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Just in time for Back to School: September is "Black Belt Kids Suck" Month
You know, sometimes this job sucks more than the people we actually make fun of.
It took 3 cans of diet Mountain Dew, a mental promise to myself quit working and go play Team Fortress, and hitting myself in the head with a copy of the Four Hour Workweek to get me to sit down and write this news item; it's that distasteful.
There's really no tactful way of saying any of this, so I'll just quote Bill Hicks and be done with it:
...Nevermind. On second though that's probably not the best quote to put on the front page of a website.
I'll just say it in my own words: Your kids suck.
But since this is a Martial Arts website, and there are a billion kids on the planet, we'll drill down a bit and be specific. Children with black belts suck.
Granted, it's obviously not the kids who are responsible for this sucking, the fault is always with the parents. But it's these very parents who've pulled jungle gyms and that awesome spinny-vomitizer thing off playgrounds, so the only way to actually get through to them is through their children. Or more specifically, by insulting their children.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, and if it takes hurting the feelings of a few hundred thousand kids to get it through to idiot parents and money-grubbing instructors that a black belt isn't a symbol of how many checks have cleared at the local McDojo, then so be it. Besides, kids shouldn't be reading this website anyway.
If your child has a black belt, it should mean that they are the Michael Phelps of fighting, not that they can count to 10 in Korean and get straight A's in class. It should mean that they have no fear of getting into a scrap at school, and not because they have the "courage" to run away and tell a responsible adult about being bullied. It means they should be able to kick the ass of a full grown, reasonably fit, 6 month BJJ white belt at a bare minimum.
Short of this, the only belt that should be involved in this equation is one that should be applied to the backsides of the parents who shut off common sense and self-respect shortly after they've spawned offspring.
Stop crapping all over thousands of years of warrior tradition so you can dump your kid off at a post-school daycare with an incidental Asian theme. We all know you really just want 90 minutes of peace and quiet while little Billy wears himself out, but you'd never admit that to your church group.
Yeah, your kids suck, but you suck much, much more.
I hope your minivans all spontaneously combust due to a previously unknown chemical reaction caused by a combination of discarded fruit loops, baby wipes, and tree-shaped air fresheners.
When your kids are at Karate practice, of course.