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    Hell yeah! Hell no!

    UFC 94 Wrap-up and Analysis

    UFC 94

    This past weekend we all gathered around in our living rooms with our friends, in th bar with strangers, or maybe you were one of the few big spenders who was able to get seats in Vegas. Wherever you were, if you watched this card, whatever you paid, was worth so much more.

    I want to start off with this; NEINER NEINER NEEEINER! Yes, this is for all of you Machida hate-mongers out there. Since Machida's first start in UFC, I have been backing him the entire time, trying so very hard to reason with you numbnuts about how flipping BRILLIANT of a fighter he is. Again, he showed us, that so far he's only been toying with people who come up against him. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's recap and review each fight skipping the undercard, because I missed them and I just don't care.

    GUIDA vs. DIAZ - Lightweight Division

    The guy who looks like a serial arsonist/murderer vs. Nick Diaz. This fight really set the pace of the rest of the card. Here we have Nick Diaz who has not had a single UFC loss since he joined up, and Clay Guida, a relatively unknown fighter with an odd matchup of win/losses in the UFC. The fight was intense. Clay played a smart game, applying his wrestling skills to keeping Diaz from employing his superior ground game by just keeping the distance closed and not letting Diaz gain any kind of superior positioning. Guida struck and struck Diaz, stuffing him every step of the way.

    Not to discredit the man, Diaz put up a great showing taking the brunt impact of Guida's murderous punches and takedowns. But his lackluster performance and never really gaining any ground against Guida gets him the loss by decision in the end. Contrary to popular (read: idiots) belief, this was the most least technical fight of the night even with it being action all 5 minutes all 3 rounds. This only emphasizes how great this card was. Anybody who disagrees probably has a large Affliction and Tapout wardrobe and herpes, so don't listen to them.

    The fight otherwise was Guida holding Diaz, taking him down, punching, rinse, repeat dry and pick up my dry cleaning at 4 and if you don't bring back a receipt so help me Christ...

    PARISYAN vs. KIM - Welterweight

    Many consider this fight to be the most boring fight. Such people also believe in perpetual motion and the moon landing conspiracy. Oh and they eat french fries with mayonaise. That is disgusting and they shouldn't be trusted with anything. This fight was incredibly exciting and WHOA korean dude out of nowhere shows us that he's got some up and coming skills to put the hurt on a lot of welterweights.

    This an amazing show of grappling and throwing skills. Sitting at the table with my bitches and homies, I looked up to see Parisyan and Kim (honestly, I don't really pay all that much attention to pre-fight night news and hype. I just look for when they're coming on TV.) and saw "JUDO VS JUDO" in my mind's eye. So I knew someone was gonna get thrown.

    Parisyan looks like he's been putting down the hummus and pita bread and doing some more jumping jacks, but not enough. Kim looked ripped and ready for this fight, he looked fight ready, totally in shape and all he had been eating was rice and fish.

    I'll just have to come out and say this but the Armenian looked really sloppy and out of shape tonight despite looking thinner. I mean Lindsey Lohan is back to gutter whore skinny, but looks like a gutter whore. Kim fought hard agains the more well known Parisyan. His really interesting but really weird flying back taking skills shined as he DOMINATED Parisyan in the first round. Right from the beginning Kim strutted right over to Karo and began to pick apart Parisyan. Kim had enough time in between breaking apart Parisyan's game to remind the fans that they should be cheering. Parisyan spent the round trying to get the crazy Korean from submitting him and throwing him and generally just survive.

    Round 2 gets a litte more interesting because Karo remembers that he's actually fighting and should probably, oh, FIGHT. So he does, and I think he takes the second round. Good for him, but still incredibly sloppy. Kim shows us his world class skills by out grappling and out throwing and out judo'ing Karo Parisyan. That and the absolutely perfect switch out that Kim pulls on Parisyan twice. It's not until the middle of the round that Parisyan starts getting any ground against Kim.

    The final round is Parisyan's poor conditioning getting the better of him and Kim takes Parisyan for another ride. The judges give it to Parisyan, but after a second viewing of the fight, I think that Kim took the third round. This fight was a great and technical clinching/throwing fight. It was not boring and if you think so, it's probably because you're retarded. Of all the fights I've watched, I think this is the first no-gi Judo MMA fight I've seen. Watching these two great judo players fight is a treat. Parisyan gets the split decision after hanging on until the end.

    Keep and eye on Kim everyone, he's gonna show us some cool stuff as he comes up. He walks away from this with his first loss in his professional career, but he'll be back and he's going to be an exciting new player.

    JONES vs. BONNAR - Light Heavyweight

    HOLY CRAP! The hysterical analogies to DC Super Hero Martian Manhunter should only be used by writers who are desperate for more audience and makes some reference to J'onn J'onnzz, and I am that desperate. THE MARTIAN MANHUNTER QUIT THE JUSTICE LEAGUE TO COME FIGHT IN THE UFC!

    This fight was just amazing. Jones decimates Bonnar. That is all you need to know. Speaking of which, is it me or does Bonnar's face just get more and more broken each fight? I gotta give credit to Bonnar though, he took the beating like a champ. What is his chin made of? I want 2 pounds of it so I can make a tank out of it.

    Jones pulls off spinning back kicks, spinning elbows, scissor takedowns (failed, but who cares?), suplexes, face throws and decides that his elbows are much more exciting to hit someone with than his fists. Stephan doesn't do much to harm Jone. I didn't pay any attention to him in his debut, but man if there was a bandwagon to jump on this would be it, but don't do that, no. You need street cred, be sure to tell your friends that you totally had your eye on the tall dark chocolate man in UFC 87.

    Basically Jones flys in, phases through Bonnar's walls and then using his super strength punches Bonnar. If Stephan just put on a mask to hide his face this play on words would get so much more awesome and impossible to defeat. Impossible. IMPOSSIBLE I SAY. OK but seriously, how awesome was that spinning elbow? Who watched it and didn't think, "HOLY CRAP TONY JAA?!" If you said, "Me." Shut up.

    Jones takes it with a unanimous decision that says, maybe Bonnar should look for a new job maybe.

    MACHIDA vs. SILVA - Light heavyweight

    Did you watch this fight? Did you? Good. Now shut the **** up about Machida being a boring fighter. Machida is a master of precision. There is not an inch of waste in his movement.

    Machida spends the very short fight tooling Silva around. I had to watch the entire fight over and over again, but Silva scored, two. Yes two hits... to Machida's arms.

    Most of you know, but I have been clinging to the testicles of Machida since his stint in Pride. And tonight again he justifies my clinging to his genitals like I have. Machida took apart Thiago with what seemed like hardly an effort. Thiago Silva looked like a younger more tannd verion of Tito ortiz, and we're all reminded of how well Machida trounced the Huntington Beach bad boy.

    Same thing happened here, only Machida KO'd Silva. In the last second of the first round. After doing another one of his spectacular foot sweeps, Thiago spun around to land on his back rather than on his face, only to be met with Machida's RIGHT hand. The man is left handed for those of you not in the know. The dragon punch KO's Silva for the win. I look forward to the rest of the year to see Machida really test his mettle against top 10 light heavyweight fighters.

    GEORGE ST. PIERRE VS. BJ PENN - Welterweight Championship

    I know I'm gonna catch some flack for this, but when have I ever cared? Anyway. I think this fight was pretty boring in totality. I was expecting a whole lot more excitement from two of the best fighters on the entire planet. But it was fairly lackluster. The very beginning really got your hopes up as the two fighters stood there staring each other down.

    The Canadian came in with his mighty jabs and then pushed the pudgy Hawaiian against the fence until he eventually took him down. And that was it. Penn tried to work his INSANE rubber guard like a spider while GSP tried to break free and hit him in the face. And hit him in the face he did. A lot. Very hard.

    That paragraph describes every round in that fight, that is until Penn's corner threw in the towel. I think the doctor also had something to do with it, but what do I know? I'm not a doctor.

    I'd like to comment that Penn's jaw is probably made of some carbon fiber, titanium alloy, and I'd like to speak to the scientist that installed that upgrade because I want one too. I'm pretty sure if you hit him in the head with a baseball bat, Penn would still come after you and choke you to death with his toes or something.

    The bald Canadian takes the night away with his woman culling man boobs holstering the belt.

    This card was an amazing display of sportsmanship and athleticism. I was not at all disappointed with any of the fights and every one of them went exceptionally well. This entire card has been the best card that UFC has put on in a long while and has actually gotten me interested in watching it. Good show, Zuffa. Good show. But that doesn't excuse you all from being a bunch of douches.

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  2. gsalgado7 is offline

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    Posted On:
    2/06/2009 10:40pm


     Style: Beginners Sambo

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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    UFC 87? pshh, I was on the Jon Jones bandwagon soon after his first professional fight, here on the local circuit. Yeah, that was only last year, but so what.
  3. Fighting Cephalopod is offline
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    Posted On:
    2/06/2009 11:11pm

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    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    The guy who looks like a serial arsonist/murderer vs. Nick Diaz. This fight really set the pace of the rest of the card. Here we have Nick Diaz who has not had a single UFC loss since he joined up
    Nate Diaz, you dork

    PARISYAN vs. KIM - Welterweight

    Many consider this fight to be the most boring fight.
    First round was great, second round was mediocre, third round was boring as **** and should have been scored 0-0 because both guys sucked it up hardcore. This is the second fight in a row Kim has gassed in the third and he'd better start doing something about it if he wants to actually make any headway in the UFC. As for Karo, dragging out a split decision over a gassed Kim puts him on about the same level as Mike Brown, which is not a good place for a guy who wants to think of himself as a title contender.

    This fight should've been on the undercard and replaced on the main card with Gono/Fitch, which was a far better match.
    Undisputed KING OF ASSHOLES.
  4. G-Off is offline
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    Posted On:
    2/07/2009 1:40am


     Style: Ronin wannabe

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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    pssssst... Machida was never in PRIDE.

    Otherwise, great write-up. I agree on the DHK/Karo fight. In fact, I'd love to see that matchup, no striking. Just throws and subs, cause they were excellent as is. The GSP fight was probably most satisfying if you were sick of BJ running his mouth like I was.
  5. TheMightyMcClaw is offline
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    Posted On:
    2/07/2009 2:56pm

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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    I just watched the Jones/Bonnar fight. Holy ****, Jon Jones is amazing. That back spinning elbow off of the kick catch, and his ten thousand takedowns throughout the fight... this kid is going places. I'm excited to see how he does in the future.
  6. King Sleepless is offline
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    Posted On:
    2/07/2009 3:41pm

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    Quote Originally Posted by G-Off
    pssssst... Machida was never in PRIDE.

    Otherwise, great write-up. I agree on the DHK/Karo fight. In fact, I'd love to see that matchup, no striking. Just throws and subs, cause they were excellent as is. The GSP fight was probably most satisfying if you were sick of BJ running his mouth like I was.
    Pssst... he was.

    He just never got to fight because Pride collapsed before he got his chance. He was "in" pride, but never fought. I was rooting for him and hoping to see him before the organization collapsed. UFC bought up his contract after Pride was bonked.
  7. Fighting Cephalopod is offline
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    Posted On:
    2/07/2009 4:11pm

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sarcastro
    Pssst... he was.

    He just never got to fight because Pride collapsed before he got his chance. He was "in" pride, but never fought. I was rooting for him and hoping to see him before the organization collapsed. UFC bought up his contract after Pride was bonked.
    Nope, wrong again. Machida went from fighting in K-1 to fighting in the WFA, and the UFC picked up his contract along with Rampage's and Herring's when they bought the WFA.
    Undisputed KING OF ASSHOLES.
  8. meataxe is offline
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    Posted On:
    2/10/2009 4:43pm


     Style: Wu style tcc+bjj

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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    "The bald Canadian takes the night away with his woman culling man boobs holstering the belt"

    Come again?
    Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.
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