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  1. Coach Josh is offline
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    Silent Guardian

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    Posted On:
    11/19/2008 2:08pm

    Business Class Supporting Member
     Gladiators Academy Lafayette, LA Style: Judo, MMA, White Trash JJ

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    It was weak with little to no structure and obscure quotes. Being witty is a skill that plays in a conversation does but not show in the written word unless your a skilled writer. But none the less it was an attempt and you should keep working and accept criticism for its purpose.
    Judo is only gentle for the guy on top.
  2. It is Fake is offline
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    Posted On:
    11/19/2008 2:09pm

    staff
     Style: xingyi

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by Vik

    I'm not a professional writer but I'm getting there, still working on better analogies. But did you guys get the main point with the CS and cop analogy?
    Why don't you explain what you meant. Professional writer? I went to a State basic school that paper would have got you a D at best. I'm being generous.


    There is still a lot of truth to them if you think about it. I wanted to write something the average reader can relate to, something casual.
    No.
    There really is no truth to the analogies if they are wrong or, can be severely misinterpreted.
  3. Vik is offline

    Registered Member

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    Posted On:
    11/19/2008 2:10pm


     Style: Boxing, TKD, Judo

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by Rivington
    Associated Content will post pretty much anything, outside of obvious al-Qaeda directives to sleeper cells.

    If you call that "freelance writing", you're an idiot.
    Alright, well you can take this article as an example to all my articles, I really do not care. I found the criticism I was looking for with the grammar problems and analogy issues. My other articles are a lot better (yes, actual professionally recognized freelance writing) and I'm a premier marketplace writer on Helium, too.

    I got what I came for, thanks for the constructive criticism (from most of you). Honestly, I've been with Bullshido for almost four years but the stupid comments that really don't help anyone don't change. Christ, the only courtesy and respect I see around here is from the main moderators.
  4. It is Fake is offline
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    Posted On:
    11/19/2008 2:13pm

    staff
     Style: xingyi

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Interesting.
    Alright, well you can take this article as an example to all my articles, I really do not care. I found the criticism I was looking for with the grammar problems and analogy issues. My other articles are a lot better (yes, actual professionally recognized freelance writing) and I'm a premier marketplace writer on Helium, too.

    I got what I came for, thanks for the constructive criticism (from most of you). Honestly, I've been with Bullshido for almost four years but the stupid comments that really don't help anyone don't change. Christ, the only courtesy and respect I see around here is from the main moderators.

    You published this poor piece of work now, you are upset because, your other work is professional?

    Please tell me you see the problem in this statement.
  5. Vik is offline

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    Posted On:
    11/19/2008 2:14pm


     Style: Boxing, TKD, Judo

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Btw, thanks for all the comments. Hell, part of doing the whole writing thing is learning and improving. I just started out and I'm not even out of college yet.

    Yeah so the verdict is the article isn't top notch quality, I reconsider that whole topic move request.


    To Kentucky Fried Chokin, PeopleSoft, and Coach Josh, I'll consider the criticism (and thanks for leaving out the pointless "your article blows, go to hell" comments that most of Bullshido posts), thanks.
  6. It is Fake is offline
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    Posted On:
    11/19/2008 2:16pm

    staff
     Style: xingyi

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by Vik
    Btw, thanks for all the comments. Hell, part of doing the whole writing thing is learning and improving. I just started out and I'm not even out of college yet.

    Yeah so the verdict is the article isn't top notch quality, I reconsider that whole topic move request.


    To Kentucky Fried Chokin, PeopleSoft, and Coach Josh, I'll consider the criticism (and thanks for leaving out the pointless "your article blows, go to hell" comments that most of Bullshido posts), thanks.
    Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
  7. Matt Phillips is offline
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    NOTE TO SELF - MOAR GRAPPLE - GET A NORMAL HAIR CUT - REPEAT

    Join Date
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    Posted On:
    11/19/2008 2:16pm

    supporting member
     Style: Submission Grappling

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    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by Vik
    Alright, well you can take this article as an example to all my articles, I really do not care. I found the criticism I was looking for with the grammar problems and analogy issues. My other articles are a lot better (yes, actual professionally recognized freelance writing) and I'm a premier marketplace writer on Helium, too.

    I got what I came for, thanks for the constructive criticism (from most of you). Honestly, I've been with Bullshido for almost four years but the stupid comments that really don't help anyone don't change. Christ, the only courtesy and respect I see around here is from the main moderators.
    You asked for it. Coming to BS for validation is like going to Afganistan looking to get laid.
  8. Vik is offline

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    Posted On:
    11/19/2008 2:18pm


     Style: Boxing, TKD, Judo

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by It is Fake
    Interesting.


    You published this poor piece of work now, you are upset because, your other work is professional?

    Please tell me you see the problem in this statement.
    Alright, so let me explain again.

    -No, this article is not 'professional.' I might have mentioned it like that but obviously, it's not so good now is it?

    -I'm saying I wrote articles about other topics where empirical evidence is more prominent, unlike martial arts, where it depends on personal experience and what you see in the media. That's not to say that it's also science. I'm just summarizing.

    -I'm not upset. I posted this article here because I know Bullshido knows a bit about the topic and some of the members can help me become a better writer.

    Seriously, that's all there is to it. If this article sucks this bad, get rid of it.
  9. Rivington is offline
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    Senior Member

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    Posted On:
    11/19/2008 2:20pm

    supporting member
     Style: Taijiquan/Shuai-Chiao/BJJ

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    More specifically.

    "How Martial Arts Can Change Your Life" is a bad title as your article is transparently NOT about that.

    The first two grafs are content-free and should be struck. The third is just ridiculous -- who is this "we" and that the hell is a "real life fact"? You then leap topics to mention, briefly, "community sites." What does that have to do with the "we" and their facts and information?

    Here's a hint: a paragraph is a unit of meaning. The first sentence of a paragraph is the topic or the index sentence. Subsequent sentences in a paragraph explore and support the topic declared in the first sentence. When you move on to another topic, you start a new paragraph.

    Your sentences within a paragraph also need to have some sort of relationship. You fail here, for example: "When people hear you say you're a martial artist, they expect you to be the incarnate of Bruce Lee. This is far from the truth, everyone is different." Leaving aside that you surely mean "incarnation", what is the relationship between sentences here? What is far from the truth? That people think martial artists are the incarnation of Bruce Lee? That all martial artists are incarnations of Bruce Lee? When you answer, don't confuse what you've written with the content of your head.

    You're also just babbling here, btw. People certainly don't think that everyone who declare themselves martial artists are the incarnation of Bruce Lee.

    Your next graf lacks an antecedent. You seem to be saying that every style is different, just like every person is different, but that isn't clear. (It might be clearer were these two grafs a single graf.) However, then your next sentence is completely nonsensical: Though each style can be more practical than the other, it doesn't arbitrarily constitute to someone being a better fighter.

    What you want to say here is that some styles are more practical than others. What you HAVE said here is that EVERY style is more practical than EVERY other style, but that practicality is not arbitrary...except that according to your formulation it is!

    Neither of the first two grafs of this section has anything to do with the subject of either the article (changing one's life via martial arts) or the section (why learn martial arts).


    Moving on, and God knows why I am moving on -- the third graf actually makes some vague reference to the topic. Then you leave it behind for a nonsensical claim about people joining the police force in order to get a gun, as if guns are not inexpensive and common (at least in the United States). Then you go on about war and peace, and make the sort of claim a retarded street preacher would be embarrassed to scribble onto a leaflet.

    What you end up saying is that martial arts can change the reader's life because half the population is psychopathic, and that it is probably a good idea to cultivate the same sort of mental problem so as not to be left out in a world where people go to war for fun. Good job, fartrape.

    Then, in your next section you try to define the term martial art, but you oversimplify to the point of inaccuracy. Then you tell the reader what he or she may be thinking, except that I cannot imagine anyone thinking "if you're a good fighter now, why learn martial arts?" at this point in the article. You haven't really explored the topic. Plus, the article is so poorly written that the vast majority of people who have it made it down to page one are likely thinking only one thing:

    "Hey, one of those halfway houses for the retarded got Internet access!"

    Shall I go on, or do you need a further critique of this piece?
    Last edited by Rivington; 11/19/2008 2:26pm at .
  10. Vik is offline

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    Posted On:
    11/19/2008 2:21pm


     Style: Boxing, TKD, Judo

    --
    Hell yeah! Hell no!
    Quote Originally Posted by It is Fake
    Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
    Lol your comments helped too. I didn't come here to get "ooh don't worry the article can use improvement, do better next time" posts. I wanted harsh criticism that is to the point.

    So yeah, you helped too hehe.

    I'll be keeping Bullshido as an option whenever I need to get mentally berated. Some of the best criticism comes from pain.
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