9/29/2010 2:06pm, #1
Guy Who Pays the Bills and Gets the Death Threats
- Join Date
- Jun 1998
- Cow Town
- MMA (Retired)
Stephen Koepfer Interviews Legendary Film, Martial Arts, and Fitness Guru Kevin MasteBullshido’s own SamboSteve had an opportunity to sit down and speak with legendary martial artist and film star Kevin Masterson and discuss his upcoming television project, his history in film, and martial arts.
Unfortunately, the video from the interview mysteriously disappeared. Were it not for Kevin Masterson’s eidetic memory as well as his willingness to dictate a transcript for Bullshido, we might never have had this piece of martial arts history.
Koepfer: Kevin, thanks so much for agreeing to this interview. I really appreciate it.
Masterson: No sweat man. I don’t usually do interviews as the clandestine nature of my work demands I keep out of the public light. You dig? But, Bullshido is a pretty groovy place, so even though that Browning guy slighted my man Seagal, I figured I would answer your questions for the benefit of my fans.
Koepfer: Sam Browning? Of Bullshido?
Masterson: Yeah, the legal eagle suit. We did a radio show together. He talked smack on Seagal….the MAN…Seagal! Can you believe it? But, I forgive him. Some people just don’t get it. I mean, Seagal is legendary in the CIA’s ass kicking department. But, let’s not revisit that. It gets my blood boiling.
Koepfer: Oh, yeah. I remember that. I think Sam’s point was that Seagal may have exaggerated...
Masterson: Hey, Koepfer, I said drop it! I could snap you neck faster than a voodoo priestess in a chicken coop.
Koepfer: No need for threats Kevin.
Masterson: Sorry kid, I just get heated when it comes to my man Seagal. I wonder if Anderson Silva could have pulled out that win if Seagal was not training him…
Koepfer: You would know, you actually had a chance to work with Seagal right?
Masterson: Hell yes! It was one of the highlights of my career. I was the stunt coordinator on “Blood for Fists.” It was going to be Seagal’s big comeback picture. But, some studio stooge thought it was not good enough for wide release…or direct to DVD for that matter. Those suits have no concept of what good action is.
Koepfer: What was the end result?
Masterson: Cutting room floor baby…where all the good stuff ends up. After that Seagal went on to teach those Louisiana cops how to knock heads and sing the blues.
Koepfer: So what’s next for you? The rumor mill says you are working on a new television project.
Masterson: You got the skinny on that? Damn, I am just too famous for my own good. I can’t keep anything on the down low these days.
Koepfer: Anything you can tell us?
Masterson: Well, I can’t reveal any specific details about the project. But, I can give you the basic rundown…
You see, I got this gig doing executive protection for a bunch of former superheroes. They used to work strictly for Uncle Sam. But, times are tough. Between cutbacks in government funding, the economic crash, and squandering their cash reserves on parties and crap like that, the team had to give up their crime fighting and join the rest of us mortals in the real world with real jobs. Now I live with them in an undisclosed location.
Koepfer: Sounds like a good plot, where do you fit in?
Masterson: Who said it is a plot?
Koepfer: You did.
Masterson: No I didn’t.
Koepfer: So, this is a true story?
Masterson: I can’t tell you that.
Koepfer: You can’t tell me if a story about superheroes getting real jobs is fiction or real?
Masterson: Did I stutter?
Koepfer: OK, so where do you fit in?
Masterson: I protect them. You see, since they can’t behave like the superheroes they once were, or use the super powers they possess, they need protection. Now the streets are as deadly for them as they are for your average Joe. They need someone capable of watching their backs. Those super freaks had their day in the sun. In the end, it still comes down to genuine reality based human ass kicking.
Koepfer: What is it like?
Masterson: Honestly, it’s just another job for me. It is not personal…in case I have to beat some ass. I can’t let myself get that involved emotionally. These cats are just another bunch of EDP’s I have to risk my life protecting. They have lots of enemies.
Masterson: Emotionally Disturbed Persons. It’s cop lingo. I would not expect you to know that.
Masterson: Oh yeah…Crazy as a gang of shithouse rats! The leader’s name is Phil. He’s a damn puppet.
Koepfer: Easily manipulated?
Masterson: No, a real puppet…except that he’s alive of course.
Koepfer: A living puppet? And you can’t tell me if this is fiction or not?
Masterson: I told you not to go there Koepfer. That’s on a need to know basis only.
Koepfer: Yeah, yeah…you can’t discuss it. What’s Phil’s story?
Masterson: His deal is that he is an egotistical piece of foam. He thinks his stuffing don’t stink. But, I have to hold my tongue when I’m on the job. You know…professionalism and all…but, between you and me, I really can’t stand puppets. This fister thinks he is the cat’s pajamas. Claims he is the last of his kind…that they all died in the great Muppet war of 1990.
Koepfer: Great Muppet War?
Masterson: I have no idea man. In 1990 I was still living off of “Splash” royalties.
Koepfer: You were not in “Splash”
Masterson: Jesus! This is why our world is so messed up. Nobody has observation skills anymore. If you see something, say something! Open your eyes man! Koepfer, watch it again and pay attention. I was the stunt double for John Candy in that scene when he dropped some change so he could up skirt that chick.
Koepfer: Kevin, that was a child actor.
Masterson: You think they would let some kid gaze up at some kitty’s beef curtains? No way man! Wake up Koepfer! They needed a skilled actor who could play the part of a child and not get flustered by the site of some winterbush. You think just anyone could do that? That was one of the toughest roles I ever played. That was some serious acting.
Koepfer: Umm…OK, let’s get back to your current project. The tabloids are saying that your current project may get a screening at the Beverly Hills Film Festival in October.
Masterson: Really? Well, I can’t confirm or deny that. But, rumors often have their basis in truth.
Koepfer: Kevin, I have to start wrapping this up. Do you have anything else you want to tell us about your current assignment?
Masterson: Not really man. Need to know brother, need to know.
Koepfer: Well then, thanks for taking the time to sit and chat. I am sure the folks at Bullshido will appreciate your taking the time from your busy schedule.
Masterson: You don’t know the half of it. You try babysitting a psychic with ADD. She’s always trying to finish my damn sentences, interrupting, and never getting it right.
Koepfer: I would love to hear more, but I really have to wrap this up.
Masterson: Whatever man. I understand. Anyone who wants to know more about me can friend me of Facebook. Just don’t post all those stupid memory pillows, horoscopes, little games, quizzes, etc., on my wall. Stop farming, sending me beer, teddy bears, blowing kisses, etc. Just say type useful or do something better with your fingers.
9/29/2010 3:45pm, #2
Neal thanks for the opportunity to interview this guy, but I think we should steer clear of him. He's nuts.
9/29/2010 3:51pm, #3
Steve, you are lucky you made it out in one piece.
Dude is like Thor, or something
9/29/2010 4:08pm, #4
- Join Date
- Jun 2010
- Panama City,Florida
Thats's AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9/29/2010 10:20pm, #5
9/29/2010 11:59pm, #6
So what was with the puppet?The fool thinks himself immortal,
If he hold back from battle;
But old age will grant him no truce,
Even if spears spare him.
9/30/2010 12:06am, #7
Last edited by sambosteve; 9/30/2010 12:09am at .
9/30/2010 12:10am, #8
Not sure why that link does not work. Look up Kevin on facebook or funny or die to see it....
9/30/2010 12:11am, #9
9/30/2010 4:35am, #10
- Join Date
- Jan 2009
I don't know the guy... really... what is he a comedian?