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  1. Omega Supreme is offline

    Administrator

    Join Date
    May 2011
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    West Coast
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    23,013

    Posted On:
    4/04/2010 3:42pm

    staff
     Style: Chinese Boxing

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!

    And on the third day he rose again:

    ....and they placed Jesus in his tomb and closed the mouth of the cave. And it sucked. Three days later Jesus rose from the grave. Unfortunately he was a zombie.

    He bitch slapped the rock that had been blocking his tomb and the rock fell smited by the lord.

    Jesus laid his eyes upon the village of Easter with anger, for he had not had his coffee. His anger did not fall upon deaf ears as a long eared boy from the nearby village had witness the newly risen body of Jesus. The young boy who was named Peter, not to be mistaken for the Peter the hung, or Peter the tired, or Peter the desciple. Peter **** himself and he ran down the mountain screaming his ass off.

    Christ came down the mountain seeking brains, brains and coffee. Peter warned the town's people and they cried "miracle" and they came out to meet Christ. Christ was first met by Jeffrey and Jeffrey fell to his knees tears pouring down his face. Christ reached down and laid hands on Jeffrey. Then the lord spoke onto him "BRAINS!" and ripped Jeffrey's head open. He ate his brains but he found his brain too small and he walked into the village to find more nourishment.

    The village elder looked upon the lord "lord how may we ease your anger"

    And the Jesus spoke onto them "need coffee, bring me my latte". The elder ran to Starbucks across the street and ordered a venti. This angered the lord "Bring only non fat to me!" and he smited the coffee bearer and he ate the elder's brain.

    Still not sated Jesus looked to enlighten the village and show them the error of the non fat latte. Quickly thinking Peter ran throughout the village gathering all the eggs far and wide. He looked all over and gathered the eggs unto his mother's kitchen where he scrambled the eggs to a heavenly delight.

    Peter presented the eggs to Jesus with two non fat venti lattes. He spoke onto the lord "Dude, these eggs taste like brains". The lord looked upon this offering and he ate. It was good. Satisfied he looked upon Peter "I thank you rabbit looking child. May this day be remembered and know that through finding eggs all have been forgiven."

    The End.
    Last edited by Omega; 4/04/2010 8:09pm at . Reason: Grammar corrections
  2. tkd panda is offline

    Registered Member

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    Feb 2007
    Location
    Newcastle upon tyne
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    289

    Posted On:
    4/04/2010 3:57pm


     Style: taekwon-do

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    If the bible was actually written in this fashion I might be more inclined to read it's at least as believable as most wrightings about jeebus.
  3. Gezere is offline
    Gezere's Avatar

    My guns bigger than Scrapper's!

    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Rhineland Pfalz, Der Vaderland
    Posts
    10,587

    Posted On:
    4/04/2010 5:01pm

    supporting member
     Style: Kakutogi

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Afuckingmen!!!
    ______
    Xiao Ao Jiang Hu Zhi Dong Fang Bu Bai (Laughing Proud Warrior Invincible Asia) Dark Emperor of Baji!!!

    RIP SOLDIER

    Didn't anyone ever tell him a fat man could never be a ninja
    -Gene, GODHAND

    You can't practice Judo just to win a Judo Match! You practice so that no matter what happens, you can win using Judo!
    The key to fighting two men at once is to be much tougher than both of them.
    -Daniel Tosh
  4. Zapruder is offline
    Zapruder's Avatar

    Middleweight

    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    San Marcos, Tx
    Posts
    2,354

    Posted On:
    4/04/2010 5:14pm

    supporting member
     Style: BJJ

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Eggs you say?

    Quote Originally Posted by OnceLost View Post
    Actually, I don't do it because I don't want people to be scammed - I do it because I enjoy kicking down the doors of Lies and Deceit and then forcibly fucking Fraud with the dildo of Truth.
    Quote Originally Posted by It is Fake View Post
    I don't care if they gave it to him because, he tickles butterfly butt-holes while wearing a pink frock.
  5. Nicko1 is offline

    Registered Member

    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    771

    Posted On:
    4/04/2010 6:14pm


     

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    On thursday, a kid in my daughter's class told me in all seriousness that Jesus was really cool. He justified this on the grounds that, as he had risen from the dead, he was obviously either a ghost or a zombie and therefore completely wicked. I somehow do not see this tactic being adopted in Sunday schools, regardless of how many six year olds it brings into the fold.
  6. Dak is offline

    Registered Member

    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Idaho
    Posts
    596

    Posted On:
    4/04/2010 7:07pm


     Style: Boxing

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
  7. OiScout is offline

    Registered Member

    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    NY
    Posts
    344

    Posted On:
    4/04/2010 7:29pm


     Style: Muay Thai

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    If you say Jesus backwards, it sounds like sausage.
  8. Nwp is offline
    Nwp's Avatar

    Welterweight

    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Conroe, Tx
    Posts
    513

    Posted On:
    4/04/2010 7:49pm

    supporting member
     Style: Wrestling, Bjj

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Jeffrey was a dumbass anyway.

    I cannot believe I have been letting my kids play with Satan's scrote nugs all these years.

    Damn it!
    Literally.
  9. DayOfTheJackass is offline

    Registered Member

    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Victoria
    Posts
    667

    Posted On:
    4/04/2010 7:58pm


     Style: bjj, boxing, ex-iwama ryu

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    I always pictured JC drinking short black. The bible: every hotel's big book of rolling papers.
  10. kenikim is offline

    Registered Member

    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    hogtown
    Posts
    342

    Posted On:
    4/04/2010 8:19pm


     Style: Christopher Hitchens-do

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    furking funny-ass thread with furking funny-ass responses.
    Omega the Merciless: instructor, fighter, bb, world class asshole, and now a short story writer!
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