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  1. Vieux Normand is offline

    Senior Member

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    Jun 2007
    Posts
    4,271

    Posted On:
    12/21/2008 8:14pm

    Join us... or die
     Style: 血鷲

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!

    BOUNCE!

    "Excuse me...excuse me...um, hello?"

    It's now four hours into shift. Today, it's my turn doing inside security. A near-capacity crowd is in the nightclub: couple of hundred little twentynothings on the floor "dancing", couple more hundred upstairs, others scattered wherever. Four hours of nonstop "house music" so far, no emerg calls on the radio (so damn quiet I keep checking to see if it's even on, and on the right channel, and if my earpiece is actually still in my ear, and...), everyone's behaving (not closing time yet)--I'm slapping myself to keep awake.

    "Hello?!!?...Excuse me!"

    I look down to find, tugging on my sleeve, a clubbette. Typical skimp-fit, pain-stilettos (who says foot-binding died with imperial China?) and long-running war-paint (KISS me). She gamely tries to ask her question in a speaking voice and--as per my pitying-look response--renounces this in favour of the standard beat-the-loudspeakers shriek:

    "Um, like, I always wanted to know, like--like why are you guys called 'bouncers'?"

    You have to understand, it isn't always the alcohol. Sometimes even the DDs of a group automatically dumb-down as soon as they're in the club. There's just a seeming congruence of social, hormonal and technological factors that results in this state of astounding genius where the most obvious of terms suddenly needs verbal explanation.

    Perhaps, though, this is overly harsh. It is tenable to plead that that--even for non-clubbing (read: normal) humanity--onomatopoeic imagery does not necessarily lead to definition; however, if sufficiently repeated via anecdote, a definition need not be required.

    Fortunately, such an anecdote--a keystone-kops comedy of professional errors--occurs later the very same night:

    A colleague and I are getting ready to embrace closing-time with our gentle labours. Last call was some time ago and the bars in the club have ceased serving. We are posted in an area near one of the main sets of exit doors. Some clients are already heading up to beat the rush to the coat-check, more than a few of them BOUNCING off walls and other such inconveniences. Among those who remain behind are two males, seated on one of the club's many BOUNCY chill-couches. They're both looking at the barely-covered, BOUNCING glutes of the departing sweaty-babes. One guy is about one-ninety and slim, the other a few pounds more and lipid-greasy. In other words, both are teeny-tiny.

    Suddenly, without the usual lead-up (no thousand-yard stare, no chin-to-chin, no "wtf u lookin' at?"), they're both BOUNCING fists off each other. Glasses and other items go flying off the nearest table, some shattering on the floor, others BOUNCING every which way. By the time aforementioned colleague and I call for backup and get through the exiting line to reach these two exemplars, Skinny has somehow sort-of gotten on top of Greasy and is trying, with his left side, to mount and g'n'p his rotund pal-turned-nemesis...and with his right side, trying to do some imitation of a clinch-plus-knees. Both, at the same time. Methinks several MMA vids have gotten mixed up in the heavenly glory that passes for his mind.

    Getting there first, I grab and leverage Skinny off, arm-cranking him into standing position while my coworker restrains Greasy. Unfortunately, the latter jiggles free and takes a run at Skinny, BOUNCING off us and (transfer-of-kinetic-energy blah blah blah) knocking us down while BOUNCING back into my coworker who had been rushing forward to re-establish control of his client. Now I'm on the floor with skinny on top, but I still have his back, so I switch from hammerlock to RNC (just enough to restrain, I don't want to get sued or charged).

    Greasy, having pinballed (aka BOUNCED) off of my colleague--knocking him back down--comes back forward and tries to g'n'p Skinny while he's being held down. Skinny is too busy trying to deal with the arm clamped under his jaw to pay much attention, so I have to let go the grapes and try to use my own feet to keep Greasy off.

    There I am, one arm clamped in a choke on Skinny, the other hand trying to get to the bud-mike at my own collar so I can find out where the hell the backup is, and using my feet in the worst-possible take on something between a butterfly- and a spider-guard to keep Greaseball off. Greasy tries stacking my legs so he can really get to Skinny; I manage to get enough of him with my soles to send him back--to BOUNCE into my once-again onrushing colleague (whose latest approach I couldn't see because Greasy's celestial form had blocked my line of sight).

    Both of them get knocked backward, and that's when backup arrives--to see two of theirs on the tiles, having the backs of two wayward souls.

    "What the **** are you doin' down there?"

    "Well, where the **** have you been all this time?"

    "Well, duh, fuckin' crowd's hard to get through..."

    "Well, what the ****..."

    "What the ****."

    "The ****!"

    "The ****!"

    This brilliant and savory bit of repartee complete, we stand our new friends up while backup open the exit doors and clear a route through the crowd. Greasy and Skinny soon find themselves out in a festive minus-ten surroundings, BOUNCING off of various nearby snow-covered items, the former for some reason intoning "Yeah, yeah, yeeeeahhh!", the latter querying delicately: "****'s goin' on? Fcksgoin'ooonnn?" Some snow having drifted into the frames, the exit doors BOUNCE when tugged and have to be re-closed for the crash-bars to latch properly.

    Once all the patrons are all on their way home, to the nearest all-night eatery, or to whatever divine source has birthed them, our shift is over and it is time for us to BOUNCE.

    There you have it...

    ...and you can have it.
    Last edited by Vieux Normand; 12/22/2008 6:21pm at .
  2. BENXPX is offline

    Registered Member

    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Maryland, USA
    Posts
    218

    Posted On:
    12/21/2008 8:51pm


     Style: Hammer Fisting

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Great story! Damn my life is boring.
  3. Domite is offline
    Domite's Avatar

    blotter art.

    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Brooklyn, NYC
    Posts
    1,529

    Posted On:
    12/21/2008 9:07pm


     Style: San Shou

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    So wait, why are you guys called bouncers?
  4. Lampa is offline
    Lampa's Avatar

    Middleweight

    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Oceanside, NY
    Posts
    1,288

    Posted On:
    12/21/2008 9:54pm

    Business Class Supporting Member
     New York MMA Examiner Style: magic FUCKING powers!

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by gunterfan3819282
    So wait, why are you guys called bouncers?
    Made of rubber.
  5. 3moose1 is offline
    3moose1's Avatar

    United States Marine.

    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    San Clemente
    Posts
    9,530

    Posted On:
    12/22/2008 12:16am

    Join us... or die
     Style: MCMAP, BJJ

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    i would like to be a bouncer.

    For one night, at least.

    PROOF that I'm not a completely useless poster:
    http://www.bullshido.net/forums/show...0&postcount=58


    Quote Originally Posted by Cy Q. Faunce
    3moose1 is correct. Sig THAT, you fucker.

    Quote Originally Posted by sochin101 View Post
    I went out with a delightful young woman who was on a regimen of pills that made her taste of burned onions.
    That is not conducive to passionate cunnilingus, my friend, let me assure you.
    Quote Originally Posted by HappyOldGuy View Post
    I agree with moosey
  6. pontoon is offline

    Registered Member

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    Apr 2008
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    174

    Posted On:
    12/22/2008 12:42am


     Style: Judo

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Having gone clubbing for the first time on saturday with some of the coconuts from my judo club, I can say that elements of your story are depressingly familiar.
  7. Kid Miracleman is offline
    Kid Miracleman's Avatar

    Rowsdower!

    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Parts Unknown!
    Posts
    3,249

    Posted On:
    12/22/2008 12:44am

    Join us... or die
     Style: On Hiatus

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Why didn't you post this in the Articles section? You shoulda posted this in the Articles section. That's where articles like this go. This is an article, by the way. At least, that's how I interpret it. Therefore, it should go in the Articles section. Maybe in the Martial Arts Humor sub-section? Whatever. I mean, I'm just saying. Just, I just wanted to point that out, you know? Because this is an article, and I think it should... it's... it would BEHOOVE you to put it in the Articles section. Lord knows it's starving for content.

    I mean, just... just think about it.

    (Do not take me seriously, I am giving you an unnecessarily hard time because I am bored and trolling for "big laffs.")
  8. DdlR is offline
    DdlR's Avatar

    Light Heavyweight

    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Posts
    4,771

    Posted On:
    12/22/2008 1:43am

    supporting member
     Style: Bartitsu

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Articles section, hell - why are you giving this stuff away for free?
  9. Rivington is offline
    Rivington's Avatar

    Senior Member

    Join Date
    Jun 2007
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    East Bay, CA
    Posts
    4,733

    Posted On:
    12/22/2008 1:48am

    supporting member
     Style: Taijiquan/Shuai-Chiao/BJJ

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by gunterfan3819282
    So wait, why are you guys called bouncers?
    It's gay slang, like every other word the meaning or etymology of which you are unsure.
  10. Beorn is offline

    Registered Member

    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Cincy, Ohio
    Posts
    938

    Posted On:
    12/22/2008 3:06am


     Style: TKD, judo, MT noob

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    ok Vieux, how big are you? because I consider myself at around 200 a decent sized guy, but you just described a 190lb guy as tiny. Are you a Nephilim?
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