Teh Stoopid (Machida Inspired Addition)

**Lysol** · Posted On: 5/17/2010 12:48pm

Okay, I'm back from Latin America and ready to resume posting on Bullshido. Not that any of you noticed that I was gone, but a guy can dream, right? I've seen plenty of teh stoopid while I was gone, notable examples being:

- The 40-something fellow American couple who, after talking to me for a good 5 minutes in English, heard me talking in Spanish to a friend. The rest of our conversation went like this:

LYSOL: Sorry about that. Anyway, how does your son like his pit bull (Yes, that's what we were talking about before that)?

GUY: Huh? What is he saying?

LADY: I don't know, I don't think he speaks English. *To me* HABLA ENGLISH?

LYSOL: Are you fucking serious? What language do you think I was talking to you in for the past five minutes?

- A Chicago native who asked me what country "Philadelphia" (where I go to school) is in. When I gave her my best WTF look and explained it was the cradle of our fucking civilization, she said "I thought Gettysburg was our first capitol." You should have read otherwise at some point in elementary school, assuming, of course, that you know how to read.

But this thread is about teh stoopid I returned home to. UFC 113 happened just after I left, and unfortunately, I didn't hear that Shogun got what is rightfully his until two krotties loudly explained in an otherwise empty local diner. Before I begin describing some of their more interesting points, let me describe them: GUY #1, as he'll be referred to from this point on, is a "wise and enlightened" 30 something who squints when he talks and never got the memo that headbands are only sacred gear in The Karate Kid. GUY #2, as he'll be referred to from this point on, is a spitting image of Bruce Lee's beef with karate: He's a black belt who probably couldn't do a pull-up if he was allowed to jump and bicycle the entire way and, judging by the Ranch dressing abortion with cheese melted on top he was eating for breakfast, couldn't be bothered by such nonsense as "nutrition".

So, on to their conversation. When I first overheard them talking, they were talking about standard Bullshido: How a ninjer would kick the hell out of anyone in the UFC, how "unrealistic" the fights are, and how "if the public was educated, they wouldn't be bothered with such nonsense" and would instead be interested with their style's tournaments (?!). I tried to ignore them, I really did, but then they talked about their Lord and Savior, Lyoto Machida. GUY #1 said, and I quote:

"It's a shame he gave up his karate base in order to fight MMA. He was an unstoppable force when he trained karate, but now that he trains MMA, he was defeated by a guy he ripped apart last time they met. Why he would quit doing what works in order to practice such a silly 'sport' is beyond me."

Now I have to step in. I resist the urge to ask point blank what the hell fight they were watching. Instead, I take a different route. I told GUY #1 that, first of all, there's no such thing as completely abandoning a fighting style. I recently started doing MMA, but my background in combat sports is wrestling, which I took up in junior high (my background in striking is Savate). Wrestling has influenced my aggression and the way I move while I do striking. For that matter, a Savate background is clearly on display whenever I spar Muay Thai. To say that he "completely forgot" karate is nowhere near accurate. Not to mention, I personally believe that his stubborn commitment to karate striking and attempting goofy karate takedowns hurt him the first time he fought Shogun.

GUY #2 pisses me off with a loud laugh when I mention that I started training MMA. I manage not to punch him, though. I've been practicing restraint. When I'm finished talking, Guy #1 and Guy #2 look at each other with **** eating grins. Then, Guy #2 says "Stay in Imaginationland as long as you like. Our dojo will be open when you're ready to see how real fights take place.".

Big mistake, fatass. Using his Ninjer skillz to sense my WTF look, he explains that "In the real world, referees don't stop you from getting punched on the ground. In the real world, no one tells you not to use neck breaks. Machida was forced to give up karate because he wanted to play your silly game, but at our tournaments, we play by the rules of the streets".

Because he was rude to me, I feel no obligation to hold back my laughter. Apparently, his ninjer awesomeness has rubbed off on me, as I magically sensed that they wanted me to explain:

LYSOL: Dude, what Machida fight are you thinking of where he won via neck break? The guy has ALWAYS followed the rules of MMA while competing in it. And for that matter, how many casualties have resulted from your tournaments?

GUY #1: *Somehow doesn't realize why I'm asking this question* We only simulate the move. If we attempt a neck break, we grab, yell 'NECK BREAK', and then the fight ends.

LYSOL: Then pot *pointing to him*, meet kettle *pointing to me*. There's nothing realistic about that.

GUY #1: But if we wanted to break your neck, we could, but we choose not to.

LYSOL: And if I wanted to hold a triangle until the move killed you (I almost did want to), I could. I just choose not to.

GUY #1 rolls his eyes and focuses on his coffee. GUY #2 has somehow not realized that I am his intellectual superior.

GUY #2: Machida was a pure karate fighter when the UFC first signed him. When he first got signed, your sport tried to embarrass him against a much bigger African with dreadlocks, and he used karate to...

LYSOL: ...Are you referring to Sokoudjou? Because he beat him with an arm triangle. That's a textbook Brazilian Jiu Jitsu technique, not a karate one.

GUY #2: Yeah, well, you can't argue that pure karate was used when he destroyed your icon, Tito Ortiz.

LYSOL: *WTF look* Destroyed? More like bored the piss out of everyone unfortunate enough to have seen the fight. He won via decision. Both guys barely broke a sweat.

GUY #2: That's so typical of you MMA savages. You think every fight has to end with knockouts and submissions...

LYSOL: ...As opposed to neck breaks?

*Silence, as GUY#1 stops pretending to mix cream into his coffee and acknowledges me again*

LYSOL: If you're going to insult what I do, at least be consistent. Have fun with your tournaments, boners.

I leave to finish my breakfast before going to train. Before I leave, the waitress tells me he thought they were never going to shut up, and that she never heard the word "boner" used as an insult until now.

The saddest part of this is that I'm sure I'm not the only person with this story. I'm sure other members can talk about the LARPer world's justification for why Machida lost to a guy who practices teh non-deadly. So you may share your own now.

**superninjagod** · Posted On: 5/17/2010 1:17pm

Originally Posted by Lysol

GUY #1: *Somehow doesn't realize why I'm asking this question* We only simulate the move. If we attempt a neck break, we grab, yell 'NECK BREAK', and then the fight ends.

Does this actually happen in Karate Tournaments? I've never even anecdotally heard of this....

**indy007** · Posted On: 5/17/2010 1:23pm

The next time I get a guy mounted, I'm not going to the ezekial. I'm just going to grab his forehead & chin, scream NECK BREAK at the top of my lungs, and walk off.

It will be amazing.

**madeofcandy** · Posted On: 5/17/2010 1:23pm

yeah, I wondered the same thing. I immediately thought of when you played guns as a kid, I SHOT YOU FIRST, NO, I GOT YOU, NO YOU DIDN'T *slap fight*

**madeofcandy** · Posted On: 5/17/2010 1:24pm

actually, that sounds exactly like a karate tournament. sorry.

**Conde Koma** · Posted On: 5/17/2010 1:24pm

this is the first time i've read anything you wrote, and you're already a winner in my book. push ups!

**Squerlli** · Posted On: 5/17/2010 1:26pm

I am so going to yell "NECK BREAK!" next time I spar.

**Lysol** · Posted On: 5/17/2010 1:27pm

Originally Posted by superninjagod

Does this actually happen in Karate Tournaments? I've never even anecdotally heard of this....

It's the first time I heard of this as well. Perhaps this only happens in their style. I didn't bother asking where they taught, because that might imply that I had any intention on training in their style. Perhaps it's their own creation, used only at their tournaments?

**thorthe power** · Posted On: 5/17/2010 1:28pm

Comedy gold:

Machida was forced to give up karate because he wanted to play your silly game, but at our tournaments, we play by the rules of the streets".

Must have meant point fighting...the only conbat sport (not accidently mispelled) where t3h d3adly strikes to the groin are allowed! Striking anywhere else could be a disqualification though ?

**Kid Miracleman** · Posted On: 5/17/2010 1:55pm

Lysol, you're a far more patient man than me. If I was in your place listening to those bozos, I woulda turned into a stammering pile of goo before the wave of near-tangible stupidity made me have an aneurysm.