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  1. #1

    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    610
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!

    Talking to my drunk LARPing spetsnaz uncle

    Just got off a 20 minute phone call from my uncle, he called asking for my mom, i said she was out of house so he started talking to me instead.

    started by asking me when i will invite him to my marriage, i said its still too early.

    then he asked if i still train, i said yes, so he started telling me how to do chest exercises at different angles, then he told me not to take offense that he is talking about my man boobs (i have slight gynecomastia) and that he is my uncle that makes him like a father to me.

    The convo went about self image where he told me not to feel bad about my boobs (which i dont) and that he had it and it came from my grandfather, also he said that women only care about how well you do push ups with your dick, while everything else is just a bonus.

    then he started recommending me weights "buy a 8 and 10 kilogram dumbell, you know what a dumbell is ?" and telling me about fat spot removal and jesus christ.

    afterwards he asked me if i can kick someone in the ear, i told him its faster to punch someone in the face and instead kick them in the knee, he said that his daughters and any bitch could do that, also his daughters (aged 16 and 14) can beat up half my MT club, and that real men can kick people in the ear, he asked for my height, i said 186~187 he said he is 184 and can kick me in the ear

    he also asked the size of my bicep (35cm) and said his is 42, and will be 50 if he starts training again, so he told me about how he went to the beach once as a fatty and in 10 days came back ripped, and that he will teach me that through the internet.

    he will also teach me spetsnaz CQC and reminded me he is currently a major (of the police force, not spetsnaz, he never was there, he went to the army for 2 years and then came back as a cop) and he will teach me soviet style sambo through skype next time.

    finally he said to remember i am russian, remeber my real name, that i still have a family back home and that i will turn into the russian arnold schwartznegger, also i must watch more war movies where his favourite actor kills everyone, told me to delete the phone records and reminded me we neve had this convo.

    overall, i rank his call 10/10

  2. #2

    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Québec, Canada
    Posts
    93
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    I wish I had more family like this.

  3. #3
    Vorpal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    A Hell of my own making
    Posts
    3,082
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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    He covered a lot of ground in twenty minutes.

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Seattle Area
    Posts
    242
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by honest_truth View Post
    that he is my uncle that makes him like a father to me.
    He wants to be a father figure...

    Quote Originally Posted by honest_truth View Post
    then he asked if i still train, i said yes, so he started telling me how to do chest exercises at different angles, then he told me not to take offense that he is talking about my man boobs (i have slight gynecomastia) and that he is my uncle that makes him like a father to me.

    The convo went about self image where he told me not to feel bad about my boobs

    he also asked the size of my bicep (35cm) and said his is 42, and will be 50 if he starts training again, so he told me about how he went to the beach once as a fatty and in 10 days came back ripped, and that he will teach me that through the internet.
    He wants to know more about your man-boobs, but wants to reassure you about your body image. He is interested in your physique and wants you to be interested in his. Then he wants to spend time "training" you...

    Quote Originally Posted by honest_truth View Post
    afterwards he asked me if i can kick someone in the ear, i told him its faster to punch someone in the face and instead kick them in the knee, he said that his daughters and any bitch could do that, also his daughters (aged 16 and 14) can beat up half my MT club, and that real men can kick people in the ear, he asked for my height, i said 186~187 he said he is 184 and can kick me in the ear
    He also seems to have a strange ear fetish.

    Hmmm, kinda makes you wonder...

  5. #5

    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    610
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by Foolish View Post
    He wants to be a father figure...



    He wants to know more about your man-boobs, but wants to reassure you about your body image. He is interested in your physique and wants you to be interested in his. Then he wants to spend time "training" you...



    He also seems to have a strange ear fetish.

    Hmmm, kinda makes you wonder...
    as long as we are playing speed bag on our tits while i call him daddy, i doubt he can do much to my ear with his foot.

    unless he decides to show me his spetsnaz CQC and takes me down, then i am scared of ear-foot fetish

  6. #6
    crappler's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Northern California
    Posts
    1,747
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    My family isn't nearly as interesting. One half of them are Jewish and the conversation goes like "so how is business?" Blah blah blah. I would almost kill to have at least one true lunatic in the family.

  7. #7

    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Seattle Area
    Posts
    242
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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by crappler View Post
    My family isn't nearly as interesting. One half of them are Jewish and the conversation goes like "so how is business?" Blah blah blah. I would almost kill to have at least one true lunatic in the family.
    Be the lunatic in the family.

  8. #8
    100xobm's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    1,205
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Just through talking to people, most people I know have established a theory that I also subscribe to:

    "All russians crazy, you want neurotic girlfriend or homicidal best friend, Get a russian"

    I'm sure there are many normal ones, but every single one I've met has been balls to the wall crazy, and generally deadly (nice though). So it seems strange to me that Systema doesn't work.

    Ladies be pretty though.
    Last edited by 100xobm; 8/11/2009 4:23am at .

  9. #9

    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Québec, Canada
    Posts
    93
    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by crappler View Post
    My family isn't nearly as interesting. One half of them are Jewish and the conversation goes like "so how is business?" Blah blah blah. I would almost kill to have at least one true lunatic in the family.
    I know how you feel, but trust me, sometimes it's not nearly as fun as you'd think. My whole father's side family are completely insane and my father is probably the worst. I love my father, but his crazy antics are not always fun to witness. He once threatened a guy in a parking lot with a two by four he had in his truck because the guy almost ran me over and it was entirely my fault for being a stupid reckless kid running around the parking lot.

    Still, I do admit it's kickass to have some people in the family who aren't completely boring and talk less about their last trip to Hawaii and how they got their new promotion and a more about how kickass their last hunting trip was when they had to work half an hour to put down that kickass grizzly while half drunk on Jack Daniels.

  10. #10
    Just waiting for the paperboy. supporting member
    Lebell's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Lolland
    Posts
    12,492
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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    this is exactly why i hate russians.

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