228410 Bullies, 4498 online  
  • Register
Our Sponsors:

Results 211 to 220 of 441
Page 22 of 45 FirstFirst ... 121819202122 2324252632 ... LastLast
Sponsored Links Spacer Image
  1. MrBadGuy is offline
    MrBadGuy's Avatar

    King of the Impossible

    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Seven Seas of Rhye
    Posts
    2,902

    Posted On:
    4/10/2010 6:38pm

    supporting member
     Style: Grapplomancer

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Forever Fat, Part Three, Act Two: Bad Woman

    Despite what seemed like a lifelong dry spell, I had finally met a woman. What’s more is that she was pretty, listened to Motorhead, played video games, and was newly single. Show me a guy who wouldn’t jump at such a chance, and I’ll show you a picture of Richard Simmons.

    As we became more acquainted, she inquired into what the hell this jiu jitsu business was all about. At first, my answers were merely jokes; Sweaty man hugging, sweaty dick punching, the art of getting ball sweat in your mouth as often as you can, or a naked asian man jumping out of the back of a car and hugging people (see: The Hangover; or don’t, rather, because that movie blows). Eventually my obsession with jiu jitsu and her honest inquiries overcame my common sense, and I genuinely wanted to show her what it was. Also, there might be some “accidental” incentives to practicing jiu jitsu with a girl, if you catch my drift. That means that I might get to accidentally rub my elbow against her clothed bosom, or accidentally put her face in my scrotum. Brazilian Jiu Jitsu truly is the ultimate art; what other martial art can help you cop a feel against any gender?

    Putting my plan into motion, we were hanging out at her house…when no one was home. Not part of my plan, but I’ll take it. I’m a smooth operator, and I can roll with punches like that. I’m working through the basic positions; just showing her what’s what. This is mount, this is side mount, blah blah blah.

    Now, as I’ve told you, the loyal reader, the true spirit of Forever Fat is full disclosure. This means if it anything actually happened in relation to what I’m talking about, then by god, I have to talk about it. There have been many, many times I wanted to violate this code and omit some seriously embarrassing ****. But my writer’s integrity comes before my real integrity, so I’ll include this part as well.

    With that said, after our quasi-instructional period, I start tickling her. One thing led to another, and I accidentally bit her mouth in what is possible known as the worst make-out attempt of all time. I say bit her mouth, but I feel even this embarrassing faux pas is misleading; I drove my top row of teeth directly into her gum line. I’m pretty sure a drunk teenage bucktooth encephalitis suffering cannibal, who just got done smoking PCP and poking his eyes out with needles, chew less gum than I did when I put my moves on my lady, but as they say, nothing ever works out for Mr. Bad Guy.

    Despite my inability to be suave, she continued to subject herself to my abusive machinations. Eventually, through her continued interest, I finally stopped attempting dental surgery and showed her a few BJJ moves. She loved practicing them, and we’d have mini spar sessions. She moved really well, so I thought I’d take her seriously under my wing, despite the fact she was a girl. And so, with that decision, I formulated operation GJJ (Girlfriend Jiu Jitsu). I nearly soiled my gi pants at the mere thought of what I, a modern Prometheus, was trying to create; I mean, can you imagine a Mario kart playing, Iron Maiden shirt wearing, Pretty Jiu Jitsu Girlfriend?

    The only problem with this mess was that, even though I was teaching her techniques, I didn’t know the names of any moves. I knew the Trap N’ Roll, or the Upa, or the Bridge, and the elbow escape, and the scissor sweep. Other than that, I had no clue what the hell anything was named. Combined with my instruction style (“Ok, now you’re going to BOOM your hips right through my hips, like this…BOOM!” “Now I’m going to spin around like pschewww! and get the armbar.”) there was a lot of initial confusion. A typical instructional oriented sparring session would sound like a B-movie’s action script:

    “Go for the boom, and then pschewww your way over there. No, you didn’t have enough blam in your shapowza!”

    Luckily she was a good pupil and managed to absorb something of actual use from my impotent descriptions.

    Finally, I enacted the final phase of “Project GJJ (Girlfriend Jiu Jitsu)”; I asked her to come to class with me. She was hesitant at first, asking questions like: what if I look stupid, what if I have to spar with those huge guys, what if they fart, what if I fart, what if I fart up their butt, what if they fart in my mouth and I fart out their fart back up their butt, what if I don’t like the taste of taint sweat, etc. I dismissed them all as silly (except the last one, I don’t think any grappler gets used to that), and we made our visit. I dug out my little brother’s uniform from the anus of time and gave it to her, and we set out.

    She and I paired up for the class, and worked the moves. She was really comfortable with it, and looked pretty smooth out there for her first day. But that’s not the real meat and potatoes of how well you’ll do. Any turd can get out there and eventually practice the armbar, but doing well in sparring? That was the big daddy, the master and the commander, the Coup de Boop, if you will.

    She partnered up with me to spar first. Naturally we had a good time. It was amazing to see her use moves I’d shown her. Like watching a child do whatever the hell it is parents teach them to do, I had a certain sense of parental pride as I watched her do the “shazaam”. Is this what all instructor’s feel about their students, I pondered? Does it bring everyone such pleasure to feel a pupil progress and do well, to see them succeed, and to see them enjoy the art?

    She sparred with the instructor, who was genuinely impressed. She did very amazing for her first day. She took to jiu jitsu like a fish to water, and with her practice, and my privates, she made an impressive showing. The instructor was thrilled to have another girl training, especially one that was such a quick learner, and I liked seeing her succeed. Plan GJJ was going swimmingly.

    She wrapped up her spar night with a teen age boy. I was a little nervous, because A) all teenagers are jerks, B) I knew if this kid beat her up too bad she wouldn’t want to come back, and C) as all of you may or may not know, I don’t feel comfortable staring a letter-based list without having a third thing.

    Much to my surprise, she destroyed the kid. She tapped him so much it looked like he had some kind of OCD-based need to tap mad beats. She tapped him so much, in fact, he began to cry. I’m not making this up or exaggerating.

    Now, I don’t know about you guys. But when your girlfriend/pupil makes a teenager cry on her very first day on her third spar, you can’t help but feel your pride grow possibly three times its size. Her successes were my successes; it was an amazing feeling. Every time she tapped that kid, it felt better than any tap I’d ever gotten. Every sweep, reversal, take down, transition, or any damn thing, made me smile the biggest dumbest smile. I see why instructors do this stuff. I don’t know if any other instructors take such glee in making adolescents cry, but I sure as hell did.
    We finished up class, and she loved it.

    Operation GJJ was a complete success.

    Next time, Forever Fat, Part Three, Act Three: Limb from limb
  2. Beorn is offline

    Registered Member

    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Cincy, Ohio
    Posts
    938

    Posted On:
    4/10/2010 6:55pm


     Style: TKD, judo, MT noob

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Why is this posting entitled bad woman? This chick sounds awesome!
  3. omoplatypus is offline
    omoplatypus's Avatar

    Merry Christmas! shitter's full...

    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    4,331

    Posted On:
    4/10/2010 6:57pm

    supporting member
     Style: BJJ/Judo

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Woo hoooo!!!!!!!!!!! You're back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    --------

    Quote Originally Posted by it is fake View Post
    yeah, normally i'd get a quote, but couldn't be bothered.
  4. Robstafarian is offline
    Robstafarian's Avatar

    Senior Member

    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Chesterfield, VA
    Posts
    1,823

    Posted On:
    4/10/2010 7:36pm


     Style: None

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    :bowdown:

    I can't tell you how happy the return of Forever Fat has made me; I should get back to the "Forever Fat ad banner for using up space where a sponsor should be" project.
    Quote Originally Posted by Snake Plissken View Post
    cuz FastPass on Indiana Jones was like being a ghetto rock star.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kiko
    But graffiti isn't a bowl of fruit...
    Quote Originally Posted by Robstafarian View Post
    Merely insulting you is not an ad hominem fallacy: them calling you an idiot would be ad hominem if they said "You are an idiot, therefore your argument is invalid."

    What is instead happening is thus:
    1. Your argument is bullshit.
    2. You keep repeating, and expanding upon, your argument.
    3. Therefore, you are an idiot.

    That isn't an ad hominem fallacy; that's inductive reasoning.
  5. DKJr is online now
    DKJr's Avatar

    Fasten your seat belts, and prepare for lift off

    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Richmond, VA
    Posts
    3,214

    Posted On:
    4/10/2010 8:40pm

    supporting member
     Style: Combat Cuddling

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    **** yeah he's back! I've met her in person and even got to roll with this fabled Valkyrie, MBG doesn't exaggerate.
  6. Whacker is offline
    Whacker's Avatar

    Pulling mount since '09

    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    1,295

    Posted On:
    4/10/2010 9:51pm


     Style: jits da variedade brasile

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    About. Fucking. Time.
  7. Dak is offline

    Registered Member

    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Idaho
    Posts
    596

    Posted On:
    4/10/2010 9:53pm


     Style: Boxing

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Finally, I enacted the final phase of “Project GJJ (Girlfriend Jiu Jitsu)”; I asked her to come to class with me. She was hesitant at first, asking questions like: what if I look stupid, what if I have to spar with those huge guys, what if they fart, what if I fart, what if I fart up their butt, what if they fart in my mouth and I fart out their fart back up their butt, what if I don’t like the taste of taint sweat, etc. I dismissed them all as silly (except the last one, I don’t think any grappler gets used to that), and we made our visit. I dug out my little brother’s uniform from the anus of time and gave it to her, and we set out.
    i fucking cried
  8. karma2343 is offline

    Registered Member

    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Vista, CA
    Posts
    619

    Posted On:
    4/10/2010 10:27pm


     Style: Muay Thai, Boxing, nogiJJ

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Seeing the return of Forever Fat fills me with joy... and other things I am not comfortable discussing over the internet.
  9. 100xobm is offline
    100xobm's Avatar

    Senior Member

    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    1,206

    Posted On:
    4/11/2010 1:07am


     Style: BJJ, formerly Judo

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    I thought I was the only one who thought the hangover sucked.
  10. kikoolol is offline

    Registered Member

    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Sainte-Foy, Quebec
    Posts
    398

    Posted On:
    4/11/2010 1:54am


     Style: BJJ, Judo

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Heh, I get what you mean when you say pupils succeeding make you all fuzzy inside.

    In college, I tutored people on the finer points of French grammar. One of them went from total fail grades to very passing grades under my tutelage. I was pretty proud of the guy, although my plan was to hopefully receive hot chicks to tutor. As luck would have it, I only had guys.

    Ironically our instruction styles are also pretty similar, although I prefer to substitute the longer names by vulgar words and stuff like that instead of random onomatopoeias.

    "don't forget, these fuckers must agree with the god damn noun in gender and number! i swear i wasn't the one that made up these stupid rules!"

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Powered by vBulletin™© contact@vbulletin.com vBulletin Solutions, Inc. 2011 All rights reserved.