Crank 2 Review

***JohnnyCache*** · Posted On: 4/21/2009 7:26am

my review would just be the words "sweet" in large letters

OK

here goes nuffin

CRANK2: CHEV CHELLIOS HAS TO KEEP HIS HEART ON (actual tag line)

It's hard to describe something like Crank 2. It's literally hard to describe.

But I'll give it a shot.

Are you, dear reader, familiar with the term "Freebase?"

You know what orange juice in a concentrate tube is? Stuff that you dilute to make more end-user level orange juice? Base is like that, but for cocaine.

On the street, we know it, with slight modification, as crack.

Because some asshole, to paraphrase Denis Leary, took cocaine and decided it wasn't strong enough.

Well, if you saw Crank and thought, "This is awesome, but not quite over the top enough"

You're that asshole.

And Crank 2 is your movie.

Still not getting it?

I'll make you a chart:

The "plot" is as follows: Our hero, Chev Chellios, so impressed the news-watching public with the exploits chronicled in Crank that he caught the attention of a 100 year old triad boss in need of a heart transplant.

He concludes that Chev must have some sort of super-constitution to be capable of such bullshit and so he sends a team to literally shovel Chellios up from his crater just before life flees his body.

Cut three weeks forward in time. Chev wakes up in the wake of a heart extraction. He's been given a mechanical heart to sustain his body, because the triad boss has decided he wants a full set of new, cockney organs.

The heart takes a battery. The battery runs for an hour at a time. The battery has a transdermal power system that allows it to absorb power through the skin.

Chev's doctor buddy can put his real heart back, if he can find the jaded, sexually bizarre, masochistic nihilist triad courier running it across town before time runs out, but an unknown player called The Ferret keeps interfering.

That's the plot. That's practically the script.

What proceeds is two hours of movie that you'd get if you gave Robert Hamburger a 100 million dollar budget and a full effects crew.

Following is a partial list of awesome things in this movie
some of them are spoilers, so read at your own risk.

Spoiler:

Are you convinced yet?

No?

Well, there's also a guy on fire, and a ton of movie violence.

This movie is...well, faithful to premise. It's fast. It's jerky. It's mean and nasty and funny and the humor involves **** that isn't supposed to be funny and you're kind of a dick if you laugh, but you will.

It's pure entertainment, a feature-length chase that simply and continuously invokes the rule of cool the entire time the reels are turning.

In summation: Crank is a movie for assholes and 14 year old boys. A movie not for movie critics, pussies, your mom, or epileptics.

I give it 6 out of 5 nunchucks

go see it

If enough people go see it, they're gonna make Crank 3d.

***DerAuslander*** · Posted On: 4/21/2009 10:46am

I'd pay to see Bai Ling get hit by a car.

**omoplatypus** · Posted On: 4/21/2009 11:07am

What proceeds is two hours of movie that you'd get if you gave Robert Hamburger a 100 million dollar budget and a full effects crew.

best discription ever!

**Elemental Fist** · Posted On: 4/21/2009 1:10pm

This is also a movie, if you just want to have brainless pop corn action movie entertainment. Funny you said this is not a movie for critics since it got a 66 % FRESH from Rotten Tomatoes with praises recieved from 83% of the top critics.

http://uk.rottentomatoes.com/m/crank_high_voltage/

**G-Off** · Posted On: 4/21/2009 2:58pm

Originally Posted by Elemental Fist

This is also a movie, if you just want to have brainless pop corn action movie entertainment. Funny you said this is not a movie for critics since it got a 66 % FRESH from Rotten Tomatoes with praises recieved from 83% of the top critics.

http://uk.rottentomatoes.com/m/crank_high_voltage/

Maybe it's so far beyond over-the-top that it's gone into visionary satire?

Or maybe rottentomatoes critics just really like boobs.

**Torakaka** · Posted On: 4/21/2009 3:01pm

I haven't seen the first one so when I saw the trailer for Crank 2, my thought was "Wait a minute... wasn't the whole thing of the first one that he dies and has to do a bunch of stuff before that? How the hell do you make a sequel to that?"

The explanation of the existence of the sequel is... well I don't even know what to say about it, but maybe I'll watch it anyway.

**Frank White** · Posted On: 4/21/2009 3:34pm

Originally Posted by KidSpatula

I haven't seen the first one so when I saw the trailer for Crank 2, my thought was "Wait a minute... wasn't the whole thing of the first one that he dies and has to do a bunch of stuff before that? How the hell do you make a sequel to that?"

The explanation of the existence of the sequel is... well I don't even know what to say about it, but maybe I'll watch it anyway.

I take it you're not Catholic.

**anarki13** · Posted On: 4/21/2009 4:42pm

Originally Posted by white_kimbo

best description ever!

+1 HEAR HEAR!

Dude that review describes the movie I've always dreamed of AND I HAVE NOT EVEN SEEN THE FIRST CRANK!

**Tattoofu** · Posted On: 4/21/2009 11:06pm

Jason Statham wants to be Steve McQueen, but if he keeps this **** up he's gonna be Don "The Dragon" Wilson.

***JohnnyCache*** · Posted On: 4/22/2009 12:14pm

there's actually quite a bit of continuity. I would rent it real quick or something before going to this, it won't be lost on you because the plot doesn't require seeing the first one but you'll miss a lot of stuff.