Extremely Bummed Out

[Domite]

You know she's not a doctor, right? IMO, anyone who calls themselves a doctor and didn't even go to grad school is a raging moron.

Anyway, I don't have kids, but I feel like you should really ramp up the focus on academics, imo, its not discipline, but focus on school work that most parents don't give their kids. Make him write down all his assignments in a planner, and show you them finished before he goes to bed. If you find out he is lying about his HW, punish him, then contact his teachers and have them give you his assignments. Not trying to judge you or anything, but I think it is the best thing you can do for your kids.

Also, coming from a pothead here, parents should have a zero tolerance policy for any and all drugs including cigs and beer. "have a smoke with him" is some dumbass advice.

[Sri Hanuman]

"Smoke some with him?"

Most stupid post I've ever read here, and that's saying something.

Now is the time you have a decision to make. Are you his parent or his pal?

The latter is the usual choice these days, doesn't seem to be working out so well.

If you are his parent, its time to lock his heels, and make some major changes before his choices in friends and activities gets any worse.

But I am aware that is a "right wing," "Dr. Laura" thing that might not sit will with many on this site....

....but in my never to be humble opinion....

Amazon.com: Stupid Things Parents Do To Mess Up Their Kids: Don't Have Them If You Won't Raise Them (9780060933791): Laura Schlessinger: Books

Your kid, your choice... good luck.

Have to agree with the Coach.

I come from a culture where over-cuddling and catering to a child's every whim is generally non-existent. Kids grow up in a realistic down to earth environment where when they do stupid ****, they are called on it, and are expected to take responsibility. Sure many of us got smacked around, but then we knew the difference between being good and being bad, and that there were consequences for both. That, and we got to the moon before the paste eating Dr. Spock generation.

As someone who tutored Russian kids for 7 years, I have to say, the upbringing and the environment make all the difference. As "right wing" as it may sound, you get from your kids what you expect from your kids. That is to say, smoke with your kids, they grow up to be screw ups. Teach them early on that there are strict, enforced rules that need to be followed, and at the very least you set them on a right track.

Anecdotal example: Some of the 3-4 year olds I tutored for the past 7 years were able to listen to a piece of classical music, identify the composer, and the date it was written. Aside from me tutoring them in English, they were tutored daily in math, playing the piano, and reading/writing. In roughly 4 months, most of them would make serious progress. Even the one "special" child I worked with, who probably had a VERY light case of Downes, was pretty damn good at music and art.

Nothing at you personally WW, I know you're probably one hell of a dad. Just saying generally that the "be your child's friend" mentality is not necesserily the best approach. Sometimes the little **** just needs a good kick in the right direction to set em right.

Best of luck to you. I know you'll figure this one out.

[Tom .C]

I generally go for the bullshit answers and make sport of things but in this case, I've been there and know how you feel. About the time boys get to be fifteen years old, their parents become the dumbest people in the world. This will last until the kid gets to be in their mid twenties. The parents then will begin to surprise their children with little glimmers of wisdom. Their thirties will be even better for the parents.

Just remember that you won't be listened to if your rants last more than two minutes. Keep an eye on their grades, their friends, and look for suspicious activities that you may need to intervene or disrupt. Don't expect thanks, gratitude, respect, etc. By the time they are eighteen, you will be pretty tired of their ****, but just hang in there. If you get them graduated, keep them out of prison, and prevent them from doing the Darwin ****, you can expect that you have, against all reasonable expectations, done a good job. My youngest son even got back into Judo and Aikido and all my kids are now pretty decent folk to be around. Hang in there and good luck.

[Cuchulain]

Are we still talking about Martial Arts, because it seems like most responses are focusing way too much on the bit about 'pot'. (What is pot btw? Is it like weed?)

[battlefields]

Well, ours is a different culture. I shall respectfully bow out.

[Sri Hanuman]

Well, ours is a different culture. I shall respectfully bow out.

Ironically enough, what Im describing took place here in the U.S. as well. The parent's/educators input and guidance go a very long way in shaping a young mind.

[battlefields]

Sorry Sri, I wasn't referring to you. Your post rings true, my viewpoint is tainted by my experience with my father, a man of contradiction who lay down the law when he was available and that was rare. The reason I respectfully bow out is ww obviously has an involved relationship with his son whereas my experience, along with many of my friends, was intermittent. Dad took a very hard line when I was around 14 but this just served, due to my mobility and freedom allowed through his absence, to drive us apart. I left home when I was 16 because he didn't understand nor did he want to understand me.

I know he was a very attentive dad when I was real young, unfortunately he fell in to the trap of thinking being a good father = being a good provider and an enforcer of rules. He famously told me he would take me skydiving the day I was offered drugs so I could know a real high and all I needed to do was tell him. So I did and he went nuts, he even tried to hunt down the guy who offered it. A man of contradiction, my dad, nothing like ww it would seem.

Just quickly, I consider my old man to be one of my best friends and we talk regularly, although we cannot live together. I'd much rather our friendship than the hatred my dad had for his father and his hard line, as he died during their feud.

Different culture, different upbringing.

[Mtripp]

Yes, I am aware of what she is and is not... what she is, is right most of the time...

To the Mother Whose Son Is Smoking Marijuana
October 22, 2009 on 12:00 am | In Children, Drugs, Marijuana, Mortality, Parenting Email This Post
I got this email from a listener after she heard a call I took on my radio program. She titled the email “To The Mother Whose Son Is Smoking Marijuana.” It speaks for itself:

Today you gave advice to a mother who found out her 16 ½ year old son is smoking marijuana. You advised her to get him into a residential treatment program. You stated that drug addicts lie, and she responded that she didn’t “see” him as a drug addict. I am afraid she will not take your advice, and she may be in my situation in the future.

Today, I write this with a broken heart. 11 years ago, when my son was 17, I, too, found out that he was smoking marijuana. He was on the academic honor roll and participated in sports – he wasn’t a drug addict! I tried to get him into a residential program, but was told they would not accept him at his age unless he committed himself. I took him to a counselor that the high school recommended and had him assigned a probation officer until he was 18. I thought just like her that he was not a drug addict in my mind. He grew up to be a responsible young man who owned his own business, but he continued to smoke marijuana.

Six months ago, I received that phone call that no parent wants to receive. My son was dead at the age of 28 from an accidental drug overdose (oxycodone), which the coroner told me is the most abused drug today. I do not know if this was the first time or the hundredth time he used the drug, but I vowed that if I can save one child or one parent from experiencing what I am going through that I would share my story.

Dr. Laura, you were correct. She needs to deal with the issue NOW, while she still has some control. My son was not a “drug addict” either. The coroner called it “recreational drug use.” Children need to know that tennis, hockey, and soccer are recreations, not drugs. I hope that mother heeds your advice so that her son does not end up where mine is today, guilt-ridden and questioning “should I have done more?”

[pauli]

war wheel, does he have anyone else he can comfortably talk to? uncles?

[Domite]

Honestly, I don't know why you guys are acting like smoking weed is a bigger problem than failing a class. Smoking weed is something a parent should not tolerate, but failing classes is a much, much bigger deal.