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battlefields
11/16/2010 12:55am,
At work, sitting low in the fifth office chair I have had this year, a ghastly piece of machinery forced upon me, its meagre padding creating a numbness on my buttcheeks, something I would be thankful for were the metaphorical fucking I receive here literal. It is apparently my fault the backs of my chairs keep snapping, something to do with me stretching, leaning all the way back as I yawn, brought on usually from reading thread after thread, article after article, erotic blog after erotic blog and occasionally flipping the screen as a boss, or particularly loud co worker, wanders past so it reflects the work I am actually meant to be doing.

Some would say, "ahh, this is the life" and some would be right. However, some is also an unambitious son of a bitch whose idea of employment is monotonous, back breaking labour with little to no incentive and a salary reward that some high school drop outs would turn down. Take the fucking job, some, you fucking dickhead, take it, I don't want it anymore. Have fun breaking your back on a swivel chair, yeah, that's right, in 50 years time you are going to need a full time fucking chiropractor, these chairs are not ergonomic. Unergonomic, if you will. Although a chiropractor that fucks all the time might not be that bad, come to think of it.

Anyway, tomorrow I am going for an interview at a software company. I know a lot about computers, having been a child of the eighties, growing up with the internet and learning computer programming codes as a hacker since I was 7. Wait, no, that wasn't me, I'm not that chick from Jurassic Park. ****. I know **** all about computers, seriously, my first foray into the internet was 3 years 8 months ago, I "googled" martial arts and found here. I basically haven't left since. Do you reckon that would look good on a CV? "I can search the bullshido.net forums for keywords, I'm still learning the advanced search, though, because it keeps telling me I have to wait 19220 seconds before it will allow me to try again".

Where was I? That's right, Jurassic Park. No, wait, employment. So this current position is stifling, a great company to work for but it is family owned and no ability to climb the corporate ladder. My boss, the one I am directly answerable to and the only reason for my employment, is 82 years old. I don't know what you have planned for your life at 82, but I can tell you right now, the last place you would find me is in a place of employment, I would probably have ended it by then as I am guaranteed incontinence from this **** office chair I'm sitting on. Supposedly he retired at 60, at 61 he begged for a position, any position, that would get him away from his wife and her shopping. 82, a pace maker and two major heart operations give me a pretty good indication that my position here is not what people would call permanent. Not without blatantly laughing in my face, anyway.

They reckon if you can sell insurance you can sell anything. I believe them, insurance is a fucking scam and there are laws requiring insurance in all walks of life, therefore it is a scam backed by legislation. The thing is people hate insurance, especially brokers, even their own. Especially their own. They hate them with such a passion that if I say I am from an insurance broker, I open my umbrella with the full expectation of having acid thrown in my face. And that is at my own dinner parties.

Now, I sell a concept, not insurance and this is my way around telling people I work in insurance. I tell people we "manage the risk of your business, minimising exposure and maximising your savings". I actually go further than that, "I understand it is a grudge purchase, personally I think it is a travesty that our government burdens you, the backbone of the economy, with these oppressive insurance contracts, let's be honest, it is an extra tax, isn't it?"

This is where I have him.

"Yeah," he says. "yeah, it IS a tax, on me, yeah, you're right!"

In for the kill, I say, "so it would be better if we reduced the amount you are paying for these policies, these "taxes" you described so eloquently, those "taxes" you hate so much, so I will put you down for a full risk management work up, which is free, of course, then sign over your insurance contract responsibilities to us and we'll go from there, with our broker fees being very much standard and not much to worry about so you can talk about them later when you get your invoice".

By the time I'm done he thinks his personal income tax is halved and his current insurance provider owes his company money for not being associated with me.

So, despite not having a fucking clue what software even is (just a stab, is it the thing work installed to stop me looking at porn?), I hope I get this job selling it.

Wish me luck.

Uncle Skippy
11/16/2010 1:22am,
TL;DR: dinosaur ate your 82 year old boss and you are applying for a job searching Bullshido every 19220 seconds




















(good luck)

goodlun
11/16/2010 1:37am,
Can't move up the corporate ladder your boss is 82 how much longer do you think your going to have to wait till his job is open?
At any rate good luck.

Necroyunus
11/16/2010 2:04am,
http://i494.photobucket.com/albums/rr302/se6258i/2009/cat/good_luck/wish_you_luck_rainbow.gif

battlefields
11/16/2010 2:26am,
Goodlun, I should've mentioned I am not certified in insurance, I merely set up the marketing and organize the directors diary. A glorified PA, if you will, with the added bonus of being a business to business telemarketer. If there was a more hated person than a telemarketer spruiking insurance, I'd like to hear it if only for the knowledge.

SaintHamish
11/16/2010 2:36am,
i hate taxi drivers, parking inspectors and telemarketers spruiking insurance.

in saying that, i cut off old peoples pensions when they fail to reply to my letters so im not exactly basking in customers admiration either.

in fact i may be THAT guy.

SaintHamish
11/16/2010 2:44am,
oh and good luck bud.

remember to wear pants.

Ice Hole
11/16/2010 3:07am,
So, despite not having a fucking clue what software even is (just a stab, is it the thing work installed to stop me looking at porn?), I hope I get this job selling it.
Wish me luck.

You've got it completely backwards.

Software is the thing that allowed new porn to enter your life daily (hourly).

Iainkelt
11/16/2010 3:16am,
So if "something" were to happen to your 82 year old current boss....any chance you could get his job? Or would they farm it out to whatever halfwit inbred relative is closest in proximity at the time? Furthermore, during your interview could you ask if they have a job for me too?

battlefields
11/16/2010 6:24am,
Of course iainkelt, anything for a fellow bully. I could recommend you upfront if you like. Sainthamish, you may in fact be more hated than me, no mean feat. And thank god you reminded me about the pants. Um, awkward question, do you have a pair I can borrow?

KO'd N DOA
11/16/2010 8:25am,
These un-ergonomic chairs are hell. Dr. wrote a prescription, for a new chair...so they ran to staples got the cheapest on sale demo they could.
When it makes me incontinent, I'm visiting my HR 20 mins after my morning coffee, sans adult diaper.

Bastards. Oh if you cut off my pension, sainthamish, or if battlefields keeps calling during supper...I'm taking up welding for that killdozer, but I'll use a hovercraft!!!

goodlun
11/16/2010 11:21am,
If there was a more hated person than a telemarketer spruiking insurance, I'd like to hear it if only for the knowledge.
I have a buddy that is a rep-man.

Permalost
11/16/2010 1:20pm,
If there was a more hated person than a telemarketer spruiking insurance, I'd like to hear it if only for the knowledge.
For like two months I was a telemarketer for Time Warner cable. We would call people and try to get them to upgrade to digital cable, digital phone and Internet. During the day, we would be calling Texas, the land where people would get angry and yell at you for suggesting they might want Internet service.

Iainkelt
11/16/2010 1:52pm,
Of course iainkelt, anything for a fellow bully. I could recommend you upfront if you like. Sainthamish, you may in fact be more hated than me, no mean feat. And thank god you reminded me about the pants. Um, awkward question, do you have a pair I can borrow?

Sweet! That's the closest thing I've had to a lead on a job in a while now. I KNEW there was a reason I got up this morning! To celebrate I'll now go look at pictures of dogs with funny captions.

goodlun
11/16/2010 1:54pm,
I have a buddy that is a rep-man.
God damn it that was suppose to be Repo-man as in he takes your car when you decide to stop paying for it.

DerAuslander
11/16/2010 2:05pm,
learning computer programming codes as a hacker since I was 7. Wait, no, that wasn't me, I'm not that chick from Jurassic Park. ****.

Dude, I wanted to bang her so bad when I was 12:XXspam: