

3/26/2004 1:25pm,
why drawstrings should be tied:

3/26/2004 1:26pm,
sport judo

3/26/2004 1:28pm,
bwhahahahahahaha.....lol.....You have missed your calling.... What that calling is I don't know... but you truely have missed it.....

3/26/2004 1:30pm,
This was me when I started:

3/26/2004 1:32pm,
Posting stuff that is around the net? :-)
Seriously though, I have been thinking I like the BJJ rules for throw scoring better than Judo. If you throw and land in a dominant position you score...otherwise, sorry.

3/26/2004 1:33pm,
Just in case:

3/26/2004 1:34pm,
worst nightmare:

3/26/2004 1:36pm,
the draw back of aggressiveness:

3/26/2004 1:42pm,
Funny stuff. I didn't post it because I figured everyone must have seen that website at least a thousand times now.
There's more on that website though.
"when judo players ruled the world...
...All BJJ practioners would develop a painfull rash in the back forcing them to fight standing up" LOL

4/04/2004 8:21am,
Ronin I'm not quite sure what you mean by your above analogies. Are yu saying that Judo dosen't prepare you for the street ?

Guy Mendiola
4/04/2004 8:17pm,
Originally posted by ronin69
This was me when I started: Lol...

4/05/2004 1:26pm,
How 'bout these??

[A list of actual English subtitles used in some Hong Kong Kung Fu films:]

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules...no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg hairs!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert floor for your aunts to eat.
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.
21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
22. I am about to choke you like a chicken!