View Full Version : The ballad of Steven Seagal thread

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8/21/2011 2:28am,
Ok, before starting...we need some groundrules. This thread is for haikus, and not **** else. If you have something to say, say it with this structure.

5 syllables
7 syllables
5 syllables

If you want to comment on another posters haiku, or mock how craptastic the entire thread concept is...your comment should also be a haiku....like this:

5 syllables
7 syllables
5 syllables5 syllables
7 syllables
5 syllables

It's going to be a challenge to contain mean things about the walking cautionary tale that is Seagalilama (or my thread) to 17 syllables, but you can multi-verse it, and you'll be fine...except your dwelling on Steven Seagal haikus, so you're obviously pretty fuckin far from fine.

I have a daytime gig today (Sun), and when I get back (drunk), there should be some fine storytelling, honoring this man who resembles old fat Elvis in appearance only (without all that genius baggage).

I'm going to start it off. It's actually a story....a ninja story.

Ideally, even the setting text for this script, would be in haiku form. I'll go first. (in a new post)
This is a s3rious bisnaz alert. Do not adjust your int3rnets.

The council for int3rnets sanity, along with the auxiliary women's e-ethics and i-accountability commission have deemed this thread to be offensive to...pretty much everything.

Dr. Tool P.P. Bendingstaff of the transnational directorate of counter-trolling has rated this thread DRUNK.
"I think it's safe to eat, there's no blue on it yet"

Addendum: [Scene] does not count as a syllable. But that's it.
You can kill or maim him, but it's magic rules, so he can heal from pretty much anything. If he dies, you can bring him back as whatever, and wherever/whenever and continue. It's going to end up with ninjas somehow...I can feel it.

8/21/2011 2:37am,
I'll be dropping photoshops of some of the action, as the thread heats up, so ya know. I'll have to keep it SFW though. New Rulez.

Fat hand wobbles first
Following fat hand cam pans
Street is poorly lit

You can see mic yes
Clearly in picture and yet
Sound is still sketchy

Brought up by penguins
Taught to fry, and bake, and purge
At a tender age

Now assassin smiles
These jowls have eaten more steak
Than ten cows could give

Hero "Cletus Fire"
Waddles and stifles a fart
it's business time now

8/21/2011 2:58am,
Our hero enters
Out of breath from walking here
Ghetto thugs abound

No threat does he feel
Aikido gives confidence
But not skill sadly


there should be some fine prose
Haiku is not prose
It is poetry you fool
Even if not good

8/21/2011 3:04am,
Fat man seagali
known to these parts as cletus
seeks pen0r steroids

Straight to video
is not why this man's roadbound
aikido is boss

His feet perform feats
As does his belt yet even so
reinforced pants groan

8/21/2011 3:08am,
Haiku is not prose
It is poetry you fool
Even if not good
You should have waited
I can even more edit
History is dead

8/21/2011 3:23am,
**** me I'm hungry
I really want a sandwich
Fiona Apple

8/21/2011 3:40am,
A brotha jay-walks
Faster than Cletus can run
Or unleash front kick.

Cletus sings the blues
Old time, lardassed honky blues
Cletus so black now.

Brotha starts running
Across the street, away from
Crazy fat cracka.

8/21/2011 4:33am,
Anderson Silva
Claims this man as his sensei
Learn your place you fool

Aikido r0x0rz
Self defense is for realz yo
Front kick FTW

8/21/2011 4:53am,
Come, sing Zydeco!
Cletus be Cajun. He say
“Who dat?” when I call.

Three Chin Kingpin
shoots some damn sketchy hustlers.
He is Big Easy.

Magic pants gently
flow in perfumed winds amid
copious bullshit.

8/21/2011 5:04am,
Good acting is not
Everything, just ask Seagal
and Jean Claude Van Damme

Ballet, Aikido
And other types of dancing
Seem to sell movies

Larus marinus
8/21/2011 12:12pm,
In Above The Law
The intro gives martial arts
Fakes inspiration

Larus marinus
8/21/2011 12:29pm,
In Seagal's world view
Eskimos look like Chinese
And ride horses well

8/21/2011 12:51pm,
If you sub Seagal
for Van Damme in Blood Sport VI,
Chong Li would throw pork.

8/21/2011 12:54pm,
Shaky stick legs bear
huge load; pregnant man with pone?
Black can't slim mountains.

8/21/2011 5:52pm,
Seagal musterd chi
Lebell put on his jime
Seagal only peed

W. Rabbit
8/21/2011 6:28pm,
Cletus is ex spook,
FBI, DEA and
peaceful herbalist.

His lethal skills were
imparted to him by an
aging sushi chef.