Frank Ducks of DucksRoo Welcomes You!
Article by Kintanon's own Jennosaurus Rex!
A Message From FrankDucks.net to Bullshido.net
Welcome to the brand new FrankDucks.net website! Many hours of hard work have recently been put into making this site informative, accurate, intuitive, and visually pleasing. It is important to us that you feel that all of your mystical martial art needs are catered to, including appropriate fonts and kanji border graphics. We urge you to browse the various pages of the site and learn about Frank Ducks, one of the most impressive martial artists of this century -- that's right, century. You may be thinking of other martial artists that seem to have accomplished more; they haven't. We thank you for your patience. This is a virtue of Ninjery, after all, as we figure out how in the hell we are going to recoup our reputation and plug up the new asshole that Bullshido ripped us several years ago.
What is GASST/DucksRoo?
To attempt to understand DucksRoo is like attempting to look directly at a bolt of lightning, you will go blind momentarily and have a headache, and other people will laugh at you.
DucksRoo is a technologically advanced, ISO 9000 process to help you overcome adversity. It teaches you how to interact with people, because clearly you are a shut-in who watches too much anime and mystical kung fu movies, and this has made you unappealing to and fearful of other humans. Unlike any other bullshit martial arts, DucksRoo works in empirical ways, but because of its mystical nature, we can't really show them to you until we have ascertained the aura of your bank account.
What is DucksRoo Ninjery?
DucksRoo Ninjery was developed by Frank Ducks, because real martial artists are modest and understand humility. We offer a la carte martial arts so that you feel as though you are accomplishing a lot in a short amount of time. Gaping holes in your knowledge are simply byproducts of your own strengths and weaknesses. We expose you to many situations that you have seen in movies and on television, because we understand that this is where you formed your schema for what martial arts is all about. We will give you many conditions that you may recognize, such as: you vs. a bunch of people who stand around waiting while single members of the gang attack you, beating you up in the dark, amid falling leaves, in a tree (wuxia style), and while walking on water.
When you finally master these things, we will provide you with weapons that you can show your friends, and hopefully by this point, a possible mate! This is to impress them and make you seem dangerous and capable.
After that, we want you to become self-reliant, because this will appeal to businesspeople and shut-ins even more. You will become proficient in rock climbing, acupuncture, swimming, herbology, charms, transfiguration, and defense against the dark arts. This will give you the opportunity to test yourself in extreme conditions.
The purpose of DucksRoo is not winning or losing, but how you play the game, and how long you are willing to play it, and how much you are willing to spend to play.
Who is Frank Ducks? The Man, The Myth, The Legend.
In 1980, long before the acid-washed jeans, big hair, coke, and synthesizer craze, Frank Ducks founded American Ninjery - DucksRoo. It's very much like all the great martial arts you've ever heard of except better! Just like everything the Americans take from Asians and make better, like cars and electronics.
Ducks has rare first hand knowledge of REAL combat. His empirical experiences have forced him to adapt, improvise, and change his fighting style to evade all forms of scrutiny. This high-level evasion has ensured that he can implement tactics as a consultant to banana republic juntas and world police.
His unique insights into empirical combat are considered essential in all the coolest and most elite types of combat forces, like Black ops, and MI6, GQ, the CIA, the REAL CIA, SWAT, KGB, NCIS, CSI: ALL locations, IMF, and even the regular non-impressive local cops. His hard work resulted in him being granted the "Knight Chevalier" title, despite not being Saxon or Norman, and having neither a horse nor heraldry. Miami, a former Spanish colony, issues these French-English titles in their Hall of Fame. He also received accolades from some Navy SEALs, and is quoted as a source in one of their manuals. It is not, however, mentioned if he is a source in the Navy dolphin projects. His experiences are indeed legendary, empirical, and secretive.
Ducks' real life exploits, as opposed to the ones on his resume, are elaborated by people who are responsible for such wonderful operations as the Iran Contra scandal and the excellent Soviet-American relations during the 1980's and 1990's.
Last edited by Cy Q. Faunce; 5/03/2010 11:01pm at .