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  1. JohnnyCache is offline
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    All Out of Bubblegum

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    Posted On:
    4/21/2009 7:26am

    supporting memberforum leader
     Style: MMA

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!

    Crank 2 Review

    my review would just be the words "sweet" in large letters

    OK

    here goes nuffin



    CRANK2: CHEV CHELLIOS HAS TO KEEP HIS HEART ON (actual tag line)

    It's hard to describe something like Crank 2. It's literally hard to describe.

    But I'll give it a shot.

    Are you, dear reader, familiar with the term "Freebase?"

    You know what orange juice in a concentrate tube is? Stuff that you dilute to make more end-user level orange juice? Base is like that, but for cocaine.

    On the street, we know it, with slight modification, as crack.

    Because some asshole, to paraphrase Denis Leary, took cocaine and decided it wasn't strong enough.

    Well, if you saw Crank and thought, "This is awesome, but not quite over the top enough"

    You're that asshole.

    And Crank 2 is your movie.

    Still not getting it?

    I'll make you a chart:



    The "plot" is as follows: Our hero, Chev Chellios, so impressed the news-watching public with the exploits chronicled in Crank that he caught the attention of a 100 year old triad boss in need of a heart transplant.

    He concludes that Chev must have some sort of super-constitution to be capable of such bullshit and so he sends a team to literally shovel Chellios up from his crater just before life flees his body.

    Cut three weeks forward in time. Chev wakes up in the wake of a heart extraction. He's been given a mechanical heart to sustain his body, because the triad boss has decided he wants a full set of new, cockney organs.

    The heart takes a battery. The battery runs for an hour at a time. The battery has a transdermal power system that allows it to absorb power through the skin.

    Chev's doctor buddy can put his real heart back, if he can find the jaded, sexually bizarre, masochistic nihilist triad courier running it across town before time runs out, but an unknown player called The Ferret keeps interfering.

    That's the plot. That's practically the script.

    What proceeds is two hours of movie that you'd get if you gave Robert Hamburger a 100 million dollar budget and a full effects crew.

    Following is a partial list of awesome things in this movie
    some of them are spoilers, so read at your own risk.





    Spoiler:

    Topless girl in a scratch cone
    Amy Smart dancing topless
    Amy Smart screwing in public
    A bona-fide mexican elbow chop
    Double male latin gangster auto-nipplectomy
    Full body tourettes
    Gay twins
    Sodomy Bikers
    Kaju Big Battle
    A head in a jar
    gay spastic wushu
    8 bit theater
    Obscure cockney rhymes
    Geriatric Frotterism
    Inexplicable inclusion of Keith Jardine
    Viet Cong in cooley hats (in LA)
    Tourettes as sign language
    Bai ling trying to speak 'Merican
    Bai ling getting hit by a car
    Nipple clamps
    Blaxploitation
    Homoerotic Frotterism
    Dwight Yokum in a non-singing role
    Therapy breakthroughs
    Winner for the Oscar for best 1-liner by a Korean
    Big boobs
    Big guns
    Empty boobs
    An adorable young man just trying to get along as best he can, sir
    topless gunfights (note the plural)
    fat guys
    multiple mullet beatings
    A careful and thoughtful look atOrganized Labor Negotiation in the Adult Film Industry
    Police beatings (in both senses)
    Chan-style out-takes during the credits
    And
    Finally
    David Carradine as Lo Pan Poon Dong


    Are you convinced yet?

    No?

    Well, there's also a guy on fire, and a ton of movie violence.

    This movie is...well, faithful to premise. It's fast. It's jerky. It's mean and nasty and funny and the humor involves **** that isn't supposed to be funny and you're kind of a dick if you laugh, but you will.

    It's pure entertainment, a feature-length chase that simply and continuously invokes the rule of cool the entire time the reels are turning.

    In summation: Crank is a movie for assholes and 14 year old boys. A movie not for movie critics, pussies, your mom, or epileptics.

    I give it 6 out of 5 nunchucks

    go see it

    If enough people go see it, they're gonna make Crank 3d.
  2. DerAuslander is offline
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    Valiant Monk of Booze & War

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    Posted On:
    4/21/2009 10:46am

    supporting memberstaff
     Style: BJJ/C-JKD/KAAALIII!!!!!!!

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    I'd pay to see Bai Ling get hit by a car.
  3. omoplatypus is offline
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    Merry Christmas! shitter's full...

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    Posted On:
    4/21/2009 11:07am

    supporting member
     Style: BJJ/Judo

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    What proceeds is two hours of movie that you'd get if you gave Robert Hamburger a 100 million dollar budget and a full effects crew.
    best discription ever!
    --------

    Quote Originally Posted by it is fake View Post
    yeah, normally i'd get a quote, but couldn't be bothered.
  4. Elemental Fist is offline

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    Posted On:
    4/21/2009 1:10pm


     Style: None

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    This is also a movie, if you just want to have brainless pop corn action movie entertainment. Funny you said this is not a movie for critics since it got a 66 % FRESH from Rotten Tomatoes with praises recieved from 83% of the top critics.

    http://uk.rottentomatoes.com/m/crank_high_voltage/
    Last edited by Elemental Fist; 4/21/2009 1:13pm at .
  5. G-Off is offline
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    Senior Member

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    Posted On:
    4/21/2009 2:58pm


     Style: Ronin wannabe

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by Elemental Fist View Post
    This is also a movie, if you just want to have brainless pop corn action movie entertainment. Funny you said this is not a movie for critics since it got a 66 % FRESH from Rotten Tomatoes with praises recieved from 83% of the top critics.

    http://uk.rottentomatoes.com/m/crank_high_voltage/
    Maybe it's so far beyond over-the-top that it's gone into visionary satire?

    Or maybe rottentomatoes critics just really like boobs.
  6. Torakaka is offline
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    Do you eat breakfast?

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    Posted On:
    4/21/2009 3:01pm

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     Style: Kitty Pow Pow!!!

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    I haven't seen the first one so when I saw the trailer for Crank 2, my thought was "Wait a minute... wasn't the whole thing of the first one that he dies and has to do a bunch of stuff before that? How the hell do you make a sequel to that?"

    The explanation of the existence of the sequel is... well I don't even know what to say about it, but maybe I'll watch it anyway.
    Ranked #9 internationally at 118lbs by WIKBA http://www.womenkickboxing.com/wikba...rch%202009.htm
  7. Frank White is offline
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    Senior Member

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    Posted On:
    4/21/2009 3:34pm


     Style: chinese boxing

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by KidSpatula View Post
    I haven't seen the first one so when I saw the trailer for Crank 2, my thought was "Wait a minute... wasn't the whole thing of the first one that he dies and has to do a bunch of stuff before that? How the hell do you make a sequel to that?"

    The explanation of the existence of the sequel is... well I don't even know what to say about it, but maybe I'll watch it anyway.
    I take it you're not Catholic.
  8. anarki13 is offline
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    Lightweight

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    Posted On:
    4/21/2009 4:42pm

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     Style: Kyokushin, BJJ

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by white_kimbo View Post
    best description ever!
    +1 HEAR HEAR!

    Dude that review describes the movie I've always dreamed of AND I HAVE NOT EVEN SEEN THE FIRST CRANK!
    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Clean View Post
    Karate was developed by Okinawans who weren't allowed to have weapons. Ok, makes sense. JJ was developed by Samurai to defeat armored opponents. Also makes sense. But a spinning jump kick to defeat a camel? Something smells fishy.
  9. Tattoofu is offline

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    Posted On:
    4/21/2009 11:06pm

    Bullshido Newbie
     Style: TKD

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Jason Statham wants to be Steve McQueen, but if he keeps this **** up he's gonna be Don "The Dragon" Wilson.
  10. JohnnyCache is offline
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    All Out of Bubblegum

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    Posted On:
    4/22/2009 12:14pm

    supporting memberforum leader
     Style: MMA

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    there's actually quite a bit of continuity. I would rent it real quick or something before going to this, it won't be lost on you because the plot doesn't require seeing the first one but you'll miss a lot of stuff.
    There's no choice but to confront you, to engage you, to erase you. I've gone to great lengths to expand my threshold of pain. I will use my mistakes against you. There's no other choice.
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