The Martial Development Blog - How Do Armbar?

Phrost · 1/05/2010 1:49pm

Ahoy Bullies! We're revisiting the subject of a previous "Forum F-ery Friday" because we only skimmed the surface of the tragicomedy potential this site has. So close the curtains, loosen your gi pants, and get ready for some pig-like squealing!

Although this column is called "How Do Armbar", we strongly suspect the Author (and some of the readership) of The Martial Development blog wouldn't know an Armbar from a Salad Bar. Hell, he probably wasn't even allowed on the monkey bars during recess, under threat of being made fun of by the class girls for wearing his pants up to their armpits and spitting when talking.

In fact, the entire blog reads like it was penned by someone while stuffed in a locker by the members of the junior high wrestling team. It seeps with bitter, poorly-reasoned, and pseudointellectual contempt for those who pursue hard contact Martial Arts, while ass-pulling justifications for non-contact styles and mystical bullshit. Just like the rantings of any other dweeb forced to live on the fringes of a social group because of their poor character traits (or hygiene), "Chris" seeks out the company of others similarly ostracized. Once together, they enter into a collective mindset that disdains the larger group ("dumb jocks", "preppies", etc), makes excuses for their outsider status ("we're different/special, they're sheep"), and progressively drifts further from the social norms that they had trouble grasping in the first place.

In the Martial Arts world, I predicted this would happen years ago; as MMA rose in popularity, those practicing bullshido styles and training methods would get shuffled off to the fringe. But I also explained that this would have the dual effect that can be seen with any other fringe group: the more marginalized they are, as their numbers dwindle, those remaining will be even more fervent in their commitment to their faulty thinking.

The good news is that this relieves us of the burden of having to give a crap about people like "Chris". This is because they've chosen to put themselves beyond reason, logic, and most importantly, the effort it'd take to bring them into the greater social group known as "people without their heads up their asses".

And that means we grant ourselves license to have fun at their expense. Lets begin.

This portion of a blog post on "The Unwritten Rules of MMA" makes my brain go all hurtyfied. I've been posting on the Internet since shortly after Al Gore created it, but until now I've never come across a collection of words that both overstates the fucking obvious, and at the same time, completely misunderstands the subject it references. This paradox has created a small wormhole in my brain and now I can't remember what my Grandmother looks like. Thanks a lot, asshole:

Then there's this gem. As pretty much everyone in our MMA forum predicted, shortly after Lyoto Machida won his first fight in the UFC, the tradfappers waddled out of their holes with sore forearms, chaffed netherparts, and a grossly mistaken sense of validation.

But if comparing your strip-mall karate to Lyoto Machida's were a character in a shounen anime, this blog post is a Super Saiyin 3 Fusion with the Kyuubi while going Bankai after eating the Baka-Baka fruit:

Notice how Aldo doesn't make bird wing gestures, or deliver the kick from a planted stance. Notice how it's not even a goddamn kick in the first place.

Yes, this idiot is so overcome with empty-handed love that he confuses a standard Muay Thai flying knee, straight out of Ong Bak, for a Crane Kick, straight out of The Karate Kid. Let's not even bring up the fact that the Crane Kick was completely made up for that movie and is not even an actual karate technique.

And finally (yes, finally, my fucking head hurts too much to put more effort into this), we are treated to what must be the single best example of why this blog is not only a stain on the Martial Arts community, but on the Internet as a whole.

He tries to take credit for Chuck Norris jokes.

Of course, Chuck Norris jokes were just rip-offs of Vin Diesel jokes. And the concept behind that was stolen from the SNL "Bill Brasky" sketch. But if you're a social outcast like Chris, when a popular kid notices you you've got to make the most of the situation by cramming your nose deep in his ass in the hopes of having some of his awesomeness rub off onto you.

And that, ladies and ungentlemen, is the dharma of The Martial Arts Development blog. Meditate on that, if you will.

**G-Off** · Posted On: 1/05/2010 2:03pm

The stupid...is unbelievable. Thank you for including the crane kick portion. As hilariously ridiculous as that is, it's an idiot trying to force unrelated evidence to fit his point of view, and as such doesn't require brainpower to figure out what the hell went wrong. The first part, on the other hand...

MMA is unrealistic because it doesn't allow you to call a timeout when you're losing??? Or because pre-match murder is against the rules??? Maybe his next blog post should be about how society's social norms don't conform to his personal philosophy and are therefore "unrealistic." After all, who wants to live in a society where you can't kill the family of anyone who threatens to hit you, and then call timeout when they try to beat you up?

**JinRew** · Posted On: 1/05/2010 2:56pm

Originally Posted by G-Off

Maybe his next blog post should be about how society's social norms don't conform to his personal philosophy and are therefore "unrealistic." After all, who wants to live in a society where you can't kill the family of anyone who threatens to hit you, and then call timeout when they try to beat you up?

Ah, the old "MMA Competitors May Not" list... :deadhorse

Well, when you're a basement dwelling chud who, when not debating over "Who shot first, Han or Greedo?", is blogging about teh r34l self defense, you're sense of reality becomes "unrealistic".

Cub Swanson should have swept the leg.

**datdamnmachine** · Posted On: 1/05/2010 5:09pm

OK Phrost...seriously, what espisode/volume of Bleach are you on? Are you one of those diehard anime fans who feels that dubbed versions "cheapen" the experience (good reference).

Originally Posted by JinRew

Ah, the old "MMA Competitors May Not" list... :deadhorse

Well, when you're a basement dwelling chud who, when not debating over "Who shot first, Han or Greedo?", is blogging about teh r34l self defense, you're sense of reality becomes "unrealistic".

Cub Swanson should have swept the leg.

Makes me want to break out that Bullshido article on the Karate Kid...couldn't find it but some guy on Myspace reprinted it on his blog so I'll post that here:

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?f...logId=98265664

**Phrost** · Posted On: 1/05/2010 5:23pm

Originally Posted by datdamnmachine

OK Phrost...seriously, what espisode/volume of Bleach are you on? Are you one of those diehard anime fans who feels that dubbed versions "cheapen" the experience (good reference).

Last Bleach I read had the smug blind guy get a scythe inserted into and then yanked out of his head.

I'd never read any manga until people started posting about Naruto here, a few years back.

**G-Off** · Posted On: 1/05/2010 5:39pm

Originally Posted by JinRew

Ah, the old "MMA Competitors May Not" list... :deadhorse

Well, when you're a basement dwelling chud who, when not debating over "Who shot first, Han or Greedo?", is blogging about teh r34l self defense, you're sense of reality becomes "unrealistic".

Cub Swanson should have swept the leg.

What makes the above truly unique is the combination of "it's not XTREEEEME like a real fight with weapons and guns and lightsabers and chainsaws and zombies" along with "wait timeout, you're going too hard! I thought this was just friendly sparring!" Most deluded souls go in one direction or the other, you have to be pretty far gone to choose both.

**datdamnmachine** · Posted On: 1/05/2010 5:41pm

Originally Posted by Phrost

Last Bleach I read had the smug blind guy get a scythe inserted into and then yanked out of his head.

I'd never read any manga until people started posting about Naruto here, a few years back.

Sweet! Can't wait to get that that part, hopefully.

I basically just rent anime from Netflix, don't read the manga, drifted away from comic books and related media when I joined the military and couldn't keep up with the 25+ different ones I was collected (plus was spending about between 100.00 - 200.00 bucks a month feeding my addiction). Finally gave up. I catch the occasional graphic novel (Deadpool, The Punisher, and Batman primarily) when I get the chance.

As always, great article and full of hilarious failure. Especially the "Crane Kick". Talk about grasping...

**JinRew** · Posted On: 1/05/2010 8:24pm

Originally Posted by G-Off

What makes the above truly unique is the combination of "it's not XTREEEEME like a real fight with weapons and guns and lightsabers and chainsaws and zombies" along with "wait timeout, you're going too hard! I thought this was just friendly sparring!" Most deluded souls go in one direction or the other, you have to be pretty far gone to choose both.

Right. On one hand it's "Sport fighting isn't a REAL fight", but heaven forbid if they actually had to really SPAR down at the local krotty dojo.

And the whole "They can't hire a hitman" (because he can?) crap is so stupid and delusional. The idea of resorting to murder to solve any kind of problem shows that these people don't see martial arts, of any kind, as a form of self defense, but rather as an Ashida Kim fantasy, LARPing, DBZ circle jerk....

**Re4** · Posted On: 1/05/2010 10:03pm

actually, since none of those rules are actual rules, i see no reason why a fighter might not try some of them. Pre-fight murder wouldn't work though because you wouldn't get the win if there's no fight. However i could see bribing a judge with a cut of your winnings, or subtly whispering in his ear, "Tap or I'll kill your whole family."

Lying about your weight makes no sense in either MMA or in real fighting- they don't ASK you what you weigh, they WEIGH you. and on the street there are no weight classes so, I guess this guy is pretty out there.