For when your acts of violence need corporate sponsorship…
Art is entirely subjective, so we’re not going to comment on the artistic merit of a Nike swoosh turned into a shank. But we will comment on the effectiveness of these weapons as actual weapons, and maybe the in/appropriateness of pairing them with the slogan “Just Do It”:
The Nike Swoosh
Stick’s Take: It looks like the Nike swoosh is only sharpened on the inside edge. It will definitely kill you, but it’s less than ideal. The shape may be good for some binding or catching or grappling of some sort.
TheMightyMcClaw’s Take: Yeah, that is not something I’d want to fight.
Setsu Uzume’s Take: Nike is the goddess of victory, and she would be disappointed. It has neither the stability of a jutte, nor the style of a broken beer bottle. Try a sharpie marker. It has the same leverage capabilities, passes security, and won’t poke a hole in your pocket.
Gezere’s Take: This is on point. rimshot. The best of the lot–will get the job done, if the job is shanking someone.
McDonald’s Brass McKnuckles
You wanna get your ass McKicked?
Stick’s Take: These strike me (pun intended?–ed) as possibly problematic; the separation in the arches makes me think there is a fair shot of hitting with only one of the two, and that doing so could twist or torque the hand and wrist badly. If you’re hitting something big though, it’s probably not an issue.
TheMightyMcClaw’s Take: Probably about as effective as its normal-weapon counterpart.
Setsu Uzume’s Take: Unwieldy. The distribution of force from your punch through the contact points are unpredictable. Definitely more likely to hurt yourself than your target.
Gezere’s Take: Too big and I don’t think it would be effective after one hit. He may just damage the user’s wrist.
Stick’s Take: the crowbar is dumb, but mostly because crowbars are dumb weapons (unless you’re Gordon Freeman–ed). He should have made something like a Chinese hook sword or African throwing knife/axe thing.
TheMightyMcClaw’s Take: Again, about as effective as its normal-weapon counterpart.
Setsu Uzume’s Take: The crossbar kills this design. It’s too close to make the most of the hook, and the hook itself provides a buffer against using the tip of the bar like the spike on a halberd. Can’t even really use it as a crowbar. If a weapon evolved from a tool, it should still be a functional tool; but that’s just me.
Gezere’s Take: Same as the Nike shiv, but for bashing.
Mercedes-Benz Shuriken/”Ninja Star”
Stick’s Take: The star seems too light and spindly without a good plane to it, not enough of a frisbee shape, so it will just tumble. Also, it probably doesn’t have enough weight to penetrate very deeply.
TheMightyMcClaw’s Take: is probably about as useless as a regular shuriken.
Setsu Uzume’s Take: Too flimsy to fly. Throw rocks instead.
Gezere’s Take: These look to small to throw well enough to do any real damage. Shurikens weren’t really that deadly anyway.
Additional Credit to Omega for commentary and Phrost for the captions. TheMightyMcClaw can be found posting on the Forums, and his Instagram is NSFW so we’re not linking that. Setsu Uzume writes for PodCastle.org and can be found on Twitter @KatanaPen. Gezere is a Brazilian Jiujitsu black belt, Kung Fu master, and retired military officer. He can be found in a triple-locked vault in a European black site waiting until the dire moment his country needs to activate him.